Category Archives: News

Juicy tales of corruption and stupidity from across Bristol

THE GAME’S AFOOT

Offensive to muslims according to non-muslim equalities enthusiast

Labour’s candidate for Metro Mayor, Lesley “Person” Mansell is going to provide us with lots of ENTERTAINMENT. Not least because this ridiculous Equalities and Diversity Manager for the NHS appears to have learned the cut and thrust of power politics on the mean streets of the Mendips as Chair of Radstock Town Council.

This council, some may recall, made the news in 2013 when they effectively put a CIVIC BAN on the flag of St George after Labour councillor and lifelong non-Muslim Eleanor Jackson announced at a meeting that the flag “is offensive to some Muslims”, apparently because of its links to the crusades. Personsell’s council then decided not to purchase a flag to fly on St George’s Day!

Once their decision made the national news with the Muslim Council of Britain condemning Personsell’s council for TALKING BOLLOCKS, Personsell was reversing the PC ferret at the double with an epic non-denial denial to the press.

She explained that her council’s discussions that day were “mainly about purchasing [a Union flag] to fly for Armistice Day” and agreeing to purchase a rainbow flag – the symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender pride movement – to fly at “appropriate” times of the year.

Contrary to what silly old fools like self-syled DIVERSITY EXPERT Personsell and her bonkers Labour countryside colleagues think we all think, the Muslim Council of Britain says, “St George needs to take his rightful place as a national symbol of inclusivity rather than a symbol of hatred.”

As Shakespeare probably wouldn’t put it: “Follow your spirit, and upon this charge, Cry “vote for Mansell as Metro Mayor even if I am totally fucking dopey'”.

BEST CU*T OF ALL

Leading the hapless local Labour Party charge against our universally acclaimed ‘BEST CUT OF ALL’ cover last month was the Chair of the Bristol Labour Party, Kommandant Eileen “Meanie” Means.

Days after publication, Kommandant Meanie staggered on to social media and especially Twitter – home of the middle class MORALISING twat – to condemn the cover. “It’s racist,” blurted the fool. “An axe in anyone’s head is evil,” wittered the wally.

“It’s against all decency,” whined the buffoon; “I’m not giving in to arrogant thugs,” blasted the banshee, accompanying her RANTING AND RAVING with meaningless hashtags – #notinmycity, #notinmyname, #notupmybum, #notinmymouth, #notbeforetea (we might have made some of those up, ed).

Then the coup de grace – revealing the startlingly limited content of Meanie’s mind – the nutjob compared our cover to the MURDER of Jo Cox MP last year! That’s right. There’s a direct moral equivalence between publishing a cartoon and murdering someone.

Were ISIS right all along about Charlie Hebdo? Did those piss-taking French bastards have it coming? According to the Bristol Labour Party, yes!

Kommandant Meanie even echoed into her tedious social media void of 700 long-suffering followers that “decent people speak out and don’t let it pass”. Indeed they do, which is why in 2015 The BRISTOLIAN ‘spoke out’ and revealed that Meanie was a piece of public sector middle management BULLYING shite who’s been removed from social work management posts across the UK for conduct reasons.

Quite what qualifies this revolting specimen to lecture anyone on “evil” and “decency” and call others “thugs” having been thrown out of her workplace for bullying workers is anyone’s guess.

It also says a lot about “Nice guy” Reverend Rees that his local party boss is a notorious bully …

Are you in the Labour Party? Have you been bullied by Eileen Means? Don’t get mad – get even! Contact The BRISTOLIAN.

‘GET THEM OUT BY THE END OF THE WEEK’: MARVIN’S MODERN SLAVERY SCANDAL

Bob Baber: highly paid to instigate a modern slavery scandal at Bristol City Council

A now bubbling-over MODERN SLAVERY scandal at the Bristol City Council property Brentry EPH run by ‘Blood’ Meridian Drivers Ltd in a (non-contractual?) sub-let with old friends Property Guardian Company CAMELOT, is currently primed to explode in our ‘zero tolerance for modern slavery’ vicar’s face.

The BRISTOLIAN has learned that 33 migrant bus-drivers and cleaners were recently served with a ONE WEEK illegal eviction notice by their employer/landlord Meridian Drivers. Presumably Meridian feared an INVESTIGATION by Avon & Somerset into the EMPLOYMENT PRACTICES at Brentry, initiated by a report to the MODERN SLAVERY HELPLINE?

This panicked attempt at eviction was stopped in its tracks by prompt action by a few workers/residents, who questioned the validity of the threat and reported it to council officials.

Contracts for work and accommodation at Brentry EPH are conspicuous by their ABSENCE. The workers (mostly for First Bus) are fleeced £85 per week CASH-IN-HAND for a room by gang master ‘Dirty’ Dave Doyle, who then splits the (tax-free?) lucre between Scamalot and Meridian. Visitors to the Brentry complex report an atmosphere of fear and intimidation on the premises, most especially when Dirty Dave makes an appearance.

In the midst of a conversation with one visitor where a worker/resident was complaining that ‘you under Camelot are being fucked.. but WE ARE BEING DOUBLE-FUCKED HERE’, Dirty Dave swaggered in and shouted ‘You shut up – I’ll DEAL WITH YOU later’.

And what are Bristol City Council, Saint Marvin and housing Tsar, Paul “Wolfie” Smith, doing about these outrageous practices on their own property? SWEET FUCK ALL apparently, unless one is to believe a quote from Dirty Dave himself, who claims that the order to quickly evict everyone before the law descended on Brentry came from the council’s Principal Portfolio Management Officer CHRIS WOODS

Woods was acting on the direct instructions of Bristol City Council’s highly paid property consultant BOB ‘BENT’ BABER of Bob Baber Associates who appears to have cut the Camelot deals for the council in the first place. Woods – once instructed by Bent Baber – then happily delivered the immortal words ‘GET THEM OUT BY THE END OF THE WEEK!’ to Dirty Dave.

 Meridian Drivers boss PAUL WATSON can be found on LinkedIn if anyone wants to ask him about the modern slavery RACKET he is running with Camelot at Bristol City Council’s Brentry EPH.

INTERNATIONAL CUTS WATCH

Bristol City Council seems to be avoiding cuts in some areas. Please step forward the Reverend Mayor, Marvin Rees, who’s decided there should be NO CUTS at all in his personal office; his new chief executive’s office or to his senior leadership team. Areas that have all chronically UNDERPERFORMED over the last five years and cost us a lot of money.

Not that the Reverend gives a shit about saving money when it comes to himself, his self-regarding PUBLICLY FUNDED international lifestyle or his personal office team of EGO PAMPERERS on the rates.

Back on November 30 the Reverend SUSPENDED non-essential spending at the council for ordinary staff delivering services. By Tuesday 6 December he was touching down in China, pretending he was on some sort sales mission.

What the fuck was he selling them? CREAKING, underfunded local public services? SUBSIDISED film studio facilities in Hengrove ideal for overblown costume drama? CHEAP tickets for dodgy middle class comedians at the Colston Hall? The USELESS services of the shittest Internal Audit team the world has ever known?

If a pointless ‘trade mission’ to China by a SMALL and FAILING municipal body led by a pompous, preening figurehead isn’t non-essential, what the fuck is?

CAPITULATING COUNCILLOR WATCH

The Man of Steel: not to be pissed off?

The planning committee meeting last month where the proposed Chocolate Factory development in Greenbank with SOD ALL affordable housing was considered (again) provided excellent opportunities for ridiculous GRANDSTANDING from useless councillors prior to their complete capitulation.

Wallflower Labour councillor Steve “MAN OF STEEL” Pearce was among them. In January this tedious old fart announced on his blog, “I love sitting on Licensing committee” (sic).

The same blog also demanded that book deliveries to Bristol libraries “should be made via the Freight Consolidation Centre so that we can reduce the number of vehicle movements around the city”. So no surprise when he voted in February’s budget meeting to, er, CLOSE the freight consolidation centre!

So cometh the crucial planning meeting, cometh the man and the big fella didn’t fail to disappoint. Announcing to the audience that greedy developers ignoring affordable housing obligations “are starting to PISS ME OFF, and that you don’t want to piss me off”.

Really? Why not? Who on earth would be bothered about pissing off this FATUOUS LITTLE PRICK?

Naturally his committee went on to vote IN FAVOUR of the development!

LABOUR TIP MONEY INTO ENERGY BLACK HOLE

Our favourite proposed Bristol City Council budget amendment came courtesy of Tory councillor, Graham Morris “Minor”. “Reduce investment in Energy Company,” by £250k he cooed and use the money to “resolve the perennial flooding problem of Scotland Lane.”

The road in Brislington has been closed for months and Morris claims that there’s a “£30k cost to the Council of closing, cleaning and reopening this important transport route” every time it floods. So far, so Tory. But it was council finance officers’ response to this that was the real eye-opener. “It is not clear how this would affect the company,” they explained.

Excuse me? We’ve invested millions in an energy reselling company – Bristol Energy – and nobody at the council has the foggiest idea what affect this money has had? Apparently not a problem for the Bristol Labour Group who still voted Minor’s amendment down.

Better money’s tipped into a murky black hole for PR purposes than solving an actual problem in the city then?

PARK RAVING MAD

A nice little earner?

The Reverend Rees has kickstarted his amazing masterplan to CUT ALL FUNDING to Bristol’s parks and get them to somehow generate their own income with the help of local volunteers and the underemployed fairies at the bottom of his garden.

On 24 February the Rev’s Strategic Imbecile for Neighbourhoods, Alison “Three Jobs” Comley, presented a report to councillors – Parks and Green Spaces – moving towards cost neutral – about this parks finance CONJURING TRICK.

A brief glance at the report reveals that £130k a year council boss Comley and her hapless minion, £90k a year Service Director, Gemma “Ctrl-v” Dando have simply COPY AND PASTED sections of a recently published House of Commons Select Committee Report on parks into their own report and told councillors to read it and call it ‘scrutiny’

The parks privatisation pair also helpfully recommended that councillors take a look at 2006’s Paying for Parks by the Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment, a Blairite Quango put out of its misery in 2011. The paper contains lots of ideas for New Labour politicians on how our parks can be PRIVATISED and MONETISED.

However, Three Jobs and Ctrl-v themselves are tight-lipped about how they will replace the £5 million budget they intend to cut for the Labour Party and how exactly our parks might achieve this deranged “cost neutral” FANTASY FUNDING MODEL by 2020.

Another parks fiasco is about to unfold. Watch this space …

RUNNING ON EMPTY?

Why’s there a rolling item on the council’s Resources Scrutiny Commission agenda action sheet that never gets resolved? It’s a request from the committee for the “revised business case for Park View” and it’s been OUTSTANDING now for months.

Park View is, of course, the council’s large suite of offices at Hengrove that’s surplus to requirements since the council decided to base all their operations at the Counts Louse and the Temple of Doom TWO YEARS AGO to save money. Staff who have recently visited the Park View, offices, capable of holding thousands, tell us, “the place is DESERTED. There’s barely 100 people working there.”

What’s going on then? Perhaps it’s time the property boss directly responsible, our old friend Robert “Spunkface” Orrett, explained what he’s doing and why we’re forking out for an empty office block?

Come on Spunkface show us yer Park View business case! (And feel free to include a resignation letter with it).

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #5

Warm greetings to most of my flock. Although it’s not terribly warm here compared to Florida, where I’ve been reflecting for a month on the many troubling affairs of the day through the medium of hard prayer. All thanks to the hospitality of my spiritual mentor, the Pastor Righteous Loon, at his well-appointed beach-side mansion. Now I’m back and rearing to go. Let’s go find God and worship like it’s 1999!

Unfortunately I must start with a fond farewell. As many of you are aware, Mr Stephens from Birmingham has now completed his fantastic temporary stint as Parish Administrator and will be returning to live in disgrace in the Midlands a considerably wealthier man. Stephen’s work for our church has been exemplary – exchanging his generous salary demands for leadership in the blindingly obvious without quibble.

I’ve replaced him with our temporary bursar, Ms Klonowski from London. Ms Klownowski is hugely experienced, having worked in parishes in London as well as at St Wirrall-Cover-Up in the north. Many of you will know Ms Klonowski already. She has been working for us for over a year now so knows all about the parish finances and the appalling financial miscalculations of our former vicar, The Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson. After all, she helped him make some of them!

On my return from Florida, a number of you, no doubt encouraged by Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy, brought to my attention Planning Application no. 1T5/MAD/A5/SH1T recently lodged at the council’s offices. This is an amazing design for a sustainable commuter transport solution through the parish. The eagle-eyed among you – also no doubt encouraged by Ms Townsend – have noted this will involve an increase in the transport utility for the underused north west section of our brownfield graveyard resource.

Please rest assured, a procedurally correct consultation has been undertaken by the relevant authorities with the Parish Property Sub-Committee. A number of key parish leaders were also engaged during this thorough process and everyone has agreed this scheme has the potential to transform parish travel outcomes.

Parishioners claiming “I didn’t know about this” have clearly not been paying enough attention and didn’t attend the detailed public presentation on the evening of 28 December 2016 heavily promoted on Twitter and on the choir noticeboard at the back of the chancel. At this presentation, it was factually demonstrated by expert civil engineers from the Cash From Concrete Corp. that this transport solution will improve public transport and cycling routes to both St Marvin’s and to the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘Excellent’ St Snoot-the-Privileged School.

The reutilisation of a small section of underused graveyard resource and the Dave Spart Academy’s lower years’ football pitch is obviously regrettable. However, technical metrics indicate the benefits to the parish going forward are measurable and may outweigh any minor non-positives parishioners – heavily influenced by an anti-transport lobby disbursing alternative facts – have raised.  As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “In the beginning was the facts, and I got the facts, and the facts are what I say. Anything else is a fake news alternative fact. Praise be to God.”

Ms Klonowski from London has also confirmed the exchange-in-kind value of the church land is “not insignificant’ and could be treated as a material match-funding asset for the Church Media Fund as we face difficult financial choices together this year. I hope, then, that this is the end of this discussion and that this silly fake news on Facebook about a “highway through the cemetery”  circulated by a small clique of anti-transport activists will now cease. Instead let’s mature the conversation to explore the serious details of this scheme like what colour street furniture we prefer and what safety measures we might require to mitigate vehicles occasionally travelling at up to 60 mph near two schools and a church?

As you know, in March our church will embark on a new round of vital savings. St Marvin’s Under-5s will therefore be closing at the end of the month as part of the first stage of our sensible efficiencies strategy developed by Ms Klonowski. The St Marvin’s Elders’ morning sessions will continue on Thursdays only; a small reduction of two days a week. Both childcare provision and elderly day care can still be accessed in the parish at competitive market rates through private sector providers and we will be conferring preferred provider status on selected corporate partners very soon.

Now let me give you the good news. I’m pleased to announce that the proposed Church Hall refurbishment will go ahead as planned. Ms Klonowski has restructured the Church Media Fund and new staging, seating and lighting for the delivery of high-end passion play productions to benefit all the parish will go ahead as I promised at my job interview last year. My assistant vicar, the Reverend Tinkerbell, has even been in preliminary talks with the Oh My God! cable TV company. A national and international profile for St Marvin’s passion productions is a potential reality I’m promised.

Finally, please note I will be a keynote speaker at the ‘Jesus Says No Exit By Hard Brexit’ event in the parish next week. It is God’s will that you all attend and take heed of the words of elitist moral truth from myself and the new ArchLib elect Stephen Williams. Why not bring along one of my ‘God’s will not the Donald’s wall’ placards and the kids?

God bless you all and the Holy EU Empire!

The Vicar

THE REVEREND REVEREND REES?

The Reverend Rees is to become, er, the Reverend Rees. The BRISTOLIAN can exclusively reveal that Bristol mayor Marvin Rees is currently studying divinity part-time with a view to becoming an ordained Church of England priest at the end of his tenure as elected mayor of Bristol.

The Reverend is currently studying divinity with the Cambridge Theological Federation on a three year part time course. Prior to this, we’re told, Marvin held “lengthy and complex discussions” with Mike Hill, the Bishop of Bristol, “exploring his faith and how he could best serve God and the people of Bristol going forward”.

It’s well known that Marvin tries to only work four days a week for “work life balance” reasons, allegedly to spend time with his young family. However sources tell us that this is actually time set aside for his serious religious studies. He has also been studying during evenings and weekends.

Our source says that when Marvin finishes as mayor he will be seeking a parish in inner city Bristol to serve. Easton has been mentioned, as has the higher profile St Mary Redcliffe – adjacent to the high performing secondary school …