Category Archives: Yewmah

The funny stuff

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #14

Some of you may have heard that a number of lay members of our underperforming Parish Committee are complaining that their private posts on the St-Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent’s Facebook Group have been passed to Mr Walsh from Leeds, my interim Head of People Solutioning. Mr Walsh is an excellent appointment and his personal service company, Bootfill HR Solutions, is performing valuable work on agile process transformation for the parish at his competitive market rate.

It is therefore unfortunate if certain members of the Parish Committee have used private and confidential Facebook pages to describe the brilliant Mr Walsh as a “greedy Tory bastard” or “a useless cretin in a dreadful suit with all the intellect of a small hedgehog” or “that gross piece of incompetent right wing shit”.

Mr Walsh is now in possession of all this material – and more – and he is perfectly within his rights to take action against lay members of the Parish Committee who have clearly defamed his good name and expensive suits. If any lay members of the underperforming Parish Committee are not happy about any of this, then I suggest they take it up with St-Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent’s Parish Committee who, apparently, released the material to Mr Walsh. I should add there’s no point in going to the police about this because Mr McCourt from Kettering, who I keep on a retainer to provide expensive legal advice to Ms Daya, our Head of Canon Law, says this type of stolen material is not a concern for the police and you would be totally wasting their time.

Finally, while I am a member of the St-Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent’s Facebook Group myself, I would like to assure everyone I have no idea how Mr Walsh might have obtained this confidential material about lay members of the Parish Committee that I can’t stand the sight of and would like to see dismissed. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “a happy coincidence is the Lord working in mysterious ways”! And that’s my last comment on the matter. Good luck Mr Walsh!

March’s snow event was an opportunity to roll out our the parish’s business continuity plans with myself and Mr Slocombe acting as joint Gold Leaders. Aside from the church car park being an inaccessible ice rink for three days and the unfortunate incident where Mrs Oldfellow, one of our fine parish seniors, broke both her hips, our plans ran smoothly. The parish leadership team, currently led by Ms Jensen from Birmingham our Head of Virtue working as acting Head of Agile in accordance with Mr Slocombe’s excellent new parish leadership rota system, is calling on everyone to reflect on what we’ve learned and review and update business continuity plans accordingly.

What wonderful advice. I shall be reflecting hard and, maybe, we should all reflect a little more and be less rude about expert parish leaders going about making their business making a simple living don’t you think? Until next time, god bless most of you.

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #13

Lucky parishioners personally invited to the premiere of my thrilling biopic film, ‘The Reverend’s Ace: a shameless hagiography’, please note that the venue has been switched from the Church Hall due to a small completion delay in its transformation process. The film, by my German friend Ms Helga Goebbels, is an enthralling documentary about my incredible journey and features fascinating interviews with friends and family as well as focussing on my lovely new garden furniture from B&Q. See you there!

More good news, this time regarding the delayed pay-as-you-go self-service tea vending solution in the vestry. The original contract with our self-service tea vending solution partner, Agresso Refreshment World, has been formally off-tabled at a commercially confidential but highly competitive settlement rate. Now, the parish’s Interim Head of Agile, Ms Beardmore from Shropshire will initiate a smart procurement process to locate a new best value self-service tea vending solution partner.

Ms Beardmore wants an integrated solution in place by as soon as next January so that we can make efficiencies in tea delivery as soon as 2021. That is a small slippage of just four years in the delivery of this complex refreshments transformation project. Ms Beardmore also assures me that a step change in biscuit provision may be walked down the decision pathway going forward.

I have now tasked Ms Beardmore with investigating further efficiencies that prioritise elasticity in our budget envelope as it is further stretched by the Diocese’s austerity plans. One proposal is to reimagine the underused parish library, where weird old religious books gather dust, as a drive-thru communion facility for an increasing number of parishioners with less time for traditional worship but with salaries that might be better reflected in the collection plate. Ms Beardmore, with her superb customer services background, also proposes installing a 24-hour self-serve telephone communion service facility with a fully integrated credit card payment option.

Both initiatives are ideal for parents seeking an easy-pay, time efficient journey for their child into the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘excellent’ St Snoot’s Academy. We have already procured a team of digital enablement consultants from London to work up a joined-up feasibility working paper and we will embark on an innovative consultation exercise to review this exciting transformation plan soon. I shall update on this agile worship programme as it progresses.

On budget, on time and on target, the church toilets are now permanently closed. Those needing toilet facilities should try the High Street where we are inviting businesses to express an interest in providing free toilet facilities for St Marvin’s worshippers

Finally, please note that places remain available on my flagship leadership programme exclusively for dull middle managers and accountants with no personality. Spaces are limited, so get in touch quickly if you wish to join the likes of Ms Beardmore and myself as inspirational parish leaders. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon always tells me, “promote the dull, stupid and insipid for they will always do as they’re told.”

Farewell and adieu.

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #11

Greetings at this very special time of year. “A good time to bury bad news” as our Parish communications professional Mr Slocombe always reminds me over a glass of dry sherry in the rectory as we blue sky our Christmas ‘grid’ for the co-production of seasonal excellence in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Although, please note, any mention of my own father and his colourful past remains banned and will not be tolerated as Mr Slocombe detailed in the comprehensive legal threat delivered to the entire congregation last week along with my Christmas card.

This year’s Christmas action points are as packed as ever and have been branded by Mr Slocombe as ‘Tough Christmas times, High New Year hopes’. Especially relevant due to the soft launch of our almost partially transformed Church Hall. I’m assured by our independent development consultants from London, the Jerry Bilt Associates, that the hall will enter completion phase “sometime next year” and that a temporary tarpaulin roof in the meantime is first class solutioning even if there is a small upper-percentile risk of freezing draught at times.

Please do not be put off attending St Marvin’s Christmas events including our transgender light operatic passion musical “Oh Christ!” and, again, this year St Snoots Academy Renaissance Orchestra and Choir’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ quality Christmas carol production. Although please note tickets are limited, as this year we are being joined by various finance partners, the Chamber of Commerce, the Rotary Club and the local United Grand Lodge of Freemasons. If you’re lucky enough to get in – don’t forget your woollies!

I’m led toward an understanding that the Dave Spart Academy Community Choir are performing at the Cathedral in a seasonal Songs of Praise this year. It’s partially noteworthy that our local OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ comprehensive has been identified as a seasonal token gesture by the BBC. Although it’s unfortunate I shan’t be able to attend as core parish leaders and I have a prior engagement in London at the Jerry Bilt Associate’s annual Christmas black tie dinner and dance at the Soho Club. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “And lo, it will come to pass that a toot of blow at Christmas does no one any harm.”

This year’s Christmas Charity Appeal is for the Cheney family. You may know Mr Cheney as he’s one of the morons who make up the numbers on the Parish Committee that I haven’t fired yet. Unfortunately without your help, due to the unpreventable evil of Tory austerity, his eleven children will be sleeping under a small bush in the churchyard this Christmas. With only an old soaking wet Peppa Pig blanket for warmth and a bowl of porridge to share for Christmas dinner, their plight is truly desperate. We must especially pray that poor Tiny Tim Cheney even makes it to Christmas. Please give generously.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Vicar

ST MARVIN’S UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #10

This month I need to address hyperbolic descriptions of mythical failure that are circulating around my church regarding the so-say “chaos” in our parish administration. These rumours are spread by silly elements on the Parish Committee led by Ms Townsend and other troublemakers from the Dave Spart Academy – a weedy OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ institution – that now need to end.

I’m sure the quiet and sensible majority of you appreciate that myself and my exceptionally talented PR advisor, Mr Slocombe, have taken firm and decisive action since the tragic resignation of our parish administrator, Ms Klonowski from London who had to urgently run away and look after her parents.

As I explained after my sermon on the joy and wonder of corporate social responsibility last Sunday, I have appointed, on a competitive day rate, Miss Beardmore from Shropshire as interim Head of Parish Service to meet certain ecclesiastical duties and key functions. This role should not, however, be mistaken for a Parish Administrator, which is a different role entirely. This seems perfectly clear and unchaotic to me.

Miss Beardmore has bags of experience having worked tirelessly here at St Marvin’s to reduce our utility bills, which have only increased by £10,000 over the last year. Before this she oversaw business operations for the Bishop of Shropshire, until, sadly, these were wound up earlier this year after the rather unfortunate news regarding the Bishop and the conduct of some of his Diocese’s financial affairs.

Miss Beardmore from Shropshire will be assisted by Miss McGeachie from Peterborough, a new member of the Parish Committee who I have appointed to streamline the Parish Committee’s leadership structure. It’s our shared vision to create a parish where everyone will simply shut up and let me get on with it. Miss Beardmore is also vastly experienced and has helped bust unions at Tescos as well as working at St Crapitas, Barnet and with big important corporations with lots of money like Lendlease at Haringay’s St Selloff’s.

Indeed, so keen are Miss Beardmore and Miss McGeachie to preserve resources and save the parish money here at St Marvin’s they have kindly opted out of our PAYE system and all of that expensive employment administration nonsense. Instead, they will simply bill us through their personal private limited companies.

What fantastic commitment to the parish this demonstrates, as well a keen understanding of the tax advantages available to high-earners. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “those that are tax efficient at work are seen as efficient in the eyes of God.”

The truth – rather than the hyperbolic description – is that St Marvin’s now has an enormously capable and talented leadership team in place. Myself, Mr Slocombe, Miss Beardmore and Miss McGeachie are made of the right stuff and our parish can only go forwards not backwards. I therefore politely suggest that those in the parish harking hyperbolically backwards and not energetically forwards get back to their failing school and start going forward. There’s no reverse gear in this church!

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #9

Welcome back my glorious flock! I hope you are refreshed and ready to leave memories of that remarkably good value Slovenian holiday behind? Now is the time to worship and pray alongside me once more and make the religious and financial sacrifice that will get you nearer to Christ and your children into the parish’s high performing, OFSTED rated ‘Outstanding’ school, St Snoot-the-Privileged.

I was extraordinarily busy over the summer, even foregoing my annual pilgrimage to my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon’s biblical summer yachting school. This year, taking place in an upmarket resort in Connecticut. Maybe I will get out to the US next year for the pastor’s Southern Californian spring surf and pray retreat? As the pastor says, “he that journeys regularly on expenses to pay homage to Jesus Christ the Saviour has one foot on the stairway to heaven.”

Although, alas, all that glitters isn’t gold at St Marvin’s at present. You may have already heard the terrible news that our fantastic Parish Administrator, Ms Klonowski from London, has tendered her resignation for “family reasons”. Apparently, she needs to look after her sick and elderly parents who none of us even realised existed until last week! Can I also take this opportunity to put an end to any ridiculous rumours that Ms Klonowski’s resignation has something to do with that silly class action, launched by some bitter former members of the Parish Committee, alleging serious harassment by Ms Klonowski? It does not.

After very careful consideration, myself and my public relations assistant, Mr Slocombe, have decided not to replace Ms Klonowski as such. Although, rest assured, that the improvement journey Ms Klonowski has embarked St Marvin’s upon with her brilliant, if grammatically complex, ‘Sensible Efficiencies Strategy’ will continue with myself and Mr Slocombe assuming many of the duties of the Parish Administrator.

Finally, some good news: the Church Hall reimprovement works funded through our Church Media Fund are on target for completion once average capital development slippage deviation is given consideration. We are currently studying final costs but believe it falls within a redrafted budget envelope after some revenue income rephasing work is constituted within the renewed capital uplift pipeline.

I’m therefore excited that the first production in our fabulous new hall will be at Christmas when we’ll be presenting the Regional Arts Council Funded Elite Theatre Group with the Hampstead Players’ “Oh Christ!”, described by the Guardian as “the finest atheist, transgender light operatic passion musical this year”! What a fantastic treat! Especially as thanks to tough negotiations with the Elite Theatre Group we will be able to offer tickets at just £40 each or at £150 for a family of four. Tickets will be available soon.

However, please note tickets will not be available for the gala performance on 23 December, which will be attended by myself, the Mayor, the Bishop and a very special guest – the mayor of Panevėžys – Lithuania’s fifth largest city! Obviously some of our principal parishioners and financial supporters can expect to be there and others – such as Ms Townsend and her motley crew from the parish’s other school, the Dave Spart Academy – cannot. Further details and invitations for this amazing event, sponsored by Global Tax and Finance Inc. World Mayors’ Travel the World Project, will be made available soon.

This production will bring some light relief and entertainment to St Marvin’s after our various trials over this year. On that positive note, I bid you farewell. My hopes and prayers, as always, are with the deserving.