DROOPER PLAYS THE FERRET SHIT GAMBIT

FERRET SHIT GAMBIT web

While homelessness in the city has increased by 40 PER CENT in a year and the housing crisis grips tighter, the council’s useless Tory boy housing boss, NICK “DROOPER” HOOPER seems to have found himself far more important things to do than deal with these … Such as setting up a, er, SPY NETWORK to catch council tenants he dislikes!

Over at Antona Court in Shire, residence of local firebrand and friend of the Bristolian Steve “The Avon Mouth” Norman, Drooper seems to have set up an INTELLIGENCE NETWORK with the sole aim of skewering Steve for er, something or other.

Last year Drooper THREATENED Steve, registered disabled, with EVICTION for parking his car too near a door at Antona Court soon after he had had threatened Steve with an ASBO for delivering a letter to his councillor in Avonmouth Library.

The eviction threat was hastily dropped, however, when Steve instructed Drooper to cease his “FUTILE BULLYING EXERCISE” and take him to court and evict him if he had a case. A course of action Drooper appears to not want to pursue. Wonder why?

Since then, Drooper’s brilliant spy network has uncovered lots of wrongdoing at Antona Court such as an ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS car repair business working from the car park; an ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS drug dealer in the block and an ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS sub letting resident!

However, not one to get deterred by having poor quality fabricated evidence exposed, Drooper simply widened his net across Antona Court to unearth all kinds of entirely NON-CRIMINAL ACTIVITY among the tenants such as a resident who hoards stuff; dog shit on the grass outside the flats and even a woman who keeps ferrets!

Unfortunately we’re unable to confirm, at this stage, whether those ferrets are shitting on the lawn too. Or whether Drooper has launched an expensive HIGH LEVEL INVESTIGATION with a view to issuing the world’s first ferret shit-related eviction threat in the history of social housing? If that doesn’t earn Drooper his £15k a year “uplift band” then what will? (solving the city’s homeless problem? ed.)

But how is Drooper obtaining all this top quality intelligence? Well, a brief saunter around the perimeter of Antona Court reveals that ONE RESIDENT – and one resident only – has taken delivery of a brand new garden box courtesy of Drooper’s housing department. Why would that be?

Is Drooper running a garden furniture for DAFT INFORMATION ring out of Antona Court? And will the council give us all a couple of deckchairs and some pot plants if we phone in our ferret shit-related concerns direct to Drooper? (Call 0117 922 4681 quoting ‘ferret shit emergency’).

We also understand that this lucky Antona Court resident has now been instructed by Drooper’s SHADOWY AGENTS (or Estate Management, Housing Services,North, Temple Street, ed.) to keep a diary of events at Antona Court, which we’re really looking forward to reading. Our own spies tell us that it might feature sensational revelations about residents’ friends visiting during daylight hours and people using the communal laundry after 8.00pm.

Clearly this entirely normal behaviour by council tenants must be stamped out and order restored at Antona Court.

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