Monthly Archives: April 2014

BRISTOL ARTS SECTOR DOWN THE SHITTER AS INFAMOUS ‘URINAL BOSS’ BRINDLEY SLASHES OVER ARNOLFINI!

Following The BRISTOLIAN‘s report last month about the city’s crisis-hit upper class gallery-bar-cinema Arnolfini, it seems that the management team there has decided the best way to right the good ship Analphoney is to appoint KATE ‘SLASHER’ BRINDLEY as Interim Director.

Slasher, a contemporary art bullshitter of the highest order and a former director of Bristol City Council’s Museums Service, is popular among Bristol’s arty-farty/luvvie nexus for her role in bringing the Banksy exhibition to Bristol in 2009 – and because they’ve never had to actually work for her.

However, she is less fondly remembered by staff in the Museums Service, where she FIRED MORE THAN THIRTY WORKERS and downgraded and de-skilled the whole of the expert curatorial staff to save a few quid.

After all, who needs any knowledge or expertise to care for the load of crap created in the modern art self-promotion industry?

Museums insiders have told The BRISTOLIAN that if the ‘Phoney’s in financial trouble and Slasher’s at the helm, then the gallery’s 24 staff will inevitably be TARGETED FOR CUTS. They have been warned.

So what has Slasher been doing with herself during her five years away from Bristol? Well, she’s been the boss of Middlesborough’s controversial Arts Council-funded contemporary art gallery, MiMA – so any hopes the ‘Phoney has that Brindley will be increasing their visitor numbers may be premature.

Whilst at MiMA Slasher actually oversaw A DRASTIC FALL in visitor numbers at the unpopular gallery, and in 2012 a group of Middlesborough residents branded her gallery “THE MOST EXPENSIVE PUBLIC URINAL IN THE WORLD”.

The claim was made after a group of residents sat in the gallery’s cafe for a week and counted visitors to the white elephant. They discovered that more people visited the gallery to use the loos than to see Slasher’s boring exhibitions!

Middlesborough Council later published their own visitor figures for the week, which were much higher – but included 212 visitors on a Monday when the place was closed. They later had to admit that this was because they counted people who walked through the gallery’s car park as visitors!

The latest fun and games at the Analphoney began on 1 April (when else?) when Slasher took up her post. It remains to be seen who the fool is – the ‘Phoney’s trustees for hiring her, or us for footing the bill come the inevitable bail-out…

BRISTOL’S MISSING MONEY SCANDAL CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM AS CASH LOSS BOSS QUITS

Who’s this manager urgently clearing their desk at Bristol City Council – and collecting a large wedge of redundancy cash?

Why, it’s only the Head of Security Services, PETE ‘PANSY’ PARKINSON, whose department is at the centre of an on-going and seemingly endless investigation into missing cash-in-transit money at the council (see The BRISTOLIAN #4.8). That’s now more than six months and counting…

No doubt it can only be purely coincidental that one of TONY HARVEY‘s subordinate bullies should choose this difficult time – just as a financial investigation breathes down his neck – to jump ship?

Meanwhile, dark rumours from within his department that all was not well when auditors searched Pansy’s computer recently can now, presumably, be quietly disregarded?

WOTTA DOCKER SHOCKA! MORE BULLYING EXPOSED AT BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL…

TOP COUNCIL MANAGERS TURN A BLIND EYE TO BONKERS BOSS’S BIZARRE BEHAVIOUR ON THE DOCKS

The BRISTOLIAN can reveal that the city council’s DOCKS SERVICE is at the centre of a BULLYING SCANDAL stretching back years.

Bristol City Council's docks boss Tony Nichols considers how to keep the scurvy sea dogs under him in line

Bristol City Council’s docks boss Tony Nichols considers how to keep the scurvy sea dogs under him in line

Staff at the docks service, based at Underfall yard, have been persistently bullied by docks boss CAPTAIN TONY ‘AHAB’ NICHOLS and documents seen by The BRISTOLIAN reveal that he has even been openly targeting union representatives, apparently with impunity. As usual, senior council bosses’ response, despite a huge amount of evidence against Cap’n Ahab, has been LIMP AND PATHETIC.

Last year staff even uncovered an email from Ahab to his supervisory team (or “wankers” as he calls them when they’re not around) that openly attacked highly skilled and knowledgeable docks staff and union reps by name for being lazy and incompetent.

He accused them of “sitting on their backsides doing nothing”; “doing next to nothing for £17k a year” and claimed “99% of [people] would make a better job of it after 2 weeks training”.

He even had a pop at the public trying to use his increasingly poor and inaccessible service, saying we “need to plan our lives a bit better” to suit his crappy timetable! He then rounded off his email by explaining how he was dumbing down his staffs’ jobs so he could cut their paltry wages and benefits further!

When staff complained last year, Ahab’s bosses finally agreed to launch an investigation into this MAD MANAGER. However, the investigation lasted so long that the boss running the investigation retired before it was complete!

Council bosses then held a DISCIPLINARY HEARING IN SECRET for Ahab, which called no witnesses and decided that the best course of action was for staff to attend an equalities workshop and for Cap’n Ahab to deliver an apology to his staff and then let him to carry on as usual!

Staff are reported to be less than impressed with this outcome and tensions within the department are reputed to be “very high indeed” while there’s increasing evidence of “reduced performance in the service” while “sickness levels have soared”.

Our expert in workplace psychology says, “it’s pretty clear to any objective observer that Nichols is unfit for purpose and cannot do the job he’s paid to do. He appears to be suffering from a personality disorder of some kind and maybe other untreated mental health problems. He is simply NOT FIT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for his staff or even to behave in a socially acceptable manner.”

“Basically long-suffering dock workers are being managed by a nutter and no one’s doing anything about it.”

AVONMOUTH LABOUR IN TRUTH SENSATION

Friend of The BRISTOLIAN, Steve Norman announcing, in the latest issue of The BRISTOLIAN, his candidature for Avonmouth at the forthcoming local elections on 22 May seems to have galvanised his Labour opponent, John “BUMBLING” Bees into some action.

And Bumbling Bees’ first move? Why, to send some direct mail to er, Steve Norman!

We’ve faithfully reproduced this incredible piece of political communication below. But what’s going on? Has Bumbling Bees been poisoned with truth serum? Or is this a case of late onset common sense from Bees?

You can go and meet meet Steve on Friday 25 April and Saturday 3, 10 and 17 May outside the Co Op in Shire and pick up a proper leaflet.

Click on image for pdf version.

10-04-2014 11;52;08

 

UPDATE: Bristol Labour Party have informed us the above letter is an “accidental misprint”. Here’s the letter that should have gone out to Steve : Bees letter (pdf)

 

COUNCIL HOUSE SELL-OFF SHOCKER

Bristol_Council_House_from_southIt’s been confirmed to The BRISTOLIAN that so-called temporary  plans to move staff out of the Council House while it’s “refurbished” will be made permanent and the building sold to the PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.

We understand that one of China’s leading sovereign wealth funds, the CHINA INVESTMENT CORPORATION (CIC), will be paying in the region £30m IN CASH for the landmark building and its College Green lawn. The deal was reputedly first brokered by Mayor Fergo when he traveled to China on a business mission late last year.

We can also confirm that the city’s private sector property boss, Robert “Spunkface” Orrett has travelled to Beijing twice this year already and we’ve seen evidence from a Freedom of Information request that Spunkface has, for the last six months, been receiving MANDARIN LESSONS at least twice weekly at his Council House office.

The future of the Council House, one of the city’s landmark buildings is currently unclear. Although a well-placed source has told us that he believes it will be used by the CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY as a cultural and business centre to promote further Chinese investment in the region and the UK as a whole.

“There’s absolutely no doubt now, “ he says, “the Chinese are coming and they’re paying CASH!

Our source has also spoken to people “close to a number of West Bristol estate agents” who say that what appear to be senior Chinese Communist Party officials have been viewing “HIGH-END PROPERTIES” in Clifton and Leigh Woods.

Our source says, “Initially the Chinese were very interested in Georgian town houses in and around Clifton Village. However, since the Chinese security services have got involved, the interest has switched to SECLUDED LOCATIONS in Leigh Woods. I’m also told interest has been expressed in Ashton Court Mansion.”

Our spies in AVONMOUTH also report sightings of Chinese in and around the port. “They look like teams of surveyors in hard hats and h-viz,” we’re told.

And contacts at the BRISTOL WOOD RECYCLING PROJECT in the Enterprise Zone also  report sighting Chinese officials  at the arena site.

“They’ve turned up three times now,”  we’re told. “They arrive in a convoy of about four or five smart, black Range Rovers with tinted windows and wander around the site. It’s all a bit cloak and dagger – dark suits, dark glasses, moody demeanours and so on.”

“Four of them came in here the other day and they didn’t seem much interested in buying any wood. I was just really friendly as they looked like the types who might shoot first and ask questions later. Although I did hear they bought a lot of salad leaves off the SEVERN PROJECT when they visited there.”