The two BIG BEASTS of Bristol’s mayoral election campaign have come out of the electoral starting blocks like an especially irritating pair of SMALL FURRY ANIMALS squeaking for their dinner.

Mayor Bullshit launched his CAR CRASH on a windy February night at the former Bridewell Police Station, now a wanky arts venue for the underemployed middle classes, in front of about 20 supporters.

The posh droning bore, naturally, had NOTHING of interest to say but took a long time to say it anyway. Promising more bloody resident parking zones (or taxes as we call them here) and to set up some committee of his WEALTHY BUSINESS FRIENDS to solve poverty in South Bristol, he might as well have ditched the speech altogether and just stood there with  ‘LOSER‘ written on his forehead in marker pen instead.

The clueless old buffoon also had a pop at all the people demanding he open up the books of his DODGY Green Capital company – Bristol 2015 Ltd – funded with public money and run in TOP SECRECY by his business mates and council fat cat bosses.

“To fuss about the cost of sandwiches totally misses the point and is an insult to those who have given their time and expertise for Bristol’s good,” blustered the SAD FOOL. Probably sending a few more thousand votes south while failing to understand he needs to account for the £8.5m of public money he’s spent on TROUGHING with his pals.

Marvin “LUTHER” Rees launched his campaign three days later on Valentine’s Day with a bizarre pitch based around ‘Love Bristol: Love Labour’ balloons and a talk from his mum!

Luther Rees then went on to deliver one of his WAFFLING BOILERPLATE speeches on inequality, diversity, “no-one left behind” and how great the Bristol Labour Party is. So dazzling and original was Luther’s speech, it even featured on page 14 of the next day’s Nazi Post!

Luther’s main promise was that he would build 800 homes a year by GIVING our council land to private developers to build ‘AFFORDABLE HOUSING’ we won’t be able to afford.

He also promised that victims of domestic violence and abuse will be given TOP, BAND 1, PRIORITY for rehousing. Missing the point that it’s not the administrative banding exercise that’s the problem, it’s the fact there’s no fucking social housing left to give to anyone anymore!

 Oh well, only two more months of this electoral bollocks left before council officers continue running the council the way they want to anyway …