Monthly Archives: June 2013


Welcome to the Hoyty-Toyty World of Bristol Politics!


First meeting of the new four-strong city council Green Group and it went very well indeed. We almost fill a small corner of a Committee Room now! We covered everything from how totally opposed we are to any of the cuts we vote for, to hammering out some VERY SERIOUS POLICY POSITIONS.

First in the in-tray was the super controversial Resident Parking Zones. After some frank, open discussion and very serious debate, and with brilliant input from all our councillors, we agreed a consensus policy on the issue. Basically, on the first and third Wednesdays of each month, we are totally in favour of the Resident Parking Zones. We will meet again next week to hammer out what to do if there’s a fifth Wednesday in the month. On weekdays – except, obviously, the first and third Wednesdays – when the sun shines we are against the parking zones. On weekends, regardless of the weather, we think it should be left for the communities affected to decide.

We then had a vigorous debate about rainy days and Mondays, except – obviously – any rainy first and third Wednesdays and all days on weekends – but remain undecided.

We agreed to come back to the issue next week after George had made his mind up about it all anyway. We’ve also drawn up an EXTENSIVE COMMUNICATIONS STRATEGY on the issue to cascade to all Bristol Green Party members. It reads:


Tried to pop in to see George afterwards but he was busy in a meeting with the very independently-minded MR PERRY FROM CLIFTON, so he asked me to come back tomorrow.


Popped back up to the third floor to see George this morning and bumped straight in to a beaming MR HOLT clutching a handful of BRISTOLIANs and shouting at me, “Have you seen it? Have you seen it? I’m in it!” I congratulated him and he skipped off to show ANGIE RIDGWELL. It must be said that being called by a girl’s name in The BRISTOLIAN may well turn out to be Peter’s crowning achievement from his time in the city.

Tried to see George but he was with Mr Perry again. Indeed Mr Perry was sitting in George’s Eames chair with his feet up on his desk while George appeared to be standing listening intently. In my opinion Mr Perry was very rude telling me to go away as they were busy running the city.


Tried to see George again. When I got to the third floor I could hear raised voices or, rather, a raised voice that sounded rather like Mr Perry’s. It was something to do with resident parking I think and the words “Stop dithering! Just bloody get on with it, you useless red-trousered old” something-or-other.

Mostly I could hear what they were saying, but I have never heard of a ‘STANKWAIN’ before, and it’s not in My First Illustrated Dictionary. When I tapped on George’s door he immediately opened it and shouted at me to – and even as I write this I’m blushing – “Eff-you-see-kay off and stop stalking me!”

Charming! After everything I’ve done for him. That’s the last time I iron his silk pyjamas as a favour before one of his late-night list-ticking sessions.


Decided it was time to start focusing on my new cabinet portfolio. Started with council housing today and explained in detail to the council housing boss MR PALMER how I wanted a wraparound strategy to retrofit our housing for the forthcoming environmental apocalypse in place ASAP. In the meantime I told Mr Palmer to set up a Twitter account to talk up solar panels and cavity wall insulation.

Mr Palmer said he thought his housing officers would be “thrilled” by my “creative approach” as it would make a change from all that depressing Bedroom Tax Spare Room Subsidy stuff. He also invited me to his leaving do, as he’s going next Tuesday. “Who’ll be in charge then?” I asked. He just laughed and said, “SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY, GUS!”


Tried to find out today who’s in charge of the city’s council housing from next Tuesday. Nobody seemed very sure. Also bumped into my new Cabinet colleague MRS MASSEY in the corridor this afternoon. She was trying to find out who was now in charge of education as the excellent MRS HUDSON was also leaving. We both decided to call it a day and go to the cider bar at Eat, Drink, Bristol.


Attended the Reed Service at St Mary Redcliffe Church today. It’s a special ceremony for us councillors, and a great opportunity to dress up. Someone asked me if I was a Christian and I did my usual response of staring at the ground and shuffling about a bit before changing the subject. As it was the weekend, I just said, “I think the communities affected should decide on parking zones, don’t you?”

But George didn’t find it funny, though.


New council boss displays worrying traits after just one month

Just a month into her role as Bristol’s new £160,000 per year ‘City Director’, Nicola ‘Quitter’ Yates OBE – who left Hull City Council in a hurry last year – has firmly instructed her Senior Leadership Team (SLT) to table a pared-to-the- bone ‘YEAR ZERO’ BUDGET.

Drawing inspiration from Cambodia’s genocidal maniac Pol Pot, Quitter and our Red Trousered friend Mayor Fergo – a comparative bargain at just under £67k – want to turn back the clock on what is acceptable in a modern city, and strip council-funded services to the barest minimum.

Since the Dear Leaders made their wishes known, the ever-obedient SLT has been busy identifying the statutory obligations the council has – and bollocks to the rest. If they proceed with this, facilities like day centres, museums, leisure

centres and many other key resources will lose all funding. The council will then only pay for what is required by statute – their BOG STANDARD LEGAL OBLIGATION.

Of course, you will not see a reduction in your council tax, only in the services you receive. You wait and see what happens after your granny falls down the stairs, and needs help after leaving hospital – sweet FA.

The question must arise sooner or later, just what are we paying for (apart from their salaries)? Well, an army of overpaid unelected consultants carving up our services, whilst telling us there is not enough money for our basic needs, before pissing off back to their suburban luxury, with full fucking healthcare and the like.

Time to bring forth the guillotine!


Round and round they go...

While the council has been dragging its feet over telling us how much Junket George’s last overseas jolly – to the 7th Sustainable Cities Conference in Geneva (see BRISTOLIAN #4.3) – has cost us, we’ve had a useful insight into the event from George’s fellow traveller, the boss of the quango Bristol Green Capital Partnership, Darren ‘Tammany’ Hall.

Gushed the SOMEWHAT EXCITABLE Tammany in an email to supporters: “Thankfully, the conference was mostly about solutions. Janez Potoznik, Director General of Environment for the EU, talked about the huge opportunities in transitioning to a circular economy.”

Excellent. Not only were they LAYING WASTE to the English language as we know it – or should that be transitioning nouns to ugly verbs? – they were literally talking about making us all go around in circles!

Perhaps someone should tell Tammany to transition his head out of his arse?


Are the signs of strain already getting to Gorgeous George? His recent antics down at the Bearpit pedestrian underpass between Stokes Croft and Broadmead – which saw him telling a member of the public, one Paul Saville, to “FUCK OFF” simply for asking him about Resident Parking Zones – certainly suggest so.

As do his bizarre excuses to the media following his very public breakdown. “He was stalking me!” squealed the LIGHTWEIGHT RED-TROUSERED FANTASIST about a person who had spoken to the him all of, er … twice!

The madness of King George’s attacks on his critics are increasing exponentially by the month. Back in the halcyon days of his election campaign, he merely accused his critics of “party politicking”. Once in office his critics became “silly”. Now he regularly accuses any critics of being “stalkers”.

The BRISTOLIAN therefore suggests that if you want to disagree with George do it quick.

At this rate of attrition, by Christmas you’re likely to be labelled by the mayor as “rapist” or “paedophile”.


Feeling the pressure of high office in these early days of Bristol’s Rainbow Reich is George’s little Green helper, Cllr Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty.

In between launching into crazed diatribes against vegetables and throwing around wild accusations of theft, the second most effective Green councillor for the Ashley ward has been upsetting his own constituents with his ERRATIC AND EVASIVE approach to their concerns over Resident Parking Zones.

This culminated recently in a bizarre outburst from Sir Gus, when he claimed a photo in the Evening, sorry, Bristol Post of a few pensioners on Cobourg Road in Montpelier BRANDISHING PITCHFORKS and mock threatening Gorgeous George over his Parking Zones represented a serious and present danger to Sir Gus’s personal safety.

“They’re doing this on the street I live [on],” whined the selfless Green, a vociferous champion of councillors living in the areas they represent. Except if the Electoral Register is to be believed, there is NO GUS HOYT now living on Cobourg Road.

Most strange. Perhaps Sir Gus has been taking lessons from Bristol Labour’s most deranged Alderman, Royston Griffey? Is Sir Gus now Lord of the Montpelier Manor and labouring under the belief that the whole ward belongs to him?

Have the pressures of being a high-flying local politician meant that Hoyty-Toyty has also forgotten to register his current address for Council Tax?


Fergo's First Law

Fergo’s First Law

Sure, it will no doubt feed the PLANET-SIZED EGO OF THE MILLIONAIRE MAYOR yet further, but we rather like this reader-submitted artwork from ‘BV’.

You can download a print-quality version here – and don’t forget to send us your photos of it displayed prominently in your home, workplace or out in public!

Extra credit will be given if you ‘stalk’ (his unsubstantiated words, not ours) Bristol’s most eligible bachelor himself, and squeeze his not inconsiderable face into the frame alongside the poster…

Email us your pictures at the address on the ‘Contact’ page…


Whilst Mayor Fergo embarks on a jubilant celebratory bender to mark Bristol winning the expensive right to call itself ‘EUROPEAN GREEN CAPITAL 2015 (announced at a ceremony in the French city Nantes, which naturally George felt compelled to attend) we can hazard a guess as to his strategy for greenifying the city – unplugging anything electrical that might make working for him bearable.

Thanks to commenter Concerned for this tasty morsel:

Talking of Fergusons Tobacco Factory Bar model of low-status, low-wage and no-rights employees, I mentioned to one that his sweat dripped on the bar as i bought an overpriced pint during that rare hot spell recently. He moaned that FERGUSON DELIBERATELY DOESN’T HAVE AIR CONDITIONING IN THE BAR as it makes people thirstier, unlike his penthouse style quarters upstairs.

We look forward to George and his talented Rainbow Hotdesk Imagineering Roundtable Collective (AKA the council’s Cabinet) coming up with other similarly outside-the-box ideas to foist upon ordinary Bristolians to offset their own hot air emissions.

Kidney dialysis machines which only work if you’ve put your rubbish in the right recycling box, perhaps? Or a low impact water taxi service powered by oar-pulling children paying off their parents’ Bedroom Tax bills? Or – gasp – maybe at last the dream will be made reality…



Ho-ho-ho! Green giant prat and esteemed councillor Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty drops a double clanger

Ho-ho-ho! Green giant prat and esteemed councillor Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty drops a double clanger

The BRISTOLIAN‘s ongoing digging around into financial irregularities at Tony ‘The Toerag’ Harvey’s city council Markets Service is paying unexpected dividends after the service’s new Cabinet boss, our old friend Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty, openly admitted today on Twitter that money has been stolen out of the Market Service’s safe.

Further questioning of the barking mad Green, however, revealed that he sees no need to contact the police about this theft of our money and he instead seems to be intent on shooting the messenger – your caring, sharing BRISTOLIAN – and protecting the guilty.

Sir Gus’s outburst comes just two days after His Royal Georgeness claimed on the self-same Twitter that:

[There is] no evidence of fraud, and no funds unaccounted for. Please cease unsubstantiated insinuation #endofstory

What's a £283k overspend to a millionaire mayor? Fergo weighs in on the markets accounts chaos

What’s a £283k overspend to a millionaire mayor? Fergo weighs in on the markets accounts chaos

Well, no need for ‘unsubstantiated insinuation’ any more, George. Your gopher’s publicly admitted a load of money’s been nicked from a council safe.

Now, what are you going to do about it?


Further evidence of George’s complete departure from reality emerged at a meeting held at Shitty Hall for businesses concerned about his RESIDENT PARKING ZONE plans.

“Where do you expect my staff to park?” asked one Gloucester Road trader.

George – a man who clocks up an average of 1,000 air miles per ‘work-related’ trip in his job as Mayor – responded by BREEZILY suggesting that people should live nearer their work as “that’s what a sustainable city is.”

Good idea George. Shop workers can just buy a three bedroom house in St Andrew’s.

They’re a snip at only £450k a pop.