Category Archives: Avon & Somerset Constabulary

Our fine local police force


Avon and Somerset Police force have been FAILING SPECTACULARLY to catch a group or groups of anarchists responsible for a string of arson attacks in and around Bristol for the last few years.

In the latest twist they’ve decided because they can’t catch the people responsible they’re going to pick on people not responsible and threaten anyone associated with anarchism, protest or recent riots. This RED-AND-BLACK SCARE has begun before police have even finished their investigation!

Well, our very own beloved riot-supporting Mayor Fergo was at the Bristol Anarchist Book Fair in April getting in to trouble. Will he be raided any night soon? Arrested for being posh in possession of red trousers?

The Post is of course backing the MAD WITCH HUNT. The ‘Tesco riot’, if you believe the police/Post line, is that the whole thing was organised by anarchists with a one-in one-out door policy. So the riot wasn’t anything to do with the cops invading a busy area full of drunken punters on a bank holiday during a heatwave? Why not evict the squat at 6 on Monday morning? Then you wouldn’t have needed the small army they had there that night either.

The Post is now jumping at the chance to see some KIDS CHUCKED IN PRISON for 5 years in the wake of the scare as that’s all that what will happen. They wont get the arsonists. They’ll get any ‘anarchists’ to make us all feel safe.

The whole scare sounds like desperation. They’ve not had any evidence to nick the small arsonist cell so they’re opening up their investigation to anyone they can pin anything on in the last few years who may have stood near the word ANARCHIST.

‘Mad’ Mike Norton, editor of the Post, says we should support the police in their crackdown on ‘domestic extremists’. The BRISTOLIAN says support your local anarchists and troublemakers…

Otherwise it could be you next!


On the eve of ST. PAUL’S CARNIVAL (or St. Paul’s Festival for our older readers) word reaches us that Chief Constable NICK ‘GRIPPER’ GARGAN has demanded that organisers flood the streets of the inner city district with FORMER SQUADDIES!

The top cop – whose SHADOWY time at the National Criminal Intelligence Service (NCIS) and then later at the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) is thought to touch on the ‘police spy’ scandal – threatened to pull Avon & Somerset Constabulary support from the all-day community event, unless ex-military security was used.

It follows similar STRONGARM TACTICS used by A&S to bully Carnival in previous years, including telling committee members that they would be held responsible for any trouble at the huge event, which draws scores of thousands from across Bristol and beyond – or even prosecuted.

Meanwhile in true nice cop/nasty cop fashion, on Thursday the force’s public relations gurus released a fluffy statement (entitled ‘Cops calypso at Carnival’) about how “officers and PCSOs will be enjoying the sounds, sights and smells of St Pauls Carnival with party-goers this Saturday.”

There was of course no mention of bully-boy Gargan’s behind-the-scenes attempts to militarise the streets of BS2, though Bristol’s finest bogling bobby, district commander Chief Superintendent Jon Stratford, was quoted as saying:

Carnival is set to be even bigger and better than ever this year. The sun is set to shine and carnival organisers have been working hard with us for months to make sure it’s a safe and successful event.

Well, that’s one way of putting it!

At last night’s post-Thatcher Death Street Party public meeting at Easton Community Centre, Bristol Mayor George Ferguson announced an unexpected new platform to his administration – COMPULSORY RIOTING.

The millionaire mayor unveiled the policy after explaining that he’s a big fan of Bristol’s history of radical politics (“as long as it’s not upsetting other people”) – though not such a fan of anything that might actually change how things are now, unless it involves giant solar-powered inflatable vegetables.


Riot at the right time, and in the right way.

George’s statement last night has left many across the city wondering what would pass as an acceptable riot in our Glorious Mayor’s libertine eyes. The BRISTOLIAN understands that he is not yet able to release a comprehensive ‘riot guide’ on appropriate disorder etiquette.

In the meantime we call upon him to indicate on a ‘right riot’/’wrong riot’ basis which of the following chapters in Bristol’s social history would meet his criteria for a FERGO RIOT KITEMARK?

  • QUEEN SQUARE, 1831
  • OLD MARKET, 1932
  • ST PAUL’S, 1980
  • SOUTHMEAD, 1980
  • HARTCLIFFE, 1992
  • STOKES CROFT, 2011

At the meeting IL PUCE regretfully also railed against your favourite super, soaraway scandal sheet when questioned by audience members about his numerous business interests, at one point snapping:

I think you must have read that in The Bristolian – Don’t believe anything you read in that.

We have been unable to confirm whether this slip of the tongue was caused by inappropriately-prescribed medication.


It’s been little more than a month since The BRISTOLIAN was relaunched, and already we are seeing a lot of search engine activity on some of our new best chums…

Currently in the lead – if we bundle together searches for ‘Malfoy’ as well – is baby-faced out-of-his-depth council counsel LIAM NEVIN. He nudges just ahead of ‘acting up’ City Director ANGIE ‘PAIDWELL’ RIDGWELL.

Then in joint third place come buffoonish former council boss GRAHAM SIMS, and slash-happy Mayor HIS ROYAL GEORGENESS.

Meanwhile, pulling up the rear we have a three donkey race: accounts-troubled BCC Facilities Manager TONY HARVEY, incompetent ex-top cop COLIN PORT, and in a surprise re-entry, Nevin’s predecessor STEPHEN MCNAMARA.

Of course, we have no idea how much of this frantic googling is down to the individuals concerned making constant vanity searches on their own names – perhaps a Freedom of Information request is in order..?


Thatcher party

Millions rejoiced as the news came through of MAGGIE THATCHER’s demise yesterday.

The ex-PM, responsible for the deaths of thousands of working class people, the destruction of the mining industry and a clampdown on all things fun, died following a stroke at the Ritz in London yesterday.

It wasn’t long before plans were in place for parties across the country. Bristol was of course included and the texts were soon flying around; ‘Chelsea Road, Easton, 8 o’clock!’

To start with the crowd outside the CHELSEA INN was a little thin, but after about an hour it grew to contain several hundred revellers of all ages – and sound systems too!

The mob was in great spirits, with hours of singing, dancing, drinking and chatting, with the newly renamed ‘Thatcher’s Cold’ the cider of choice.

Some dressed as miners, some wore Maggie masks, some were so overwhelmed with emotion they just didn’t give a flying picket what they looked like! Chants such as ‘I would rather be a miner than a scab’ and ‘MAGGIE, MAGGIE, MAGGIE – DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!’ filled the night air as the flames from the bonfire danced to her death.

One local resident told The Bristolian:

It was a great night, with everyone in high spirits. Loads of people of different ages there, various levels of drunk and overriding community spirit and large disdain for the Tories.

But later on, things turned sour…

The crowd had thinned quite a lot and it seemed like the party was winding down.

Then it all got a bit nasty just after midnight. About ten vans full of Thatcher’s Boot Boys turned up to piss in our champagne.

Getting into formation further up the street, in full riot gear, it was obvious what was coming.

They started advancing down the street with riot shields and batons in hand. A lot of people left then, but some obviously weren’t gonna hand the street over to them and let this blatant act of intimidation work.

Bottles rained down on the advancing police line for a bit. A few people came away with bloodied faces after blows from the police, but you won’t read that in the Post!

The police eventually pushed people up Chelsea Road and past the Plough. Most people left here, but some stayed around arguing with the boys in blue, and each other which was disappointing to see.

There were a few idiots, as there always are at any parties. I think people at the party could have dealt with them though; nobody needed dozens of tooled-up, mobbed-up thugs coming in to kick things off properly.

I did read reports elsewhere after saying that most of the people there were from outside the area. That’s rubbish as far as I could tell – loads of faces I recognised from pubs around this way. Seems to be a case of people trying to blame what happened on these mysterious ‘outsiders coming in to start trouble’ that we always hear of, rather than locals. What I saw was an angry reaction to an obvious act of provocation from the police, it’s just a shame that the night ended in violence as a result of their actions.

According to other news reports, there was just one arrest. 6 police officers were reportedly injured, with one staying in hospital overnight.


George buys 100 Temple Street for a bargain £18 million

Bristol’s new overlord GEORGE FERGUSON has celebrated his favourite date in the calendar – International Women’s Day – with the announcement that the City Council is to splash out £18 million on new office space in a massive overhaul of its property portfolio which will cost £70 million.

The triple dip-defying move to 100 Temple Street near Temple Meads train station – as hinted at in the last issue of The Bristolian – is a bold strategy for the Mayor, who is slashing nearly 400 jobs, cutting the city budget by a tenth and raising Council Tax by just under 2%, yet comes at a high personal cost to His Redtrouserness according to insiders.

“The new premises on Temple Street fall within Lawrence Hill, which is the fifth most male ward in the city with only 48 percent of residents being women. Whilst it’s a marginal improvement on Council House, which falls within the 47.9% female Cabot ward, it’s certainly no Westbury, which weighs in at nearly 54% women,” reveals a source close to the SINGLETON MAYOR.

Fergo apparently spent several restless nights considering the options, pacing up and down the empty, echoing corridors of Shitty Hall in the dark like a RED-TROUSERED NAPOLEON, before deciding to bite the bullet and make the move to Redcliffe.

“We were so worried we even put a proposal to him to relocate the Mayor’s office to a special temporary annex at Badminton School,” says the source. “But selfless to the last, George insisted that we fork out half the amount we’re saving in budget cuts on a prestige office complex by a roundabout.”

The Council’s new site is currently home to global accountancy firm KPMG, with whom George’s interim Corporate Services Director Angie ‘Sacker’ Ridgwell has a long history. KPMG will be the second ‘Big Four’ auditor to be made homeless in Bristol over the past year, following the ouster of Ernst & Young from their Rupert Street offices to make way for the sparkly new Bridewell police station (refurbished at a cost of just £3.8 million).


Outgoing Avon & Somerset Police Chief Constable COLIN ‘DOUGHNUT KING’ PORT thumbed his nose at austerity-hit Bristolians in January by landing them with a tab of more than £4k tab for his ‘gourmet’ nosh-up private leaving do at Bristol Zoo in January.

Port, a former boss of the notoriously corrupt South East Regional Crime Squad (SERCS), left his post as Bristol & Bumpkinshire’s top cop after being told to reapply for his job by new Police & Crime Commissioner SUE ‘PASTIE QUEEN’ MOUNTSTEVEN last November.

Obviously realising that presiding over three Stokes Croft riots in a single Summer in 2011 didn’t help his chances, the fleshy-faced flatfoot decided to jump before he was pushed – threatening wrongful dismissal lawsuits all the way.

No stranger to getting others to cover his bill, Port ratcheted up nearly £15,000 in expenses over the years, including £437.40 on WHITE TIES for posh dinners and £56.81 on malaria tablets – obviously an essential requirement for policing Britain’s tenth largest city.

Bristol’s own Keystone Khief Konstable’s next move is anyone’s guess – though a plum ‘consultancy’ with IBM might be in order, given its involvement with A&S in the abortive privatisation venture ‘Southwest One’.

Best ask Mrs Port – also known as SWO’s Sue Barnes.