A happy New Year to you all, with the usual exception for that vicious racist underbelly at The Dave Spart Academy who continue to personally undermine me and my exemplar church of equitable hope for all those who reside in the right postcode. I trust, however, that the rest of you had an inclusive and sustainable holiday and our Good Lord delivered on key priorities for you.
I personally took possession of another investment property over the break, which, as a global progressive market Christian, I will now place at the service of an inclusive growth strategy. Any refugee family who can meet the robust obligations of a competitive housing rental opportunity in a buoyant and rising local PRS sector is welcome to apply to be housed by me in the parish voted the UK’s smartest in the 2017 Smart Parish Index.
Which all goes to show what a ‘smart’ investment all those iPad Airs were for our parish leadership team doesn’t it? I suggest that all the Apple naysayers and Judases pray on this fact for a while and then cease coveting thy important and successful neighbours’ high-end Apple products and instead learn to glory in cheaper electronics commensurate with your status and ambition.
You may be pleased to hear that I shall not be taking my annual January winter prayer sabbatical in Florida with my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon. Instead, I shall be joining the Reverend Loon for a week in March on his yacht in Cannes for the MIPIM Conference for international property investors. As the Reverend Loon preached during our weekly conference call yesterday, “And lo champagne, lobster and call girls will lead us to sell our promised land to Chinese investment companies for the best price in current market conditions.”
Mr Slocombe, our parish creative communications specialist, in another of his hugely original content branding ideas, will be messaging our compelling St Marvin’s New Year vision as “New Year: New Hope” across all channels. And, no doubt, you’ve already noticed that the popular Canton Lame Duck Restaurant on the High Street has opened an impressive new branch outside St Marvin’s in a converted kebab van. This is proof that our proactive business development partnership strategy, led by the Parish Committee’s Interim Head of Smart Opportunity, Ms Beardmore from Shropshire, is starting to drive robust levels of investment directly toward our church. This is despite the challenging financial priorities for our church through no fault of mine or my leadership team.
So why not treat yourself to a bowl of tasty noodles before compline in the knowledge you’re supporting your church and its team of business leaders’ objectives to deliver increased inclusive outcomes in 2018? On that note of sustainable joy delivered by trailblazing partnership working between the spirit of commerce and a unique ecumenical strategy, let’s work together to create essential interventions through the objectives of the New Year: New Hope strategy and make it happen again in 2018!