Monthly Archives: February 2018

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #12

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A happy New Year to you all, with the usual exception for that vicious racist underbelly at The Dave Spart Academy who continue to personally undermine me and my exemplar church of equitable hope for all those who reside in the right postcode. I trust, however, that the rest of you had an inclusive and sustainable holiday and our Good Lord delivered on key priorities for you.

I personally took possession of another investment property over the break, which, as a global progressive market Christian, I will now place at the service of an inclusive growth strategy. Any refugee family who can meet the robust obligations of a competitive housing rental opportunity in a buoyant and rising local PRS sector is welcome to apply to be housed by me in the parish voted the UK’s smartest in the 2017 Smart Parish Index.

Which all goes to show what a ‘smart’ investment all those iPad Airs were for our parish leadership team doesn’t it? I suggest that all the Apple naysayers and Judases pray on this fact for a while and then cease coveting thy important and successful neighbours’ high-end Apple products and instead learn to glory in cheaper electronics commensurate with your status and ambition.

You may be pleased to hear that I shall not be taking my annual January winter prayer sabbatical in Florida with my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon. Instead, I shall be joining the Reverend Loon for a week in March on his yacht in Cannes for the MIPIM Conference for international property investors. As the Reverend Loon preached during our weekly conference call yesterday, “And lo champagne, lobster and call girls will lead us to sell our promised land to Chinese investment companies for the best price in current market conditions.”

Mr Slocombe, our parish creative communications specialist, in another of his hugely original content branding ideas, will be messaging our compelling St Marvin’s New Year vision as “New Year: New Hope” across all channels. And, no doubt, you’ve already noticed that the popular Canton Lame Duck Restaurant on the High Street has opened an impressive new branch outside St Marvin’s in a converted kebab van. This is proof that our proactive business development partnership strategy, led by the Parish Committee’s Interim Head of Smart Opportunity, Ms Beardmore from Shropshire, is starting to drive robust levels of investment directly toward our church. This is despite the challenging financial priorities for our church through no fault of mine or my leadership team.

So why not treat yourself to a bowl of tasty noodles before compline in the knowledge you’re supporting your church and its team of business leaders’ objectives to deliver increased inclusive outcomes in 2018? On that note of sustainable joy delivered by trailblazing partnership working between the spirit of commerce and a unique ecumenical strategy, let’s work together to create essential interventions through the objectives of the New Year: New Hope strategy and make it happen again in 2018!

The Vicar 

FEBRUARY 2: IT’S GROUNDHOG DAY WITH SCAMALOT AND BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL

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Today is February 2, Groundhog Day at no less than four BCC Properties visited by a team of housing activists accompanied by The BRISTOLIAN

After an epic High Court case in February last year, which ESTABLISHED TENANT RIGHTS FOR ‘PROPERTY GUARDIANS’ (a precedent-setting case) against empty BCC property-leasing scam landlords CAMELOT, Paul ‘Wolfie’ Smith, Labour’s housing boss, publicly stated he would terminate all property guardian relationships with BCC in ‘due course’.
This was because of the SCANDALOUS STATE of disrepair the tenants were living in, the NIGHTMARE LEGAL CONTRADICTIONS that BCC had been implicated in, and the unbelievable levels of INCOMPETENCE, MALIGNANCE and NEGLECT by both Camelot and also the council’s housing management team of Woods, Hooper et al which had led BCC into this situation.

So imagine the faces on the team of housing activists when, revisiting 4 BCC properties just under one year on from the historic court decision, they discovered these sub-standard, dangerous properties STILL OCCUPIED EXACTLY AS BEFORE. Sstill in disrepair and STILL WITH NO HMO LICENSES (houses of multiple occupation require rigorous safety standard licensing), and also with the tenants therein STILL PAYING SLUM LANDLORDS CAMELOT BOGUS ‘RENT’ AT BCC PROPERTIES! Not only that, but the team discovered employment agency, MERIDIAN, STILL SUB-LETTING FROM CAMELOT many months on AFTER they were exposed in both The BRISTOLIAN and The Nazi Post for their employment/rent scam and poor treatment of employees on BCC premises. Once again, these CAPITALIST CUNTS were found to be still DOCKING WAGES DIRECTLY from their workers on the premises to pay this spurious double-rent!

We estimate that there may be 150+ PEOPLE STILL LIVING in unsafe conditions on ‘Property Guardian’ run BCC properties in Bristol, most paying rent to these FRAUDSTER middlemen who’ve taken them over.

Yes, it’s Feb 2, and Groundhog Day for Bristol City Council! SO WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, WOLFIE, 1 FULL YEAR ON? We demand that you make a new public statement.

At The BRISTOLIAN we demand:

  • That Bristol City Council FORCE Camelot and Ad Hoc to IMMEDIATELY CONFORM to the HMO license regulations at its properties that it is still leasing.
  • That BCC RECOGNISE ALL who are still living on these properties as DE FACTO COUNCIL TENANTS, following the decision in the Roynon v Camelot case of Feb 20 2017. This farce has gone on much too long to make anything else acceptable.
  • That BCC no longer pursues such OUTSOURCED SCAMS under dodgy ‘licenses/tenancies’ with private companies, whether these are ‘property guardian companies’, ‘homeless charities’, ‘affordable homes builders/property agents’ or anyone else, and instead EMBARKS UPON A CAMPAIGN OF ESTABLISHING EMERGENCY SOCIAL HOUSING UNDER DIRECT BCC CONTROL.
  • * We encourage all tenants of either Camelot or Ad Hoc to contact BCC’s Tenancy Relations to enquire into their rights and the legal precedent; to contact BCC’s Housing Environmental Health about their living conditions and the building’s HMO requirements, and to legally withhold rent until these repairs are carried out. Eviction notices given to you by Camelot or Ad Hoc should always be submitted to prior scrutiny by Tenancy Relations or the Avon Law Centre as to their legal validity.