Category Archives: The BRISTOLIAN Says

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YELLOW VEST LAUNCHES RACIST/SEXIST ATTACK ON DEPUTY-MAYOR SOCK

By Lucy Balderdash, recently reassigned to the BBC (stop press)

Following on from the (alleged, ed.) persecution of Bristol Mayor Marvin Rees last weekend by a group of ‘disgusting anarchists’ and covered by The Guardian, the BBC can reveal that his deputy Asher Craig’s socks (are you sure? ed.) were brutally attacked by a yellow vest left on a wall outside the upstanding citizen’s home.

Bristol Deputy Mayor Asher Craig takes up the story: “I came out of my home on the very same morning as Marvin was savagely told to dye wool,” she explained breathlessly, “to find my socks engaged in a fight to the death with a racist/sexist yellow vest that had been lying on my wall in wait for me to come outside.”

“Luckily my socks got there first and overpowered the terrorist garment before I set foot outside. I hope my socks get an OBE for their bravery – one of them sustained severe dye damage and has some pulled threads that it sustained in the battle (so was this a sox-attack? ed.).”

The police are currently investigating links to the ‘Bob The Builder’ cartoon character, and any sexist/racist thought crimes regarding Asher Craig that he may have (are you quite sure Bob is a he, Lucy? ‘He’ may identify as a woman, ed.).

Owners of this white supremacist cartoon character in toy or video format are advised to come forward and surrender it to New Bridewell police station for immediate interrogation, or face the consequences.

(Err, could this story not arise out of a Grauniadesque typo in the headline, Lucy? ed.)

BRISTOL HIPSTER MAKES MAYOR GAFF-ITTI ERROR

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By Lucy Balderdash reporting for The Guardian

The city of Bristol was in shock last weekend after Bristol Mayor, The Reverend Marvin Rees, discovered the shocking words MARVIN MUST *censored* written on the road in front of his house. But in a dramatic new development yesterday, the CID arrested Bristol ‘artisan dyer’ Marmafluke Twatt for what appears to be a small business self-publicity stunt gone horribly wrong.

The Very Rev. Rees and his trusty curate Asher Craig were quick to point the blame at ‘a small group’ of ‘disgusting anarchists’ occupying The Bearpit roundabout in the city centre and providing help for Bristol’s legions of homeless, accusing these heartless ragamuffins of making a ‘sickening racist attack’ on The Mayor.

“It’s another attack on me,” said The Reverend from the safety of his office, accompanied by a (cost unknown) outsourced violinist in the corner. “Just like what happened in Poland! Yet another hate crime against my good name, committed by those domestic extremists of BHAM and The Bristolian”.

When asked why he thought the attack might be racist, the defensive mayor-priest responded, ‘Well… it’s obvious! I’m black… er, aren’t I?’ At this, The Reverend looked to his deputy for confirmation, who quickly nodded in agreement. ‘And they’re white,’ she added with emphasis.

PUBLICITY RUNT

However, after exhausting their hit-list of disgusting anarchists to no avail, the CID got a tip-off that led them to an artisan clothier’s workshop in Snowflake Crescent, Montpelier, where the suspect quickly confessed. It turned out that the Reverend Rees had been the target of a poorly-conceived publicity drive by ‘artisan clothier’ Marmafluke Twatt of Dyeing 2 Please U plc, who hoped to get The Mayor’s attention and a subsidy from his overflowing slush fund for ‘Bristol Arts and Crafts’.

‘It was all a terrible mistake,’ said a manicure-bearded and tearful Twatt from his police cell yesterday. ‘I hit on this innovative, daring idea to promote myself and hired a spray paint can-armed prole from Hartcliffe at the minimum wage, but sadly didn’t believe him when he told me he was dyslexic and couldn’t spell the word “Dye”. Hence he painted an eye after MARVIN MUST and the letter D, and this dreadful misunderstanding all stems from there. I’ve never ever been a racist, please believe me, and I’m innocent!’

‘No toleration will be tolerated in multi-cultural Bristol for disgusting anarchist hate-rape-crime-trolls against minorities or radicalised anti-Semitic domestic extremist narco-gang people-trafficker economic migrant members in collusion with far-right racist, xenophobic, sexist, anti… (cont. p. 96),’ commented Asher Craig afterwards from the Mayoral pulpit.

Comrade Joe Stalin was unavailable for comment.

BRISTOLIAN BENEFIT – SAVE YOUR LOCAL RANTING FREESHEET!

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EN HONNEUR DES GILETS JAUNES

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from our Paris Correspondent

The BRISTOLIAN supports and celebrates the people’s movement in France called the “Gilets jaunes”, the yellow vests.

This movement started as a response to President Macron imposing a fuel tax, supposedly to cut CO2 emissions. The working class correctly saw this as an attempt to pass a cost to them rather than to wealthy corporate polluters. Many people live in rural areas in France and use their cars to commute. Already they are spending a significant amount on just getting to work.

Here lies the real issue: falling living standards, rising cost of living and working long hours to pay the bills and then having nothing to show for it. Your kids are going without, local services are closing and prices are rising while the political and economic elite carry on filling their boots. Sound familiar?

Let’s not kid ourselves; the French political system is in turmoil. The French right, with the face of Marine Le Pen, has grown in the last two elections and some blame migrants. However, during the disturbances there has been footage of right wingers being beaten off the streets by the gilets jaunes. The crowd are clear about who their enemy is and what to attack.

Banners called for a cull of the bourgeoisie as the cops were run from the Arc De Triomphe. Protestors were on the Champs Elyses turning over Porsches. They were running amok down the Boulevard Haussmann. A bit like Bristolians attacking Clifton Village and Park Street and, of course, Shitty Hall.

Macron, at the beginning, treated the protestors with contempt. The first major protests were on November 17 but you did not read that in the British press. Now, nearly the whole country is affected.

As the movement grew there were videos of ambulance drivers blocking roads, firefighters walking off parade in contempt at their managers and, even, the old bill on one Paris street taking off their helmets. Showing that they would not fight the people.

Macron and the elite got nervous after major riots in Paris in early December and offered to meet with a delegation. But who to meet? This had truly come from the people. There was no political party or trade union involvement and there were no leaders.

A “delegation” was eventually warned that they did not speak for the whole and, instead, Macron was forced to announce that the government would suspend the fuel tax. “Not enough,” replied the Gilet Jaunes, “it’s the whole fucking system that’s the problem”.

Similar movements are building in Holland and Belgium. Spain and Greece have been in dispute with their people for months. People have had enough of being lied to, robbed, polluted, poisoned and worked to death while living in perpetual debt.

Meanwhile, the elite are avoiding tax, pocketing mega profits and increasing the wealth gap daily. Enough is enough. The gilets jaunes are absolute proof that direct action can get the goods.

So what now? Full-scale civil disobedience in Europe is a possibility. Who knows what will be achieved? But Europe is heading in the right direction. The question is, what are you going to do?

Time to defend your families and communities … to the streets!

THE BRISTOLIAN SAYS … HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT RUBBISH

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As the amount of homeless people on our streets grows due to government austerity measures, the Reverend and his mates have a plan.

So, who’s in charge? Social Care? No. Health? No. Er, Bristol Waste are carrying out the new procedure. They’re now threatening to steal what little property rough sleepers have in an attempt to clear the streets of homeless people so that shoppers can consume without having to trip over them.

People don’t choose to become homeless. This is a direct effect of austerity that has cut funds to services. The Nazi Post did a study of rough sleepers and discovered people who had lost their business, broken their back and couldn’t work or got kicked out of a flat when their dad died of cancer.

Most of these human beings are at their wits end. They have tried to get help but to no avail. So they’re sleeping on the streets with their worldly possessions. Many have been beaten up. One comrade was dragged from his tent, beaten with a golf club and told to “fuck off back to his own country”. Do they mean Somerset, which is where he came from? Others have had their possessions burned.

Now the Council are joining in. One young woman told a reporter that she was scared to go to the toilet in case council bullies stole her stuff. This is theft. She was even trying to sell a few trinkets, so that she would not be forced into prostitution and the Council stopped her doing that. This is just bullying people who lack the resources to fight back. Why is Bristol Waste even handling this? Human beings are not garbage. The remaining stuff they have is theirs, just like ours in our homes.

Maybe, the next time our Mayor leads the “masses” on another march against his austerity measures, he doesn’t want to trip over the casualties of his own endeavours? Spend some of your reserves you cunt! We also understand that when he has his jolly for fellow global mayors later this year, they do not want to see people lying in the streets. It might put them off the canapes and champagne as they discuss what a terribly difficult job they do.

Stealing people’s stuff will not make them go away. Until the authorities in this city stand up to central government, it will get worse. Bullying is not the answer. They teach you that at school Marvin. Also, remember, many working class people are one paycheck away from becoming homeless themselves. It can happen to anyone in Tory Britain, which is a sobering thought.

Please try to give some cash to the homeless. They do not choose to sleep out in a damp sleeping bag during winter. And if you see the council bullies stealing property from the homeless, stop them. Talk to them. See where they are taking the stolen property and try to help the human being who is being attacked.

They are not a problem, the inequalities of wealth are. The Mayor is a fucking hypocrite.

Christmas Party Time!

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“MAKE BRISTOL SHIT AGAIN”

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Those of you who’ve spotted these stickers around our fair city, are probably wondering what this is all about. Well rumour has it that it’s the new initiative from the Right Asshole Reverend Marvin Rees …

Following his ingenious idea to get people to march against the cuts he’s making and even having the front to get up on a stage and complain – about himself we suppose? His next wheeze is to try to justify his cuts to libraries and our other public services. Is he trying to make Bristol shit again?

Some of us think Bristol is a grand old city and it’s only twats like Rees and his elitist mates that are shite. Because, now, our wonderful Mayor is going to make our more cuts, leading to homelessness, social services in freefall, no childcare places, parks in a mess, traffic jams, low wages – you won’t even be able to take your kids to the libraries any more. We could go on, but congrats to the Rev, his plans for our city really will make it shit.

Perhaps he’ll plan another march for the people of Bristol to celebrate just how shit he’s made it? He can lead a march of suicidal residents through the streets of Bristol and encourage boisterous chants of “what do we want?” – “more shit”; “when do we want it?” – “now!”

Meanwhile, our glorious leader, the Reverend Make-it-Shit is planning to spend £150k on a grand summit of Mayors from around the world just to rub his shit in our faces. We need to get busy and show these bastards that we want our city and our lives to have hope, with services and leisure facilities for all, not just for some canape crunching elitist mayors and their hangers-on hell bent on pissing on us.

To the fucking streets and rub their noses in the shit.

THE BRISTOLIAN SAYS …

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All across Europe, like PSYCHOTIC MANIACS armed with chainsaws, politicians are slashing away at essential public services. From Bristol to Barcelona, Aberdeen to Athens it is like a scene from some low budget SLASHER MOVIE.

Life is becoming hard for those at the bottom while those at the top are seeing their wealth reach OBSCENE levels. A recent Oxfam report found that THE WORLD’S EIGHT RICHEST PEOPLE NOW HAVE AS MUCH WEALTH AS THE POOREST HALF OF HUMANITY.

The reasons for this are simple. Money buys power. The rich use their money to make more money. They buy off political parties to make sure they don’t have to share their money with the rest of society. They free themselves from all public control. They avoid taxation and they destroy public spending which redistributes wealth. They own and control all television and newspapers so that we never get to understand what they are doing and how the world really works.

The truth is staring us in the face. Their message to us is clear. They do not need us anymore. We used to be the Workshop of the World. We used to have militant unions and organisations which won us a small slice of the pie, however meagre. Today, the poor of China, Bangladesh or elsewhere will do that work for them for a dollar a day. The former working class of Britain is NO LONGER NEEDED and the rich are damned if they are going to share any of their wealth with us.

Well it is time to tell those PARASITES that it is THEM who are NO LONGER NEEDED. If we don’t stand up for ourselves, we stand aside and allow our children’s lives to become worthless. So turn off your TV, put away your drugs, dust yourself off and GET ANGRY.

Forget namby pamby petitions and peaceful protests. IT’S NOT OUR MORAL OUTRAGE WE WANT TO IMPRESS ON THEM – JUST THE SHAPE OF OUR FISTS.

MAYORAL ELECTION: COCK & BALLS

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The BRISTOLIAN has been running stories on and off since 1827. Same old shite really – POWER, CORRUPTION, LIES, THEFT, NEPOTISM AND DECEIT.

One editor in the 19th Century even ended up in the nick for fucking LIBEL would you believe? So it’s pretty fair to say that Bristol and this country have not changed much.

By the time you read this you’ll be electing another pissant (or perhaps the same pissant) as Mayor of Bristol after they’ve made all sorts of promises about housing, transport and whatever else they think will make you vote for the twats.

If anything’s really changed since the 19th century, it’s for the WORSE. Day after day we hear more and more about the state we’re in. One in five kids turning up at school underweight and malnourished. Whose kids? Our fucking kids!

The elderly are dying of COLD or HUNGER. Over 100,000 people in the West Country are reliant on FOOD BANKS. One third are children. Thousands of families go without benefits because they are two minutes late for an appointment with the government.

More people are homeless in Bristol now than any time since the GREAT DEPRESSION of the 1930s. Libraries, swimming baths and children’s centres are closing. The local NHS is cut to the bone. Even doctors are striking over conditions.

Meanwhile we work ’til we drop, get our pensions ROBBED and live in perpetual debt. All the while working on zero hour contracts for TYCOONS buying big houses, flash cars and yachts off our backs.

But we’re all in it together! Are we bollox! The gap between rich and poor is the largest in living memory. Bigger than when Queen Vic lorded it over the Empire.

The Panama Papers and the rich and powerful avoiding tax are the tip of the iceberg. Bankers are getting their bonuses again. And all the local politicians – Tory, Labour, Lib Dem, Green – tell us they’re POWERLESS to stop the austerity measures screwing up our lives.

Really? Is that true? Were politicians in Bristol “powerless” when they voted through a 20 per cent pay rise for council bosses last month? Were politicians in Bristol “powerless” when they kept their gobs shut about the 50 council homes flogged off to property speculators in the last year?

Were Bristol’s politicians “powerless” when they waved through Mayor Crook’s BENT Green Capital accounts? Are they “powerless” to stop our librarians getting shafted? Are they too “powerless” to mention our local academies are run by SPIVS chasing a fast buck?

Are they “powerless” to ask why the mayor’s daughter is being handed hundreds of thousands of pounds of public money? Are they “powerless” to DEMAND the streets are cleaned? “Powerless” to ask why public documents are suddenly SECRET? “Powerless” to ask why their useless housing department can’t answer a bloody phone?

Our politicians are not “powerless”. They’re IDLE, PATHETIC and WEAK. Voting for any of them is a waste of time. They will not help you or your family or your friends. They will help themselves whilst kowtowing to thieving corporations.

Once elected, local politicians will give away the power we give them and hand the running of the city to ELITIST council bosses on big wages working to the instructions of the Tories in Westminster. The politicians, meanwhile, will keep their heads down, enjoy the perks of office and simper that they’re “powerless”.

So what is to be done instead? Because if we don’t do something sharpish, we’ll all be well and truly fucked.

We need to get organised as a city NOW. We need to UNITE the city and start FIGHTING the Tory government in Westminster. We must CHALLENGE the property speculators and off shore property owners in Bristol. We must STAND OUR GROUND against greedy CAPITALISTS making money out of privatisation of public services. We must DUMP the politicians who say they’re “powerless”. We must REJECT the thieving bankers dumping debt on us. We need to fight back.

Organise. Prepare. Kick off. They’re coming for us. We must get after them. Sticking an ‘x’ in a box every four years just isn’t working any more.

BRISTOLIAN BENEFIT GIG! THIS SUNDAY! RED LION IN WHITEHALL! LOADSA BANDS, AND ONLY A FIVER!!!

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Benefit gig for ‘The BRISTOLIAN’, Sunday 18 May, Red Lion, Whitehall Road, BS5 9BP. £5 entry to help support your super, soaraway ‘Smiter’!

Benefit gig for ‘The BRISTOLIAN’, Sunday 18 May, Red Lion, Whitehall Road, BS5 9BP. Five bands for just £5 entry – and all to help support your super, soaraway ‘Smiter’!

Come one and come all to the Red Lion in Whitehall this Sunday 18th May, where a dazzling array of talent will perform their popular music songs for your delight, and all in aid of helping us keep The BRISTOLIAN a free paper full of the news you won’t read in the Nazi Post (until three months later)!

It all kicks off at half seven, and for a mere five of your English pounds (none of Fergo’s funny money, thanks) you’ll get five fine acts performing for your discerning enjoyment: Hater UK performing as Cider Riot, local militant ska-punk stalwarts Spanner, West Country cider-folk lunatics Surfin’ Turnips, the rocksteady stylings of The 1 Tones, and of course, big friends of the ‘Smiter’, Bristol’s own black bloc rap squad QELD.

And did we mention that it’s only a fiver?

If you don’t know it, the Red Lion (postcode: BS5 9BP) is on Whitehall Road at the junction with Lyppiatt Road, which runs between Whitehall Road and Church Road in Redfield.

There’s bus stops on both sides of the road right by the pub (Centre-Kingswood 6 & Centre-Speedwell 7), and more stops a two minute walk away on Church Road (Centre-Keynsham 42; Centre-Cadbury Heath 43; Centre-Kingswood 44; Centre-Longwell Green 45).

So get thee down there!