Which local Academy Trust is charging its schools at least EIGHT PER CENT of their core income for “central services” – one of the highest figures in the country? Step forward the VENTURERS TRUST, the hopelessly underperforming education wing of the Society of Wealthy Old White Men (Surely Merchant Venturers? Ed.)

Last year the greedy COLSTON TOENAIL WORSHIPPERS charged their eight schools eight per cent of their general annual grant (GAG) – the funding each academy gets from the Department for Education. These charges are for ‘BUSINESS SERVICES’ such as human resources, financial services, legal services, educational support services, property services and, of course, “PR AND COMMUNICATIONS”. The kind of lucrative work, incidentally, that the toenail trustees and their wealthy mates specialise in!

However, while charging our schools and children TOP WHACK FOR MARGINAL CRAP, the Toenail Trust has been struggling on a number of fronts. In OFSTED terms, THREE of its schools are currently rated as INADEQUATE and another “REQUIRES IMPROVEMENT”. Meanwhile, the chair of the Trust, Anthony Browne, DISAPPEARED over the summer following an expensive spot of LEGAL BOTHER. Although the precise cost of this little escapade is yet to be revealed.

We do, however, know that the trust’s EIGHT SCHOOLS were charged £1.53M FOR CENTRAL SERVICES in 2017-18 and this was about nine per cent of the £17 million received from the general annual grant that year. Oddly, the previous year, the schools had been charged less than HALF THIS AMOUNT, a comparatively small £633,000. Where did all this extra public cash collected by WEALTHY TRUSTEES WITH LAVISH LIFESTYLES go in this age of austerity?

The same accounts also show that the Toenail Trust’s chief executive, HILARY MACAULEY, personally trousered £145-£150,000. Just under £150,000, which the Department for Education has said should only go to leaders for “EXCEPTIONAL” performance.

A highly unlikely outcome at the Toenail Trust.