Business West – where that pair of old Merchant Venturer public sector looters, Colin “Toryboy” Skellett and John “Ignoble” Savage, have recently joined the board – announce that this whole ‘net zero’ schtick could provide a £9.2bn “opportunity” for local business.
What are these “biggest opportunities since the coming of the railway” for the wealthy then? One of them is the council’s City Leap programme where a lucky multinational get’s to build and own unregulated heat networks in the city and charge customers – who are forced by planning regulations to sign up – what they decide.
Horror stories about heat networks are already emerging. At Sutton Council’s SDEN heat network, residents who paid up to £600k for new homes were promised cheap, clean and reliable heat and hot water.
Instead they are paying twice the price of any other heating on the market for a gas powered system that broke down twelve times in a year!
Encouraged by Ms Townsend and the usual suspects from parish’s OFSTED
‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart Academy, a small unrepresentative minority of
the congregation, sacrilegiously opposed to free market innovation, sensible
change and inclusive growth, are behind another silly whispering campaign from
They are opposing our shared congregational vision, in partnership with
expert corporate developers and consultants from London, for
competitively-priced chipboard homes and a cleaner air new road on the surplus
scrubland of church-owned St Marvin’s Meadows. This is an innovative
transformational future proofing project vital to our shared ‘One Parish
Vision’, championed by my good friend and shadow Parish Committee member, Mr
Sweetland, ably assisted by the good Christians of consulting firm Arup
on a highly competitive day rate.
This project will challenge the climate emergency, address the parish’s
housing crisis and provide homes for decent Christian parishioners able to
financially support our growing church and exploit fair admissions at St
Snoot’s Academy, the parish’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ high performing religious
secondary school. As my mentor the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious
anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “crisis and
emergency are the Lord’s way to improve the bank balances of the worthy.”
The campaign opposing this, meanwhile, is promoting a number of
JFK-style conspiracy theories. For example, we all already know that St
Marvin’s Meadows is a flood plain but this will not be a problem according to
Mr Molton, our parish’s regeneration services professional kept on a generous
retainer to ignore problems such as this. Indeed, as Mr Molton very cleverly
pointed out at one of our closed meetings in London with our secret investor
team, “Floods never did Noah any harm.”
Campaigners’ complaints that moving the St Marvin’s bypass out of open
countryside, better suited to inclusive climate emergency residential homes
with sensational countryside views, and closer to St Marvin’s Meadows and
nearby council housing are similarly without merit. As are complaints that this
is in any way a “done deal”. Our friends at Arup and our secret
investors have simply supplied us with an objective factual appraisal that is
inarguably correct and the only sensible way forward if we want to solve
parish’s housing crisis and stand down the climate from its emergency status.
However in order to better demonstrate this, I am setting up an
objective and independent panel of myself, Mr Molton, Mr Sweetland, Parishioner
Mr Savage – who you all know for running unsuccessfully for election to the
parish committee on 58 separate occasions – and Parish Committee Chairman, Mr
Jackson. Together we will independently appraise the option and confirm it is
going ahead in everybody’s best interests. This should spell the end of any
further noise on this matter from the back pews.