Warm greetings to most of my flock. Although it’s not terribly warm here compared to Florida, where I’ve been reflecting for a month on the many troubling affairs of the day through the medium of hard prayer. All thanks to the hospitality of my spiritual mentor, the Pastor Righteous Loon, at his well-appointed beach-side mansion. Now I’m back and rearing to go. Let’s go find God and worship like it’s 1999!
Unfortunately I must start with a fond farewell. As many of you are aware, Mr Stephens from Birmingham has now completed his fantastic temporary stint as Parish Administrator and will be returning to live in disgrace in the Midlands a considerably wealthier man. Stephen’s work for our church has been exemplary – exchanging his generous salary demands for leadership in the blindingly obvious without quibble.
I’ve replaced him with our temporary bursar, Ms Klonowski from London. Ms Klownowski is hugely experienced, having worked in parishes in London as well as at St Wirrall-Cover-Up in the north. Many of you will know Ms Klonowski already. She has been working for us for over a year now so knows all about the parish finances and the appalling financial miscalculations of our former vicar, The Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson. After all, she helped him make some of them!
On my return from Florida, a number of you, no doubt encouraged by Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy, brought to my attention Planning Application no. 1T5/MAD/A5/SH1T recently lodged at the council’s offices. This is an amazing design for a sustainable commuter transport solution through the parish. The eagle-eyed among you – also no doubt encouraged by Ms Townsend – have noted this will involve an increase in the transport utility for the underused north west section of our brownfield graveyard resource.
Please rest assured, a procedurally correct consultation has been undertaken by the relevant authorities with the Parish Property Sub-Committee. A number of key parish leaders were also engaged during this thorough process and everyone has agreed this scheme has the potential to transform parish travel outcomes.
Parishioners claiming “I didn’t know about this” have clearly not been paying enough attention and didn’t attend the detailed public presentation on the evening of 28 December 2016 heavily promoted on Twitter and on the choir noticeboard at the back of the chancel. At this presentation, it was factually demonstrated by expert civil engineers from the Cash From Concrete Corp. that this transport solution will improve public transport and cycling routes to both St Marvin’s and to the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘Excellent’ St Snoot-the-Privileged School.
The reutilisation of a small section of underused graveyard resource and the Dave Spart Academy’s lower years’ football pitch is obviously regrettable. However, technical metrics indicate the benefits to the parish going forward are measurable and may outweigh any minor non-positives parishioners – heavily influenced by an anti-transport lobby disbursing alternative facts – have raised. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “In the beginning was the facts, and I got the facts, and the facts are what I say. Anything else is a fake news alternative fact. Praise be to God.”
Ms Klonowski from London has also confirmed the exchange-in-kind value of the church land is “not insignificant’ and could be treated as a material match-funding asset for the Church Media Fund as we face difficult financial choices together this year. I hope, then, that this is the end of this discussion and that this silly fake news on Facebook about a “highway through the cemetery” circulated by a small clique of anti-transport activists will now cease. Instead let’s mature the conversation to explore the serious details of this scheme like what colour street furniture we prefer and what safety measures we might require to mitigate vehicles occasionally travelling at up to 60 mph near two schools and a church?
As you know, in March our church will embark on a new round of vital savings. St Marvin’s Under-5s will therefore be closing at the end of the month as part of the first stage of our sensible efficiencies strategy developed by Ms Klonowski. The St Marvin’s Elders’ morning sessions will continue on Thursdays only; a small reduction of two days a week. Both childcare provision and elderly day care can still be accessed in the parish at competitive market rates through private sector providers and we will be conferring preferred provider status on selected corporate partners very soon.
Now let me give you the good news. I’m pleased to announce that the proposed Church Hall refurbishment will go ahead as planned. Ms Klonowski has restructured the Church Media Fund and new staging, seating and lighting for the delivery of high-end passion play productions to benefit all the parish will go ahead as I promised at my job interview last year. My assistant vicar, the Reverend Tinkerbell, has even been in preliminary talks with the Oh My God! cable TV company. A national and international profile for St Marvin’s passion productions is a potential reality I’m promised.
Finally, please note I will be a keynote speaker at the ‘Jesus Says No Exit By Hard Brexit’ event in the parish next week. It is God’s will that you all attend and take heed of the words of elitist moral truth from myself and the new ArchLib elect Stephen Williams. Why not bring along one of my ‘God’s will not the Donald’s wall’ placards and the kids?
God bless you all and the Holy EU Empire!
I trust you all had a joyous Christmas and were pleasantly not unpleased to celebrate the glory of the coming of our Lord? Perfectly represented by our hugely successful best value nativity experience. Who would not agree that this was not church spend well spent on key cultural thematics? And congratulations to St Snoot-the-Privileged School for producing what was, according to our local independent website – St Marvin’s 24/7(edited by Kevin Slocombe) – “a 5 star production”.
Now a new year is upon us. Not only a time to renew your stakeholder relationship with God but the time to address the deficit in the parish accounts. Mr Hughes from Birmingham, our parish administrator, will therefore be announcing a series of exciting efficiencies over the coming months. Many designed to support a necessary step change in the resilience of our faith.
I’m especially proud to announce the first of these efficiencies. As usual, during January I shall be flying out with my family for a month’s sabbatical of poolside prayer and reflection at my mentor, the Reverend Righteous Loon’s, Florida mansion. However, this year, we will close the church and hall for this period and parish stakeholders are invited to attend St Snoot-the-Privileged School’s Renaissance Chapel facility instead.
Our temporary home will be overseen by my assistant vicar, the Rev Tinkerbell who has a series of excellent sermons lined up on culture, media and the post-Jesus agenda and how this can save the poor and ignorant on a competitive market basis during times of austerity.
This temporary efficiency closure is a huge funding win-win for St Marvin’s. As Mr Launcelot from Rachman Estates and Development on the High Street has agreed to make use of the church and hall for the month in exchange for a market resilient rate payable to the St Marvin’s Miscellaneous Provisions (Property) Trust. Mr Launcelot intends to set up an all-through 24-hour one stop shop for migrant job seekers, which sounds like a very worthy and exciting project indeed.
Could parish stakeholders also please note that Mr Launcelot is undertaking some asbestos removal work from the church roof during this period and that, for your own safety, you should not visit or enter St Marvin’s without the correct health and safety authorisation from our Property Sub Committee. We don’t want to be personally liable for any appalling accidents or law suits do we? That’s what Mr Launcelot’s for!
Some of you have noticed that our new pay-as-you-go self service tea vending solution in the vestry is not currently in active mode. This is unfortunate but Mr Hughes assures me it will not significantly impact our projected savings estimate for the current Vernal Equinox timeframe. Especially, he says, if we factor in third quarter capital draw down benefits to the Church Creative Media Fund achieved by the church roof capital transformation pathfinder. I’m sure you’ll agree this is great news and a huge relief.
Mr Hughes tells me that our self-service tea vending partner, Agresso Refreshment World, have identified an unforeseen minor malfunction in a downstream software iteration as the best likely cause. Rest assured, we have already identified spend from the Parish Land Reserve Fund to procure a competitively costed consultant from London to framework the into revenue positive.
In the meantime I’d like to welcome Daisy May – a former pupil of the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘Adequate’ comprehensive school, the Dave Spart Academy – as interim apprentice tea lady. Daisy will be joining us from February on a new flexible nil time agreement arrangement. This not only benefits Daisy while she studies self-service catering on day-release at college but maintains any parish refreshment budget uplift within the recalibrated parish finance envelope. Another win-win.
Our former tea lady, 72 year old Mrs Smith, is unable to return – despite popular demand – as she is now enjoying a flexible retirement as a full time cleaner at the Dave Spart Academy. Those of you who have stupidly repeated Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy’s concerns to me that Daisy’s employment arrangements are exploitative and that Mrs Smith should never have been made redundant lack accurate context. Mr Hughes says the arrangements are reasonable and Ms Townsend is mistaken (as usual) while her continual dissent during Parish meetings is a silly and unwelcome distraction as we work to finesse our new biblical accounting practices.
As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon often has to remind recalcitant members of his congregation: “And those that would dissent should heed that we, the meek, the wealthy and the best who are the rightful keepers of the Lord’s flame, maintain a lock-up full of semi automatics purely for self defence purposes”.
Happy New Year and God bless.
Merry Christmas to all my lucky parishioners. Unfortunately I have one brief item of important parish business before I can talk up the highlights of my ground-breaking St Marvin’s Christmas programme.
There’s been a number of complaints regarding “congestion” in the car park on Wednesday evenings. A small causal factor may be BBC lorries leaving the church after a busy day filming for the fantastic Cbeebies ‘Churchtastic!’ internet show. These lorries are allegedly creating conflict with the large number of committed worshippers driving to evensong.
How is this a matter for complaint? It’s a cause for celebration! Not only are we a vibrant, modern film and media parish with a global internet reach but we are a church in fine spiritual health. This is about parents with children aged 8 – 11 celebrating our Lord in the medium of song and getting a positive attendance mark for their spiritual journey towards admission to St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy. So let’s complain less and celebrate more at St Marvin’s.
However, rest assured the best minds in the parish will be convening to look at this issue. Myself; the parish administrator Mr Hughes from Birmingham; our tremendous temporary bookkeeper Miss Klonowski; a young ‘future leader’ from St Snoot’s Academy; senior congregation member, Mrs Moneybags and the local BBC’s Assistant Executive Co-ordinator for Customer Relations (Theological, Religious and Small Domestic Pet Programming) will be meeting in the new year to initiate a best value solution to this new challenge.
Despite her incessant demands and near defamatory round-robin email, my Best Minds Congestion Leadership Group will not include Miss Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy. For starters, I noticed at least three grammatical errors in her email and ‘insouciant hypocrite’ isn’t spelt like that. Besides, Miss Townsend needs to focus on getting Dave Spart pupils some A*grades so they can get themselves a career in media or the creative industries and a life.
Those supporting Miss Townsend and causing a fuss over the makeup of my group would do well to remember the ‘Parable of the Local Authority Senior Manager and the Lollipop Lady’ as transcribed by my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon – “And lo! It came to pass that the wealthiest and connected were the best minds.”
Miss Townsend also may like to recall that at my interview I told her what I’m really about is great Christian soundbites that we can all get behind. Such as ‘providing opportunity for all so that no one’s left behind’. I’m therefore pleased to tell you about this year’s Christmas play.
Mr Hughes has identified £20,000 in the Parish Land Trust Fund available for a nativity play and competitively priced rehearsals are now underway at St Posh’s in their wonderful new ‘Merchant Slavers’ Drama Hall’. The rehearsals are being overseen by Oxford educated head of drama Mr Morris with the funny trousers. You may recall his series of well-received experimental organ recitals last year that only resulted in that one small unfortunate violent incident by the font.
Mr Morris assures me that his rehearsals with a hugely talented group of motivated, intelligent and creative St Posh boys are going very well indeed. I think we can expect a Christmas treat! And before Miss Townsend gets back on her high horse with its round robin email facility, let me assure you that pupils from the Dave Spart Academy will be given every opportunity to volunteer as stage hands and front of house staff for the production.
Providing opportunities to diverse young people through work-based experience to boost resilient outcomes in the skills marketplace is what we’re about. I now look forward to Miss Townsend piping down, becoming a team player and facilitating this super opportunity for the Dave Spart Academy.
Our incredible nativity experience will take place in the week before Christmas and tickets are on sale exclusively at St Snoot’s Merchant Slaver Ticket Hall at £10 each for non-affiliated adults and children. Those affiliated to St Snoot’s go free.
Our hugely popular Christmas Carol Service with the St Snoots Renaissance Orchestra and Choir takes place on 23 December from 7.00pm. Unfortunately this has already sold out. However, for those wishing to experience St Marvin’s exceptionally diverse vibrancy at Christmas, the Dave Spart Academy Community Choir will be performing in the graveyard behind the vestry for one hour prior to our landmark carolling event. Remember to dress for the freezing cold and leave quietly so as not to disturb those celebrating inside.
Finally, my candlelit vigil to mourn the twilight of the Americas will continue every Friday after prayers during advent. A positive attendance mark towards admission to St Snoot’s Academy will be awarded for attendance. I look forward to another large turnout and St Marvin’s showing the Donald we will not put up with this sort of thing. We will make America great for wealthy wishy-washy Christian liberals again!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Welcome to another newsletter. May God bless you all. Even those of you spreading wicked dissent around my parish regarding the touchstone car parking arrangements that myself and our talented Parish Administrator, Mr Hughes from Birmingham have implemented.
Let’s be clear. This initiative was only engaged after significant levels of consultation the Thursday before last with key congregational stakeholders at the over-70s coffee morning. I fail to understand how a small one pound donation to park your car to help drive forward Parish core competencies in these financially sub-optimal times and support our ongoing commitment to Mr Hughes’ substantial salary expectation, can be described as “pay to pray”.
This is a silly soundbite designed by stirrers, communists and anti-christian agitators in the parish – and beyond in Avonmouth – to undermine myself and Mr Hughes as we reengineer and modernise parish finance, administration and spiritual values in a challenging context. Perhaps I should remind the Jeremiahs out there of the words of my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon? “Abuse not those who raketh it in for Ye art in charge and know best”.
I also think it better if smart-arse soundbites (which “pay to pray” isn’t) are left to my brilliant new newsletter editor Mr Slocombe who, I think we can all agree, is doing a superb job on a salary even lower than Mr Hughes’s. Aren’t we truly blessed to have such a talent direct from the London Islington parish of St Jeremy-The-Hapless-Incompetent?
However, as the hefty holy door of opportunity revolves for my friend Mr Slocombe, so the godforsaken backdoor of early retirement creaks ajar for Mrs Smith, our valued (by some) tea lady. With the implementation of the pay-as-you-go self-service tea machine initiative in the vestry as part of Mr Hughes’ strategy of front loading back end efficiency savings in the parish, Mrs Smith has decided voluntarily to call it a day.
I’m sure you’ll all join me in wishing her well. I would especially like to thank her for her occasional hard work and efforts at professionalism and commitment during her time with St Marvin’s. And whatever you choose to do next Mrs Smith – even if that’s worshipping next door at St Theresa-of-the-May’s spreading malicious gossip about Mr Hughes from Birmingham sacking you – we send you our mixed blessings.
Now let’s end with a fantastic good news story. I’m pleased to confirm that the production team for the BBC’s hugely popular Cbeebies smash hit internet-only show, ‘Churchtastic!’ presented by the fabulous Amanda Trifle-Posh, will be filming every Wednesday here at St Marvin’s for another season. Rejoice the Good News! Not only will this earn St Marvin’s as much as £100 a week in potential fees and income, it will position St Marvin’s as an aspirational centre of media excellence within the diocese, which is just how we want to do modern Christianity.
Before we sign contracts with the BBC, however, we will have to initiate repairs to the church roof. Mr Hughes from Birmingham has already identified funds available on a spend-to-borrow-back early investment release basis from the Church Fabric Infrastructure Fund, which will now be known as Church Creative Media Fund to better align St Marvin’s objectives with a modern church agenda.
Mr Hughes says if we maintain a positive uplift in income for an extended period into the medium/long term envelope then we will be able to refacilitate an early off balance sheet liability release within a prudent opportunity window. The Parish Committee have looked very carefully at this finance arrangement and have agreed we should proceed immediately with repairs as there is no financial risk whatsoever based on what Mr Hughes says.
The BBC have also agreed to accept, every term, two exceptional A* students from the parish for production internships with ‘Churchtastic!’ Two exceptionally talented young men and future leaders from St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy are in post already. So come on Miss Townsend and the Dave Spart Academy. Isn’t it about time you pulled your fingers out and delivered some A* students and leaders that can take advantage of the first class opportunities offered by St Marvin’s?
That’s all for another month. Amen, hallelujah and farewell from St Marvin’s the progressive parish. See you on TV!
Finally – a warm welcome to all of my new flock! Even to those godless fools who made it clear you didn’t want me here. I know who you are!
(And I suggest you remember who’s signing those high-performing church school application forms now. Regardless of what I told Miss Townsend of the Dave Spart Academy School at my interview, they’ll be no free school meal tickets into the best school in my parish. All applications will be impartially judged by me on your material contribution to my parish)
To those of you unfortunate not to have met me yet and learned about my exceptional background in church hall strategy leadership in America and religious health innovation in various small village settings across the UK, an especially big hello.
But first let me mention our former vicar The Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson. Let’s pray together and bless him in his retirement. But let’s also put behind us his theologically misguided views regarding cycling to church first thing on a Sunday morning.
And, let me assure you, a full review of the Rev Ferguson’s car parking strategy is underway. If you need to drive your child ten minutes around the corner in a 4×4 to worship with me on a Sunday, then who am I to stand in the way of your imminent conversation with Our Lord by imposing silly restrictions on the use of our ample parking facilities?
To facilitate this I have already converted the Rev Loose Canon’s underused personal cycle parking into a convenient parking space for my new parish administrator, Mr Hughes from Birmingham’s, impressive limo.
Can I also request that the moaning regarding Mr Hughes from Birmingham’s competitive terms and conditions at the parish office now cease? As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious homophobe, Pastor Righteous Loon, told me last week when I flew in to visit him at his large mansion in New York State, “blessed are the high waged for they will profit themselves.”
Can I also remind you that any discussion of The Rev Loose Canon’s secretary, Mrs Yates’s small leaving stipend remains banned. I have received another rude letter from her solicitors Angry and Bastard on the High Street and feel we should all draw a line under this matter. We don’t want to be reading about ourselves in the newspapers do we?
However, please rest assured, as promised, I am still continuing to think about starting an independent review by my wife into last year’s church fete organised by Mrs Yates. While there’s no evidence of wrongdoing as such, let’s clear the air and find out more about the substantial donation from Parish funds to the Rev Ferguson’s daughter’s cupcake stall and creche facility and to the Bishop’s impressive private entertainment marquee.
Finally, please note, I am standing down the traditional Parish Church Committee immediately. It is out of date, inefficient and full of non-professionals who don’t really do parish leadership for the 21st Century. Instead I’ll be introducing a Parish Office to drive my business strategy forward.
Miss Klonowski, who’s worked successfully door-to-door across the parish for Cheap Loans-4-U has already agreed to join and deliver a 360-degree review of our targeted financial improvement objectives for a very competitive fee.
I’m hoping too we’ll be joined by Mr Dim, the Head at St RiggedSATs Primary and Prof Cash from the university who has lots of land sale experience. Dr Bent, our wonderful local GP will be joining too as soon as he returns to work having sorted out those silly and unnecessary whistleblowing allegations.
I appreciate none of these people attend church as such but they’re all very active in the community even if they don’t live here.
Obviously, in principle, I look forward to meeting you all soon but due to pressures on my time, can I ask that any personal appointments are booked through Mr Hughes via the Parish’s website, which will be active very soon. Just remember that just because I’m not here among you doesn’t mean that I’m not somewhere among someone probably far more important than you preaching God’s word and enhancing my brilliant career.