The usual suspects in my congregation have now started making sub-optimal noise about my infrequent trips to the United States to bear witness alongside my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon. These visits to the Pastor Loon’s southern California ranch with the two swimming pools (one with an impressive outdoor bar area), a gym, a state-of-the-art home cinema and, of course, the breathtaking  Soft Porn Renaissance Chapel styled by Jeff Koons are vitally important prayer retreats. Yes, I’m often accompanied by my communications specialist Mr Slocombe and the slightly nutty Miss Molano, our church’s Faith Advisor, and, yes, some mainly harmless mildly satanic practices led by Pastor Loon and very enthusiastically embraced by Miss Molano do sometimes occur. All that is happening, however, is that myself and your senior church leaders are taking the opportunity, just four or five times a year, to get an ecumenical buff and a spiritual replenish. All to better deliver your religious needs at St Marvin’s. What is there to complain about here?

Some of you have raised the issue of Pastor Loon’s attitude to abortion after that unfortunate report in the Washington Post last month regarding his widely misinterpreted ‘genocidal holocaust’ remarks. Isn’t it easy for journalists to take the complex ideas underpinning our faith, remove any context and then twist our wise words so that they become what they may not mean? But let me assure you that as your Reverend and a Christian I remain substantially committed to an idea of abortion as practice. Can I be any more unequivocal than that? Some of you have also queried aspects of the Reverend Loon’s lifestyle such as his five wives, his private jet, his close links to the arms trade and his recent claim that “Climate change is a Jewish-Communist plot”. To quote Pastor Loon, “I’m Only My Brother’s Keeper If My Brother Is My Sheep” and Pastor Loon is clearly not a sheep. So what have his personal lifestyle choices got to do with me? Please, let’s not covet thy neighbours’ lives. Let’s instead live our simple lives better unto the glory of god.

Finally, I have received some negative comments regarding the Pastor Loon’s fantastic recent book “How Big Money and the Markets Can Move Mountains”, especially, his claim that Jesus has risen and walks among us in the form of the derivatives markets, fractional reserve banking and high levels of consumer debt. Let’s face it, I’m no economist and you’re certainly no economist so how can we possibly sit in judgement on the Pastor’s new and exciting ‘Corporate Free Market Theology’ that’s seizing headlines and transforming our religious communities? “Judge not and you will not be judged,” as the Pastor preached to me recently. The wisest of wise words from the wisest of the wise. Amen.

The Vicar