‘Everyone’s Favourite Bully’
Former Bristol Labour Chair Darren Eurwyn Lewis, watercolours & ink, 2013, @guriben
BRISTOLIAN GALLERY: ‘EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE BULLY’ BY @GURIBEN
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Category Archives: Culture Vulture
BRISTOLIAN GALLERY: ‘RAN OUT OF GREEN/ENERGY’ BY @GURIBEN
‘Ran Out Of Green/Energy’
Councillor Sir Augustus Hoyty-Toyty, watercolours, 2013, @guriben
BRISTOLIAN GALLERY: ‘GEORGIE BOY’ BY @GURIBEN
THE BRISTOLIAN PICTURE GALLERY IS NOW OPEN!
At the weekend we published angry twitter person @guriben‘s fine painting of Bristol City Council’s £160,000 Chief Executive City Director Nicola ‘Lady Gaga’ Yates, which beautifully captured her essence.
Since then, BRISTOLIAN readers have been sending us yet more municipal masterpieces… So let us direct you to the new Gallery page over yonder – cue the relaxing music…
LADY GAGA PORTRAIT JOY
The BRISTOLIAN can EXCLUSIVELY unveil Bristol City Council’s new official portrait of City Director Nicola “Lady Gaga” Yates, created by local artist and Twitter enthusiast @guriben.
The portrait of the city’s wealthy first lady of local government will accompany all official Bristol City Council announcements and publications by Lady Gaga from Monday and it will also appear on a range of Conservative general election material from next year.
MAYOR FERGO told The BRISTOLIAN, “The portrait is magnificent. It perfectly encapsulates Nicola, her character, intellect and not insubstantial beauty. Well done to Guriben and I look forward to an interpretation of me.”
“Nicola Yates will be responsible for the delivery of the Mayor and council’s vision,” says £160k Nicola Yates with tongue firmly in cheek
Lady Gaga has been described as “satisfied” with her official portrait and is said to be keen to see the painting displayed in the City Museum and Art Gallery where she may fit in nicely alongside some of Bristol’s other famous Conservative political figures like the slave trader EDWARD COLSTON and that old reactionary EDMUND BURKE.
The BRISTOLIAN will be commissioning further portraits from Guriben soon for some of our favourite local government officers such as country boy solicitor LIAM ‘MALFOY’ NEVIN, the less than magical new chief legal officer; ANGIE ‘PAIDWELL’ RIDGWELL, the generously remunerated chief bean counter and a farewell portrait of PR man for himself, PETER ‘CLAUDIA-JEAN’ HOLT.
Have you painted a portrait of your favourite local government officer or councillor? Why not send it in?
The best artistic rendering of GARY HOPKINS will win a prize…
TOP COP CALLS FOR MARTIAL LAW AT ST. PAUL’S CARNIVAL!
On the eve of ST. PAUL’S CARNIVAL (or St. Paul’s Festival for our older readers) word reaches us that Chief Constable NICK ‘GRIPPER’ GARGAN has demanded that organisers flood the streets of the inner city district with FORMER SQUADDIES!
The top cop – whose SHADOWY time at the National Criminal Intelligence Service (NCIS) and then later at the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) is thought to touch on the ‘police spy’ scandal – threatened to pull Avon & Somerset Constabulary support from the all-day community event, unless ex-military security was used.
It follows similar STRONGARM TACTICS used by A&S to bully Carnival in previous years, including telling committee members that they would be held responsible for any trouble at the huge event, which draws scores of thousands from across Bristol and beyond – or even prosecuted.
Meanwhile in true nice cop/nasty cop fashion, on Thursday the force’s public relations gurus released a fluffy statement (entitled ‘Cops calypso at Carnival’) about how “officers and PCSOs will be enjoying the sounds, sights and smells of St Pauls Carnival with party-goers this Saturday.”
There was of course no mention of bully-boy Gargan’s behind-the-scenes attempts to militarise the streets of BS2, though Bristol’s finest bogling bobby, district commander Chief Superintendent Jon Stratford, was quoted as saying:
Carnival is set to be even bigger and better than ever this year. The sun is set to shine and carnival organisers have been working hard with us for months to make sure it’s a safe and successful event.
Well, that’s one way of putting it!
SIR GUS TACKLES BRISTOL’S ENORMOUS ARTS HOLE
MONDAY:
Finally saw George for our 10 o’clock at 11.30am when he finally arrived for work, apologising as he’d been up late with Zoe list-ticking again. They seem to have so many lists and so much to tick!
But at last I finally got to lay out to George the Bristol Green Party’s ideas for the new arena. He appeared very excited by our proposals for an all-wooden structure with a THATCHED ROOF POWERED BY WIND. Although he did have some reservations, such as what would happen when there’s no wind to power the amplifiers.
The solution is simple but brilliant. Top bands from around the world would simply have to do acoustic sets. What better way to put Bristol on the map than as the international home of the impromptu acoustic gig? “Imagine,” I said to George, “Take That with just Gary on piano, Robbie playing a bit of acoustic guitar and Jason, Mark and Howard doing the harmonies. That’s not something you see every day.”
“I guess not,” said George, who then went very quiet, overwhelmed by the groundbreaking consequences. He brightened up considerably when I pointed out that there were also some interesting sustainable employment spin-offs from our plan such as the potential for the reintroduction of the artisan craft of thatching to Britain with Bristol as its epicentre.
Before I left I also put in a special request from the younger members of the Green Party who really want to see the exciting folk-rock act Mumford & Sons do the honours at the grand opening of the arena. George, who is a big fan, was thrilled at the suggestion.
I know this is going to come as a big upset to some our older Bristol Green Party members who had been holding out for a reformed Lindisfarne to appear, but hey fellas! You got to move with the times.
It’s forward not back at George’s City Hall!!
TUESDAY:
A fantastic day. Green Party leader Natalie Bennett visited Bristol today to support our local election campaign. She was superb. OK, as a former Guardian journalist she might be prone to making embarrassing spelling errors (but who isn’t?) and utterly clueless about foreign policy, but she’ll happily sympathise for hours with whingeing school teachers and moaning social workers.
Natalie was especially keen to get our “total opposition to the cuts” message across and she dealt with any challenges supremely well. When asked why if we were totally opposed to cuts did we vote for them in Bristol she gave the questioner a FUNNY LITTLE SMILE and then rushed off to find a school teacher to moan at her. What a professional.
We all know how to say one thing at election time and do another at George’s City Hall!
WEDNESDAY:
Attended a ‘Keep Sundays Special’ Project Meeting at City Hall.
Exciting times seeing George’s plan to create a traffic-free environment on Sundays come to fruition thanks to a crack council officer team. We’re now at the detail and delivery phase and it’s great to see a proper ‘one council’ approach in action. Mr Mann the traffic boss has agreed to shut three roads at a cost of just £190,000, which is a great deal. Mr Holt, Head of Press and Marketing, knows a face painter and someone who knows someone who knows a unicyclist. George’s friend in Southville will make 100 yards of cloth bunting for us, and Mr Morris, the Markets Manager, says he’s got EIGHT ARTISAN CAKE STALLS lined up already – and even promised to personally come in every Sunday to collect the stall fees (cash only please!) himself. What commitment.
We’re still on the lookout for jugglers and Morris Dancers so give us a shout if you can help.
We love dancing with bells on our toes at George’s City Hall!
FRIDAY:
Back at work after yesterday’s special social media course (George’s idea) after that minor thing the other day when I was accidentally racist. And it worked! No major diplomatic incidents, plus Mr Holt taught me how to write ‘BOOBLESS’ on a calculator.
It’s a digital wonderland, George’s City Hall!
GEORGE’S MARVELLOUS MIX-UP
[youtube=http://youtu.be/WUGLUkKKvcE]
BRISTOL’S RICH ARTS CULTURE: NO AUSTERITY FOR COLSTON HALL’S MARIE ANTOINETTE
Not content with scooping £20 million of public money for the ‘Crashlanded Flying Saucer’ foyer refurbishment a few years back, Bristol’s leading arts-venue-named-after-a-slave-trader COLSTON HALL now has its hand out for a slice of that sweet tasting £1.4 billion Regional Growth Fund pie.
Chief Executive of the Bristol Music Trust – which took over the running of Colston Hall from the council in 2011 – LOUISE ‘MARIE ANTOINETTE’ MITCHELL reckons she deserves £30 million from the RGF to tart up the Hall because:
Bristol is the wealthiest city outside London and we should have a cultural and arts scene that reflects that.
It’s pretty plain to see that she does not see Colston Hall as a place for ordinary Bristolians, but a playground for the rich to rattle their jewellery at touring jesters and minstrels. Obviously in Mitchell’s world wealthy people are hard done by and so need a bigger and shinier pleasure palace in which to doss about flaunting their cultural superiority – paid for by the rest of us, of course.
It’s not just the public purse she’s chasing for cash, though. She’s also brought in a new sponsorship programme, presumably so companies can get their branding onto the Hall’s toilet paper or speaker cables or something. First to take up her offer is filthy rich wealth management firm Brewin Dolphin, which again says something about who Marie Antoinette thinks deserves to be in Colston Hall.
Of course, chucking money at bricks and mortar doesn’t create more culture. And anyway, shouldn’t our cultural centres reflect all Bristol, offering access to all – not as an afterthought or a quaint bleeding-heart piece about ‘their struggle’ – like so many smaller, financially poorer venues across the city do?
Not if Mitchell has her way. But then this is a person who barely conceals her contempt that many associate her Hall with slave trader Edward Colston:
I do find it frustrating and there is a lot of misunderstanding about the building. People think it was paid for with money made from the slave trade which is not true. It was called Colston Hall because it was built on Colston Street.
Thanks for correcting us poor uneducated types without your six years’-worth of university and more than thirty years in arts management, Louise.
But, errr, why exactly do you think Colston Street is so named…?