Tag Archives: Kevin Slocombe

COCKTAIL PARTY JOY

COCKTAIL PARTY JOY

FACTS and FIGURES come crashing into the inbox regarding the Reverend’s recent trip to Cannes to attend the MIPIM property conference. A sort of working holiday on the Côte d’Azur where gullible local authority types can get mugged for their land by property speculators.

THREE ‘delegates’ from Bristol City Council went. The Reverend and his two current sidekicks, PR man Kevin “Don’t Mention the Private Education” Slocombe and Colin “Head Boy” Molton. Although we’re told that the Reverend’s Cabinet member for Spatial Planning and City Design Nicola “LA LA” Beech went along paid for by her employer.

And the cost of this three-day jaunt to you, dear council tax payer? A mere £9,950! Included in a busy itinerary for these selfless public servants were urgent events such as the ‘ARUP COCKTAIL PARTY‘, the ‘YTL  DEVELOPMENTS DINNER‘ and the ‘BOUYGUE – LINKCITY DINNER‘!

Tough gigs but, no doubt, someone’s got to spend £10k of our money doing it!

 

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #15

Welcome my adoring flock and what a special month this is. A time for mass celebration as I’ve now been your vicar for two fantastic, high achieving years that have exceeded all expectations and smashed all targets. We have so much to celebrate as these two years have been a litany of high achievement with the prospect of much, much more to come.

But where do I start such a vibrant whole-parish inclusive celebration of diverse delivery? Perhaps by noting my exceptional background in church hall strategy leadership in America and religious health innovation in various small village settings across the UK, has delivered the aspiration of church hall transformation we have all been waiting for. The transformed church hall, funded through my new Church Media Fund, is set to open – our private sector partners assure me – as soon as congregation numbers and, therefore, potential church hall user numbers make the building financially viable. This may be as soon as five years, I’ve been assured. Hurrah!

Similarly, my new pay-as-https://flic.kr/p/25Mnrqmyou-go self service tea vending solution in the vestry is about to go live very soon indeed. Final software tests are being undertaken by our best

value consultant contractors from London prior to an experimental soft launch. Tea in the vestry will never have been so efficient. Hurrah! Then there was my 360 degree review of the Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson’s failed car parking strategy. Now families can attend St Marvin’s in a 4×4 diesel vehicle, happy in the knowledge they need only pay a small parking fee to access the church and financially support the parish’s wider aspirations. Hurrah!

And many of those same families are also secure within the St Marvin’s family knowing that thanks to my introduction of a small ‘Regular Worshipper Uplift Charge’ their children are safely on a best value, time efficient journey into the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘excellent’ St Snoot’s Academy. Hurrah!

I feel I should also mention the help and support from all three of the Parish Secretaries I’ve, so far, appointed on highly competitive rates. A big thank you to Mr Stephens from Birmingham, Ms Klonowski from London and, I’m sure you’re excited as me at my appointment of Mr Jackson from Weston-Super-Mare to head up the parish committee as we move into a more aggressive delivery phase. What a diverse and vibrant group of parish leaders we have here to celebrate. Hurrah!

A special mention too should be made regarding my regular all-expenses paid trips to the US to visit my fantastic friend and religious mentor who facilitates a refresh and renewal of my faith. As this mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “an expensive trip to pray alongside me at my impressive luxury mansion with outdoor swimming, gym and sauna facilities is what the Lord desires”.

And on that positive note of positivity, let’s look forward to the next two years, which Mr Slocombe’s already designated ‘the years of delivery’. Aspirations such as an open church hall, a self-serve tea facility in the vestry and increased parking charges may soon become the new reality. Hurrah!

Here’s to another two years! Hurrah!

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #11

Greetings at this very special time of year. “A good time to bury bad news” as our Parish communications professional Mr Slocombe always reminds me over a glass of dry sherry in the rectory as we blue sky our Christmas ‘grid’ for the co-production of seasonal excellence in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Although, please note, any mention of my own father and his colourful past remains banned and will not be tolerated as Mr Slocombe detailed in the comprehensive legal threat delivered to the entire congregation last week along with my Christmas card.

This year’s Christmas action points are as packed as ever and have been branded by Mr Slocombe as ‘Tough Christmas times, High New Year hopes’. Especially relevant due to the soft launch of our almost partially transformed Church Hall. I’m assured by our independent development consultants from London, the Jerry Bilt Associates, that the hall will enter completion phase “sometime next year” and that a temporary tarpaulin roof in the meantime is first class solutioning even if there is a small upper-percentile risk of freezing draught at times.

Please do not be put off attending St Marvin’s Christmas events including our transgender light operatic passion musical “Oh Christ!” and, again, this year St Snoots Academy Renaissance Orchestra and Choir’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ quality Christmas carol production. Although please note tickets are limited, as this year we are being joined by various finance partners, the Chamber of Commerce, the Rotary Club and the local United Grand Lodge of Freemasons. If you’re lucky enough to get in – don’t forget your woollies!

I’m led toward an understanding that the Dave Spart Academy Community Choir are performing at the Cathedral in a seasonal Songs of Praise this year. It’s partially noteworthy that our local OFSTED ‘Needs Improvement’ comprehensive has been identified as a seasonal token gesture by the BBC. Although it’s unfortunate I shan’t be able to attend as core parish leaders and I have a prior engagement in London at the Jerry Bilt Associate’s annual Christmas black tie dinner and dance at the Soho Club. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “And lo, it will come to pass that a toot of blow at Christmas does no one any harm.”

This year’s Christmas Charity Appeal is for the Cheney family. You may know Mr Cheney as he’s one of the morons who make up the numbers on the Parish Committee that I haven’t fired yet. Unfortunately without your help, due to the unpreventable evil of Tory austerity, his eleven children will be sleeping under a small bush in the churchyard this Christmas. With only an old soaking wet Peppa Pig blanket for warmth and a bowl of porridge to share for Christmas dinner, their plight is truly desperate. We must especially pray that poor Tiny Tim Cheney even makes it to Christmas. Please give generously.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Vicar

IN THE COURT OF TSAR MARVIN

Moseley: at a brewery. But could he organise the piss up?

A well-placed source tells The BRISTOLIAN that the Reverend Rees and his two posh boy advisors at the council KEVIN “Don’t Mention the Private Education” SLOCOMBE and BEN “Oswald” MOSELEY have “totally lost it” and are “selling Bristol off to corporates in exchange for crappy short term fixes that are doomed to fail the city”.

“It’s like the final days of the court of Tsar Nicholas II having a NEW LABOUR STRATEGY MEETING up there,” we’re told of Marvin and his court cronies upstairs in the Counts Louse.

“Despite all three having a history in the Labour movement, none of them has any interest in listening to anyone in the movement – especially their own STAFF, UNIONS or anyone in their local PARTY. Instead, a rolling roster of expensive corporate goons, proposing one daft “strategy” after another for a large fee get full house room and their arses thoroughly licked by the trio.”

The promotion of Oswald Moseley over the summer to run Marvin’s executive office has especially raised a few eyebrows at the Counts Louse and beyond. The post is supposed to be a NON-POLITICAL senior local government officer role. Although Oswald has a long history with the local LABOUR PARTY. Including a stint working for Bristol East MP, Kerry “And the Banshees” McCarthy, and, in 2012, running Marvin’s losing mayoral campaign – widely regarded as an abysmal shambles!

Oswald is hardly a shining beacon for objective, non-political senior council officers is he? And, questions are beginning to be asked about a recruitment process that identified the Rev Rees’s FRIEND and former CAMPAIGN MANAGER, Oswald, as the best person for the job. Is this another dubious public appointment made to appease a marginal mayor that will sell Bristol short?

Slocombe: “Don’t mention the private school education” or basic competence

Meanwhile Slocombe, supposedly a TRADE UNIONIST and the one political appointment the Reverend is allowed to make, seems to be attempting to square his new found love for ultra-New Labour anti-worker corporate solutions to any and every problem with his trade union contacts.

We’re informed that Slocombe has been SKULKING AROUND meeting various senior regional union bureaucrats from the council’s unions begging them to lay-off the Reverend and Bristol City Council generally. Something many rank and file members, especially from Unite, may not be happy about.

“Everything these three are promoting is a FUCKING STUPID corporate solution that takes the city backwards to Thatcher, punishes the workforce and strongly rewards a small group of managers and unaccountable corporate consultants” says our source.

“The City Office, the management restructure; the “One Bristol” plan to abandon the voluntary sector, the vicious cuts. All of them have been devised by temporary consultants and interims with an eye on a BIG PRIVATE SECTOR PAY DAY down the line.”

“This is a corporate takeover of Bristol City Council. Rees, his two advisors and their revolving door of corporate Rasputins must be stopped.”

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #9

Welcome back my glorious flock! I hope you are refreshed and ready to leave memories of that remarkably good value Slovenian holiday behind? Now is the time to worship and pray alongside me once more and make the religious and financial sacrifice that will get you nearer to Christ and your children into the parish’s high performing, OFSTED rated ‘Outstanding’ school, St Snoot-the-Privileged.

I was extraordinarily busy over the summer, even foregoing my annual pilgrimage to my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon’s biblical summer yachting school. This year, taking place in an upmarket resort in Connecticut. Maybe I will get out to the US next year for the pastor’s Southern Californian spring surf and pray retreat? As the pastor says, “he that journeys regularly on expenses to pay homage to Jesus Christ the Saviour has one foot on the stairway to heaven.”

Although, alas, all that glitters isn’t gold at St Marvin’s at present. You may have already heard the terrible news that our fantastic Parish Administrator, Ms Klonowski from London, has tendered her resignation for “family reasons”. Apparently, she needs to look after her sick and elderly parents who none of us even realised existed until last week! Can I also take this opportunity to put an end to any ridiculous rumours that Ms Klonowski’s resignation has something to do with that silly class action, launched by some bitter former members of the Parish Committee, alleging serious harassment by Ms Klonowski? It does not.

After very careful consideration, myself and my public relations assistant, Mr Slocombe, have decided not to replace Ms Klonowski as such. Although, rest assured, that the improvement journey Ms Klonowski has embarked St Marvin’s upon with her brilliant, if grammatically complex, ‘Sensible Efficiencies Strategy’ will continue with myself and Mr Slocombe assuming many of the duties of the Parish Administrator.

Finally, some good news: the Church Hall reimprovement works funded through our Church Media Fund are on target for completion once average capital development slippage deviation is given consideration. We are currently studying final costs but believe it falls within a redrafted budget envelope after some revenue income rephasing work is constituted within the renewed capital uplift pipeline.

I’m therefore excited that the first production in our fabulous new hall will be at Christmas when we’ll be presenting the Regional Arts Council Funded Elite Theatre Group with the Hampstead Players’ “Oh Christ!”, described by the Guardian as “the finest atheist, transgender light operatic passion musical this year”! What a fantastic treat! Especially as thanks to tough negotiations with the Elite Theatre Group we will be able to offer tickets at just £40 each or at £150 for a family of four. Tickets will be available soon.

However, please note tickets will not be available for the gala performance on 23 December, which will be attended by myself, the Mayor, the Bishop and a very special guest – the mayor of Panevėžys – Lithuania’s fifth largest city! Obviously some of our principal parishioners and financial supporters can expect to be there and others – such as Ms Townsend and her motley crew from the parish’s other school, the Dave Spart Academy – cannot. Further details and invitations for this amazing event, sponsored by Global Tax and Finance Inc. World Mayors’ Travel the World Project, will be made available soon.

This production will bring some light relief and entertainment to St Marvin’s after our various trials over this year. On that positive note, I bid you farewell. My hopes and prayers, as always, are with the deserving.

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #8

I suppose I should  begin this month’s newsletter by issuing a formal welcome to our new Bishop’s Curate, The Woeshipful Right-Wing Rev Tory Bowels. As most of you may be aware by now, after the tremendous levels of publicity in some of the country’s most respected obscure theological journals, the Bishop decided that the diocese required a roving rector to uptake responsibilities for cross-Parish and whole-Diocese working. The bishop identified issues like parish land sales and development opportunities; church car parking challenges; ongoing professional development for us vicars and step change improvements to the Diocese’s financial outcomes for the focus of this work.

I personally would have preferred it if the Archidiot Lesley Mansell, one of the country’s finest practitioners of inter-faith understanding and dialogue practice with our muslim brothers, had been awarded the post. Without doubt she would have done exactly as I told her and would have been a perfect fit for St Marvin’s new medium term integrated quasi-agile management scoping exercise now entering pre-rollout. The thanks for which  goes to our superb new Parish Administrator and thought leader, Ms Klonowski from London, who continues to exceed expectations here at the Parish Office.

However, the Bishop, after an extensive consultation with worshippers across the Diocese, has selected the Rev Bowels and we must make what we can of this sub-prime appointment of an insufferable, inexperienced and theologically troubled minister. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon sagely advises, “Suffer not and cast thy first stone at those who might pry too closely into your management of financial affairs.”

Obviously I am in personal charge and successfully in total control of all of the affairs the Rev Bowels wants to interfere with. For example, car parking issues at St Marvin’s are now officially moving toward resolution. Even if, technically, waiting times for church services have increased due to our congregational health and popularity. My increased fees and charges regime for car parking has provided a welcome financial uplift for the Church Media Fund in these financially straightened times too.

Similarly, our Property Sub-Committee, under the guidance of Mr Orrett  and Mr Baber, continues to make prudent decisions on land sell-offs and development that are benefitting the whole parish in all sorts of ways as well as offshored corporates and private investors. A “win-win” according to my business savvy parishioners. As for my training needs, my regular trips to the US to work and pray alongside my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon, more than fulfil all my worldly educational needs. What can I possibly learn from this aging curate from Winterbourne?

This, however, does not in any way alter my original view, expressed to parishioners some time ago, that a Bishop’s Curate is a superb addition to the diocese and we will financially contribute to make this post a huge success. Although surely the Right-Wing Reverend Bowel’s efforts are best aimed at poorly administrated parishes in Bath or, even, his own Church of the Poison Mind in suburban South Gloucestershire?

Some of you have approached me for an update on our partnership with the Islington parish of St Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent. While I’m happy to confirm that the partnership is ongoing, I see no reason to offer commentary on this arrangement at this time. Let’s instead focus on the parish of St Marvin’s and our excellent local sister parishes of St Goth’s-the-Pint-Size, St Thingy’s, St Karyn and All Tories and St Darren-the-Dunce’s. Speaking of which, with the summer coming, I’ll be able to tell you a little more about our exciting partnership religious festival programme in our next newsletter. Until then, farewell and may God continue to bless the righteous and lay serious police charges against my blasphemous enemies.

The Vicar

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #7

I am aware many of you are almost as upset and distressed as I am that our place of worship has been thoroughly demeaned, degraded and abused by our abysmal and biased local press who have claimed an alleged “modern slavery” business operated out of St Marvin’s earlier this year.

The first thing that needs to be thoroughly understood by all parishioners is that none of this has anything whatsoever to do with me. It is entirely the fault of others, possibly Mr Baber and Mr Orrett from the Property Sub Committee. They agreed to an interim contract-out arrangement for St Marvin’s with Mr Launcelot from Rachman Estates and Development on the High Street during my annual sabbatical tour in January to the United States to visit my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon.

It was unfortunate, then, if Mr Rachman may have infringed aspects of our quality assurance framework by licencing 40 Romanian specialist contractors to reside in the church for that month to facilitate an at pace an asbestos reassignment procedure from the church roof to Mr Rachman’s chosen site of mitigation. On a positive note, this maintenance intervention was scored ‘acceptable’ on our construction competency framework and was delivered at costs rated ‘effective’ and we are all far safer for it. I even understand those eight unfortunate Romanians may be discharged from St Marvin’s Infirmary as soon as next week and, in further positive news, the police indicate they may not take any action. So that’s all right then.

Rest assured, I am more than content to explain in further detail any non-positives that may emerge from our agile contracting process with Rachman Estates.

However, I’m assured by our Parish Secretary, Ms Klonowski, that the matter, for now, remains confidential as any detailed narrative I provide at this stage might impact future outcomes in a judicial setting. Ms Klonowski will conduct a full rapid change review on behalf of the church, which will pathway to me in due course.

Those of you – briefed by Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy – who claim I was warned about Rachman Estates months ago are misinformed. It was entirely correct that Mr Gobshite was manhandled out of December’s Parish Committee meeting when he tried to raise matters pertaining to Property Sub Committee contracts that did not form part of the formal agenda. If we allow parishioners to raise issues that do not form part of the structured committee agenda we are setting ourselves on an unrighteous path toward anarchy. And we don’t want that do we?

However, please note that the circumstances surrounding the manhandling of Mr Gobshite out of the committee and his subsequent tasering by our community beat officer, PC Mounstevens, are the subject of a 360-degree church review implemented by Ms Klonowski and the Property Sub Committee. So let’s now wait for these important, high quality reviews to outcome before we judge. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says “He that rushes to judgment on those that are able to pay a generous stipend may be damned with poor remuneration and a limited expense account”

I also note that some of you, encouraged Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy and her weird feminist friends have now started making a silly fuss about the recent Dioceses Library development restructure plan. Please note, the beautiful and valuable historic diocese library building adjacent to St Marvin’s is not being “turned into luxury flats” as claimed. At just £400,000 for a 3-bed apartment they are average priced family homes in an up-and-coming parish. We should celebrate affordable family housing being made available so close to our church and within the catchment area of our high performing parish school, St Snoot’s Academy.

Surely the lesson of this month’s newsletter is that we need to learn to celebrate more, complain a little less and avoid tricky questions at St Marvin’s? God bless you all, even those godforsaken atheist moaners from the Dave Spart Academy and their weirdo feminist friends.

The Vicar.

PARKS MANAGEMENT: A LOAD OF RUBBISH

This is what crap management looks like

Our new INEXPERIENCED and completely UNQUALIFIED parks boss, Gemma “Ctrl-v” Dando is off to a flying start. At the beginning of the year this idiot boss – who cut her teeth farting about with Neighbourhood Partnerships nowhere near any parks – unilaterally  announced from the comfort of her ‘flexible agile workspace’ in the Counts Louse that all overtime in the Parks Department must CEASE immediately.

This met with a universal outcry from our EXPERIENCED parks maintenance boys, who do know a thing or two about running our parks. Not only was this a major hit in the wallet for some of the council’s lowest paid staff (on about a third of Dando’s wedge), it would also mean no cleaning and maintenance of parks could take place over the WEEKENDS. This, they said, would result in crap all over the parks and a huge amount of extra work at the start of the week.

Indeed, Dando’s decision was so fucking clueless and stupid even the parks’ long term middle management yes-man , Richard “Bedwetter” Fletcher was moved to protest to Dando that her plan would not work. Naturally, dimwitted career bureaucrat and office monkey Dando IGNORED all of this experienced advice and forced through her daft plan.

Cue the first hot weekend of the year on 8 April and there’s absolute pandemonium. Parks across the city are COVERED IN CRAP and bins are OVERFLOWING and STINKING. Inevitably a huge social media storm ensues, picked up by the BBC and the Nazi Post, as hundreds of park users post photos of the mess all over the internet along with their howls of protest to the council. The whole episode was a blockbusting PERSONAL PR DISASTER for the Reverend, who has put a lot of political capital behind a gormless anti-litter campaign that his mum told him to do.

The Reverend’s PR chief and puppeteer Kevin “Don’t mention the private school education” Slocombe originally decided the solution to this self-inflicted disaster was to launch a poor quality SPIN OPERATION out of the Reverend’s office. Supported by Labour Party councillors and a few of its members whining away on Facebook, they attempted to pin the blame on the PUBLIC for the state of the parks rather than own-up to their refusal to listen to experienced voices and leave key decision-making to a cretin managing our parks by spreadsheet.

Naturally the Reverend’s HALF-ARSED EFFORT to blame the public for his own manager’s stupidity gained little traction with the pissed-off public and by Tuesday 11 April a visibly stressed Dando was hauling the parks maintenance crew back into her agile workspace. Five minutes later, all weekend overtime was restored for parks staff and there’s been no problem since! RESULT.

Perhaps the next decision should be to remove the tin-eared twat and walking PR disaster running our parks from a job she doesn’t know how to do (immediately saving us £80k – £90k a year)?

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #6

Greetings my parish stakeholders! As the darkness of Easter descends and that appalling image of a great, bleeding, beaten Christian martyr with a meat cleaver in his head is seared upon our minds and penetrates our very souls anew, I am not unpleased to be publishing another parish newsletter.

It’s all a bit of a hurry this month as myself and my brilliant editor, Mr Slocombe, have only just arrived back from an urgent trip to Ohio to engage in intensive prayer, discussion and fine dining with fellow vicars from around the globe to seek resolution to the urgent problems facing our diverse global community in the age of Trump and Brexit.

Those of you questioning the value to the parish of such a vibrant trip would do well to dwell on the words of my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon who told us in Ohio, “he that travels far on generous expenses arrives nearer to God.”

I am aware the Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy has set up a petition regarding my small and  essential international travel claims. So perhaps I should remind parishioners who signs what around here. Such as the application forms for entrance to St Snoot-the-Privileged, the parish’s high performing, OFSTED rated ‘Outstanding’ school. It isn’t Ms Townsend is it? Or any of that ragbag of commies and pinkoes who follow her around on the latest passing bandwagon she’s hitched them to.

Now, moving on to more important administrative matters, please note that the new competency framework for members of the Parish Committee has been delayed because our new Parish Administrator, Ms Klonowski from London thought I asked for a complacency framework. Speaking of which, I’m sure that most of you have now had an opportunity to read the special report I commissioned from Mr Steele, a senior partner at local accountancy firm Steele & M Bezzle on the High Street, regarding my predecessor, the Rev Loose Canon Ferguson’s financial overspend.

As far as I can see from Mr Steele’s excellent report, the blame for the overspend lies firmly with our former vicar and his Parish Administrator Mrs Yates and Bursar, Mr Wide. Some of you, however, seem to wrongly  believe that the whole of the Parish Committee was responsible. I shall therefore be commissioning a further report – from Mr Bezzle this time – to ensure that all the blame is put on Mrs Yates and Mr Wide.

This new report will prove it had nothing to do with our fabulous new Parish Administrator Ms Klonowski – who helped uncover the financial problems once the Rev Ferguson had left and she wanted to suck up to the new vicar – or any of my close friends on the Parish Committee who may have been in an unfortunate close proximity to others’ wrongdoing entirely by unfortunate mistake.

Finally, a number of you have contacted me regarding renaming the Jimmy Savile OBE Playgarden next to the church. As vicar of the parish I am unable to offer a formal view on the subject of nomenclature of public land managed through a charitable trust vehicle. Similarly, the generous church stipend to the garden is the responsibility of the St Marvin’s Garden Blind Trust over which I have no control.

Please therefore pursue this campaign through the correct channels and not through me. Please, also, if you are protesting at the garden, ensure that there is vehicular access to the church at all times. Some of my congregation are extremely wealthy time-limited people who need to get their kids into a decent secondary school in a timely manner with the minimum of fuss.

Hold-ups for families wishing to attend my church and hear my words of wisdom will not be tolerated. Have a happy Easter.

The Vicar