Monthly Archives: May 2018

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #14

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Some of you may have heard that a number of lay members of our underperforming Parish Committee are complaining that their private posts on the St-Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent’s Facebook Group have been passed to Mr Walsh from Leeds, my interim Head of People Solutioning. Mr Walsh is an excellent appointment and his personal service company, Bootfill HR Solutions, is performing valuable work on agile process transformation for the parish at his competitive market rate.

It is therefore unfortunate if certain members of the Parish Committee have used private and confidential Facebook pages to describe the brilliant Mr Walsh as a “greedy Tory bastard” or “a useless cretin in a dreadful suit with all the intellect of a small hedgehog” or “that gross piece of incompetent right wing shit”.

Mr Walsh is now in possession of all this material – and more – and he is perfectly within his rights to take action against lay members of the Parish Committee who have clearly defamed his good name and expensive suits. If any lay members of the underperforming Parish Committee are not happy about any of this, then I suggest they take it up with St-Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent’s Parish Committee who, apparently, released the material to Mr Walsh. I should add there’s no point in going to the police about this because Mr McCourt from Kettering, who I keep on a retainer to provide expensive legal advice to Ms Daya, our Head of Canon Law, says this type of stolen material is not a concern for the police and you would be totally wasting their time.

Finally, while I am a member of the St-Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent’s Facebook Group myself, I would like to assure everyone I have no idea how Mr Walsh might have obtained this confidential material about lay members of the Parish Committee that I can’t stand the sight of and would like to see dismissed. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “a happy coincidence is the Lord working in mysterious ways”! And that’s my last comment on the matter. Good luck Mr Walsh!

March’s snow event was an opportunity to roll out our the parish’s business continuity plans with myself and Mr Slocombe acting as joint Gold Leaders. Aside from the church car park being an inaccessible ice rink for three days and the unfortunate incident where Mrs Oldfellow, one of our fine parish seniors, broke both her hips, our plans ran smoothly. The parish leadership team, currently led by Ms Jensen from Birmingham our Head of Virtue working as acting Head of Agile in accordance with Mr Slocombe’s excellent new parish leadership rota system, is calling on everyone to reflect on what we’ve learned and review and update business continuity plans accordingly.

What wonderful advice. I shall be reflecting hard and, maybe, we should all reflect a little more and be less rude about expert parish leaders going about making their business making a simple living don’t you think? Until next time, god bless most of you.

The Vicar

ON THE DEATH OF MARTIN CONNOLLY, LANDLEECH & PARASITE

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It was with great sadness that The BRISTOLIAN heard last week about the passing of Martin Connolly, former owner of Bristol’s CONNOLLY & CALLAGHAN property speculators – or “a family-run property business, creating homes that make a difference to people’s lives” as their online spin-waffle goes.

We are told he died of a heart attack, no doubt brought about by the sheer volume of cash being emptied into his bank account by Bristol City Council’s “strategic directors” for all the neoliberal landleeching that C&C is doing for it. Surely The Reverend Mayor could have been more considerate to the health of BCC’s favourite outsourced “emergency housing provider”, and avoided the shock that such a vast increase in his profit margins would cause him?

The BRISTOLIAN would like to remind readers of some of the qualities and contributions Mr Connolly brought to us in his long and illustrious career. Where does one start? Is it in the rip-off prices and spurious service charges he charged and his “family run-business” CONTINUES to charge BCC to house the homeless?

Is it the mothers evicted from C&C properties at Carpenters Place, Knowle West, in 2016? Is it the financial collapse of the “charity” he funded called Bristol Housing Foundation (BFH) in 2013? Or is it the ongoing sale of community space at Hamilton House on Stokes Croft by C&C to build luxury apartments?

“But we don’t stop there”, as the marketspeak on the C&C website attests, so perhaps the crowning achievement of Mr Connolly’s “strong social ethos” and will to “provide shelter for the vulnerable” had to be that North Street homeless hostel in 2016 where the basement was running with raw sewage, the bedrooms overrun with vermin, where exposed electric cables dangled, and holes in the outside wall were so big you could stick your arm through. Now that’s what you call really making a difference to people’s lives.

DISCLAIMER: In case of confusion we must establish that, despite his name, Martin Connolly bears NO relation whatsoever to James Connolly, the revolutionary socialist, trades unionist, syndicalist and Irish freedom fighter murdered by the British army in Dublin, 1916.