Former local news presenter GRAHAM ‘COMPULSIVE’ PURCHES is, by most people’s reckoning, an irritating twerp who needs to shut up and learn some manners -but not for awe-struck council managers.

Purches, who was big and going places at the BBC in the “golden age” of the 70s and 80s when the corporation was a playground for paedophiles and rapists, has for years been running a truly OBNOXIOUS CAMPAIGN against er, Elmlea Primary School in snooty Stoke Bishop, which his posh £600k home happens to overlook.

Purches – whose ascent to media stardom stalled somewhat when Beeb bosses sidelined him, leading him to jump ship to HTV – made the national news in 2012 thanks to his fixation on silencing kids. The washed-up newsreader fixed a massive sign to his house in full view of Elmlea’s playground, reading: ‘Please do not allow the children to scream or shout near our home. Thank you.’

Purches has also TERRORISED staff and children at the school with a strimmer and a leaf blower, and even reported the head for attempted murder – after she drove down the street when he was walking his dog!

Enter Bristol City Council and its interim Manager NEIL TAYLOR, who recently went to visit Mr Purches to sort it all out.

And what did he do? Tell the old fool to shut up? Suggest he move, perhaps? Er, not quite. No, our intrepid Man From Shitty Hall agreed to spend £30,000 OF OUR MONEY on a six metre acoustic fence so that poor Purches wouldn’t be disturbed by vicious infants!

Does this mean that any resident bordering a school who has an issue with noise will be able to claim a £30,000 fence from the council? Or is this a special privilege reserved for posh BBC types living in Stoke Bishop?

I think we should be told…


  1. Westengland

    I am so old I saw Graham Purches when he first started appearing on BBC West as a late night news headline reader in (I think) 1973 – something I have the dubious pleasure of recalling very well indeed, probably because the then young(ish) Mr Purches appeared to “bricking it” (as I understand the expression is) whilst reporting the doings of early 1970s West England – he gradually got his confidence and slowly revealed the character we all know and love, eventually finding his natural TV home at HTV, the homing station of all West England broadcasting wackos.

  2. Martin

    I once had the pleasure of meeting this local teevee mega-star as a kid in the 1980’s. I’d had the audacity to ride my bike past his ghastly green mock villa in Stoke Bishop (or was it Snide Park?) when he suddenly appeared in the road ahead of me ranting and raving like a lunatic, at some considerable volume I might add, about it being a peaceful and quiet area.

  3. John

    His house is worth at least £1 million, £600,000 will barely get you a 3 bed semi in that street. You have, naturally, not positioned things in a fair way. The situation arose when the school located the playground at Elmlea immediately adjacent to his garden and very close to his main living rooms. I live much further away from the school, but I can tell you that the noise from all those children is LOUD. Personally I don’t mind, however if I lived closer I’d probably have a different view. Let’s not forget either that the school has doubled in size in the last 20 years, so general noise and school activity has increased a lot. Traffic is also a nightmare, with all those yummy mummys (and a few DILFs -Yum) dropping off Tarquin and Jemima in their 4x4s. Let’s not forget either that Elmlea is one of the biggest feeder schools to Bristol Grammar, Red Maids etc., it’s basically a state prep school for the private sector, so all theses screaming spoiled brats is bound to drive you a bit mad.

  4. Wat Tyler

    Isn’t this the same as people from London moving to Norfolk and complaining about noise from chickens.
    You don’t have to be Einstein to work this out…

    1) The global population is increasing, the population of Bristol is increasing.
    2) To increase the population people need to have children
    3) Children need to go to schools.
    4) When there aren’t enough places in schools two things have to happen. Expand schools or build more schools.
    5) Unsurprisingly, the cheaper and less disruptive option is to expand schools where possible.
    6) Why didn’t Mr Purches consider this when he moved into his house?


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *