Tag Archives: The Bristolian

IN-CREDIBLE?

VICAR ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN?

As the latest corpse of a young clubber is fished out of the docks and a dead rough sleeper is discovered in a Broadmead shop doorway, the Reverend’s Corporate Health and Safety Committee has swung into action and had an EMERGENCY MEETING.

And what was the number one item on the agenda? Making our docks and waterways SAFE for Bristolians? Helping rough sleepers stay ALIVE during the April frosts? PROTECTING Avonmouth residents from unlawful levels of pollution from the Port of Bristol? ENSURING young people, slaves and exploited workers are living in legal, safe and sanitary conditions in empty council properties run by cowboy contactors?

Er, no, none of these issues were discussed. Probably because they only affect the little people and might make our failing mayor look even more crap. Instead this absurd committee of OVERPAID TWERPS in suits has spent hours and hundreds of pounds of tax payers cash leafing through the city’s favourite newspaper, The BRISTOLIAN, to discuss the cartoons in it!

And it turns out that our hugely popular ‘Best cut of all’ cover is now officially a “CREDIBLE DEATH THREAT”! Really? A death threat so “credible” that no attempt has been made on the life of the ridiculous vicar in the last three months by anyone anywhere. Evidence – for most normal people – of the exact opposite of “a credible death threat” and more of “an incredible death threat”.

However, not ones to let reality get in the way of their war on cartoons published by the plebs, this nauseating little bunch of useless and under qualified COUNCIL PLONKERS have reported The BRISTOLIAN to the police on behalf of the mayor! Presumably the Reverend’s not noticed any REAL CRIME in our city then? Or, rather than get real issues investigated to protect us, the struggling Mayor and his outsize ego prefers that the local constabulary – who have also suffered swingeing cuts – urgently investigate a NON-CRIME against him committed by cartoon?

By an extraordinary coincidence, the object of this urgent high-level investigation (us!) has consistently exposed CRIMINALITY and WRONGDOING at the Reverend’s council and has exposed the Reverend as weak and futile with a PATHETIC record of protecting Bristol and its people from Tory austerity. The latest education cuts mean that each pupil will receive £600 less funding next year. A cut of nearly one third. So what’s Marv doing about that? Less than fuck all, while worrying about a cartoon everyone else had forgotten about.

No doubt local coppers are also thrilled, having just pulled another body out of the docks, to get stuck into an investigation of ZERO PUBLIC INTEREST for a piss weak paranoid mayor who can’t handle criticism?

And what’s our mentally erratic city ‘leader’ hoping to achieve with this COSTLY FARCE cooked up entirely for his own benefit? Have any of the mayor’s highly paid ‘expert’ strategists explained to the Reverend you can’t stop local people photocopying a sheet of paper with cartoons and stories in it about his council’s dodgy activities and handing it out around town?

Nobody really wants to hurt this poor little DELUDED FOOL. After all, we do know where he lives. Perhaps we should pop round for a group cuddle and inject him with a bit of backbone before there’s nothing left in Bristol but understocked food banks, ex old people’s homes full of slave labour and dead kids face down in the docks?

It’s not funny really is it?

BEST CU*T OF ALL

Leading the hapless local Labour Party charge against our universally acclaimed ‘BEST CUT OF ALL’ cover last month was the Chair of the Bristol Labour Party, Kommandant Eileen “Meanie” Means.

Days after publication, Kommandant Meanie staggered on to social media and especially Twitter – home of the middle class MORALISING twat – to condemn the cover. “It’s racist,” blurted the fool. “An axe in anyone’s head is evil,” wittered the wally.

“It’s against all decency,” whined the buffoon; “I’m not giving in to arrogant thugs,” blasted the banshee, accompanying her RANTING AND RAVING with meaningless hashtags – #notinmycity, #notinmyname, #notupmybum, #notinmymouth, #notbeforetea (we might have made some of those up, ed).

Then the coup de grace – revealing the startlingly limited content of Meanie’s mind – the nutjob compared our cover to the MURDER of Jo Cox MP last year! That’s right. There’s a direct moral equivalence between publishing a cartoon and murdering someone.

Were ISIS right all along about Charlie Hebdo? Did those piss-taking French bastards have it coming? According to the Bristol Labour Party, yes!

Kommandant Meanie even echoed into her tedious social media void of 700 long-suffering followers that “decent people speak out and don’t let it pass”. Indeed they do, which is why in 2015 The BRISTOLIAN ‘spoke out’ and revealed that Meanie was a piece of public sector middle management BULLYING shite who’s been removed from social work management posts across the UK for conduct reasons.

Quite what qualifies this revolting specimen to lecture anyone on “evil” and “decency” and call others “thugs” having been thrown out of her workplace for bullying workers is anyone’s guess.

It also says a lot about “Nice guy” Reverend Rees that his local party boss is a notorious bully …

Are you in the Labour Party? Have you been bullied by Eileen Means? Don’t get mad – get even! Contact The BRISTOLIAN.

‘BEST CUT OF ALL’ IS “DISGUSTING” SAY FAKE CAMPAIGNERS

THREE PEOPLE NOBODY’S EVER HEARD OF CONDEMN CONFECTED SHOCK IMAGE AS, ER, SHOCKING IN USELESS RIGHT WING RAG EVERYONE KNOWS IS FULL OF CRAP!

The Nazi Post has kindly published our hugely successful ‘Best Cut of All‘ front cover and poster so it can reach a wider audience. It’s published today under the excellent, if inaccurate, headline, “Anti-cuts campaigners condemn ‘disgusting’ image of Bristol mayor Marvin Rees”. 

The article features a few random nobodies from West Bristol – that the Post apparently found on Facebook and rebranded as “ANTI-CUTS CAMPAIGNERS” – who helpfully consented to condemning our artwork in the local yellow press. This is presumably so we can all have a good laugh at the Post’s expense?

Meanwhile, actual, real, anti-cuts campaigners from Bristol’s local anti-cuts group, BADACA, didn’t, er, condemn anything at all! Do we have a new media phenomena? FAKE CAMPAIGNERS?

Full article here: ***WARNING*** This link contains shocking bullshit: http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/anti-cuts-campaigners-condemn-disgusting-image-of-bristol-mayor-marvin-rees/story-30135187-detail/story.html#ipHBqQfKVokBpzXc.99

In case you care, the quote the from us that the Nazi Post won’t print said, “Could you tell Mike Norton he’s a cunt and we wouldn’t mind putting an axe through his Tory head?”

A word from the circulation department:

“We’ve had quite a good response from the street to this issue and only had one ‘negative’ – which was really more in the realm of worry about displaying the front cover rather than an objection to it per se. Even this hitch was overcome.

“Laughter or a shrug is the more common response.

“On the positive side we’ve already had two sell outs requiring re-stocks, and two places wanting our number in the anticipation of demand for more. A punter in one of the delivery venues shook our hand and said ‘I just love this paper – it’s straight from the heart with two fingers up to PR bullshit – I’ll show all my friends.”

Ho, ho!

UNIONS DEMAND MARV BACKS THE BRISTOLIAN!

georgebookfair

Another candidate supporting vibrant news reporting

The “TRADE UNION VISION FOR BRISTOL” sounds like one of the most boring documents ever. Published by local unions to support Marvin “Luther” Rees in his effort to become mayor in May, it actually contains a few gems. Not least its call for Luther Rees to back The BRISTOLIAN!

“A DIVERSE AND STRONG MEDIA is essential for the lifeblood of Bristol. Local newspapers are under severe pressure and need the support of civic leaders,” thunder the union bureaucrats.

“We want a mayor who will: champion Bristol’s creative and cultural life; be an ambassador for Bristol’s arts and creative industries,” and … Wait for it … “support local media and a VIBRANT REPORTING OF NEWS and events”!

We’ll assume the cheque’s in the post then Marv …

BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL BLOCKS BRISTOLIAN!

Word reaches us that council staff are now denied access to their favourite super soaraway scandal sheet after Shitty Hall bosses BLOCKED access to The BRISTOLIAN website.

It seems that due to the constant stream of revelations about acts of incompetence, corruption and idiocy committed under Mayor Fergo’s ‘REIGN OF ERROR’, embarrassed senior BCC managers decided to pull the plug on the ‘Smiter’s site – effectively banning council workers from reading The BRISTOLIAN.

In the words of a whistleblower: “Ridiculous!”

BRISTOLIAN 6 HITS THE STREETS!

Front page
Featured in this edition:

» BLACKLIST BAN!
Council finally calls time on sickening anti-safety bosses

» HORSEWORLD – ROUND 2!
Horse flesh scandal!

» BEDROOM TAX BALL-UP!
Hoyty-Toyty and Co. in brewery/piss-up non-shocker

» COMMUNITY CENTRE COUP!
Plans are afoot in Easton …

» COUNCIL BOSSES SECRETLY PLOT TO BACK TORIES!
Sicko Shitty Hall Tory election plot

» ZERO CLUE ON ZERO HOURS!
May Gurney taking the piss out of Shitty Hall bosses (again)

» THE BIG B.I.D. CON!
Tory rat’s personal fiefdom paid for by you!

See the Distribution page for your local stockist – and if there isn’t one near you, let us know!

UPDATE: Digital PDF of The BRISTOLIAN #4.6 now available to download!

FROM THE ARCHIVES: LUVVIE LISTS

The Bristol Culture Blog’s recent Bristol arts and culture power list 2013 brought back memories of the last time a meejah luvvies list was compiled in this city as the prospective membership list for the ill-fated Il Bordello club. Just goes to show the names might change but the sheer self-regard and absurdity of some people in Bristol never will. Here’s what The BRISTOLIAN had to say in 2002:

PSEUDS CORNER:

The appalling snob and social climber LIZ LEWITT has finally managed to turn her festering rustbucket into IL BORDELLO – “ARTS BAR AND VIDEO LOUNGE”. The risible project – intended to be Bristol’s GROUCHO CLUB – has membership only open to – wait for it – “MULTIMEDIA CREATIVES”. Ha! Fuckin Ha! Ha! What a wanker!

When you look at the “prospective membership list”, however – intended to coax others to join under the impression they’ll be hanging out with Massive Attack and Portishead – it’s full of interior designers, PR consultants and “LAVINIA from the Chamber of Commerce”. Just the kind of people you’d happily walk the plank to avoid!

We can pick out a few such luminaries. There’s that riveting couple Sue and John Midwinter. Lewitt boasts that “John is an entrepreneur and does interiors”, while “Sue is a PRIVATE CATERER”. What does that mean – she cooks her own fucking tea?! Emphasis on “private” to make her fascinating and not just any old caterer, you understand.

Compared to this lot any visiting Sue Pollards will be A-Listers! And there’s Roger Davis, described as a “GAME DEALER” from Cotham. What’s media-creative about that? He’s just one up from a fucking rat catcher! Your caring Bristolian exclusively publishes Lewitt’s list of “prospective members” for you, dear punters, to scan and see what you’re missing out on, and why IL BORDELLO will soon be heading for Davy Jones’ Locker!

To join Lewitt’s SNOB BOAT will cost you a mere £500 just to get in, or £1,000 corporate rate. These already represent a big drop in price from that Lewitt was originally proposing to charge – because there were predictably few takers. Lewitt wails “the membership fees were originally set in conjunction with a consultant from London but now we have decided to lower membership fees”.

The truth is that Lewitt was proposing a 3-Tier membership scheme: Silver for the interior designers, Gold for anyone vaguely to do with the media, and Platinum for Nick Park/Massive Attack/Beth Gibbons etc. When none of these showed any interest in coughing up £2,000 a year to hang out with a work experience girl from the Bristol Observer and the woman wot cooks for Aardman Animation, she realised her consultant was talking the proverbial metropolitan bollocks.

The opening of Massive Attack’s Nocturne Club was a further kick up the gunnels. She is reassured though by an endorsement from an anonymous “media solicitor”: “It would be useful to have a venue where we can present prospective legislation to our clients in an artistic ambience with no risk of marauding townies”.

To join you have to show “proof of professional integrity”, though apparently “a sample of corporate stationery will do”. How very individualistic! Expect much wailing and gnashing of teeth by about June this year when this Ship of Fools finally founders and there’s a long line of gullible Lavinias trying to get their money back!

BRISTOLIAN HITS BEDMINSTER!

Our street team has been busy getting the paper distributed to more places in south Bristol – so if you’re near Bedminster you can now pick up your super, soaraway BRISTOLIAN from the following locations:

We will continue to expand our distribution network whilst working on the next issue – due out in early April – but in the meantime if you can help out by spreading the ‘Smiter’ around your own neighbourhood, get in touch!

A list of places we’re trying to keep stocked up with the paper is here – though in some places it’s flying out quicker than we can put it in…

++ BRISTOLIAN FINALLY HITS THE STREETS ++ WEBSITE LIVE ++

Two happy readers devour their copies of relaunched scandal sheet The Bristolian at Hydra Books on Old Market Street, one of the first drop-off points

Two happy readers devour their copies of relaunched scandal sheet The Bristolian at Hydra Books on Old Market Street, one of the first drop-off points

After a week of waiting, the first new issue of The BRISTOLIAN has finally hit the streets!

Our intrepid team has spent all afternoon making a start on getting the paper into pubs, shops and community spaces up and down the city – with many more outlets still to be supplied in the coming days.

It’s a big old city, so if you can help distribute your favourite muckraking scandal sheet, please do get in touch and help add to the growing list of outlets.

In the meantime you can read stories here on the blog or download a PDF copy (and we won’t chase anyone for copyright infringement if they print off a load themselves)…

So, we’re off – let’s get on with the smiting!

Preview of The Bristolian #4.1