Tag Archives: Alistair Perry

THE TURDS OF TURD HALL

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Turds of turd hall

All white! What a lovely picture of THE SOCIETY OF MERCHANT VENTURERS sat on their racist arses sporting self-awarded medals at Venturers Hall, Clifton. But what’s the problem with this private membership club for evil old farts with lots of money? Well, over the last few years, the venturers or their members have:

  • Prevented a corrective plaque going on the statue of their hero, Edward Colston, explaining his role in the slave trade, his religious chauvanism, his political party affiliation and how many children he murdered for money.
  • Venturer’s Trust chair Anthony Browne mysteriously quit in 2019 soon after potentially defaming anti-racist Colston campaigners.
  • Used their unelected role on the council’s Downs Committee to unlawfully allow Bristol Zoo to use the Downs as a car park. Then used a large undisclosed six figure sum of council taxpayers money to unsuccessfully defend their actions in court.
  • Provided a character reference for Alistair “Pervy” Perry in 2016, at the trial of this former Colston Girls School Headteacher, where he was convicted of indecently assaulting a girl
    from his church group in Weston-super-Mare.
  • Until 2016, arranged sick celebrations for children at their schools of Edward Colston’s life. Hosted by the Bishop of Bristol at the city’s cathedral.
  • Public sector looter, First Bus boss, Trevor “Grubby” Smallwood, received an Honorary Doctorate from UWE for “entrepreneurial and charity work”. In 2009 Smallwood had to
    pay £2.7m in Corporation Tax after attempting to dodge the tax via a trust fund he temporarily based in Mauritius. Coincidentally in 2014, UWE vice Chancellor Steve “The Chiropodist” West, became a member of the Society of Merchant Venturers.
  • Appointed Gillian “The Sewage Queen” Camm, a former Director of Wessex Water, as their “Master” last year. Returning to our turd metaphor, Ms Camm earned some of her wealth by tipping shit in our rivers.

Is it time for this gang of self-serving amoral tossers to take Colston’s advice – “Go and do thou likewise” – and drown in the docks?

ST MARVIN’S PARISH NEWS #16

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Some of you, no doubt encouraged by silly elements on the Parish Committee, led by Ms Townsend and other troublemakers from the parish’s failing school, the Dave Spart Academy, have been querying how parish leadership is now enabled. Let me explain.

Firstly, Mr Slocombe, who’s delivered excellence in shared resilience practice over two years as the parish’s creative communications specialist, is now known as Head of Vicar’s Office where he will aim to mature the church into an enabling organisation. To reflect his new importance I’ve awarded Mr Slocombe a pay rise in excess of 100 per cent.

Those of you who know Mr Slocombe will see perfect sense in all this. While those of you who don’t and are asking “what skills does Mr Slocombe bring to a senior parish role?” should reflect on our common purpose a little more. A career producing lots of dull press releases for striking postmen is the perfect training for life at St Marvin’s and Mr Slocombe brings with him lots of transferable skills. Please give him your unconditional support as both the Lord and I do.

As most of you are now aware, Mr Jackson from Weston-Super-Mare has finally arrived in post to replace our former parish administrator, Ms Klonowski from London. The post has been rebranded by Mr Slocombe as ‘Head of Administrative Services’ and Mr Slocombe tells me, “Jackson is a jumped up office boy. All decisions go through me.”

Some of you also have been asking how I have empowered Mr Alexander from Sea Mills? Mr Alexander, a well-known and popular parish figure, found every Sunday loudly cheering and applauding my sermons from the front row of the congregation, has agreed to become my freelance evangelical enforcer on a voluntary basis.

So three cheers for Mr Alexander and his solutions focused approach. His assistance at a recent meeting on church waste disposal hosted by our rubbish Parish Committee member, Mr Dudd was highly appreciated. If Mr Alexander hadn’t aggressively told that single mum from the Dave Spart Estate at the wrong end of the parish to “sit down and shut up” when she started asking questions about waste disposal, I’m assured the meeting may have outcomed sub-optimally.

Those of you, encouraged by Ms Townsend, accusing Mr Alexander of bullying and misogyny are wide of the mark. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “a woman’s place is on a sun lounger by my pool in a skimpy bikini.”

Finally, can I ask that you say a little prayer for Mr Browne, the hardworking chairman of governors at the parish’s high-achieving St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy? Mr Brown’s experiencing a difficult time presently after accidentally providing a character reference in court for convicted sex offender, Mr Perry, the former Head at St Snoot’s and, in a separate incident, he is being threatened with financial ruin because someone, probably from the Dave Spart Academy, is threatening to sue him!

 The Vicar