ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #13

Lucky parishioners personally invited to the premiere of my thrilling biopic film, ‘The Reverend’s Ace: a shameless hagiography’, please note that the venue has been switched from the Church Hall due to a small completion delay in its transformation process. The film, by my German friend Ms Helga Goebbels, is an enthralling documentary about my incredible journey and features fascinating interviews with friends and family as well as focussing on my lovely new garden furniture from B&Q. See you there!

More good news, this time regarding the delayed pay-as-you-go self-service tea vending solution in the vestry. The original contract with our self-service tea vending solution partner, Agresso Refreshment World, has been formally off-tabled at a commercially confidential but highly competitive settlement rate. Now, the parish’s Interim Head of Agile, Ms Beardmore from Shropshire will initiate a smart procurement process to locate a new best value self-service tea vending solution partner.

Ms Beardmore wants an integrated solution in place by as soon as next January so that we can make efficiencies in tea delivery as soon as 2021. That is a small slippage of just four years in the delivery of this complex refreshments transformation project. Ms Beardmore also assures me that a step change in biscuit provision may be walked down the decision pathway going forward.

I have now tasked Ms Beardmore with investigating further efficiencies that prioritise elasticity in our budget envelope as it is further stretched by the Diocese’s austerity plans. One proposal is to reimagine the underused parish library, where weird old religious books gather dust, as a drive-thru communion facility for an increasing number of parishioners with less time for traditional worship but with salaries that might be better reflected in the collection plate. Ms Beardmore, with her superb customer services background, also proposes installing a 24-hour self-serve telephone communion service facility with a fully integrated credit card payment option.

Both initiatives are ideal for parents seeking an easy-pay, time efficient journey for their child into the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘excellent’ St Snoot’s Academy. We have already procured a team of digital enablement consultants from London to work up a joined-up feasibility working paper and we will embark on an innovative consultation exercise to review this exciting transformation plan soon. I shall update on this agile worship programme as it progresses.

On budget, on time and on target, the church toilets are now permanently closed. Those needing toilet facilities should try the High Street where we are inviting businesses to express an interest in providing free toilet facilities for St Marvin’s worshippers

Finally, please note that places remain available on my flagship leadership programme exclusively for dull middle managers and accountants with no personality. Spaces are limited, so get in touch quickly if you wish to join the likes of Ms Beardmore and myself as inspirational parish leaders. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon always tells me, “promote the dull, stupid and insipid for they will always do as they’re told.”

Farewell and adieu.

The Vicar

7 thoughts on “ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #13

  1. Amias

    This is the most tedious rip off of private eye I have ever read.

    The faux bile editorial style of the bristolian is nearly as big an insult to Bristol as the council. It’s stinks of londonesque arrogance and the self absorbed onanism it brings.

    Reply
    1. paul

      To be fair if you looked at any other media in Bristol, you’d think the 2 big issues facing the City are the Bearpit and Hamilton fucking House.

      Reply
  2. Brundlefly

    Amiss, that’s some of the most middle class wank I’ve read in a while.
    Why don’t you just say you think it’s shit, you middle class stale spunk stain.

    I’m so relived that marvelous “man of the people” (trademark pending) Marvin has not agreed to make savings from the PR budget of £270,000 per year, for the next 3 years (total of £870,000) and instead decided to close our toilets, sack school safety lollypop men and woman, and decimate our services.
    Makes so much sense to me.

    Reply
    1. paul

      Its alright Brundlefly, Marvin checked with Jebus before making any decisions. He said it was fine to cut services to the poorest to keep the all the PR staff, after all who’ll communicate to all the poor people about how lucky they are to have Marvin fighting their corner.

      Reply

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