YE DAMNED CHRONICLES OF SCAMALOT, BOOK TWO
Verses 6-9: Deny, Ye Art Such A Liar
6. As has been written, it happened that Bristol City Council Environmental Health inspectors were dispatched to inspect Speedwell Fire Station, yet another council-owned building entrusted to ye accursed property guardian company CAMELOT. Herein the inspectors found plagues of rats and other vermin, fire hazards, electric shocks from the water supply, a lack of hot water, an insecure building and many, many other failings of Scamalot’s “care” too numerous to chronicle here.
7. And lo! At this moment the Speedwell guardian-tenants formed into a guild and bravely swore to withhold ye rack-rent from SCAMALOT until the slum landlords had implemented all the recommendations ordered by Environmental Health.
8. It is written that Scamalot then proceeded to fiddle, dawdle and procrastinate, eventually deciding to largely ignore the recommendations. And on the third day Mark “prize wanker” Hurley, ye South West Guardian Manager at Scamalot Europe, arose from the dead and quoth to one guardian-tenant that “Bristol City Council Environmental Health are now completely content – so ye lowly serfs should now pay your rent!” (see ye transcript, preserved for eternity by the white magick of ye BRISTOLIAN coven)
9. Yet ye guardian-tenant wisely contacted Bristol City Council Environmental Health and found out this was a complete porky (see ye aforementioned transcript). So despite the bad publicity and wrath, temporal and divine that cometh down on Scamalot like ye plagues of Egypt, they art still and will ever be outright liars.
More verses of this woeful tale of wickedness shall be recounted in Ye Chronicles of Scam-a-lot, Books Three to Twelve, run exclusively in THE BRISTOLIAN
Extracts of Phone Conversations
Guardian-Tenant calls Camelot’s Guardian Manager, Mark Hurley to find out if they have completed all the recommendations made by BCC Environmental Health team:
Guardian-Tenant: You said that you got the ‘thumbs up’ from the Council that everything else was done?
Mark Hurley (Camelot): As far as I am aware, yes.
Guardian-Tenant: From the environmental health, yeh?
Mark Hurley (Camelot): Yes, Correct.
Guardian-Tenant: OK, Cool. So what’s been done to fix the fire door?
Mark Hurley (Camelot): I don’t know mate. I haven’t been there. One of the maintenance people reported back to me. Why, what’s the issue?
Guardian-Tenant: Well the fire door still looks exactly the same.
Mark Hurley (Camelot): I believe it was the Council that came and fixed that.
Guardian-tenant: Right I know that it was [Guardian-Tenant] who nailed a little piece of ply over the window that had broken.
Mark Hurley (Camelot): Right.
Guardian-tenant: I don’t think anyone else has done anything that I can see. Anyway it just looks the same.
Mark Hurley (Camelot): OK.
Guardian-tenant: I was just wondering if you could tell me what the electrical faults were that have been fixed. You know from getting the electrical shocks and stuff.
Mark Hurley (Camelot): I can’t tell you cos I don’t know.
Guardian-tenant: Oh right…OK. I just wanted to be sure that the electrical things had been sorted. I didn’t want to get any more electric shocks.
Mark Hurley (Camelot): Understandable.
Guardian-tenant: And like with the rats…there is still like a big hole in the actual kitchen door where the rats can come and go quite freely.
Mark Hurley (Camelot): Bristol City Council vermin control were there yesterday. They’re all over it. As I said to you mate, it’s quite simply, you know its been reported back to us…rats are going to be attracted to food lying around. You gotta keep the place clean. So that’s part of the problem. They’re all over it at the minute, the Council, they’re sorting it out.
Guardian-tenant: Umm, right Ok. I just wanted to check everything had been done right before I paid anything.
Mark Hurley (Camelot): That’s right. Hang on a second I will see if I can get hold of Kate.
Kate Biernat (Property Manager, Camelot): Hello. Hi. Basically all the issues that you raised have been dealt with.
A few minutes later, phone call to Bristol City Council Environmental Health Team (BCC EHT):
Guardian-tenant: I’m just calling up regarding an inspection you did. It was on a Camelot property. It’s the Old Fire Station at Speedwell.
BCC EHT: Oh, yes.
Guardian-tenant: So I have just been speaking to our property manager and he says the Council have given Camelot the ‘thumbs up’ that the property is now up to standards.
BCC EHT: I can answer that quite quickly. Your question…the answer would be NO, we haven’t given the ‘thumbs up’.