VICAR ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?

As the latest corpse of a young clubber is fished out of the docks and a dead rough sleeper is discovered in a Broadmead shop doorway, the Reverend’s Corporate Health and Safety Committee has swung into action and had an EMERGENCY MEETING.

And what was the number one item on the agenda? Making our docks and waterways SAFE for Bristolians? Helping rough sleepers stay ALIVE during the April frosts? PROTECTING Avonmouth residents from unlawful levels of pollution from the Port of Bristol? ENSURING young people, slaves and exploited workers are living in legal, safe and sanitary conditions in empty council properties run by cowboy contactors?

Er, no, none of these issues were discussed. Probably because they only affect the little people and might make our failing mayor look even more crap. Instead this absurd committee of OVERPAID TWERPS in suits has spent hours and hundreds of pounds of tax payers cash leafing through the city’s favourite newspaper, The BRISTOLIAN, to discuss the cartoons in it!

And it turns out that our hugely popular ‘Best cut of all’ cover is now officially a “CREDIBLE DEATH THREAT”! Really? A death threat so “credible” that no attempt has been made on the life of the ridiculous vicar in the last three months by anyone anywhere. Evidence – for most normal people – of the exact opposite of “a credible death threat” and more of “an incredible death threat”.

However, not ones to let reality get in the way of their war on cartoons published by the plebs, this nauseating little bunch of useless and under qualified COUNCIL PLONKERS have reported The BRISTOLIAN to the police on behalf of the mayor! Presumably the Reverend’s not noticed any REAL CRIME in our city then? Or, rather than get real issues investigated to protect us, the struggling Mayor and his outsize ego prefers that the local constabulary – who have also suffered swingeing cuts – urgently investigate a NON-CRIME against him committed by cartoon?

By an extraordinary coincidence, the object of this urgent high-level investigation (us!) has consistently exposed CRIMINALITY and WRONGDOING at the Reverend’s council and has exposed the Reverend as weak and futile with a PATHETIC record of protecting Bristol and its people from Tory austerity. The latest education cuts mean that each pupil will receive £600 less funding next year. A cut of nearly one third. So what’s Marv doing about that? Less than fuck all, while worrying about a cartoon everyone else had forgotten about.

No doubt local coppers are also thrilled, having just pulled another body out of the docks, to get stuck into an investigation of ZERO PUBLIC INTEREST for a piss weak paranoid mayor who can’t handle criticism?

And what’s our mentally erratic city ‘leader’ hoping to achieve with this COSTLY FARCE cooked up entirely for his own benefit? Have any of the mayor’s highly paid ‘expert’ strategists explained to the Reverend you can’t stop local people photocopying a sheet of paper with cartoons and stories in it about his council’s dodgy activities and handing it out around town?

Nobody really wants to hurt this poor little DELUDED FOOL. After all, we do know where he lives. Perhaps we should pop round for a group cuddle and inject him with a bit of backbone before there’s nothing left in Bristol but understocked food banks, ex old people’s homes full of slave labour and dead kids face down in the docks?

It’s not funny really is it?