Category Archives: Yewmah

The funny stuff

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #13

Lucky parishioners personally invited to the premiere of my thrilling biopic film, ‘The Reverend’s Ace: a shameless hagiography’, please note that the venue has been switched from the Church Hall due to a small completion delay in its transformation process. The film, by my German friend Ms Helga Goebbels, is an enthralling documentary about my incredible journey and features fascinating interviews with friends and family as well as focussing on my lovely new garden furniture from B&Q. See you there!

More good news, this time regarding the delayed pay-as-you-go self-service tea vending solution in the vestry. The original contract with our self-service tea vending solution partner, Agresso Refreshment World, has been formally off-tabled at a commercially confidential but highly competitive settlement rate. Now, the parish’s Interim Head of Agile, Ms Beardmore from Shropshire will initiate a smart procurement process to locate a new best value self-service tea vending solution partner.

Ms Beardmore wants an integrated solution in place by as soon as next January so that we can make efficiencies in tea delivery as soon as 2021. That is a small slippage of just four years in the delivery of this complex refreshments transformation project. Ms Beardmore also assures me that a step change in biscuit provision may be walked down the decision pathway going forward.

I have now tasked Ms Beardmore with investigating further efficiencies that prioritise elasticity in our budget envelope as it is further stretched by the Diocese’s austerity plans. One proposal is to reimagine the underused parish library, where weird old religious books gather dust, as a drive-thru communion facility for an increasing number of parishioners with less time for traditional worship but with salaries that might be better reflected in the collection plate. Ms Beardmore, with her superb customer services background, also proposes installing a 24-hour self-serve telephone communion service facility with a fully integrated credit card payment option.

Both initiatives are ideal for parents seeking an easy-pay, time efficient journey for their child into the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘excellent’ St Snoot’s Academy. We have already procured a team of digital enablement consultants from London to work up a joined-up feasibility working paper and we will embark on an innovative consultation exercise to review this exciting transformation plan soon. I shall update on this agile worship programme as it progresses.

On budget, on time and on target, the church toilets are now permanently closed. Those needing toilet facilities should try the High Street where we are inviting businesses to express an interest in providing free toilet facilities for St Marvin’s worshippers

Finally, please note that places remain available on my flagship leadership programme exclusively for dull middle managers and accountants with no personality. Spaces are limited, so get in touch quickly if you wish to join the likes of Ms Beardmore and myself as inspirational parish leaders. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon always tells me, “promote the dull, stupid and insipid for they will always do as they’re told.”

Farewell and adieu.

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #11

Greetings at this very special time of year. “A good time to bury bad news” as our Parish communications professional Mr Slocombe always reminds me over a glass of dry sherry in the rectory as we blue sky our Christmas ‘grid’ for the co-production of seasonal excellence in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Although, please note, any mention of my own father and his colourful past remains banned and will not be tolerated as Mr Slocombe detailed in the comprehensive legal threat delivered to the entire congregation last week along with my Christmas card.

This year’s Christmas action points are as packed as ever and have been branded by Mr Slocombe as ‘Tough Christmas times, High New Year hopes’. Especially relevant due to the soft launch of our almost partially transformed Church Hall. I’m assured by our independent development consultants from London, the Jerry Bilt Associates, that the hall will enter completion phase “sometime next year” and that a temporary tarpaulin roof in the meantime is first class solutioning even if there is a small upper-percentile risk of freezing draught at times.

Please do not be put off attending St Marvin’s Christmas events including our transgender light operatic passion musical “Oh Christ!” and, again, this year St Snoots Academy Renaissance Orchestra and Choir’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ quality Christmas carol production. Although please note tickets are limited, as this year we are being joined by various finance partners, the Chamber of Commerce, the Rotary Club and the local United Grand Lodge of Freemasons. If you’re lucky enough to get in – don’t forget your woollies!

I’m led toward an understanding that the Dave Spart Academy Community Choir are performing at the Cathedral in a seasonal Songs of Praise this year. It’s partially noteworthy that our local OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ comprehensive has been identified as a seasonal token gesture by the BBC. Although it’s unfortunate I shan’t be able to attend as core parish leaders and I have a prior engagement in London at the Jerry Bilt Associate’s annual Christmas black tie dinner and dance at the Soho Club. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “And lo, it will come to pass that a toot of blow at Christmas does no one any harm.”

This year’s Christmas Charity Appeal is for the Cheney family. You may know Mr Cheney as he’s one of the morons who make up the numbers on the Parish Committee that I haven’t fired yet. Unfortunately without your help, due to the unpreventable evil of Tory austerity, his eleven children will be sleeping under a small bush in the churchyard this Christmas. With only an old soaking wet Peppa Pig blanket for warmth and a bowl of porridge to share for Christmas dinner, their plight is truly desperate. We must especially pray that poor Tiny Tim Cheney even makes it to Christmas. Please give generously.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Vicar

ST MARVIN’S UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #10

This month I need to address hyperbolic descriptions of mythical failure that are circulating around my church regarding the so-say “chaos” in our parish administration. These rumours are spread by silly elements on the Parish Committee led by Ms Townsend and other troublemakers from the Dave Spart Academy – a weedy OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ institution – that now need to end.

I’m sure the quiet and sensible majority of you appreciate that myself and my exceptionally talented PR advisor, Mr Slocombe, have taken firm and decisive action since the tragic resignation of our parish administrator, Ms Klonowski from London who had to urgently run away and look after her parents.

As I explained after my sermon on the joy and wonder of corporate social responsibility last Sunday, I have appointed, on a competitive day rate, Miss Beardmore from Shropshire as interim Head of Parish Service to meet certain ecclesiastical duties and key functions. This role should not, however, be mistaken for a Parish Administrator, which is a different role entirely. This seems perfectly clear and unchaotic to me.

Miss Beardmore has bags of experience having worked tirelessly here at St Marvin’s to reduce our utility bills, which have only increased by £10,000 over the last year. Before this she oversaw business operations for the Bishop of Shropshire, until, sadly, these were wound up earlier this year after the rather unfortunate news regarding the Bishop and the conduct of some of his Diocese’s financial affairs.

Miss Beardmore from Shropshire will be assisted by Miss McGeachie from Peterborough, a new member of the Parish Committee who I have appointed to streamline the Parish Committee’s leadership structure. It’s our shared vision to create a parish where everyone will simply shut up and let me get on with it. Miss Beardmore is also vastly experienced and has helped bust unions at Tescos as well as working at St Crapitas, Barnet and with big important corporations with lots of money like Lendlease at Haringay’s St Selloff’s.

Indeed, so keen are Miss Beardmore and Miss McGeachie to preserve resources and save the parish money here at St Marvin’s they have kindly opted out of our PAYE system and all of that expensive employment administration nonsense. Instead, they will simply bill us through their personal private limited companies.

What fantastic commitment to the parish this demonstrates, as well a keen understanding of the tax advantages available to high-earners. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “those that are tax efficient at work are seen as efficient in the eyes of God.”

The truth – rather than the hyperbolic description – is that St Marvin’s now has an enormously capable and talented leadership team in place. Myself, Mr Slocombe, Miss Beardmore and Miss McGeachie are made of the right stuff and our parish can only go forwards not backwards. I therefore politely suggest that those in the parish harking hyperbolically backwards and not energetically forwards get back to their failing school and start going forward. There’s no reverse gear in this church!

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #9

Welcome back my glorious flock! I hope you are refreshed and ready to leave memories of that remarkably good value Slovenian holiday behind? Now is the time to worship and pray alongside me once more and make the religious and financial sacrifice that will get you nearer to Christ and your children into the parish’s high performing, OFSTED rated ‘Outstanding’ school, St Snoot-the-Privileged.

I was extraordinarily busy over the summer, even foregoing my annual pilgrimage to my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon’s biblical summer yachting school. This year, taking place in an upmarket resort in Connecticut. Maybe I will get out to the US next year for the pastor’s Southern Californian spring surf and pray retreat? As the pastor says, “he that journeys regularly on expenses to pay homage to Jesus Christ the Saviour has one foot on the stairway to heaven.”

Although, alas, all that glitters isn’t gold at St Marvin’s at present. You may have already heard the terrible news that our fantastic Parish Administrator, Ms Klonowski from London, has tendered her resignation for “family reasons”. Apparently, she needs to look after her sick and elderly parents who none of us even realised existed until last week! Can I also take this opportunity to put an end to any ridiculous rumours that Ms Klonowski’s resignation has something to do with that silly class action, launched by some bitter former members of the Parish Committee, alleging serious harassment by Ms Klonowski? It does not.

After very careful consideration, myself and my public relations assistant, Mr Slocombe, have decided not to replace Ms Klonowski as such. Although, rest assured, that the improvement journey Ms Klonowski has embarked St Marvin’s upon with her brilliant, if grammatically complex, ‘Sensible Efficiencies Strategy’ will continue with myself and Mr Slocombe assuming many of the duties of the Parish Administrator.

Finally, some good news: the Church Hall reimprovement works funded through our Church Media Fund are on target for completion once average capital development slippage deviation is given consideration. We are currently studying final costs but believe it falls within a redrafted budget envelope after some revenue income rephasing work is constituted within the renewed capital uplift pipeline.

I’m therefore excited that the first production in our fabulous new hall will be at Christmas when we’ll be presenting the Regional Arts Council Funded Elite Theatre Group with the Hampstead Players’ “Oh Christ!”, described by the Guardian as “the finest atheist, transgender light operatic passion musical this year”! What a fantastic treat! Especially as thanks to tough negotiations with the Elite Theatre Group we will be able to offer tickets at just £40 each or at £150 for a family of four. Tickets will be available soon.

However, please note tickets will not be available for the gala performance on 23 December, which will be attended by myself, the Mayor, the Bishop and a very special guest – the mayor of Panevėžys – Lithuania’s fifth largest city! Obviously some of our principal parishioners and financial supporters can expect to be there and others – such as Ms Townsend and her motley crew from the parish’s other school, the Dave Spart Academy – cannot. Further details and invitations for this amazing event, sponsored by Global Tax and Finance Inc. World Mayors’ Travel the World Project, will be made available soon.

This production will bring some light relief and entertainment to St Marvin’s after our various trials over this year. On that positive note, I bid you farewell. My hopes and prayers, as always, are with the deserving.

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #5

Warm greetings to most of my flock. Although it’s not terribly warm here compared to Florida, where I’ve been reflecting for a month on the many troubling affairs of the day through the medium of hard prayer. All thanks to the hospitality of my spiritual mentor, the Pastor Righteous Loon, at his well-appointed beach-side mansion. Now I’m back and rearing to go. Let’s go find God and worship like it’s 1999!

Unfortunately I must start with a fond farewell. As many of you are aware, Mr Stephens from Birmingham has now completed his fantastic temporary stint as Parish Administrator and will be returning to live in disgrace in the Midlands a considerably wealthier man. Stephen’s work for our church has been exemplary – exchanging his generous salary demands for leadership in the blindingly obvious without quibble.

I’ve replaced him with our temporary bursar, Ms Klonowski from London. Ms Klownowski is hugely experienced, having worked in parishes in London as well as at St Wirrall-Cover-Up in the north. Many of you will know Ms Klonowski already. She has been working for us for over a year now so knows all about the parish finances and the appalling financial miscalculations of our former vicar, The Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson. After all, she helped him make some of them!

On my return from Florida, a number of you, no doubt encouraged by Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy, brought to my attention Planning Application no. 1T5/MAD/A5/SH1T recently lodged at the council’s offices. This is an amazing design for a sustainable commuter transport solution through the parish. The eagle-eyed among you – also no doubt encouraged by Ms Townsend – have noted this will involve an increase in the transport utility for the underused north west section of our brownfield graveyard resource.

Please rest assured, a procedurally correct consultation has been undertaken by the relevant authorities with the Parish Property Sub-Committee. A number of key parish leaders were also engaged during this thorough process and everyone has agreed this scheme has the potential to transform parish travel outcomes.

Parishioners claiming “I didn’t know about this” have clearly not been paying enough attention and didn’t attend the detailed public presentation on the evening of 28 December 2016 heavily promoted on Twitter and on the choir noticeboard at the back of the chancel. At this presentation, it was factually demonstrated by expert civil engineers from the Cash From Concrete Corp. that this transport solution will improve public transport and cycling routes to both St Marvin’s and to the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘Excellent’ St Snoot-the-Privileged School.

The reutilisation of a small section of underused graveyard resource and the Dave Spart Academy’s lower years’ football pitch is obviously regrettable. However, technical metrics indicate the benefits to the parish going forward are measurable and may outweigh any minor non-positives parishioners – heavily influenced by an anti-transport lobby disbursing alternative facts – have raised.  As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “In the beginning was the facts, and I got the facts, and the facts are what I say. Anything else is a fake news alternative fact. Praise be to God.”

Ms Klonowski from London has also confirmed the exchange-in-kind value of the church land is “not insignificant’ and could be treated as a material match-funding asset for the Church Media Fund as we face difficult financial choices together this year. I hope, then, that this is the end of this discussion and that this silly fake news on Facebook about a “highway through the cemetery”  circulated by a small clique of anti-transport activists will now cease. Instead let’s mature the conversation to explore the serious details of this scheme like what colour street furniture we prefer and what safety measures we might require to mitigate vehicles occasionally travelling at up to 60 mph near two schools and a church?

As you know, in March our church will embark on a new round of vital savings. St Marvin’s Under-5s will therefore be closing at the end of the month as part of the first stage of our sensible efficiencies strategy developed by Ms Klonowski. The St Marvin’s Elders’ morning sessions will continue on Thursdays only; a small reduction of two days a week. Both childcare provision and elderly day care can still be accessed in the parish at competitive market rates through private sector providers and we will be conferring preferred provider status on selected corporate partners very soon.

Now let me give you the good news. I’m pleased to announce that the proposed Church Hall refurbishment will go ahead as planned. Ms Klonowski has restructured the Church Media Fund and new staging, seating and lighting for the delivery of high-end passion play productions to benefit all the parish will go ahead as I promised at my job interview last year. My assistant vicar, the Reverend Tinkerbell, has even been in preliminary talks with the Oh My God! cable TV company. A national and international profile for St Marvin’s passion productions is a potential reality I’m promised.

Finally, please note I will be a keynote speaker at the ‘Jesus Says No Exit By Hard Brexit’ event in the parish next week. It is God’s will that you all attend and take heed of the words of elitist moral truth from myself and the new ArchLib elect Stephen Williams. Why not bring along one of my ‘God’s will not the Donald’s wall’ placards and the kids?

God bless you all and the Holy EU Empire!

The Vicar

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #4

I trust you all had a joyous Christmas and were pleasantly not unpleased to celebrate the glory of the coming of our Lord? Perfectly represented by our hugely successful best value nativity experience. Who would not agree that this was not church spend well spent on key cultural thematics? And congratulations to St Snoot-the-Privileged School for producing what was, according to our local independent website – St Marvin’s 24/7(edited by Kevin Slocombe) – “a 5 star production”.

Now a new year is upon us. Not only a time to renew your stakeholder relationship with God but the time to address the deficit in the parish accounts. Mr Hughes from Birmingham, our parish administrator, will therefore be announcing a series of exciting efficiencies over the coming months. Many designed to support a necessary step change in the resilience of our faith.

I’m especially proud to announce the first of these efficiencies. As usual, during January I shall be flying out with my family for a month’s sabbatical of poolside prayer and reflection at my mentor, the Reverend Righteous Loon’s, Florida mansion. However, this year, we will close the church and hall for this period and parish stakeholders are invited to attend St Snoot-the-Privileged School’s Renaissance Chapel facility instead.

Our temporary home will be overseen by my assistant vicar, the Rev Tinkerbell who has a series of excellent sermons lined up on culture, media and the post-Jesus agenda and how this can save the poor and ignorant on a competitive market basis during times of austerity.

This temporary efficiency closure is a huge funding win-win for St Marvin’s. As Mr Launcelot from Rachman Estates and Development on the High Street has agreed to make use of the church and hall for the month in exchange for a market resilient rate payable to the St Marvin’s Miscellaneous Provisions (Property) Trust. Mr Launcelot intends to set up an all-through 24-hour one stop shop for migrant job seekers, which sounds like a very worthy and exciting project indeed.

Could parish stakeholders also please note that Mr Launcelot is undertaking some asbestos removal work from the church roof during this period and that, for your own safety, you should not visit or enter St Marvin’s without the correct health and safety authorisation from our Property Sub Committee. We don’t want to be personally liable for any appalling accidents or law suits do we? That’s what Mr Launcelot’s for!

Some of you have noticed that our new pay-as-you-go self service tea vending solution in the vestry is not currently in active mode. This is unfortunate but Mr Hughes assures me it will not significantly impact our projected savings estimate for the current Vernal Equinox timeframe. Especially, he says, if we factor in third quarter capital draw down benefits to the Church Creative Media Fund achieved by the church roof capital transformation pathfinder. I’m sure you’ll agree this is great news and a huge relief.

Mr Hughes tells me that our self-service tea vending partner, Agresso Refreshment World, have identified an unforeseen minor malfunction in a downstream software iteration as the best likely cause. Rest assured, we have already identified spend from the Parish Land Reserve Fund to procure a competitively costed consultant from London to framework the into revenue positive.

In the meantime I’d like to welcome Daisy May – a former pupil of the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘Adequate’ comprehensive school, the Dave Spart Academy – as interim apprentice tea lady. Daisy will be joining us from February on a new flexible nil time agreement arrangement. This not only benefits Daisy while she studies self-service catering on day-release at college but maintains any parish refreshment budget uplift within the recalibrated parish finance envelope. Another win-win.

Our former tea lady, 72 year old Mrs Smith, is unable to return – despite popular demand – as she is now enjoying a flexible retirement as a full time cleaner at the Dave Spart Academy. Those of you who have stupidly repeated Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy’s concerns to me that Daisy’s employment arrangements are exploitative and that Mrs Smith should never have been made redundant lack accurate context. Mr Hughes says the arrangements are reasonable and Ms Townsend is mistaken (as usual) while her continual dissent during Parish meetings is a silly and unwelcome distraction as we work to finesse our new biblical accounting practices.

As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon often has to remind recalcitant members of his congregation: “And those that would dissent should heed that we, the meek, the wealthy and the best who are the rightful keepers of the Lord’s flame, maintain a lock-up full of semi automatics purely for self defence purposes”.

Happy New Year and God bless.