Bristol City Council seems to be avoiding cuts in some areas. Please step forward the Reverend Mayor, Marvin Rees, who’s decided there should be NO CUTS at all in his personal office; his new chief executive’s office or to his senior leadership team. Areas that have all chronically UNDERPERFORMED over the last five years and cost us a lot of money.
Not that the Reverend gives a shit about saving money when it comes to himself, his self-regarding PUBLICLY FUNDED international lifestyle or his personal office team of EGO PAMPERERS on the rates.
Back on November 30 the Reverend SUSPENDED non-essential spending at the council for ordinary staff delivering services. By Tuesday 6 December he was touching down in China, pretending he was on some sort sales mission.
What the fuck was he selling them? CREAKING, underfunded local public services? SUBSIDISED film studio facilities in Hengrove ideal for overblown costume drama? CHEAP tickets for dodgy middle class comedians at the Colston Hall? The USELESS services of the shittest Internal Audit team the world has ever known?
If a pointless ‘trade mission’ to China by a SMALL and FAILING municipal body led by a pompous, preening figurehead isn’t non-essential, what the fuck is?
It’s been confirmed to The BRISTOLIAN that so-called temporary plans to move staff out of the Council House while it’s “refurbished” will be made permanent and the building sold to the PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.
We understand that one of China’s leading sovereign wealth funds, the CHINA INVESTMENT CORPORATION (CIC), will be paying in the region £30m IN CASH for the landmark building and its College Green lawn. The deal was reputedly first brokered by Mayor Fergo when he traveled to China on a business mission late last year.
We can also confirm that the city’s private sector property boss, Robert “Spunkface” Orrett has travelled to Beijing twice this year already and we’ve seen evidence from a Freedom of Information request that Spunkface has, for the last six months, been receiving MANDARIN LESSONS at least twice weekly at his Council House office.
The future of the Council House, one of the city’s landmark buildings is currently unclear. Although a well-placed source has told us that he believes it will be used by the CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY as a cultural and business centre to promote further Chinese investment in the region and the UK as a whole.
“There’s absolutely no doubt now, “ he says, “the Chinese are coming and they’re paying CASH!”
Our source has also spoken to people “close to a number of West Bristol estate agents” who say that what appear to be senior Chinese Communist Party officials have been viewing “HIGH-END PROPERTIES” in Clifton and Leigh Woods.
Our source says, “Initially the Chinese were very interested in Georgian town houses in and around Clifton Village. However, since the Chinese security services have got involved, the interest has switched to SECLUDED LOCATIONS in Leigh Woods. I’m also told interest has been expressed in Ashton Court Mansion.”
Our spies in AVONMOUTH also report sightings of Chinese in and around the port. “They look like teams of surveyors in hard hats and h-viz,” we’re told.
And contacts at the BRISTOL WOOD RECYCLING PROJECT in the Enterprise Zone also report sighting Chinese officials at the arena site.
“They’ve turned up three times now,” we’re told. “They arrive in a convoy of about four or five smart, black Range Rovers with tinted windows and wander around the site. It’s all a bit cloak and dagger – dark suits, dark glasses, moody demeanours and so on.”
“Four of them came in here the other day and they didn’t seem much interested in buying any wood. I was just really friendly as they looked like the types who might shoot first and ask questions later. Although I did hear they bought a lot of salad leaves off the SEVERN PROJECT when they visited there.”