Tag Archives: Peter Holt

GAGA’S GAG SENSATION

Nicola Yates: Well, you'd smile too, if you'd been paid off like she has!

“LADY GAGA” DISHING OUT THE GAGS

Looks like council Chief Exec NICOLA “LADY GAGA” YATES has been living up to her name. The BRISTOLIAN can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that over the last year the city council has gagged at least TWELVE departing members of staff, preventing them discussing any aspect of their employment with the council in exchange for CASH.

The total amount of our money spent removing former employees’ human rights is not clear.
However we’ve tracked down a few payments.

One recipient was former finance boss PETER “ROBBIN-US” ROBINSON. Despite resigning last autumn to take up a post in Herefordshire, the sleazy Freemason, notorious at the Council House for corruption COVER-UPS and BULLYING of honest internal audit investigators, was handed £52k in exchange for his silence.

This is someone who resigned. Why are council bosses being paid for resigning? What happened to efficiency and austerity? or is that only for the little people?

The BRISTOLIAN also has traced a further THREE leaving payments to senior bosses last year totalling £389k, only one of which can be identified as a redundancy payment. That’s two more payments of over £100k each.

Senior bosses who have scarpered in the last year include village idiot and (mis)communications expert PETER ‘CLAUDIA-JEAN’ HOLT and belly-flopping major projects manager ALUN ‘IT’S A FUCK UP’ OWEN. Did they receive six-figure payouts? Funny, ‘cause last we heard there were STRICT LIMITS on leaving payments to senior managers ensuring all payments were capped at a maximum of £42,000.

What has Lady Gaga got to hide then? And how much is it costing us?

DIM TIM IN THIN SPIN DIN! RUMOUR-MONGERING COUNCIL PRESS BOSS BORRETT HAS TROUBLE COMMUNICATING…

Looks like the council has appointed yet another congenital idiot to run its press operation.

Step forward ‘DIM’ TIM BORRETT, previously a lowly press assistant who stepped into the hot seat a few months ago when his chum the West Wing-loving Peter ‘Claudia Jean’ Holt was finally shipped out by the all- new council management when they instantly discovered he was a useless twat.

Anyway, it seems Dim Tim, yet another chancer who fancies himself as spin doctor, is already briefing the Nazi Post ‘OFF THE RECORD’.

Oh dear. Does Tim not realise that any statement released by the council to the press can be attributed to him as the man in charge of the Press Office?

Isn’t the whole point of him earning a large wedge as media boss that he take responsibility for what appears in the press on behalf of the council? The idea he can shirk his responsibility and avoid accountability by describing himself as “a City Council source” or some other ridiculous fabrication is patently absurd. We all know it’s you, Borrett, you silly, silly boy.

We’ve also been reliably informed that at the time of his appointment last year, Borrett was very friendly with former press boss, Claudia Jean Holt and he appears to have got his break in Bristol as Claudia Jean’s right hand man after regularly visiting the bellyflopping press boss in Bristol so they could play zombie games together!! How cosy.

Prior to pitching up in Bristol, Borrett was something of a BIG TIME MEDIA OPERATOR in the sleepy Devon resort of Budleigh Salterton, where he kept local farmers and assorted yokels up- to-date on various muckspreading issues on behalf of East Devon Council.

How times don’t change…

YET MORE BLOODLETTING AT SHITTY HALL: GAGA’S ‘RESTRUCTURING’ RAMPAGE

Web ExclusiveYet more DECKCHAIR REARRANGING on the Titanic that is Bristol City Council’s Strategic Leadership Team, with the announcement that current interim Health & Social Care Director Alison Comley is to take on a ‘super ministry’ for ‘Neighbourhoods’, with incoming John Readman handling ‘People’. Two further permanent directors – for ‘Place’ and ‘Change’ – have yet to be appointed.

In the fluffy language of PR, it’s being hailed as “management restructure” – but with the current six directorates being shrunk into four, it’s clear that this is Bristol’s new City Director Nicola Yates waving the cutlery around for her very own NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES

It comes as The BRISTOLIAN has been feverishly trying to confirm a number of rumours leaking out of Shitty Hall about senior managers getting VERY NERVOUS in these early days of the reign of LADY GAGA. Only last week we were told:

…Director of Public Health Janet Maxwell is joining the other rats leaving the sinking ship and is off less than a year after taking up the job. As you guys haven’t reported it yet I’m guessing there might be no truth in it…

It seems we were too cautious – responsible paper that we are – and that the hapless ex-GP (the only permanent Director currently serving) is for the chop after all, as her ‘Public Health’ portfolio gets swallowed up into Comley’s ‘Neighbourhoods’. Whilst she looks for a new job, she’d better hope that she doesn’t find herself under the care of ATOS

This all follows the bombshell last month that Gaga’s “organisation redesign and [re]alignment of services” had led to FIVE Strategic Directors begging for voluntary severance: as we reported at the time, Alun Owen, Peter Robinson and Peter Holt have all gone, with Claudia McConnell and Craig Bolt planning their escape for next year.

Meanwhile, the search continues to for a pair of fresh mugs to warm the ‘Place’ and ‘Change’ chairs for a few months before their inevitable departure. Seeing as the “very thorough selection process” for finding Directors of ‘Neighbourhoods’ and ‘People’ ended up giving us a current acting-up director (Comley) and one of Yates’ pals from her days mismanaging Hull City Council (Readman), it shouldn’t take too long – just long enough to ask “where did I leave my barrel scraper?”

If nothing else, it’s enough to make you wonder whether Lady Gaga is a bit, well, gaga.

MASSIVE PAYOUTS! MASSIVE CUTS! MASSIVE BELLENDS! …PLUS SOME GOOD NEWS TOO IN THE LATEST EDITION OF ‘THE BRISTOLIAN’!

The BRISTOLIAN #4.7 - coverOctober’s edition of The BRISTOLIAN is another PACKED ISSUE, featuring…

» NEARLY £900k IN PAYOFFS TO CRAP COUNCIL BOSSES!
Ex-Chief Executive and six Directors squeeze almost a million quid out of us

» FAT CAT GAGA’S DOSH SENSATION!
Second choice ‘City Director’ Nicola Yates’s well-funded departure from Hull

» GARGAN GETS FEAR OVER INTERNET PROFILE PIC!
Avon & Somerset Police’s Arch-Druid Nick Gargan confuses fictional copper for real thing

» INDYREDPANTS MAN AND THE AFFAIR OF THE ACCIDENTAL WORKFARE
PR guru Oliver Mochizuki fails to silence concerns over festival’s forced labour ‘volunteers’

» LABOUR’S NON-MAYOR: REES-KING RIDICULE?
Failed Shitty Hall candidate Marvin Rees shamelessly puts himself in same category as MLK

» HAVE A KITCAT? BREAK A STRIKE
Councillor Telford and Mayor Ferguson get chummy with Brighton’s binman-hating council boss

PLUS: NEWS IN BRIEF!!!

» BRISTOLIAN BITES
Tantalising titbits including…

  • MERCHANT VENTURER LANDGRABhow Fergo’s pals want your libraries and parks!
  • CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST who does John Hirst remind us of?
  • CABINET KNOWS BESThow Council leaders think they have nothing to learn

» VICTORY NEWS
Positive stories from across the city!

  • V FOR VALERIANpressure from The BRISTOLIAN helps trapped residents
  • ALLOTMENTS SAVED – Lynmouth Road gardeners don’t lose the plot
  • BLACKLISTERS IN RETREATsafety-hating construction companies on back foot

PLUS: COMMENT!!!

» BRISTOL’S BROKEN DEMOCRACY?
Outgoing Finance boss Peter Robinson leaves a ‘Zero Budget’ shit-in-a-box for Mayor Fergo

» TOWN GREENS: LATEST
Why you can’t trust councillors to do the right thing

PLUS: NEW D.I.Y GUIDES!!!

» TOP TIPS TO BEAT THE BEDROOM TAX!
Practical lawyer’s advice on how to survive the ‘Spare Room Subsidy’

Blimey! And all that for FREE!

See the Distribution page for your local stockist – and if there isn’t one near you, let us know!

CAN’T WAIT TO GET HOLD OF A PAPER COPY?

Then you can DOWNLOAD a PDF version here:

» The BRISTOLIAN #4.7 – October 2013

REVEALED: COUNCIL BOSSES IN SECRET ELECTION PLAN TO BACK TORIES

Senior BCC officers implicated in sick election plot

More illuminating news about the gang of overpaid RIGHT-WING DEADBEATS Bristol City Council calls its Senior Leadership Team…

Bristol City Council employees have contacted The BRISTOLIAN to express anger and amazement after discovering that the council’s most senior and well-paid managers have been plotting to use council taxpayer cash and resources to SUPPORT THE TORY PARTY come the general election!

At a meeting in August, members of the council’s Senior Leadership Team – including City Director NICOLA YATES, the now-departed ANGIE RIDGWELL, as well as legal eagle LIAM NEVIN – openly discussed how they could help to get the Conservative-LibDem coalition government re-elected.

Also present was George Ferguson’s spin doctor PETER HOLT, who has since left Bristol City Council for the bright lights of Camden in north London. Could his recent twitter rage at The BRISTOLIAN have anything to do with his panic over us placing the Mayor’s Propaganda Minister in the room during a discussion of dubious legality?

Completing the dastardly cabal were Health supremos ALISON COMLEY and JANET MAXWELL, Neighbourhoods boss MIKE HENNESSEY, ISOBEL CATTERMOLE, who’s responsible for ‘Children, Young People & Skills’, Regeneration guru NEIL TAYLOR, and PAUL TAYLOR, who heads up the ‘Executive Office’.

ROLLCALL OF SHAME: Six figure-salaried senior officers

ROLLCALL OF SHAME: Six figure-salaried senior officers

In their own words they think it’s “important to identify some ‘QUICK WINS’ that could assist in the current Government’s election campaign, these would need to be submitted by January 2014. It was suggested that Boris Johnson’ [sic] vision be used to inform this piece of work.”

Just what relevance London’s Tory mayor Boris Johnson has for people in Bristol isn’t made clear – after all we have our own privately-educated MAYORAL BUFFOON to contend with. But what is clear is that these management muppets are brazenly breaking the law by promoting their own personal allegiances whilst in what are meant to be politically neutral roles.

'WE SHOULD COPY BORIS & SUPPORT THE TORIES'

‘Copy Boris, support the Conservaties’ agrees Senior Leadership Team

Matters are made worse by the fact that the government these unelected managers SECRETLY CONSPIRE to support is wrecking local government and the safety net of the welfare state.

The very things you’d think Bristol’s council officers should be protecting for its citizens.

There’s only one solution for this kind of shameless behaviour – sack these barmy bosses NOW!

FERGO GOES THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS ON CASTLE PARK CONSULTATION!

Web ExclusiveAs the 18 October deadline looms for public submissions on the ‘Central Area Action Plan’ (which will seal the fate of Castle Park and decide just how much of the city centre green space will be COVERED IN CONCRETE) a recent music festival was an interesting test of the council’s resolve.

Having won a reprieve for its turn-it-into-a-shopping-mall strategy with the knocking back of the Town Green application in 2009, Bristol City Council has since tried to tread softly with the passionate Park Users’ Group. That is, of course, until this weekend just gone, when with less than a month before the CAAP consultation closes they rented out the popular urban park – despite all the public rights of access involved – to £30-a-head commercial event Tokyo Dub. Given infamous local unwillingness to spend money to get into public spaces, and with just sixty security (85% of them from that well-known Bristol neighbourhood Brighton) to watch over a licensed crowd of 5,000 with only rickety Heras fencing to contain them, this was certainly a BOLD MOVE.

CAAP February 2012

CAAP February 2012 (development area in orange)

But it’s by no means the boldest move being made at Castle Park: that honour would appear to go to our old friend MAYOR GEORGE FERGUSON. Despite being a man who as a graduate of the University of Bristol and a qualified architect presumably knows how to use a ruler and read a map, poor old Fergo has been having some proper trouble with sizes and scales when faced with angry Bristolians who accused him of putting Castle Park under threat. Under threat? Fergo?? How!?

Well, by SNEAKILY EXTENDING THE BORDERS of the potential development area. Fergo, though, claimed not to be able to see how the September 2013 ‘Preferred Options’ map of the Castle Park development clearly covers a larger area that that on February 2012’s ‘Options Consultation’ document, which only identified the empty bank buildings and car park at the St Mary-le-Port end of the park as suitable for development. In fact, the February 2012 map even clearly marks out the surrounding parkland as ‘Important Open Space’, signalling its protection.

CAAP September 2013 (development area bounded in white)

CAAP September 2013 (development area bounded in white)

Not so on Fergo’s watch though, as the millionaire mayor made clear in EVER MORE FEVERISH tweets in which he effectively claimed that black was white and up was down… “It’s a decrease [in development size] if anything,” blurted out the panicky Merchant Venturer, before retreating away from the argument as fast as he could.

But then despite his well-cultivated image of being a touchy-feely, save-the-trees kinda guy, Fergo’s was after all the go-to hip architect for the COUNCIL’S PREFERRED DEVELOPERS Deeley Freed, back during Fergo’s pre-mayor days and when they needed a bit of local credibility due to public opinion being very much against them.

This time though it’s Fergo feeling the lash of the public’s tongue – especially now his spin doctor Claudia Jean has left the building (though not before rather unsuccessfully attempting to combine aloofness, charm and hey-guys-I-can-laugh-at-myself sense of humour) leaving Gorgeous George with only LONG-SUFFERING BAG-CARRIER ZOE SEAR to keep him from sticking his foot in his mouth more than once a day (or “setting the news agenda” as those meejah professionals in Shitty Hall like to call it). Whether this will prove a good or a bad thing for Castle Park remains to be seen.

As does the reason behind why a supposed environmentalist like Fergo is so keen to see trees chopped down, green spaces removed from public use and a much-loved park extensively concreted over…

LADY GAGA PORTRAIT JOY

lady Gaga portrait

The BRISTOLIAN can EXCLUSIVELY unveil Bristol City Council’s new official portrait of City Director Nicola “Lady Gaga” Yates, created by local artist and Twitter enthusiast @guriben.

The portrait of the city’s wealthy first lady of local government will accompany all official Bristol City Council announcements and publications by Lady Gaga from Monday and it will also appear on a range of Conservative general election material from next year.

MAYOR FERGO told The BRISTOLIAN, “The portrait is magnificent. It perfectly encapsulates Nicola, her character, intellect and not insubstantial beauty. Well done to Guriben and I look forward to an interpretation of me.”

“Nicola Yates will be responsible for the delivery of the Mayor and council's vision”

“Nicola Yates will be responsible for the delivery of the Mayor and council’s vision,” says £160k Nicola Yates with tongue firmly in cheek

Lady Gaga has been described as “satisfied” with her official portrait and is said to be keen to see the painting displayed in the City Museum and Art Gallery where she may fit in nicely alongside some of  Bristol’s  other famous Conservative political figures like the slave trader EDWARD COLSTON and that old reactionary EDMUND BURKE.

The BRISTOLIAN will be commissioning further portraits from Guriben soon for some of our favourite local government officers such as country boy solicitor LIAM ‘MALFOY’ NEVIN, the less than magical new chief legal officer; ANGIE ‘PAIDWELL’ RIDGWELL, the generously remunerated chief bean counter and a farewell portrait of PR man for himself, PETER ‘CLAUDIA-JEAN’ HOLT.

Have you painted a portrait of your favourite local government officer or councillor? Why not send it in?

The best artistic rendering of GARY HOPKINS will win a prize…

HOLT BOLTS! NO-BALLS GOEBBELS JOINS SHITTY HALL RATS-FROM-SINKING SHIP EXODUS

Outgoing Communication Director Peter Holt and ‘friend’ (identity obscured)

Outgoing Communication Director Peter Holt and ‘friend’ (identity obscured)

And so The BRISTOLIAN, with a tear in its eye, draws your attention to the impending departure of Bristol City Council’s Communication & Marketing Director PETER ‘CLAUDIA JEAN’ HOLT – as EXCLUSIVELY revealed in The BRISTOLIAN!

Yes, the SELF-PROCLAIMED PR GURU – who showed off his muscular messaging abilities by cringing in the corner at an Easton Community Centre neighbourhood meeting back in April as his boss Mayor George Ferguson announced that rioting was okay as long as you did it “in the right way” – is off to “a new and exciting role in London”.

Notorious ALLEGED DOLPHIN-FUCKER Holt – snapped up as a hip-sounding young gun by Bristol City Council back in 2009 – will be trading in his BS8 Clifton Hill pad (average price: £350,000) for an NW8 Clifton Hill mansion (currently averaging £1m for flats up to £4m for houses). It’s almost enough to make you wonder how he could have managed to save up so much whilst working for BCC – has he been rifling around in the back of millionaire Mayor Fergo’s sofa for loose fifties?

Holt: Thinks he's sophisticated spin doctor CJ...

Thinks he’s sophisticated like spin doctor CJ…

Anyway, who could begrudge Claudia Jean – who saw himself as the firm-but-fair White House press secretary CJ from The West Wing, when he was more PJ, the Byker Grove kid blinded in a freak paintball accident – the odd ‘PERK OF THE JOB’? Toiling away on thankless tasks like dealing with constant grunty pocket calls from Gary Hopkins every time he sits on his council-issue smartphone whilst settling down on the office chaise longue to enjoy his ‘special interest’ DVDs; or having to explain to a sobbing Sir Hoyty-Toyty that no, the reason your email doesn’t work isn’t because “the pixies who carry the messages through the internet tubes have died” but because you haven’t turned your PC monitor on.

...But is actually more like squeaky blind Geordie PJ

…But is actually more like squeaky blind Geordie PJ

But don’t panic! You fine people of Bristol have not been forgotten! His Royal Holtness is having a taxpayer-funded leaving do at Council House, and you’re all invited!

He’s asked for RSVPs, but he surely won’t mind those who paid his NOT-INCONSIDERABLE WAGES turning up at Committee Room 15 of the Council House on College Green, from 4:30-6pm. Be sure not to be late – there will be a grand “ambient multi-media presentation” at four five o’ clock, “showing you…unexpected sides of Peter you will never have seen before.” If you can’t make it down to Shitty Hall, you can join the fun on Twitter. He even has his own hashtag: #byebyebristol.

Who could resist?

Stop Press: TREBLES ALL ROUND AS RUNAWAY COUNCIL MANAGERS TROUSER A WEDGE!

Rumours of a Shitty Hall meltdown emerge as news reaches your caring, sharing BRISTOLIAN that no less than THREE senior Bristol City Council senior managers sensationally QUIT last week.

All – apparently – are unable to work any longer in Mayor Fergo’s shambolic ‘rule-by-Twitter’ and ‘manage-by-foolish-announcement-on-BBC-Radio-Bristol’ regime. Sources in the council have also revealed to us that these exits are being accompanied by UNUSUALLY LARGE CASH PAYMENTS from our cash-strapped council to some of the quitters.

The quitters so far identified to The BRISTOLIAN include senior finance boss, Peter ‘Robbin-us’ Robinson; communications boss, Peter ‘Claudia-Jean’ Holt and belly-flopping major projects manager Alun ‘It’s a Fuck Up’ Owen, the man in charge of the rubbish BRT project and who tried, a few years ago, to swap – with the city’s wealthiest man – a piece of our land at Ashton Gate worth millions for a few hundred cut-price health club memberships. A deal he laughably described as “good value”.

In a further extraordinary twist, a source has confirmed to The BRISTOLIAN that Peter Robbin-us, who fled for the shires on Friday, was handed £50,0000 of our money as he went out of the door. This is unusual as Robbin-us, who voluntarily resigned to take up a post in Hereford – deep in the Tory shires where, traditionally, bent accountants have oiled the wheels of commerce and power – would not usually be entitled to a redundancy payment. How many times have you voluntarily put in notice to take up another job and then been rewarded with a massive redundancy payment?

And even if this was a redundancy payment, the amount involved has raised eyebrows. Just three years ago, the council’s former Chief Exec, the BRADFORD SUN QUEEN, Jan Ormondroyd introduced strict limits on redundancy payments to senior managers ensuring all payments were capped to reflect a pay maximum of £35,0000 a year, less than half Robbin-us’s generous wage. So even in the unlikely event Robbin-us was entitled to the maximum amount of redundancy over the maximum time period, he’s still received an amount of our money some 50% over his entitlement!

Our source confirms that this is because Robbin-us did not receive redundancy at all. Instead he was paid handsomely for signing a COMPROMISE AGREEMENT with a convenient GAGGING CLAUSE agreed by Mayor Fergo’s new City Director Nicola ‘LADY GAGA’ Yates, who has a bit of form for shutting her staff up. Such agreements should be used to settle genuine legal disputes not cover-up dodgy public money payments to senior bosses. However, any details of this agreement are conveniently now secret thanks to this little clause in the deal:

Secrecy

What a joke! Bristol City Council has effectively GAGGED ITSELF from discussing with the public, its councillors or journalists its own dodgy pay outs to its former managers. Where’s the accountability? This news comes just a few months after a national scandal over the city’s excessive use of compromise deals to gag staff, which had senior managers assuring councillors that these deals  “are only ever used in exceptional circumstances”.

Yeah. An exceptional circumstance like when they want to give one of their mates a generous, top secret pay-off.

Staff at the council, meanwhile, are said to be livid at the deal. Robin-us’s reputation at Shitty Hall is appalling. In the last year he’s purchased a new finance system from Agilisys, “one of the UK’s most innovative IT and business services providers”, as part of a £40m outsourcing deal, which has been described to the BRISTOLIAN reliably as, “a load of shit that doesn’t work … that must have been bought by a cretin who’s never operated a computer before”.

He’s also DELIBERATELY DRAGGED HIS FEET over locating £165k missing from the council’s Markets Service (BRISTOLIAN passim). Insiders tell us, “he’s more interested in COVERING HIS MIDDLE MANAGEMENT CRONIES’ ARSES than the sound management of public money.”

While so degraded was Robin-us’s financial management culture that his own internal auditors, responsible for investigating irregularity, fraud and corruption, are now openly admitting that they can no longer protect whistleblowers from what’s been described to us as A SLEAZY CULTURE OF MANAGEMENT BULLYING AND COVER-UP”.

So, while kids go hungry, families queue at food banks and our streets remain uncleaned you can rest assured that our local authority’s former senior managers are all doing just fine, thanks.

SEE The BRISTOLIAN #4.7 (out in October) FOR EVEN MORE:

  • Robin-us’s parting shot the finance boss’s exit plan to slash our services and create a Barnet-style ‘easyCouncil’
  • The Sun Queen’s pay-offhow Jan Ormondroyd avoided her own redundancy rules to trouser her own secret wedge

GUS AGAINST THE WORLD: FROM ‘EH?’ TO RPZ

Welcome to the Hoyty-Toyty World of Bristol Politics!

MONDAY:

First meeting of the new four-strong city council Green Group and it went very well indeed. We almost fill a small corner of a Committee Room now! We covered everything from how totally opposed we are to any of the cuts we vote for, to hammering out some VERY SERIOUS POLICY POSITIONS.

First in the in-tray was the super controversial Resident Parking Zones. After some frank, open discussion and very serious debate, and with brilliant input from all our councillors, we agreed a consensus policy on the issue. Basically, on the first and third Wednesdays of each month, we are totally in favour of the Resident Parking Zones. We will meet again next week to hammer out what to do if there’s a fifth Wednesday in the month. On weekdays – except, obviously, the first and third Wednesdays – when the sun shines we are against the parking zones. On weekends, regardless of the weather, we think it should be left for the communities affected to decide.

We then had a vigorous debate about rainy days and Mondays, except – obviously – any rainy first and third Wednesdays and all days on weekends – but remain undecided.

We agreed to come back to the issue next week after George had made his mind up about it all anyway. We’ve also drawn up an EXTENSIVE COMMUNICATIONS STRATEGY on the issue to cascade to all Bristol Green Party members. It reads:

IT’S NOTHING TO DO WITH US – BLAME GEORGE.

Tried to pop in to see George afterwards but he was busy in a meeting with the very independently-minded MR PERRY FROM CLIFTON, so he asked me to come back tomorrow.

TUESDAY:

Popped back up to the third floor to see George this morning and bumped straight in to a beaming MR HOLT clutching a handful of BRISTOLIANs and shouting at me, “Have you seen it? Have you seen it? I’m in it!” I congratulated him and he skipped off to show ANGIE RIDGWELL. It must be said that being called by a girl’s name in The BRISTOLIAN may well turn out to be Peter’s crowning achievement from his time in the city.

Tried to see George but he was with Mr Perry again. Indeed Mr Perry was sitting in George’s Eames chair with his feet up on his desk while George appeared to be standing listening intently. In my opinion Mr Perry was very rude telling me to go away as they were busy running the city.

WEDNESDAY:

Tried to see George again. When I got to the third floor I could hear raised voices or, rather, a raised voice that sounded rather like Mr Perry’s. It was something to do with resident parking I think and the words “Stop dithering! Just bloody get on with it, you useless red-trousered old” something-or-other.

Mostly I could hear what they were saying, but I have never heard of a ‘STANKWAIN’ before, and it’s not in My First Illustrated Dictionary. When I tapped on George’s door he immediately opened it and shouted at me to – and even as I write this I’m blushing – “Eff-you-see-kay off and stop stalking me!”

Charming! After everything I’ve done for him. That’s the last time I iron his silk pyjamas as a favour before one of his late-night list-ticking sessions.

THURSDAY:

Decided it was time to start focusing on my new cabinet portfolio. Started with council housing today and explained in detail to the council housing boss MR PALMER how I wanted a wraparound strategy to retrofit our housing for the forthcoming environmental apocalypse in place ASAP. In the meantime I told Mr Palmer to set up a Twitter account to talk up solar panels and cavity wall insulation.

Mr Palmer said he thought his housing officers would be “thrilled” by my “creative approach” as it would make a change from all that depressing Bedroom Tax Spare Room Subsidy stuff. He also invited me to his leaving do, as he’s going next Tuesday. “Who’ll be in charge then?” I asked. He just laughed and said, “SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY, GUS!”

FRIDAY:

Tried to find out today who’s in charge of the city’s council housing from next Tuesday. Nobody seemed very sure. Also bumped into my new Cabinet colleague MRS MASSEY in the corridor this afternoon. She was trying to find out who was now in charge of education as the excellent MRS HUDSON was also leaving. We both decided to call it a day and go to the cider bar at Eat, Drink, Bristol.

SUNDAY:

Attended the Reed Service at St Mary Redcliffe Church today. It’s a special ceremony for us councillors, and a great opportunity to dress up. Someone asked me if I was a Christian and I did my usual response of staring at the ground and shuffling about a bit before changing the subject. As it was the weekend, I just said, “I think the communities affected should decide on parking zones, don’t you?”

But George didn’t find it funny, though.