Encouraged by Ms Townsend and the usual suspects from parish’s OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart Academy, a small unrepresentative minority of the congregation, sacrilegiously opposed to free market innovation, sensible change and inclusive growth, are behind another silly whispering campaign from the pews.
They are opposing our shared congregational vision, in partnership with expert corporate developers and consultants from London, for competitively-priced chipboard homes and a cleaner air new road on the surplus scrubland of church-owned St Marvin’s Meadows. This is an innovative transformational future proofing project vital to our shared ‘One Parish Vision’, championed by my good friend and shadow Parish Committee member, Mr Sweetland, ably assisted by the good Christians of consulting firm Arup on a highly competitive day rate.
This project will challenge the climate emergency, address the parish’s housing crisis and provide homes for decent Christian parishioners able to financially support our growing church and exploit fair admissions at St Snoot’s Academy, the parish’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ high performing religious secondary school. As my mentor the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “crisis and emergency are the Lord’s way to improve the bank balances of the worthy.”
The campaign opposing this, meanwhile, is promoting a number of JFK-style conspiracy theories. For example, we all already know that St Marvin’s Meadows is a flood plain but this will not be a problem according to Mr Molton, our parish’s regeneration services professional kept on a generous retainer to ignore problems such as this. Indeed, as Mr Molton very cleverly pointed out at one of our closed meetings in London with our secret investor team, “Floods never did Noah any harm.”
Campaigners’ complaints that moving the St Marvin’s bypass out of open countryside, better suited to inclusive climate emergency residential homes with sensational countryside views, and closer to St Marvin’s Meadows and nearby council housing are similarly without merit. As are complaints that this is in any way a “done deal”. Our friends at Arup and our secret investors have simply supplied us with an objective factual appraisal that is inarguably correct and the only sensible way forward if we want to solve parish’s housing crisis and stand down the climate from its emergency status.
However in order to better demonstrate this, I am setting up an objective and independent panel of myself, Mr Molton, Mr Sweetland, Parishioner Mr Savage – who you all know for running unsuccessfully for election to the parish committee on 58 separate occasions – and Parish Committee Chairman, Mr Jackson. Together we will independently appraise the option and confirm it is going ahead in everybody’s best interests. This should spell the end of any further noise on this matter from the back pews.