I trust you all had an optimal summer and managed to get away to a few exotic locations on generous expenses, as I did, for some quiet prayer, reflection and contemplation and to help prepare for the trials and tribulations ahead identified by the parish’s senior leadership team at our recent ‘One Parish’ horizon scanning event. Have you, too, noticed how the dark winter evenings are beginning to descend upon our souls like a spectre haunting Europe?
As most of you are aware, my fixed term contract with the parish is up for renewal in May and, ridiculously, I will have to reapply for a job where I have consistently driven senior leadership excellence. While I know I can rely on most sensible parishioners to support me, I am aware that there are weak-minded waverers among you. But rest assured, any waverers are on Mr Slocombe’s special list and will be receiving a ‘comfort and reflection’ visit from my One Parish Encouragement Team in the coming weeks.
No doubt you are as disappointed as I am that some parishioners have decided to apply to be vicar themselves. I’m talking about Ms Page, already widely regarded in the parish as a socially and sexually deviant woman without husband whose lack of attendance at our cake sale events while brazenly attending local pubs to smoke cigars and talk about bridges with men is well known. And I’m talking about you, too, Mr Hore-Ruthven. Let’s face it, your role on the Parish Committee supposedly supporting young parishioners has, frankly, been a costly and disastrous failure and has led many ordinary parishioners to just point and laugh whenever you swagger past them trying to portray yourself as the only moral guardian in the parish.
I’m also led to believe that Mr Weston, the representative for small business and golfing matters on the Parish Committee, is after my job. Although I can’t help thinking his time and energy might be better spent on a serious weight loss programme. Then there’s Ms Townsend and her ragbag of troublemakers, terrorists and rumour mongers at the parish’s OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart Academy – now joined by rowdy elements from the Cumberland Basin, Stoke Bishop, Whitchurch and Hotwells – still attempting to undermine my leadership with Brexit campaign-like sabotage tactics.
They will not win, I shall prevail. My mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon’s letter from a Birmingham, Alabama whorehouse comes to mind at times like these :
“I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the stumbling block in our stride toward heaven on Earth is not the racist, the homophobe, the misogynist, the conservative or the free market liberal but the leftie troublemaker- often the schoolteacher, the local historian, the trade unionist or that annoying jackass who does something techie I don’t understand – who just doesn’t know when to shut up and do what they’re told by senior leaders.”
Fear not, together we will overcome and I will rise again unto a senior leadership role among you.
Efforts to add a so-called ‘corrective plaque’ to Edward Colston’s statue on the Centre have descended into farce thanks to INTERFERENCE from our local bat shit crazy rich mans’ club, the SOCIETY OF MERCHANT VENTURERS, desperate to defend the reputation of their slave trading hero.
The idea behind a corrective plaque was to stop the constant – and often entertaining – VANDALISM of the statue by members of the public. Over the years we’ve woken up to find the statue yarn bombed, with its face painted white, with graffiti scrawled across it and with various corrective plaques superglued to it, usually LISTING COLSTON CAREER HIGHLIGHTS the current plaque misses out.
To address this, last year, the council hired historian Dr Madge Dresser to work with young people to produce a second plaque for the statue. Plenty of ideas came back highlighting Colston’s role in the SLAVE TRADE as well as aspects of his political, religious, charitable and business life that are OVERLOOKED on the existing plaque from the Victorian era.
Dr Dresser delivered her ideas to Peter “Arse” Insole, an architectural officer at the council and then the trouble started. The Venturers immediately employed AMATEUR HISTORIAN Francis Greenacre to LOBBY Insole on their behalf and an unknown number of private meetings between Insole and Greenacre with neither notes nor minutes retained have taken place.
Now, we’re reliably informed, the following information will definitely not appear on any new plaque: any reference to Colston being a TORY; any mention of the SOCIETY OF MERCHANT VENTURERS; the number of children TRANSPORTED by Colston’s ships; the number of children who DIED on Colston’s ships; any mention of Colston’s religious and political BIGOTRY; any mention of Colston’s involvement in the SPANISH SLAVE TRADE and any mention of his INSIDER TRADING in South Seas Company.
Never mind, we’ll all just have to go back to vandalising the Venturer’s reactionary monstrosity instead.