Category Archives: News

Juicy tales of corruption and stupidity from across Bristol

FORWARD THINKING?

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Shocked councillors

Who’s this irate councillor looking concerned in the pages of the Nazi Post? Step forward Paul “Wolfie” Smith, Labour’s cabinet housing supremo. He’s “SHOCKED” and has “LAUNCHED A BLISTERING ATTACK” on the University Hospitals Trust Bristol, who run the BRI, for leaving 20 of their 36 flats on Eugene Street empty “WHILE PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING IN THE STREETS”.

The homes are currently empty as the hospital was refused planning permission for A MULTI-STOREY CAR PARK on the site by the council in March and are now appealing against the decision. However what the fuming councillor isn’t telling us is that the homes in question were sold for A FAST BUCK to the hospital by the council in 2008 for, er, “REDEVELOPMENT PURPOSES“.

And who on Earth was running the council in 2008 selling off our council homes? Step forward our dear old friends in the angry and irate LABOUR PARTY. Then under the clueless leadership of one of Wolfie’s old colleagues Peter “HOPELESS” Hammond and his deputy – one of Wolfie’s current colleagues – prize-winning councillor HRH HELEN OF HOLLAND.

What goes around …

ARUP PLANNING TAKEOVER

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More news drifts in regarding the slow but inexorable OUTSOURCING of the whole of the city’s planning system and its oversight to private firm Arup.

We already know that Arup have been, for some time, supplying agency staff to the council’s planning department to specialise in ‘MAJOR PROJECTS’. Then came the news that Arup were involved in developing the Reverend’s options for his ‘Western Harbour’ plans at the Cumberland Basin.

So it should come as little surprise to learn that Arup were also involved in drawing up BRISTOL’S LOCAL PLAN. Specifically, the private firm were responsible for SITE ALLOCATIONS and POLICY DEVELOPMENT for this detailed development blueprint for the city that WILL MAKE LOTS OF PRIVATE INTERESTS LOTS OF MONEY.

When will we get the chance to vote on a manifesto promising to hand our city’s planning system over to multi-national companies looking to make a profit?

LOCAL INNOVATION NEWS

LOCAL INNOVATION NEWS

We’re pleased to exclusively unveil the city’s latest HIGH TECH INNOVATION, especially for the international export market, from “the changemakers” – our amazing city leaders and exciting local business innovators. A round of applause, please for the AVONMOUTH INVISI-BALE!

It’s incredible! A bale of refuse derived fuel (RDF) which is clearly THERE and VISIBLE to the majority of humans, animals and insects but is, somehow, TOTALLY INVISIBLE to the Invisi-bale’s owners, large government agencies, councils, regulators, the press and politicians. How do they do it? And get away with it?

Who cares? Because the Avonmouth Invisi-bale lets large corporate waste companies get away with UNLAWFULLY storing huge amounts of POLLUTING RDF outside their premises. An innovative approach that allows the companies to make BIGGER PROFITS at a cost to local PEOPLE’S HEALTH AND WELL-BEING.

“It’s a win-win,” the Reverend Rees told us, “the Invisi-bale is the latest exciting NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY in Bristol entirely at the expense of Avonmouth residents. I am proud of Bristol’s growing global recognition for innovation and our record in developing a THRIVING ENVIRONMENTALLY SUSTAINABLE ECONOMY that can make big money for important high net worth individuals. Blessed are the changemakers”

The Mayor for the Merchant Venturers and the Port of Bristol, Tory Bowels, has personally applauded the Reverend for his creativity and innovation. He told us, “the Avonmouth Invisi-bale is great way to fuck over the plebs and make a shit load of money for my wealthy Tory friends. Hurrah!”

ELECTED FOOLS BELIEVE INVENTED RULES

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The DISDAIN and DISREGARD that the Reverend Rees and his council boss friends hold for our elected councillors and the public was on full display when the Reverend decided to REFUSE to answer public questions at a Full Council Meeting because some of them may have proved HIGHLY EMBARRASSING.

 The Reverend’s senior managers went to work for the mayor convincing councillors and our idiot Lord Mayor Jos “Halfwit” Clark that ‘rules’ PREVENTED the Mayor answering public questions during a general election. Councillors eagerly accepted this ‘advice’ from their expert officers, apparently oblivious to the fact NOTHING in national nor local election guidelines prevents either mayors or council leaders answering public questions at meetings during an election.

 To add insult to injury, at this very same council meeting where council officers were busily INVENTING RULES on behalf of their coward mayor, councillors were asked to consider an updated ‘Member – Officer Protocol’. A document outlining how councillors and council officers needed to treat each other with ‘RESPECT‘! Might this reasonably include the expectation that council officers tell councillors the truth about election rules?

 However, the real kick in the teeth came the next day when council officers used the council’s official Twitter account to PUBLISH A PHOTO OF THE REVEREND and his cabinet sidekick, Anna Keen, promoting some crap mayoral initiative in Southmead in direct contravention of, er, ELECTION GUIDELINES TO COUNCIL OFFICERS. These simple guidelines state, “councils should ‘not publish any material which, in whole or in part, appears to be designed to affect public support for a political party’”.

 How could council officers possibly not think a photo of two senior members of the Labour Party PROMOTING their initiative in the middle of a general election would not appear designed to affect public support for Labour?

The officers involved are bent and biased

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #25

Encouraged by Ms Townsend and the usual suspects from parish’s OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart Academy, a small unrepresentative minority of the congregation, sacrilegiously opposed to free market innovation, sensible change and inclusive growth, are behind another silly whispering campaign from the pews.

They are opposing our shared congregational vision, in partnership with expert corporate developers and consultants from London, for competitively-priced chipboard homes and a cleaner air new road on the surplus scrubland of church-owned St Marvin’s Meadows. This is an innovative transformational future proofing project vital to our shared ‘One Parish Vision’, championed by my good friend and shadow Parish Committee member, Mr Sweetland, ably assisted by the good Christians of consulting firm  Arup on a highly competitive day rate.

This project will challenge the climate emergency, address the parish’s housing crisis and provide homes for decent Christian parishioners able to financially support our growing church and exploit fair admissions at St Snoot’s Academy, the parish’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ high performing religious secondary school. As my mentor the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “crisis and emergency are the Lord’s way to improve the bank balances of the worthy.”

The campaign opposing this, meanwhile, is promoting a number of JFK-style conspiracy theories. For example, we all already know that St Marvin’s Meadows is a flood plain but this will not be a problem according to Mr Molton, our parish’s regeneration services professional kept on a generous retainer to ignore problems such as this. Indeed, as Mr Molton very cleverly pointed out at one of our closed meetings in London with our secret investor team, “Floods never did Noah any harm.”

Campaigners’ complaints that moving the St Marvin’s bypass out of open countryside, better suited to inclusive climate emergency residential homes with sensational countryside views, and closer to St Marvin’s Meadows and nearby council housing are similarly without merit. As are complaints that this is in any way a “done deal”. Our friends at Arup and our secret investors have simply supplied us with an objective factual appraisal that is inarguably correct and the only sensible way forward if we want to solve parish’s housing crisis and stand down the climate from its emergency status.

However in order to better demonstrate this, I am setting up an objective and independent panel of myself, Mr Molton, Mr Sweetland, Parishioner Mr Savage – who you all know for running unsuccessfully for election to the parish committee on 58 separate occasions – and Parish Committee Chairman, Mr Jackson. Together we will independently appraise the option and confirm it is going ahead in everybody’s best interests. This should spell the end of any further noise on this matter from the back pews.

The Vicar

TOENAIL TRUST TROUSERS OUR KIDS’ CASH

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Which local Academy Trust is charging its schools at least EIGHT PER CENT of their core income for “central services” – one of the highest figures in the country? Step forward the VENTURERS TRUST, the hopelessly underperforming education wing of the Society of Wealthy Old White Men (Surely Merchant Venturers? Ed.)

Last year the greedy COLSTON TOENAIL WORSHIPPERS charged their eight schools eight per cent of their general annual grant (GAG) – the funding each academy gets from the Department for Education. These charges are for ‘BUSINESS SERVICES’ such as human resources, financial services, legal services, educational support services, property services and, of course, “PR AND COMMUNICATIONS”. The kind of lucrative work, incidentally, that the toenail trustees and their wealthy mates specialise in!

However, while charging our schools and children TOP WHACK FOR MARGINAL CRAP, the Toenail Trust has been struggling on a number of fronts. In OFSTED terms, THREE of its schools are currently rated as INADEQUATE and another “REQUIRES IMPROVEMENT”. Meanwhile, the chair of the Trust, Anthony Browne, DISAPPEARED over the summer following an expensive spot of LEGAL BOTHER. Although the precise cost of this little escapade is yet to be revealed.

We do, however, know that the trust’s EIGHT SCHOOLS were charged £1.53M FOR CENTRAL SERVICES in 2017-18 and this was about nine per cent of the £17 million received from the general annual grant that year. Oddly, the previous year, the schools had been charged less than HALF THIS AMOUNT, a comparatively small £633,000. Where did all this extra public cash collected by WEALTHY TRUSTEES WITH LAVISH LIFESTYLES go in this age of austerity?

The same accounts also show that the Toenail Trust’s chief executive, HILARY MACAULEY, personally trousered £145-£150,000. Just under £150,000, which the Department for Education has said should only go to leaders for “EXCEPTIONAL” performance.

A highly unlikely outcome at the Toenail Trust.

PONCEY EURO ELITIST APPOINTED TO STEAL LOCAL PEOPLE’S WORK

PONCEY EURO ELITIST APPOINTED TO STEAL LOCAL PEOPLE'S WORK

After years of members of the public working hard at grassroots organisations like COUNTER COLSTON and the BRISTOL RADICAL HISTORY GROUP, the thieving old white men who run the University of Bristol have finally woke(n) up and appointed a PROFESSOR OF THE HISTORY OF SLAVERY. They will “examine Bristol’s connection to the transatlantic slave trade”. Work that has already, largely, BEEN DONE by our city’s grassroots historians anyway.

The university old boys have hired Sorbonne-educated hack, Olivette Otele, with a press fanfare that has somehow eluded less prestigious local historians tackling the same subject without THE ELITE EDUCATION, the ‘DIVERSE’ BACKGROUND and a PROFESSIONAL PR DEPARTMENT talking them up.

Anyway, won’t it be interesting to see whether Olivette, who lists “memorialisation of the past” as an interest, publicly demands the IMMEDIATE REMOVAL of Colston’s statue from the Centre?  Or will she piss arse about ‘NUANCING‘ in the elite-style, making CRAP EXCUSES and rambling on about ‘corrective plaques’ and the like?

Watch this space.

NAZI POST FUHRER’S SNOWFLAKE SHAME

NAZI POST FUHRER'S SNOWFLAKE SHAME

In a bizarre outburst of WHITE LIBERAL GUILT, Nazi Post editor and reformed tinpot Tory, Mike “News Bunny” Norton, has apologised to his readers for publishing a large front page photo of the Reverend Rees that didn’t depict the glorious leader in a pose that his supporters felt made him LOOK IMPORTANT ENOUGH!

A highly enthusiastic front page splash with the headline “I’LL PAVE THE WAY FOR THE FUTURE” appeared the day after the Reverend’s UNDERPOWERED ‘State of the City’ speech last month. A speech widely received in the city – outside the pages of News Bunny’s DELUDED PUBLICATION – as yet another wholesale departure from lived reality by the Reverend and his team of clueless acolytes.

However, News Bunny’s cheerleading splash didn’t reflect THE VANITY OF THE REVEREND or his efforts to create a cult of personality in the way the city’s woke race relations industry now demand. One of them, Tracie Joliffe, an obscure NHS middle manager, BLASTED News Bunny on Twitter, “Was it a deliberate strategy to portray an image of the Mayor @MarvinJRees like a criminal mug shot?”

 The nutty complaint was then taken up by Sandra Gordon from the Reverend’s official Commission for Racial Equality talking shop. She THUNDERED, “the picture of Marvin published does not portray our city leader in a pose that reflects this article – he was delivering a critically important speech to a packed audience in the imposing Wills Memorial Building.”

News Bunny immediately switched to PANIC MODE over this harmless front page close-up pic of the Reverend –  which looked nothing like a “criminal mugshot” – even comparing it to the notorious ‘FACES OF EVIL’ Nazi Post front page of 1997, and published a FAWNING APOLOGY to bemused readers.

“It was not appropriate,” wailed the city’s latest ESTABLISHMENT SNOWFLAKE, “It didn’t give Bristol Post’s readership the right message about Marvin’s position in the city and about the importance of his role or of this address.”

Indeed not. The right message would require a photo of Rees with his head up his arse.

FULL FARCE BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL

FULL FARCE BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL

by CITIZENS ROBESPIERRE & MURAT ably assisted by Dr J.I Guillotin

November’s Full Council meeting saw an outbreak of ‘MARIE ANTOINETTE SYNDROME’ among entitled councillors in official foppery pitted against a SEETHING MASS of unwashed sans-culottes in the public gallery. Controversy began when Lord Mayor Jos Clark decided (without historical precedence in Bristol or nationally) to SUSPEND PUBLIC QUESTIONS to the Mayor due to “lack of time, because of the national election”.

The Lord Mayor had informed public questioners by email that they could NOT ASK QUESTIONS in the Council Chamber and that the Mayor would not offer any verbal answers. Instead, questioners would receive a written response within 10 working days. The BRISTOLIAN, analysed these questions and – lo and behold – many were POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING to the Reverend Rees. Raising issues such as the gentrification of Cumberland Basin, jobs for Marvin’s evangelical pals and the contra-BCC policy of hiring trade unionist BLACKLISTING CONSTRUCTION FIRMS.

Chaos reigned in the public gallery as, first, questioners were told that THEY COULDN’T SPEAK OR GET ANSWERS. Then they were told that, maybe, they COULD ASK QUESTIONS BUT NOT RECEIVE ANSWERS and then, finally, they were told that the original ruling would stand. Breathless council flunkies dashed around the chamber with leaflets and ‘clarifications’ as each modification was made up on the spur in council back offices. Adding to the confusion, it also turned out that some questioners were unaware of this ARBITRARY DECISION until they arrived.

Next, onlookers in the public gallery were confronted by BRISTOL’S COUNCILLORS SWANNING IN to pose in Hawaiian shirts for a photographer. Why was this? It was supposed to be a tribute to Hawaiian shirt fan Cllr Mike Langley, who had recently died. Shirt-clad councillors posed with arms around each other before going off to their benches and delivering 40 MINUTES OF SPEECHES in memoriam to their deceased colleague.

Those who knew Mike – A GENUINE SOCIALIST – were confronted with the unedifying spectacle of Tory, Blairite Labour, Lib Dem and the rest competing to see who could deliver the most NAUSEOUS HYPOCRISY while shedding CROCODILE TEARS as most of them had hated Mike. One councillor even announced … ‘In the words of Mike Langley, Vive la Revolution!’ The whole SORRY SPECTACLE resembled one of French Queen Marie Antoinette’s ‘soirees’ where she and her courtiers would dress up to play peasant shepherds and shepherdesses while real peasants starved outside the gates.

After their PRIVATE FANCY DRESS PARTY, the public presence in the gallery was finally acknowledged by the Versailles Court and farce descended into ABSURDITY. When ‘no-question’ time was announced, ONE PLUCKY PROLE stood up and asked why procedure had changed from what was in the council constitution?

Lord Mayor Clark tried to shut down this unseemly interruption to her travesty in motion while security goons twitched in anticipation on the gallery stairwell. Their services were unnecessary, however, as the prole sat down after shouting – to thunderous applause from angry sans-culottes in the gallery – ‘YOU’RE A DISGRACE – YOU SHOULD RESIGN!

Rumours of scythes and pitchforks being sharpened in Bristol’s outlying suburbs cannot be confirmed.

REVEREND REES’S PIECES

REVEREND’S ROOST TRIGGERS COUNTS LOUSE SHRED-A-THON

A well-placed source tells us that it’s slowly dawning on the boss class at the Counts Louse that the Reverend Rees has NO HOPE OF WINNING THE MAYORAL ELECTION next May and will not be serving another term as they had anticipated. This, we learn, has resulted in some especially long queues at Counts Louse shredding facilities as “NO ONE WANTS TO END UP IN COURT”.

What have the Reverend, his PR bag man “Slo” Kev Slocombe and their dubious corporate property man “Head Boy” Molton been up to for the last few years then? Are the Reverend’s chickens en route to their roost? Will it require ANOTHER REPORT from STEVE BUNDRED to get to the bottom of all this?

Maybe someone at the Counts Louse should give Steve a call now?

PRIME IDIOT

“I WANT TO BE PRIME MINISTER,” announced the Reverend Rees to some unfortunate young people who somehow got trapped in a room and forced to listen to our Mayor’s meaningless jargon-riddled drivel at the LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE last month.

What a great idea from the Reverend. Apart from the limited intellect, the thin skin, the lack of character, an Inability to lead, the hopelessly poor judgement, the crap Thatcherite politics, the corporate free market obsession and the dodgy gang of right wing evangelical mates he’s promoted, WHAT’S TO STOP THE REVEREND GETTING ELECTED TO RUN THE COUNTRY?

Surely even the Labour Party isn’t that dumb?