We were amazed to read recent reports from the cops that due to funding cuts victims are now expected to INVESTIGATE CRIMES THEMSELVES. Including, we’re told, crimes like burglary and criminal damage.

Rumours of speedily constructed gallows in various parts of the city have yet to be confirmed.  Although, here at The BRISTOLIAN  we would be amazed if burglaries aren’t investigated in CLIFTON or WESTBURY ON TRYM before we all start getting our balaclavas and gloves out.

But this has been the case for many years in some areas of Bristol. Try getting police support in HARTCLIFFE, EASTON or ST PAULS.  Give plod a ring because someone has torched your mini and see what happens: nothing normally.

This reminds us of an old story.  A young single mum living in the INNER CITY phoned the police after hearing and spotting someone in her back garden. She was promised support within ten minutes.

When it failed to arrive she rang again. She explained she was on her own in her house with two small children. More worrying, the intruder had got it into the shed where the tools were. She was given further assurances …

Another ten minutes with no sign of plod, she rings back to say, “don’t bother, I’ve SHOT HIM”.
Lo and Behold! Within two minutes an ARMED RESPONSE unit arrives!

They questioned her for several hours before departing. Needless to say, they had lost all interest in the theft from the shed.

We’ve also heard this week on national news that due to cuts the constabulary are struggling to police more SERIOUS CRIMES.  This includes having enough trained officers to investigate CHILD SEX INTERNET CRIMES and FRAUD.  Both are extremely serious and we we’d wager that the vast majority of Bristolian readers would identify the detection and arrest of NONCES as a primary objective of police forces.

However, we hear Avon and Somerset’s finest have been out serving warrants on some internet users.  Paedophiles? Major fraudsters?  Robbing Bankers?  ‘Fraid not. Just the email account of a, er … local RADICAL BOOK SHOP!

So while there’s a deficit of trained cops to tackle perverts, in Bristol they’re busy seizing and searching old BOOK ORDERS, STAFFING LISTS and lists of MAIL ORDER ADDRESSES!

No doubt identifying “POLITICAL RADICALS” and other undesirables who read books. Fuck me, I’ll feel safer sleeping in my bed tonight!!!

The BRISTOLIAN has its eyes peeled and continues to investigate FRAUD and CORRUPTION among Bristol’s high and mighty.  We’ll then hand details to the Old Bill, and see what they do.

If you know anything, drop us a line and we’ll chase it. Lets turn their austerity measures around.