A late start to proceedings this morning as Crown Prosecutor, Sir William Scrotesack QC, had to motor back down into the provinces this morning from London after dining yesterday evening at his chambers after learning no establishment served swan in Bristol.

When things finally kicked off at 11.00am, Jon “Poodle” Finch was the first witness up from Scrotesack QC. Poodle is the council’s Director of Culture and Creative Industries and the useful idiot selected by the Reverend Rees to sign the council’s police complaint about criminal damage to the Colston Statue.

This is the complaint that the council and the Reverend deny ever making and they have, instead, described it as “a statement of facts”. But if there was no complaint what on earth was everyone doing at Bristol Crown Court today? Is it just some sort of establishment right wing reactionary racist cosplay thing? A shoot of some early scenes for a Little Britain remake? Daft Wig Expo 2021? 

Whatever it is, it’s all bad news for poodle who, as a local authority culture manager, has been carefully constructing a public facade over many years of being a polite and concerned anti-racist liberal. Only to be stripped bare today, courtesy of the Reverend, to reveal he’s just another pathetic old racist white man selling his arse for a few crumbs off the table of the fabulously wealthy British establishment. 

Poodle’s main contribution came when Scrotesack’s pavement fetish reappeared. A fetish, we understand, that may have been formed during a particularly tumultuous year in the fourth form dorms at Merchant Taylor’s School. Poodle dutifully confirmed to a gently probing Scrotescack that there had been £2,400 damage to a pavement when the statue came down.

We also learned from Poodle that yesterday’s claim by Scrotescack of £3,750 worth of damage to the Colston statue was bollocks. Instead  £3,750 was the cost of of the plinth the council had built for the statue to display it in the M Shed. Indeed, it increasingly appears, that any damage to the statue came at zero cost and that this major prosecution with an international reach is over who’s responsible for the cost of some municipal pavement maintenance.

Poodle’s appearance also gave us first sight of Milo Ponsford’s brief, Tom Wainwright, best known for defending the ‘Stansted 15‘, and Rhianne Graham’s brief Blinne Ni Ghralaigh from well-known human rights firm, Matrix Chambers. We can only be eternally grateful to The Recorder of Bristol His Honour Judge Ded for moving so swiftly into the 19th century and actually allowing a woman in his court.

Also appearing as a witness today was Simon Hickman, principle inspector of historic buildings for Historic England. He also miserably failed to cost any damage to the Colston statue.

Meanwhile, the coppers put in a written statement from WPC Julie Hayward, a protest liason officer and just about the lowest level of responsibility the cops could possibly find without getting the cleaner to write a statement. As predicted, the coppers admitted they stood around and watched while what Scrotesack QC tried to sell to the jury yesterday as a ‘serious crime’ took place.

The court adjourned at 3.30pm as Crown Prosecutor Sir William Scrotesack QC and The Recorder of Bristol His Honour Judge Ded had been summoned to Venturers Hall in Clifton to attend a session of private prayer in the presence of the Colston toenails.

(Surely the court adjourned at 3.30pm for “legal discussions”. Roughly translated as Judge Ded trying to stop the defence asking witnesses any questions. Ed.)