Tag Archives: Kevin Slocombe

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #18

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Alongside my good self, no doubt all sensible parishioners are extremely concerned by the huge amount of pointlessly negative comments made on social media about me. These comments are consistently racist, rude and less than helpful towards an innovative black leader of a creative parish with an increasing international profile.

Things have now taken a turn for the worse with some parishioners even daring to hang  ‘Paul Smith for Vicar’ banners outside of their homes and then share the pictures on social media. I have therefore decided now is the time to take a very serious stand and destroy the evil scourge of negative parishioners destroying sensible debate on social media. It’s what God would have wanted. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “The Book of Thin Skin sayeth that thee who message against me, is the racist enemy of thy lord and shall pay now in media smears and then in the hereafter.”

I am particularly obsessed and concerned – as, no doubt, are you, the sensible silent majority of parishioners supporting global reach parish leadership – about the Twitter account @st-marvin’s_citizen. He has been spreading rudeness and alternative news about the parish and especially myself for many years. I have therefore tasked our head verger, Mr Walsh, with taking this social media ringleader down. A task Mr Walsh is eminently experienced in after his time up north working at St Wakefield-the-Pederast’s-Friend, where he attempted to protect child rapists from justice at a cost of just one million pounds and a humiliating climbdown just prior to a high profile court case.

Results orientated Mr Walsh has already employed a close friend as a consultant at a highly competitive rate to investigate the Citizen. So if you see a confused posh twit in a pin-stripe suit who doesn’t appear to have the foggiest idea what he’s doing around the place, be sure to guide him towards the cash office so he can pick up his pay packet. Rest assured, the Citizen will be stopped and positivity, sanity and sense restored to the parish’s social media messaging. “If not,” says Mr Walsh, “we can always blame the Citizen account on Ms Townsend and her rabble at the Dave Spart Academy like we do everything else.”

Finally, following the vicious racist graffiti aimed at my good self, discovered in the vestry after last Wednesday’s mother and toddler group, I have no choice but to step up security at this week’s Sunday service. All bags will be searched and any ‘Paul Smith for vicar’ placards removed for your own safety. We will also be inviting certain congregation members, mainly those from the Dave Spart Academy and from notorious racist hotspots south of the parish, to view the service by videolink from the nearly-completed Church Hall complex.

The sermon will be delivered by myself working in partnership with senior editorial staff from the BBC and the St Marvin’s Post. Our theme is ‘are Commies and Corbynites racist?’ and all my friends and supporters are especially welcome. Front row pew tickets are available after careful vetting from my office.

See you there!

The Vicar

ST MARVIN’S PARISH NEWS #17

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No doubt you all saw the photographs of me all over social media doing my recent skydive for charity? I’m sure you all agree that these wonderful photos of me – available across all social media channels and available for use by the press – were far better photos than anything our Assistant Vicar, Mr Smith has ever managed.

Mr Smith may be constantly filling up your social media timelines with silly photos of himself but my Head of Vicar’s Office, Mr Slocombe, assures me “the optics are good” as I’m far better looking than Mr Smith and my sermons “knock Smith’s out of the vestry”. So let that be the end of any further debate about Mr Smith.

There’s also a lot of noise out there in the pews at present – no doubt encouraged by Ms Townsend and her rabble at the Dave Spart Academy – regarding my energy generating windmill that was attractively attached to the church spire a few years ago. Yes, it’s made a loss for the last three years. Yes, it will make a loss next year and the year after that but we’ve got to look at the social, cultural and economic machinery behind the project systemically here.

My windmill is a fabulous parish landmark as well as being a stirring, iconic beacon of intentional ecumenical and economic outcomes at St Marvin’s. Can you believe that our church is viewed, even as far away as Malaysia, as an ambitious, forward-thinking church able to unlock key challenges? That’s what this windmill is really all about. Our very own hi-tech mechanical gateway to global innovation that aims to ensure interdependence of social and economic outcomes.

We need to seek to see beyond simple, worldly, material benefits to our parish and look at the bigger spiritual picture we can paint for the world through parish innovation. Besides, as my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “a failing church business can always be set against a personal tax liability if you have the right accountant”. So I’ll be visiting a chap in the new year recommended to me by Mr Molton, who’s been providing the parish committee with excellent advice regarding land use for some time now, while receiving a highly competitive retainer.

Finally, can I take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a prosperous new year? And please remember, don’t go giving any money or presents to the homeless at this time of year. Contact the authorities and get the destitute and vulnerable through the gateway of innovation and on to a positive pathway in one of my friend Mr Ingerslev’s innovative state-funded doss houses.

By filling up his doss houses, Mr Ingerslev is able to meet key challenges and targets as outlined in his funding agreements. And, surely that’s the type of positive action compatible with the true spirit of Christmas we seek here at St Marvin’s?

The Vicar.

MAYOR’S OFFICE CASH UPDATE

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MAYOR’S OFFICE CASH UPDATE

While Bristol City Council continues to IMPOSE AUSTERITY on the rest of the city, it’s trebles all round in the office of the Mayor.

We’ve already told you about the Reverend’s personally appointed regeneration chief Colin “Head Boy” Molton – responsible for arena non-delivery – trousering £1.5k a day without the bother of having to go through any COMPETITIVE RECRUITMENT PROCESS. Not this side of the 2020 mayoral election, anyway.

Now we learn that the Reverend’s political assistant, Kevin “Don’t mention the private education” Slocombe has been treated to a ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN PER CENT pay rise by the Reverend. The same post under Mayor No More Ferguson attracted a wage of £45k for his glamorous assistant, Zoe “Groupie” Sear. Now the pay is £95K.

£45k isn’t bad money at all for a post managing a PA and a couple of admin assistants. But clearly not enough money for a MIDDLE RANKING PR of Slocombe’s standing. So he’s has bagged a £50k pay rise from his friend, the Reverend.

News is also in, courtesy of the council’s external auditors, that the £100k the Reverend handed to departing Chief Exec Anna “Big Wedge” Klonowski last year was a GENEROUS PERSONAL GIFT with public money from the Reverend and not a legally required pay off for her notice period as he claimed.

How much is the Reverend spending on generous and unnecessary payments to his mates? It’s hard to say. Especially now that the paperwork for the senior management reorganisation that the Reverend promised would save £1million a year on senior bosses’ wages has been made ‘EXEMPT‘. This means the public and press are conveniently DENIED access to any final figures.

 Is this because the promised savings haven’t materialised for the council, while large sums of money for a privileged few have materialised in personal bank accounts?

ST MARVIN’S PARISH NEWS #16

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Some of you, no doubt encouraged by silly elements on the Parish Committee, led by Ms Townsend and other troublemakers from the parish’s failing school, the Dave Spart Academy, have been querying how parish leadership is now enabled. Let me explain.

Firstly, Mr Slocombe, who’s delivered excellence in shared resilience practice over two years as the parish’s creative communications specialist, is now known as Head of Vicar’s Office where he will aim to mature the church into an enabling organisation. To reflect his new importance I’ve awarded Mr Slocombe a pay rise in excess of 100 per cent.

Those of you who know Mr Slocombe will see perfect sense in all this. While those of you who don’t and are asking “what skills does Mr Slocombe bring to a senior parish role?” should reflect on our common purpose a little more. A career producing lots of dull press releases for striking postmen is the perfect training for life at St Marvin’s and Mr Slocombe brings with him lots of transferable skills. Please give him your unconditional support as both the Lord and I do.

As most of you are now aware, Mr Jackson from Weston-Super-Mare has finally arrived in post to replace our former parish administrator, Ms Klonowski from London. The post has been rebranded by Mr Slocombe as ‘Head of Administrative Services’ and Mr Slocombe tells me, “Jackson is a jumped up office boy. All decisions go through me.”

Some of you also have been asking how I have empowered Mr Alexander from Sea Mills? Mr Alexander, a well-known and popular parish figure, found every Sunday loudly cheering and applauding my sermons from the front row of the congregation, has agreed to become my freelance evangelical enforcer on a voluntary basis.

So three cheers for Mr Alexander and his solutions focused approach. His assistance at a recent meeting on church waste disposal hosted by our rubbish Parish Committee member, Mr Dudd was highly appreciated. If Mr Alexander hadn’t aggressively told that single mum from the Dave Spart Estate at the wrong end of the parish to “sit down and shut up” when she started asking questions about waste disposal, I’m assured the meeting may have outcomed sub-optimally.

Those of you, encouraged by Ms Townsend, accusing Mr Alexander of bullying and misogyny are wide of the mark. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “a woman’s place is on a sun lounger by my pool in a skimpy bikini.”

Finally, can I ask that you say a little prayer for Mr Browne, the hardworking chairman of governors at the parish’s high-achieving St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy? Mr Brown’s experiencing a difficult time presently after accidentally providing a character reference in court for convicted sex offender, Mr Perry, the former Head at St Snoot’s and, in a separate incident, he is being threatened with financial ruin because someone, probably from the Dave Spart Academy, is threatening to sue him!

 The Vicar

COCKTAIL PARTY JOY

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COCKTAIL PARTY JOY

FACTS and FIGURES come crashing into the inbox regarding the Reverend’s recent trip to Cannes to attend the MIPIM property conference. A sort of working holiday on the Côte d’Azur where gullible local authority types can get mugged for their land by property speculators.

THREE ‘delegates’ from Bristol City Council went. The Reverend and his two current sidekicks, PR man Kevin “Don’t Mention the Private Education” Slocombe and Colin “Head Boy” Molton. Although we’re told that the Reverend’s Cabinet member for Spatial Planning and City Design Nicola “LA LA” Beech went along paid for by her employer.

And the cost of this three-day jaunt to you, dear council tax payer? A mere £9,950! Included in a busy itinerary for these selfless public servants were urgent events such as the ‘ARUP COCKTAIL PARTY‘, the ‘YTL  DEVELOPMENTS DINNER‘ and the ‘BOUYGUE – LINKCITY DINNER‘!

Tough gigs but, no doubt, someone’s got to spend £10k of our money doing it!

 

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #15

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Welcome my adoring flock and what a special month this is. A time for mass celebration as I’ve now been your vicar for two fantastic, high achieving years that have exceeded all expectations and smashed all targets. We have so much to celebrate as these two years have been a litany of high achievement with the prospect of much, much more to come.

But where do I start such a vibrant whole-parish inclusive celebration of diverse delivery? Perhaps by noting my exceptional background in church hall strategy leadership in America and religious health innovation in various small village settings across the UK, has delivered the aspiration of church hall transformation we have all been waiting for. The transformed church hall, funded through my new Church Media Fund, is set to open – our private sector partners assure me – as soon as congregation numbers and, therefore, potential church hall user numbers make the building financially viable. This may be as soon as five years, I’ve been assured. Hurrah!

Similarly, my new pay-as-https://flic.kr/p/25Mnrqmyou-go self service tea vending solution in the vestry is about to go live very soon indeed. Final software tests are being undertaken by our best

value consultant contractors from London prior to an experimental soft launch. Tea in the vestry will never have been so efficient. Hurrah! Then there was my 360 degree review of the Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson’s failed car parking strategy. Now families can attend St Marvin’s in a 4×4 diesel vehicle, happy in the knowledge they need only pay a small parking fee to access the church and financially support the parish’s wider aspirations. Hurrah!

And many of those same families are also secure within the St Marvin’s family knowing that thanks to my introduction of a small ‘Regular Worshipper Uplift Charge’ their children are safely on a best value, time efficient journey into the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘excellent’ St Snoot’s Academy. Hurrah!

I feel I should also mention the help and support from all three of the Parish Secretaries I’ve, so far, appointed on highly competitive rates. A big thank you to Mr Stephens from Birmingham, Ms Klonowski from London and, I’m sure you’re excited as me at my appointment of Mr Jackson from Weston-Super-Mare to head up the parish committee as we move into a more aggressive delivery phase. What a diverse and vibrant group of parish leaders we have here to celebrate. Hurrah!

A special mention too should be made regarding my regular all-expenses paid trips to the US to visit my fantastic friend and religious mentor who facilitates a refresh and renewal of my faith. As this mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “an expensive trip to pray alongside me at my impressive luxury mansion with outdoor swimming, gym and sauna facilities is what the Lord desires”.

And on that positive note of positivity, let’s look forward to the next two years, which Mr Slocombe’s already designated ‘the years of delivery’. Aspirations such as an open church hall, a self-serve tea facility in the vestry and increased parking charges may soon become the new reality. Hurrah!

Here’s to another two years! Hurrah!

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #11

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Greetings at this very special time of year. “A good time to bury bad news” as our Parish communications professional Mr Slocombe always reminds me over a glass of dry sherry in the rectory as we blue sky our Christmas ‘grid’ for the co-production of seasonal excellence in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Although, please note, any mention of my own father and his colourful past remains banned and will not be tolerated as Mr Slocombe detailed in the comprehensive legal threat delivered to the entire congregation last week along with my Christmas card.

This year’s Christmas action points are as packed as ever and have been branded by Mr Slocombe as ‘Tough Christmas times, High New Year hopes’. Especially relevant due to the soft launch of our almost partially transformed Church Hall. I’m assured by our independent development consultants from London, the Jerry Bilt Associates, that the hall will enter completion phase “sometime next year” and that a temporary tarpaulin roof in the meantime is first class solutioning even if there is a small upper-percentile risk of freezing draught at times.

Please do not be put off attending St Marvin’s Christmas events including our transgender light operatic passion musical “Oh Christ!” and, again, this year St Snoots Academy Renaissance Orchestra and Choir’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ quality Christmas carol production. Although please note tickets are limited, as this year we are being joined by various finance partners, the Chamber of Commerce, the Rotary Club and the local United Grand Lodge of Freemasons. If you’re lucky enough to get in – don’t forget your woollies!

I’m led toward an understanding that the Dave Spart Academy Community Choir are performing at the Cathedral in a seasonal Songs of Praise this year. It’s partially noteworthy that our local OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ comprehensive has been identified as a seasonal token gesture by the BBC. Although it’s unfortunate I shan’t be able to attend as core parish leaders and I have a prior engagement in London at the Jerry Bilt Associate’s annual Christmas black tie dinner and dance at the Soho Club. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “And lo, it will come to pass that a toot of blow at Christmas does no one any harm.”

This year’s Christmas Charity Appeal is for the Cheney family. You may know Mr Cheney as he’s one of the morons who make up the numbers on the Parish Committee that I haven’t fired yet. Unfortunately without your help, due to the unpreventable evil of Tory austerity, his eleven children will be sleeping under a small bush in the churchyard this Christmas. With only an old soaking wet Peppa Pig blanket for warmth and a bowl of porridge to share for Christmas dinner, their plight is truly desperate. We must especially pray that poor Tiny Tim Cheney even makes it to Christmas. Please give generously.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Vicar

IN THE COURT OF TSAR MARVIN

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Moseley: at a brewery. But could he organise the piss up?

A well-placed source tells The BRISTOLIAN that the Reverend Rees and his two posh boy advisors at the council KEVIN “Don’t Mention the Private Education” SLOCOMBE and BEN “Oswald” MOSELEY have “totally lost it” and are “selling Bristol off to corporates in exchange for crappy short term fixes that are doomed to fail the city”.

“It’s like the final days of the court of Tsar Nicholas II having a NEW LABOUR STRATEGY MEETING up there,” we’re told of Marvin and his court cronies upstairs in the Counts Louse.

“Despite all three having a history in the Labour movement, none of them has any interest in listening to anyone in the movement – especially their own STAFF, UNIONS or anyone in their local PARTY. Instead, a rolling roster of expensive corporate goons, proposing one daft “strategy” after another for a large fee get full house room and their arses thoroughly licked by the trio.”

The promotion of Oswald Moseley over the summer to run Marvin’s executive office has especially raised a few eyebrows at the Counts Louse and beyond. The post is supposed to be a NON-POLITICAL senior local government officer role. Although Oswald has a long history with the local LABOUR PARTY. Including a stint working for Bristol East MP, Kerry “And the Banshees” McCarthy, and, in 2012, running Marvin’s losing mayoral campaign – widely regarded as an abysmal shambles!

Oswald is hardly a shining beacon for objective, non-political senior council officers is he? And, questions are beginning to be asked about a recruitment process that identified the Rev Rees’s FRIEND and former CAMPAIGN MANAGER, Oswald, as the best person for the job. Is this another dubious public appointment made to appease a marginal mayor that will sell Bristol short?

Slocombe: “Don’t mention the private school education” or basic competence

Meanwhile Slocombe, supposedly a TRADE UNIONIST and the one political appointment the Reverend is allowed to make, seems to be attempting to square his new found love for ultra-New Labour anti-worker corporate solutions to any and every problem with his trade union contacts.

We’re informed that Slocombe has been SKULKING AROUND meeting various senior regional union bureaucrats from the council’s unions begging them to lay-off the Reverend and Bristol City Council generally. Something many rank and file members, especially from Unite, may not be happy about.

“Everything these three are promoting is a FUCKING STUPID corporate solution that takes the city backwards to Thatcher, punishes the workforce and strongly rewards a small group of managers and unaccountable corporate consultants” says our source.

“The City Office, the management restructure; the “One Bristol” plan to abandon the voluntary sector, the vicious cuts. All of them have been devised by temporary consultants and interims with an eye on a BIG PRIVATE SECTOR PAY DAY down the line.”

“This is a corporate takeover of Bristol City Council. Rees, his two advisors and their revolving door of corporate Rasputins must be stopped.”

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #9

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Welcome back my glorious flock! I hope you are refreshed and ready to leave memories of that remarkably good value Slovenian holiday behind? Now is the time to worship and pray alongside me once more and make the religious and financial sacrifice that will get you nearer to Christ and your children into the parish’s high performing, OFSTED rated ‘Outstanding’ school, St Snoot-the-Privileged.

I was extraordinarily busy over the summer, even foregoing my annual pilgrimage to my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon’s biblical summer yachting school. This year, taking place in an upmarket resort in Connecticut. Maybe I will get out to the US next year for the pastor’s Southern Californian spring surf and pray retreat? As the pastor says, “he that journeys regularly on expenses to pay homage to Jesus Christ the Saviour has one foot on the stairway to heaven.”

Although, alas, all that glitters isn’t gold at St Marvin’s at present. You may have already heard the terrible news that our fantastic Parish Administrator, Ms Klonowski from London, has tendered her resignation for “family reasons”. Apparently, she needs to look after her sick and elderly parents who none of us even realised existed until last week! Can I also take this opportunity to put an end to any ridiculous rumours that Ms Klonowski’s resignation has something to do with that silly class action, launched by some bitter former members of the Parish Committee, alleging serious harassment by Ms Klonowski? It does not.

After very careful consideration, myself and my public relations assistant, Mr Slocombe, have decided not to replace Ms Klonowski as such. Although, rest assured, that the improvement journey Ms Klonowski has embarked St Marvin’s upon with her brilliant, if grammatically complex, ‘Sensible Efficiencies Strategy’ will continue with myself and Mr Slocombe assuming many of the duties of the Parish Administrator.

Finally, some good news: the Church Hall reimprovement works funded through our Church Media Fund are on target for completion once average capital development slippage deviation is given consideration. We are currently studying final costs but believe it falls within a redrafted budget envelope after some revenue income rephasing work is constituted within the renewed capital uplift pipeline.

I’m therefore excited that the first production in our fabulous new hall will be at Christmas when we’ll be presenting the Regional Arts Council Funded Elite Theatre Group with the Hampstead Players’ “Oh Christ!”, described by the Guardian as “the finest atheist, transgender light operatic passion musical this year”! What a fantastic treat! Especially as thanks to tough negotiations with the Elite Theatre Group we will be able to offer tickets at just £40 each or at £150 for a family of four. Tickets will be available soon.

However, please note tickets will not be available for the gala performance on 23 December, which will be attended by myself, the Mayor, the Bishop and a very special guest – the mayor of Panevėžys – Lithuania’s fifth largest city! Obviously some of our principal parishioners and financial supporters can expect to be there and others – such as Ms Townsend and her motley crew from the parish’s other school, the Dave Spart Academy – cannot. Further details and invitations for this amazing event, sponsored by Global Tax and Finance Inc. World Mayors’ Travel the World Project, will be made available soon.

This production will bring some light relief and entertainment to St Marvin’s after our various trials over this year. On that positive note, I bid you farewell. My hopes and prayers, as always, are with the deserving.