It is of the utmost importance that we
work together as a congregation to iterate the next iteration of my parish so
that this reiteration addresses the critical issues of our time: climate
change; inequality; Brexit but, mainly, doing something about people who
disagree with me. We, of course, must also ensure our parish partners in
business are making lots of money. It is therefore a priority that my
influence, as a parish leader, extends into inclusive, cross -organisational
work and dialogue with other city leaders and change makers. This requires a
new form of parish leadership by exciting thematic boards where I can talk
about issues at great length with members of the congregation I have personally
selected because they will do what I say no matter how stupid.
Another purpose of us parish leaders
and change makers is to regularly fly half way around the globe to listen to
speeches by exciting former global leaders scratching out a living on the
lecture circuit such as my new close friend, Al Gore. This is how change makers
can ensure a more diverse demographic is being reached and their desire to join
our iterative future parish journey enabled. Sometimes this will mean many of
the little people in the congregation will need to be entirely ignored for the
greater good of the global spiritual goals we all share. Let’s celebrate your
sacrifice the way Christ celebrated the wealth creators, the innovators and the
Often, our important shared priorities
may find me associating with vastly wealthy old men or with global
corporations. Sometimes I must join high-level trade delegations to the US with
our local business friends where I may also find time to commune with my mentor
the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor
Righteous Loon. Let’s now recall and celebrate his wisdom on the subject of
international travel, “a plane is God’s way of making you a bird”.
Indeed, it is. So what say now the negative naysayers with their clickbait of
pointless point-scoring on Twitter and 30 second soundbites of opposition from
the pews? The silence is deafening in here isn’t it? Not least because Ms
Townsend and anyone else from parish’s OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart
Academy have not been invited.
As Gracie Fields once said,
“Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” and as Michelle Obama says, “when I’m
low I get high”. The state of this parish and my mind is strong. Woof!
It’s quite the bromance isn’t it? Will
the lovestruck Reverend Rees ever let his wannabe property speculator FRIEND
WITH BENEFITS, city council Executive Director of Growth and Regeneration,
Colin “Head Boy” Molton, go?
Stephen “Preening” Peacock,
the replacement for the Reverend’s dubiously appointed CONSTITUTIONAL WRECK
of a £1,500 a day council exec with a taste for £200 taxi trips on us, finally
arrived at the Counts Louse on the 26 September. However, we were soon informed
that Head (Lover) Boy would NOT BE WALKING OUT on the Reverend just yet
and that the starry-eyed lovers could carry on sharing their public land
giveaway fetish, romantic Cote D’Azure mini breaks and secret trysts on the
third floor of the Council House for a while yet.
The latest excuse provided by a council
PR for the NON-EXIT of Lover Boy and his ample wage demands is that
“There will be a sensible period of handover between Colin and Stephen to
ensure a smooth transition and to maintain momentum with major projects”.
Although, the poorly briefed PR was UNABLE TO SAY when this bizarre ménage
a trois might end. How much longer will we have to pay Lover Boy £1,500 a
day for services rendered to the mayor? Days? Weeks? Months?
Rees’s new love interest, Peacock, will
have to struggle along on a wage of just £165k a year and the GOOD NEWS
is that he will also be subject to PAYE like his employees. The BAD NEWS
is that Peacock’s another South West Regional Development Agency reject with a
“huge amount of experience of economic development, major regeneration
projects, technology and the energy sector”.
Doesn’t this sound dangerously similar
to Lover Boy? Has the Reverend fallen head over heels for yet another naive
career bureaucrat with a high opinion of himself who’ll get SHAGGED
ABSOLUTELY SENSELESS when he falls prey to CORPORATE PROPERTY PIMPS
with an eye for his assets?
Have the stroppy TRIGGER BALLOTS going off all over the place to see if our local Labour MPs should face a selection contest created a CHAIN REACTION in the fabric of the city’s time-space continuum? How else to explain a MYSTERIOUS LOST WORLD that has been discovered in Bristol by the Labour Party’s Regional Office?
Unscientific reports say the newly discovered land is in BISHOPSTON AND ASHLEY DOWN in the Bristol West constituency. However, due to some sort of unexplained Schrodinger’s cat-type time-space quantum field, it “is NOT PART OF BISHOPSTON AND ASHLEY DOWN” and is actually somewhere else entirely in Bristol North West, the constituency of under-threat honorary Lib Dem MP, “Dipshit” Darren Jones.
Even more remarkably, A LOST TRIBE OF 20 MYSTERIOUS LABOUR PARTY MEMBERS are alive and well in this impossible new land and were able to vote as their own branch to decide whether Dipshit should be put up for reselection as a Labour candidate.
Have you noticed any mysterious time-space displacement phenomena in your area recently? Maybe flying discs in the sky or portals to Bristol North West? Has the Labour Party discovered a lost world and set up a quantum branch near you?
Locals in North Bristol have come out against The Reverend’s cabinet transport supremo, Kye “The” Dudd’s CRAZED and EXPENSIVE plan to increase the height of the damaged grade II listed Kingsweston Iron Bridge on Kingsweston Hill to stop more high vehicles crashing in to it. The Kingsweston Action Group (KWAG) is instead SUPPORTING Historic England’s SENSIBLE and considerably CHEAPER plan to install sacrificial “goalpost” height restrictors at the junctions with Shirehampton Road and Westbury Lane to the south of Kingsweston Hill, and Kings Weston Lane in the north.
The damaged bridge could then be dismantled, taken away for repair and restoration, and rebuilt back in place as it now is and at a far cheaper price than the £2MILLION estimated for The Dudd’s plan. KWAG’s advisers, Dorothea Restoration, say it would take a week to dismantle the bridge, three months to strip, repair, re-cast broken sections and repaint and then a further week to reassemble back in place. Job done! KWAG say, “We genuinely need public feedback on these proposals before we develop them into a more finished form for planning”.
Support these plans and help get the bridge back in action sooner rather than later.
Our story in BRISTOLIAN 50 about the council’s ODD ACCOUNTING and WEIRD PROPOSALS for rent hikes at St Nicholas Market created a flurry of activity suggesting that old habits are dying hard when it comes to management of our historic market.
A number of sources tell us that the market’s ‘Food Coordinator’, Lorna Knapman, described as a friend of the current interim market manager, was appointed WITHOUT ANY FORMAL RECRUITMENT PROCESS. Moreover, it seems, Ms Knapman, who has worked at the market for some years, was NOT ON THE COUNCIL PAYROLL for much of this time and instead collected her salary through a tax-efficient private company, claiming she was a contractor for the council.
This cosy tax-dodging arrangement was almost certainly CONTRARY to all known council HR policy and it’s unlikely that the council has met its obligations under so-called ‘IR35’ tax legislation by paying what is almost certainly an employee in this fashion. To add insult to injury, we’re informed that the markets coordinated by Ms Knapman “ARE DYING A DEATH“.
There’s “often only one trader for the ‘Award Winning Vegan Market’ on a Monday and traders are RAPIDLY DESERTING the popular Farmers Market,” we’re told. Meanwhile, Ms Knapman appears to have personal control of all the market’s social media accounts, which she uses to SOLELY promote her street food markets, ignoring any traders in the main market.
Presumably because they don’t matter to market bosses who have other plans for their stalls?