Tag Archives: parking

NUTS CUTS

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The £20m of cuts announced by the Reverend Rees for next year mainly seem to confirm that he has now gone totally insane. Among the nutty highlights we’ve spotted so far:

  • An inexplicable £4m cut to the Adult Care budget will appear if HomeChoice prioritise people with adult social care needs on the housing register.
  • A proposal from an unnamed member of the Labour administration to cut trade union facility time by 75 per cent. That means union reps will have no time to represent staff directly affected by cuts from a Labour administration.
  • Lots more cuts are proposed by HRH Helen of Holland overseeing Adult Care. This is despite her failure to deliver £4m of the £6m cuts she proposed last year.
  • Transport guru, “Tweedle” Don Alexander, will attempt to increase council revenue by about £2.5m from Residents Parking Zones (RPZ) and car parking. Tweedle Don has lost about £5.4m in income from these so far this year.
  • Asher “The Slasher” Craig proposes charging a fee to parents who are contacted by her Education Welfare Service about their child’s school attendance. Will she discover parents are suddenly uncontactable?
  • Finance kingpin, Craig “Crapita” Cheney, officially the stupidest man in Bristol, is opening a rooftop bar at the M Shed to make £85k a year.
  • Asher the Slasher is supporting young people by slashing youth services budgets by £400k.
  • Government money for Public Health will be spent on wages for the Reverend’s evangelical pals in his City Office instead. He will also pass a begging bowl around ‘external partners’ to see if they’re up for funding an office full of evangelical loonies at the Counts Louse.
  • Cabinet Pied Piper Nicola “La La” Beech is to deliver pest control in “different ways”.

We’ll let you know as we find more of these inanities over the coming months.

NO PARKING PLEASE IT’S HOUSING

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No parkingWe hear a private meeting in February organised by Mayor Desperation to encourage the city’s LEADING RESIDENTIAL LANDLORDS to take on social housing tenants didn’t quite go as our hapless mayor might have planned.

Our man close to the property business tells us, “George rolled in and delivered a confident, if brief, speech BEGGING LANDLORDS TO TAKE ON COUNCIL TENANTS, which was politely received.”

However, problems soon emerged when landlords started asking some fairly basic questions of George and, “it became apparent George was hopelessly unbriefed on the subject of housing, lettings and tenancy and COULDN’T ANSWER THE QUESTIONS.”

Matters then took a turn for the worse when one landlord piped up, “Well, it might help if we could actually PARK outside the homes we’re trying to rent out.”

A red-faced and, now, visibly fuming mayor angrily shouted back “THIS IS NOT A MEETING ABOUT CAR PARKING“.

Bad move. The meeting broke up immediately in disarray as the majority of the attendees simply upped and headed for the exit to escape from the RUDE AND CLUELESS mayor.

It therefore looks HIGHLY UNLIKELY the private sector will be looking to take on any one from the council’s waiting list in the near future.

Another example of the excellent inter-personal skills and fine negotiation and persuasion talents by our charmless mayor there then.

CUT THE POLICE

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Things have got so bad even the OLD BILL are having to face cuts to services, just like the rest of us. Senior coppers have been on my radio bemoaning the fact that the days of the “BOBBY ON THE BEAT” are over (I’m feeling a bit safer already).

Don’t fret too much though. There will always be enough of them to kick your head in if you have the audacity to COMPLAIN about the system we are living under.

Just try demonstrating against poverty, the dismantling of our health service or bombing some corner of the world and loads of Old Bill will turn up, armed to the teeth ready to do you some real damage. All on fucking OVERTIME of course.

Not even Thatcher cut the thin blue line. Politicians need someone to defend their right to take the piss. However, the Old Bill have come up with a CUNNING PLAN to try to cover their budget cuts and it involves you.

One young man contacted the Bristolian about a fine. He was caught parking where he was not supposed to. He put his hands up – to save getting tasered – and accepted an on-the-spot fine. The copper assured him it would only be £100, roughly a month’s child benefit.

A few days later he got a bill for £400. This amounted to the original fine, £200 court costs and £100 ‘VICTIM SURCHARGE’. So yellow fucking lines are victims now are they?

Since he had not been anywhere near a COURT and had accepted his guilt, he did the rational thing and contacted the Avon and Somerset Police to explain their mistake. Only to be told they were sending the bailiffs around.

He explained that he lived with his Mum and Dad so then they demanded his car! They couldn’t have that either. It was on finance and therefore still owned by the garage.

Once the Old Bill had finished trying to mug the distraught teenager, they admitted that he had the RIGHT TO APPEAL. This is ongoing.

Avid readers of The Bristolian will remember that in some parts of Bristol – the poor parts basically – VICTIMS have to investigate their own burglaries and criminal damage. Plod will arrive, give you a crime number and blithely tell you to keep your eyes peeled and let them know if you find out anything.

They’re obviously far too busy seizing people’s property to pay for fines for misdemeanours to worry about burglary. Just try pleading not guilty these days, and see how much that will cost you. But that’s another story.

Have you been a victim of this type of state mugging? Drop us a line on one of the contact addresses and we will deal with it in confidence.

FULLY CHARGED?

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DOING their best to prove opponents of resident parking schemescorrect, Bristol City Council has quietly slammed a 20 PERCENT INCREASE on to car parking charges at ashton Court without explanation.

A “small” car parking charge of £1 was first introduced therein 2012 despite considerable opposition. Now, within two years, comes the first (“small”?) INCREASE IN THE CHARGE, which can only be intended to raise revenue and fill the council’s coffers.

How long before similar increases are introduced for residents parking schemes then? Although any such price rise could surely only be for the purpose of improving air quality for our children and preventing commuters driving to work?

Perish the thought that our council would lie to us using green waffle and use residents car parking as a crude cash raising operation.