Tag Archives: Kevin Slocombe

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #6

Greetings my parish stakeholders! As the darkness of Easter descends and that appalling image of a great, bleeding, beaten Christian martyr with a meat cleaver in his head is seared upon our minds and penetrates our very souls anew, I am not unpleased to be publishing another parish newsletter.

It’s all a bit of a hurry this month as myself and my brilliant editor, Mr Slocombe, have only just arrived back from an urgent trip to Ohio to engage in intensive prayer, discussion and fine dining with fellow vicars from around the globe to seek resolution to the urgent problems facing our diverse global community in the age of Trump and Brexit.

Those of you questioning the value to the parish of such a vibrant trip would do well to dwell on the words of my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon who told us in Ohio, “he that travels far on generous expenses arrives nearer to God.”

I am aware the Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy has set up a petition regarding my small and  essential international travel claims. So perhaps I should remind parishioners who signs what around here. Such as the application forms for entrance to St Snoot-the-Privileged, the parish’s high performing, OFSTED rated ‘Outstanding’ school. It isn’t Ms Townsend is it? Or any of that ragbag of commies and pinkoes who follow her around on the latest passing bandwagon she’s hitched them to.

Now, moving on to more important administrative matters, please note that the new competency framework for members of the Parish Committee has been delayed because our new Parish Administrator, Ms Klonowski from London thought I asked for a complacency framework. Speaking of which, I’m sure that most of you have now had an opportunity to read the special report I commissioned from Mr Steele, a senior partner at local accountancy firm Steele & M Bezzle on the High Street, regarding my predecessor, the Rev Loose Canon Ferguson’s financial overspend.

As far as I can see from Mr Steele’s excellent report, the blame for the overspend lies firmly with our former vicar and his Parish Administrator Mrs Yates and Bursar, Mr Wide. Some of you, however, seem to wrongly  believe that the whole of the Parish Committee was responsible. I shall therefore be commissioning a further report – from Mr Bezzle this time – to ensure that all the blame is put on Mrs Yates and Mr Wide.

This new report will prove it had nothing to do with our fabulous new Parish Administrator Ms Klonowski – who helped uncover the financial problems once the Rev Ferguson had left and she wanted to suck up to the new vicar – or any of my close friends on the Parish Committee who may have been in an unfortunate close proximity to others’ wrongdoing entirely by unfortunate mistake.

Finally, a number of you have contacted me regarding renaming the Jimmy Savile OBE Playgarden next to the church. As vicar of the parish I am unable to offer a formal view on the subject of nomenclature of public land managed through a charitable trust vehicle. Similarly, the generous church stipend to the garden is the responsibility of the St Marvin’s Garden Blind Trust over which I have no control.

Please therefore pursue this campaign through the correct channels and not through me. Please, also, if you are protesting at the garden, ensure that there is vehicular access to the church at all times. Some of my congregation are extremely wealthy time-limited people who need to get their kids into a decent secondary school in a timely manner with the minimum of fuss.

Hold-ups for families wishing to attend my church and hear my words of wisdom will not be tolerated. Have a happy Easter.

The Vicar

RESHUFFLE KERFUFFLE

Bizarre Cabinet reshuffle from the Reverend Rees last month. The highlight of which was a BLATANT LEAK to the press of his decision to fire his Labour rival for Mayor and transport chief Mark “LAME DUCK” Bradshaw days before the official announcement.

Quite what the Reverend and his PR point man Kevin “Don’t mention the private school education” Slocombe thought they might achieve by publicly firing Bradshaw is anyone’s guess. Maybe it boosted the pair’s FRAGILE EGOS and helped them feel like they were actually in charge of something?

The Reverend also took the opportunity to PROMOTE his close friend, hapless incompetent Asher “The Slasher” Craig, to Deputy Mayor alongside yes-man Craig “Crapita” Cheney, the cabinet’s overpromoted finance man.

Slasher’s promotion came just days before another LEAK to the press appeared. This one claiming Close-It’s enormous £5k council tax DEBT, run up over a number of years and still outstanding when she was elected councillor last May and promoted to Cabinet in the autumn, was paid off by the local Labour Party!

The LEGALITY of any of Slasher’s financial decisions while having an undeclared debt with the council is being carefully studied. As is her new portfolio extended to include public health and public transport alongside her existing and disastrous responsibilities for demolished kids’ playgrounds, collapsing Neighbourhood Partnerships, underfunded leisure centres, closing libraries, decaying community assets and up-for-sale parks.

“Even those on the right wing of the Bristol Labour Party think she’s A TORY!” is how one insider described Slasher to us recently.

Meanwhile, the Reverend is taking on PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for the ongoing Arena non-appearance project and for elements of the TRANSPORT brief, particularly congestion. Effectively splitting responsibility for the city’s difficult and badly managed transport brief between himself and useless Asher the Slasher. Of course, neither have any EXPERIENCE whatsoever of transport.

The Reverend and  Kevin “Don’t mention the private school education” Slocombe are desperately touting this reshuffle as a “CONSOLIDATION OF POWER“. However, the press leaks; the Reverend’s new responsibility for two poisoned chalices and the promotion of an idiot – Asher the Slasher – look more like an administration UNRAVELLING.

There may be trouble ahead …

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #3

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Merry Christmas to all my lucky parishioners. Unfortunately I have one brief item of important parish business before I can talk up the highlights of my ground-breaking St Marvin’s Christmas programme.

There’s been a number of complaints regarding “congestion” in the car park on Wednesday evenings. A small causal factor may be BBC lorries leaving the church after a busy day filming for the fantastic Cbeebies ‘Churchtastic!’ internet show. These lorries are allegedly creating conflict with the large number of committed worshippers driving to evensong.

How is this a matter for complaint? It’s a cause for celebration! Not only are we a vibrant, modern film and media parish with a global internet reach but we are a church in fine spiritual health. This is about parents with children aged 8 – 11 celebrating our Lord in the medium of song and getting a positive attendance mark for their spiritual journey towards admission to St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy. So let’s complain less and celebrate more at St Marvin’s.

However, rest assured the best minds in the parish will be convening to look at this issue. Myself; the parish administrator Mr Hughes from Birmingham; our tremendous temporary bookkeeper Miss Klonowski; a young ‘future leader’ from St Snoot’s Academy; senior congregation member, Mrs Moneybags and the local BBC’s Assistant Executive Co-ordinator for Customer Relations (Theological, Religious and Small Domestic Pet Programming) will be meeting in the new year to initiate a best value solution to this new challenge.

Despite her incessant demands and near defamatory round-robin email, my Best Minds Congestion Leadership Group will not include Miss Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy. For starters, I noticed at least three grammatical errors in her email and ‘insouciant hypocrite’ isn’t spelt like that. Besides, Miss Townsend needs to focus on getting Dave Spart pupils some A*grades so they can get themselves a career in media or the creative industries and a life.

Those supporting Miss Townsend and causing a fuss over the makeup of my group would do well to remember the ‘Parable of the Local Authority Senior Manager and the Lollipop Lady’ as transcribed by my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon – “And lo! It came to pass that the wealthiest and connected were the best minds.”

resilientMiss Townsend also may like to recall that at my interview I told her what I’m really about is great Christian soundbites that we can all get behind. Such as ‘providing opportunity for all so that no one’s left behind’. I’m therefore pleased to tell you about this year’s Christmas play.

Mr Hughes has identified £20,000 in the Parish Land Trust Fund available for a nativity play and competitively priced rehearsals are now underway at St Posh’s in their wonderful new ‘Merchant Slavers’ Drama Hall’. The rehearsals are being overseen by Oxford educated head of drama Mr Morris with the funny trousers. You may recall his series of well-received experimental organ recitals last year that only resulted in that one small unfortunate violent incident by the font.

Mr Morris assures me that his rehearsals with a hugely talented group of motivated, intelligent and creative St Posh boys are going very well indeed. I think we can expect a Christmas treat! And before Miss Townsend gets back on her high horse with its round robin email facility, let me assure you that pupils from the Dave Spart Academy will be given every opportunity to volunteer as stage hands and front of house staff for the production.

Providing opportunities to diverse young people through work-based experience to boost resilient outcomes in the skills marketplace is what we’re about. I now look forward to Miss Townsend piping down, becoming a team player and facilitating this super opportunity for the Dave Spart Academy.

Our incredible nativity experience will take place in the week before Christmas and tickets are on sale exclusively at St Snoot’s Merchant Slaver Ticket Hall at £10 each for non-affiliated adults and children. Those affiliated to St Snoot’s go free.

Our hugely popular Christmas Carol Service with the St Snoots Renaissance Orchestra and Choir takes place on 23 December from 7.00pm. Unfortunately this has already sold out. However, for those wishing to experience St Marvin’s exceptionally diverse vibrancy at Christmas, the Dave Spart Academy Community Choir will be performing in the graveyard behind the vestry for one hour prior to our landmark carolling event. Remember to dress for the freezing cold and leave quietly so as not to disturb those celebrating inside.

Finally, my candlelit vigil to mourn the twilight of the Americas will continue every Friday after prayers during advent. A positive attendance mark towards admission to St Snoot’s Academy will be awarded for attendance. I look forward to another large turnout and St Marvin’s showing the Donald we will not put up with this sort of thing. We will make America great for wealthy wishy-washy Christian liberals again!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

THE VICAR

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ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #2

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Welcome to another newsletter. May God bless you all. Even those of you spreading wicked dissent around my parish regarding the touchstone car parking arrangements that myself and our talented Parish Administrator, Mr Hughes from Birmingham have implemented.

Let’s be clear. This initiative was only engaged after significant levels of consultation the Thursday before last with key congregational stakeholders at the over-70s coffee morning. I fail to understand how a small one pound donation to park your car to help drive forward Parish core competencies in these financially sub-optimal times and support our ongoing commitment to Mr Hughes’ substantial salary expectation, can be described as “pay to pray”.

This is a silly soundbite designed by stirrers, communists and anti-christian agitators in the parish – and beyond in Avonmouth – to undermine myself and Mr Hughes as we reengineer and modernise parish finance, administration and spiritual values in a challenging context. Perhaps I should remind the Jeremiahs out there of the words of my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon? “Abuse not those who raketh it in for Ye art in charge and know best”.

I also think it better if smart-arse soundbites (which “pay to pray” isn’t) are left to my brilliant new newsletter editor Mr Slocombe who, I think we can all agree, is doing a superb job on a salary even lower than Mr Hughes’s. Aren’t we truly blessed to have such a talent direct from the London Islington parish of St Jeremy-The-Hapless-Incompetent?

However, as the hefty holy door of opportunity revolves for my friend Mr Slocombe, so the godforsaken backdoor of early retirement creaks ajar for Mrs Smith, our valued (by some) tea lady. With the implementation of the pay-as-you-go self-service tea machine initiative in the vestry as part of Mr Hughes’ strategy of front loading back end efficiency savings in the parish, Mrs Smith has decided voluntarily to call it a day.

BlessedI’m sure you’ll all join me in wishing her well. I would especially like to thank her for her occasional hard work and efforts at professionalism and commitment during her time with St Marvin’s. And whatever you choose to do next Mrs Smith – even if that’s worshipping next door at St Theresa-of-the-May’s spreading malicious gossip about Mr Hughes from Birmingham sacking you – we send you our mixed blessings.

Now let’s end with a fantastic good news story. I’m pleased to confirm that the production team for the BBC’s hugely popular Cbeebies smash hit internet-only show, ‘Churchtastic!’ presented by the fabulous Amanda Trifle-Posh, will be filming every Wednesday here at St Marvin’s for another season. Rejoice the Good News! Not only will this earn St Marvin’s as much as £100 a week in potential fees and income, it will position St Marvin’s as an aspirational centre of media excellence within the diocese, which is just how we want to do modern Christianity.

Before we sign contracts with the BBC, however, we will have to initiate repairs to the church roof. Mr Hughes from Birmingham has already identified funds available on a spend-to-borrow-back early investment release basis from the Church Fabric Infrastructure Fund, which will now be known as Church Creative Media Fund to better align St Marvin’s objectives with a modern church agenda.

Mr Hughes says if we maintain a positive uplift in income for an extended period into the medium/long term envelope then we will be able to refacilitate an early off balance sheet liability release within a prudent opportunity window. The Parish Committee have looked very carefully at this finance arrangement and have agreed we should proceed immediately with repairs as there is no financial risk whatsoever based on what Mr Hughes says.

The BBC have also agreed to accept, every term, two exceptional A* students from the parish for production internships with ‘Churchtastic!’ Two exceptionally talented young men and future leaders from St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy are in post already. So come on Miss Townsend and the Dave Spart Academy. Isn’t it about time you pulled your fingers out and delivered some A* students and leaders that can take advantage of the first class opportunities offered by St Marvin’s?

That’s all for another month. Amen, hallelujah and farewell from St Marvin’s the progressive parish. See you on TV!

THE VICAR

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ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS

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Finally – a warm welcome to all of my new flock! Even to those godless fools who made it clear you didn’t want me here. I know who you are!

(And I suggest you remember who’s signing those high-performing church school application forms now. Regardless of what I told Miss Townsend of the Dave Spart Academy School at my interview, they’ll be no free school meal tickets into the best school in my parish. All applications will be impartially judged by me on your material contribution to my parish)

To those of you unfortunate not to have met me yet and learned about my exceptional background in church hall strategy leadership in America and religious health innovation in various small village settings across the UK, an especially big hello.

But first let me mention our former vicar The Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson. Let’s pray together and bless him in his retirement. But let’s also put behind us his theologically misguided views regarding cycling to church first thing on a Sunday morning.

And, let me assure you, a full review of the Rev Ferguson’s car parking strategy is underway. If you need to drive your child ten minutes around the corner in a 4×4 to worship with me on a Sunday, then who am I to stand in the way of your imminent conversation with Our Lord by imposing silly restrictions on the use of our ample parking facilities?

To facilitate this I have already converted the Rev Loose Canon’s underused personal cycle parking into a convenient parking space for my new parish administrator, Mr Hughes from Birmingham’s, impressive limo.

Can I also request that the moaning regarding Mr Hughes from Birmingham’s competitive terms and conditions at the parish office now cease? As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious homophobe, Pastor Righteous Loon, told me last week when I flew in to visit him at his large mansion in New York State, “blessed are the high waged for they will profit themselves.”

BlessedCan I also remind you that any discussion of The Rev Loose Canon’s secretary, Mrs Yates’s small leaving stipend remains banned. I have received another rude letter from her solicitors Angry and Bastard on the High Street and feel we should all draw a line under this matter. We don’t want to be reading about ourselves in the newspapers do we?

However, please rest assured, as promised, I am still continuing to think about starting an independent review by my wife into last year’s church fete organised by Mrs Yates. While there’s no evidence of wrongdoing as such, let’s clear the air and find out more about the substantial donation from Parish funds to the Rev Ferguson’s daughter’s cupcake stall and creche facility and to the Bishop’s impressive private entertainment marquee.

Finally, please note, I am standing down the traditional Parish Church Committee immediately. It is out of date, inefficient and full of non-professionals who don’t really do parish leadership for the 21st Century. Instead I’ll be introducing a Parish Office to drive my business strategy forward.

Miss Klonowski, who’s worked successfully door-to-door across the parish for Cheap Loans-4-U has already agreed to join and deliver a 360-degree review of our targeted financial improvement objectives for a very competitive fee.

I’m hoping too we’ll be joined by Mr Dim, the Head at St RiggedSATs Primary and Prof Cash from the university who has lots of land sale experience. Dr Bent, our wonderful local GP will be joining too as soon as he returns to work having sorted out those silly and unnecessary whistleblowing allegations.

I appreciate none of these people attend church as such but they’re all very active in the community even if they don’t live here.

Obviously, in principle, I look forward to meeting you all soon but due to pressures on my time, can I ask that any personal appointments are booked through Mr Hughes via the Parish’s website, which will be active very soon. Just remember that just because I’m not here among you doesn’t mean that I’m not somewhere among someone probably far more important than you preaching God’s word and enhancing my brilliant career.

THE VICARLayout 1

 

AUSTERITY MY ARSE

CultureIt hasn’t taken long for Marvin “The Reverend” Rees to turn into another nasty little Tory Boy RUINING THE LIVES of his low paid council staff so that he can FEATHER THE NESTS of the city’s wealthy elite has it?

Less than three months into his ‘REIGN OF ERROR‘ and Marvin has announced that he will need to make 1,000 staff at his council REDUNDANT to “balance the books”. Virtually all these staff will be low paid and will be working in ESSENTIAL public services like adult care, education, social services and housing.

These HORRIFYING CUTS have been spun by the Reverend’s new £63k a year trade union PR girl, Kevin “Slow Brain” Slocombe, as entirely the fault of Tory government austerity and Mayor-no-more George Ferguson. The dynamic business and corporate-friendly Labour duo claim that George left behind a £29m debt for 2016 – 17 of unachieved savings.

Really? So how come a report accepted by Marvin and his cabinet in July – just ONE MONTH before his cuts announcement – assured us, “This report shows that the Council has been able to deliver on its saving plans and balance its base budget in what continues to be a challenging fiscal environment.”

It then goes on to say, “The current financial strategy, consisting of the final year of the 2013-17 MTFS, will be sufficient to balance the Councils budget in 2016/17.”

So what happened in a month to create a £29m black hole in this balanced budget? WHO’S TELLING THE TRUTH? Marvin in July or Marvin in August?

Meanwhile, Slow Brain and the Reverend’s claim that they have no choice but to fire 1,000 staff on low pay fails to stand up to BASIC SCRUTINY when you start to look at the expenditure they’ve either already authorised or are intending authorise and for whom.

In late June Marvin and his cabinet had no problem in handing the COLSTON HALL £1.6m up front to develop their refurbishment plans while also agreeing in principle to chuck them a further £10m to achieve these plans.

At the same meeting, similar generosity was shown to the BRISTOL OLD VIC – who were awarded £1m to underwrite their refurbishment plans – and to another concert hall – ST GEORGE’S – who received £600k to help them with their rebuilding efforts.

And it doesn’t stop there. In September Marvin will award those famously poverty stricken organisations – BUSINESS WEST and the UNIVERSITY OF BRISTOL – an undisclosed subsidy of over £500k to keep their ‘Set Squared’ creative industries ‘business incubator’ running the way they’ve become accustomed to at Brunel’s stylish ENGINE SHED at Temple Meads.

Also in the loop for an undisclosed public handout (of £500k plus) from the Reverend is the THE BOTTLE YARD film and TV studios in south Bristol. Because we can’t have austerity in the high-earning film industry can we?

This is all before we get on to the really high ticket projects Marvin is backing. He’s still committed to the £150m ARENA project, assuring anyone who will listen it’s affordable despite only having £100m to build it.

The other £50m will come from the council taxpayer until that income stream runs dry when Marvin, no doubt, will throw another few bodies on to his HUMAN BONFIRE and sack a few more staff running essential services to balance his crooked books.

Finally we have Marvin’s uncosted and unfunded EUROPEAN CAPITAL OF CULTURE bid. To make himself look good in the ruins of the public services he’ll be running, the Reverend intends to make the city Capital of Culture in 2023 at an undisclosed cost.

HOW MUCH this will cost or WHAT USE it will be to any one not involved in of Marvin’s heavily subsidised high-earning creative industries is anyone’s guess. But what the hell? It’s only other people’s money and other people’s jobs isn’t it?

In less than THREE MONTHS Marvin’s mayoralty has turned into a hyopcritical farce and an elitist backscratching exercise.

“No one left behind” he says? Except for 1,000 council staff running essential services and their familes …