It is with great concern that The BRISTOLIAN passes on news received today from a reader relating to embattled Green councillor, SIR GUS HOYTY-TOYTY.
It was only yesterday that GEORGE’S MINISTER FOR FREE-RANGE BEARDS vowed to never again “walk while I tweet” after prompting an international race hate scandal with his announcement that he “hated aborigines”. Diplomatic relations between Bristol and Australia were briefly severed before a hastily convened summit meeting established that Gusbo had actually meant to broadcast his loathing of aubergines – which in turn precipitated a rift between Shitty Hall and the Soil Association.
Councillor Hoyty-Toyty’s frantic attempts to row back from the political precipice seemed to work, but were then potentially self-scuppered when he promised to refer to the vegetable in question by its racially-charged American name, ‘eggplant’ – recalling 2009’s COCONUTGATE SCANDAL caused by Shirley ‘Not A Racist’ Brown-Marshall, the Lib Dem councillor he subsequently replaced in Ashley ward.
Yet less than 24 hours after his pledge to stop ‘tweet-walking’, our tipster spotted the CUDDLY GREEN TEDDY BEAR flagrantly and feverishly tapping into his smartphone whilst striding along pushing his expensive bike and with a £200 solar-powered
inflatable vegetable rucksack on his back, in an apparent dash to get to the Farmers’ Market at St. Nick’s before all the organic quinoa disappeared in the lunchtime rush.
Councillor Toyty – we implore you – SEEK HELP. If it is not treated, and soon, this compulsion of yours will sink your political career.