And so The BRISTOLIAN, with a tear in its eye, draws your attention to the impending departure of Bristol City Council’s Communication & Marketing Director PETER ‘CLAUDIA JEAN’ HOLT – as EXCLUSIVELY revealed in The BRISTOLIAN!
Yes, the SELF-PROCLAIMED PR GURU – who showed off his muscular messaging abilities by cringing in the corner at an Easton Community Centre neighbourhood meeting back in April as his boss Mayor George Ferguson announced that rioting was okay as long as you did it “in the right way” – is off to “a new and exciting role in London”.
Notorious ALLEGED DOLPHIN-FUCKER Holt – snapped up as a hip-sounding young gun by Bristol City Council back in 2009 – will be trading in his BS8 Clifton Hill pad (average price: £350,000) for an NW8 Clifton Hill mansion (currently averaging £1m for flats up to £4m for houses). It’s almost enough to make you wonder how he could have managed to save up so much whilst working for BCC – has he been rifling around in the back of millionaire Mayor Fergo’s sofa for loose fifties?
Anyway, who could begrudge Claudia Jean – who saw himself as the firm-but-fair White House press secretary CJ from The West Wing, when he was more PJ, the Byker Grove kid blinded in a freak paintball accident – the odd ‘PERK OF THE JOB’? Toiling away on thankless tasks like dealing with constant grunty pocket calls from Gary Hopkins every time he sits on his council-issue smartphone whilst settling down on the office chaise longue to enjoy his ‘special interest’ DVDs; or having to explain to a sobbing Sir Hoyty-Toyty that no, the reason your email doesn’t work isn’t because “the pixies who carry the messages through the internet tubes have died” but because you haven’t turned your PC monitor on.
But don’t panic! You fine people of Bristol have not been forgotten! His Royal Holtness is having a taxpayer-funded leaving do at Council House, and you’re all invited!
He’s asked for RSVPs, but he surely won’t mind those who paid his NOT-INCONSIDERABLE WAGES turning up at Committee Room 15 of the Council House on College Green, from 4:30-6pm. Be sure not to be late – there will be a grand “ambient multi-media presentation” at
four five o’ clock, “showing you…unexpected sides of Peter you will never have seen before.” If you can’t make it down to Shitty Hall, you can join the fun on Twitter. He even has his own hashtag: #byebyebristol.
Who could resist?
Just FYI, the multimedia presentation is at *five* o’clock.
Good spot – thanks, A! Now corrected… Because we wouldn’t want anyone missing out on the feature presentation, would we?
I think “The Onion” can sleep safely, if this is the height of wit available.
Seems Peter’s “multi-media presentation” may have been a little overspun. Turns out he borrowed a projector and showed the lucky audience his favourite photographs of Bristol and his favourite tweets by, er, himself!
I suppose we should grateful that at least he didn’t didn’t read his poetry.
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