Built in 1820, Kingsweston Iron Bridge, which takes pedestrians safely across busy Kings Weston Road, is Grade II listed and a source of pride and affection across North Bristol. It’s now been CLOSED FOR OVER THREE YEARS after a lorry hit it in November 2015. This happened immediately after a botched resurfacing job by Bristol City Council, which raised the height of the road, built on solid bedrock.

Bristol City Council finally released a bizarre plan to repair and restore the bridge in March but have now CANCELLED any works because “there’s a lot of heritage issues” according to clueless Labour transport boss, Kye “The” Dudd. This latest delay arrives after The Dudd personally fronted a madcap and expensive proposal to DISMANTLE THE BRIDGE and then attempt to raise it by a metre to stop lorries smashing into it.

A plan that The Dudd’s own impact assessment states would cause “SUBSTANTIAL HARM” to the bridge and a plan immediately rejected by Historic England, concerned that if the council dismantled the bridge it would never be put back up.  “Historic England have seen other examples of structures being ‘temporarily’ dismantled for repair, only for their reinstatement to be abandoned for financial or operational reasons,” they warn. Instead Historic England say it would be cheaper and quicker to put up some SIMPLE METAL POSTS either side of the bridge to protect it from tall vehicles.

Meanwhile, exasperated residents in north Bristol have been left scratching their heads at a fiasco that’s taking longer to resolve than Brexit. They’re especially pissed off with their local councillor, our dear old friend Don “Lenin” Alexander. Promising residents he would sort their bridge out, Lenin has FARTED ABOUT FOR THREE YEARS now failing to keep any promises while assuring residents that council highways middle management clown Chris “Doolally” Dooley had the solution. The man who fucked the bridge up in the first place.

At present the only winners seem to be the scaffolding contractors, responsible for keeping our bridge up. They are now into a fourth year of easy money from the council taxpayer.