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ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #8

I suppose I should  begin this month’s newsletter by issuing a formal welcome to our new Bishop’s Curate, The Woeshipful Right-Wing Rev Tory Bowels. As most of you may be aware by now, after the tremendous levels of publicity in some of the country’s most respected obscure theological journals, the Bishop decided that the diocese required a roving rector to uptake responsibilities for cross-Parish and whole-Diocese working. The bishop identified issues like parish land sales and development opportunities; church car parking challenges; ongoing professional development for us vicars and step change improvements to the Diocese’s financial outcomes for the focus of this work.

I personally would have preferred it if the Archidiot Lesley Mansell, one of the country’s finest practitioners of inter-faith understanding and dialogue practice with our muslim brothers, had been awarded the post. Without doubt she would have done exactly as I told her and would have been a perfect fit for St Marvin’s new medium term integrated quasi-agile management scoping exercise now entering pre-rollout. The thanks for which  goes to our superb new Parish Administrator and thought leader, Ms Klonowski from London, who continues to exceed expectations here at the Parish Office.

However, the Bishop, after an extensive consultation with worshippers across the Diocese, has selected the Rev Bowels and we must make what we can of this sub-prime appointment of an insufferable, inexperienced and theologically troubled minister. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon sagely advises, “Suffer not and cast thy first stone at those who might pry too closely into your management of financial affairs.”

Obviously I am in personal charge and successfully in total control of all of the affairs the Rev Bowels wants to interfere with. For example, car parking issues at St Marvin’s are now officially moving toward resolution. Even if, technically, waiting times for church services have increased due to our congregational health and popularity. My increased fees and charges regime for car parking has provided a welcome financial uplift for the Church Media Fund in these financially straightened times too.

Similarly, our Property Sub-Committee, under the guidance of Mr Orrett  and Mr Baber, continues to make prudent decisions on land sell-offs and development that are benefitting the whole parish in all sorts of ways as well as offshored corporates and private investors. A “win-win” according to my business savvy parishioners. As for my training needs, my regular trips to the US to work and pray alongside my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon, more than fulfil all my worldly educational needs. What can I possibly learn from this aging curate from Winterbourne?

This, however, does not in any way alter my original view, expressed to parishioners some time ago, that a Bishop’s Curate is a superb addition to the diocese and we will financially contribute to make this post a huge success. Although surely the Right-Wing Reverend Bowel’s efforts are best aimed at poorly administrated parishes in Bath or, even, his own Church of the Poison Mind in suburban South Gloucestershire?

Some of you have approached me for an update on our partnership with the Islington parish of St Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent. While I’m happy to confirm that the partnership is ongoing, I see no reason to offer commentary on this arrangement at this time. Let’s instead focus on the parish of St Marvin’s and our excellent local sister parishes of St Goth’s-the-Pint-Size, St Thingy’s, St Karyn and All Tories and St Darren-the-Dunce’s. Speaking of which, with the summer coming, I’ll be able to tell you a little more about our exciting partnership religious festival programme in our next newsletter. Until then, farewell and may God continue to bless the righteous and lay serious police charges against my blasphemous enemies.

The Vicar

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #7

I am aware many of you are almost as upset and distressed as I am that our place of worship has been thoroughly demeaned, degraded and abused by our abysmal and biased local press who have claimed an alleged “modern slavery” business operated out of St Marvin’s earlier this year.

The first thing that needs to be thoroughly understood by all parishioners is that none of this has anything whatsoever to do with me. It is entirely the fault of others, possibly Mr Baber and Mr Orrett from the Property Sub Committee. They agreed to an interim contract-out arrangement for St Marvin’s with Mr Launcelot from Rachman Estates and Development on the High Street during my annual sabbatical tour in January to the United States to visit my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon.

It was unfortunate, then, if Mr Rachman may have infringed aspects of our quality assurance framework by licencing 40 Romanian specialist contractors to reside in the church for that month to facilitate an at pace an asbestos reassignment procedure from the church roof to Mr Rachman’s chosen site of mitigation. On a positive note, this maintenance intervention was scored ‘acceptable’ on our construction competency framework and was delivered at costs rated ‘effective’ and we are all far safer for it. I even understand those eight unfortunate Romanians may be discharged from St Marvin’s Infirmary as soon as next week and, in further positive news, the police indicate they may not take any action. So that’s all right then.

Rest assured, I am more than content to explain in further detail any non-positives that may emerge from our agile contracting process with Rachman Estates.

However, I’m assured by our Parish Secretary, Ms Klonowski, that the matter, for now, remains confidential as any detailed narrative I provide at this stage might impact future outcomes in a judicial setting. Ms Klonowski will conduct a full rapid change review on behalf of the church, which will pathway to me in due course.

Those of you – briefed by Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy – who claim I was warned about Rachman Estates months ago are misinformed. It was entirely correct that Mr Gobshite was manhandled out of December’s Parish Committee meeting when he tried to raise matters pertaining to Property Sub Committee contracts that did not form part of the formal agenda. If we allow parishioners to raise issues that do not form part of the structured committee agenda we are setting ourselves on an unrighteous path toward anarchy. And we don’t want that do we?

However, please note that the circumstances surrounding the manhandling of Mr Gobshite out of the committee and his subsequent tasering by our community beat officer, PC Mounstevens, are the subject of a 360-degree church review implemented by Ms Klonowski and the Property Sub Committee. So let’s now wait for these important, high quality reviews to outcome before we judge. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says “He that rushes to judgment on those that are able to pay a generous stipend may be damned with poor remuneration and a limited expense account”

I also note that some of you, encouraged Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy and her weird feminist friends have now started making a silly fuss about the recent Dioceses Library development restructure plan. Please note, the beautiful and valuable historic diocese library building adjacent to St Marvin’s is not being “turned into luxury flats” as claimed. At just £400,000 for a 3-bed apartment they are average priced family homes in an up-and-coming parish. We should celebrate affordable family housing being made available so close to our church and within the catchment area of our high performing parish school, St Snoot’s Academy.

Surely the lesson of this month’s newsletter is that we need to learn to celebrate more, complain a little less and avoid tricky questions at St Marvin’s? God bless you all, even those godforsaken atheist moaners from the Dave Spart Academy and their weirdo feminist friends.

The Vicar.

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #3

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Merry Christmas to all my lucky parishioners. Unfortunately I have one brief item of important parish business before I can talk up the highlights of my ground-breaking St Marvin’s Christmas programme.

There’s been a number of complaints regarding “congestion” in the car park on Wednesday evenings. A small causal factor may be BBC lorries leaving the church after a busy day filming for the fantastic Cbeebies ‘Churchtastic!’ internet show. These lorries are allegedly creating conflict with the large number of committed worshippers driving to evensong.

How is this a matter for complaint? It’s a cause for celebration! Not only are we a vibrant, modern film and media parish with a global internet reach but we are a church in fine spiritual health. This is about parents with children aged 8 – 11 celebrating our Lord in the medium of song and getting a positive attendance mark for their spiritual journey towards admission to St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy. So let’s complain less and celebrate more at St Marvin’s.

However, rest assured the best minds in the parish will be convening to look at this issue. Myself; the parish administrator Mr Hughes from Birmingham; our tremendous temporary bookkeeper Miss Klonowski; a young ‘future leader’ from St Snoot’s Academy; senior congregation member, Mrs Moneybags and the local BBC’s Assistant Executive Co-ordinator for Customer Relations (Theological, Religious and Small Domestic Pet Programming) will be meeting in the new year to initiate a best value solution to this new challenge.

Despite her incessant demands and near defamatory round-robin email, my Best Minds Congestion Leadership Group will not include Miss Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy. For starters, I noticed at least three grammatical errors in her email and ‘insouciant hypocrite’ isn’t spelt like that. Besides, Miss Townsend needs to focus on getting Dave Spart pupils some A*grades so they can get themselves a career in media or the creative industries and a life.

Those supporting Miss Townsend and causing a fuss over the makeup of my group would do well to remember the ‘Parable of the Local Authority Senior Manager and the Lollipop Lady’ as transcribed by my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon – “And lo! It came to pass that the wealthiest and connected were the best minds.”

resilientMiss Townsend also may like to recall that at my interview I told her what I’m really about is great Christian soundbites that we can all get behind. Such as ‘providing opportunity for all so that no one’s left behind’. I’m therefore pleased to tell you about this year’s Christmas play.

Mr Hughes has identified £20,000 in the Parish Land Trust Fund available for a nativity play and competitively priced rehearsals are now underway at St Posh’s in their wonderful new ‘Merchant Slavers’ Drama Hall’. The rehearsals are being overseen by Oxford educated head of drama Mr Morris with the funny trousers. You may recall his series of well-received experimental organ recitals last year that only resulted in that one small unfortunate violent incident by the font.

Mr Morris assures me that his rehearsals with a hugely talented group of motivated, intelligent and creative St Posh boys are going very well indeed. I think we can expect a Christmas treat! And before Miss Townsend gets back on her high horse with its round robin email facility, let me assure you that pupils from the Dave Spart Academy will be given every opportunity to volunteer as stage hands and front of house staff for the production.

Providing opportunities to diverse young people through work-based experience to boost resilient outcomes in the skills marketplace is what we’re about. I now look forward to Miss Townsend piping down, becoming a team player and facilitating this super opportunity for the Dave Spart Academy.

Our incredible nativity experience will take place in the week before Christmas and tickets are on sale exclusively at St Snoot’s Merchant Slaver Ticket Hall at £10 each for non-affiliated adults and children. Those affiliated to St Snoot’s go free.

Our hugely popular Christmas Carol Service with the St Snoots Renaissance Orchestra and Choir takes place on 23 December from 7.00pm. Unfortunately this has already sold out. However, for those wishing to experience St Marvin’s exceptionally diverse vibrancy at Christmas, the Dave Spart Academy Community Choir will be performing in the graveyard behind the vestry for one hour prior to our landmark carolling event. Remember to dress for the freezing cold and leave quietly so as not to disturb those celebrating inside.

Finally, my candlelit vigil to mourn the twilight of the Americas will continue every Friday after prayers during advent. A positive attendance mark towards admission to St Snoot’s Academy will be awarded for attendance. I look forward to another large turnout and St Marvin’s showing the Donald we will not put up with this sort of thing. We will make America great for wealthy wishy-washy Christian liberals again!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

THE VICAR

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ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #2

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Welcome to another newsletter. May God bless you all. Even those of you spreading wicked dissent around my parish regarding the touchstone car parking arrangements that myself and our talented Parish Administrator, Mr Hughes from Birmingham have implemented.

Let’s be clear. This initiative was only engaged after significant levels of consultation the Thursday before last with key congregational stakeholders at the over-70s coffee morning. I fail to understand how a small one pound donation to park your car to help drive forward Parish core competencies in these financially sub-optimal times and support our ongoing commitment to Mr Hughes’ substantial salary expectation, can be described as “pay to pray”.

This is a silly soundbite designed by stirrers, communists and anti-christian agitators in the parish – and beyond in Avonmouth – to undermine myself and Mr Hughes as we reengineer and modernise parish finance, administration and spiritual values in a challenging context. Perhaps I should remind the Jeremiahs out there of the words of my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon? “Abuse not those who raketh it in for Ye art in charge and know best”.

I also think it better if smart-arse soundbites (which “pay to pray” isn’t) are left to my brilliant new newsletter editor Mr Slocombe who, I think we can all agree, is doing a superb job on a salary even lower than Mr Hughes’s. Aren’t we truly blessed to have such a talent direct from the London Islington parish of St Jeremy-The-Hapless-Incompetent?

However, as the hefty holy door of opportunity revolves for my friend Mr Slocombe, so the godforsaken backdoor of early retirement creaks ajar for Mrs Smith, our valued (by some) tea lady. With the implementation of the pay-as-you-go self-service tea machine initiative in the vestry as part of Mr Hughes’ strategy of front loading back end efficiency savings in the parish, Mrs Smith has decided voluntarily to call it a day.

BlessedI’m sure you’ll all join me in wishing her well. I would especially like to thank her for her occasional hard work and efforts at professionalism and commitment during her time with St Marvin’s. And whatever you choose to do next Mrs Smith – even if that’s worshipping next door at St Theresa-of-the-May’s spreading malicious gossip about Mr Hughes from Birmingham sacking you – we send you our mixed blessings.

Now let’s end with a fantastic good news story. I’m pleased to confirm that the production team for the BBC’s hugely popular Cbeebies smash hit internet-only show, ‘Churchtastic!’ presented by the fabulous Amanda Trifle-Posh, will be filming every Wednesday here at St Marvin’s for another season. Rejoice the Good News! Not only will this earn St Marvin’s as much as £100 a week in potential fees and income, it will position St Marvin’s as an aspirational centre of media excellence within the diocese, which is just how we want to do modern Christianity.

Before we sign contracts with the BBC, however, we will have to initiate repairs to the church roof. Mr Hughes from Birmingham has already identified funds available on a spend-to-borrow-back early investment release basis from the Church Fabric Infrastructure Fund, which will now be known as Church Creative Media Fund to better align St Marvin’s objectives with a modern church agenda.

Mr Hughes says if we maintain a positive uplift in income for an extended period into the medium/long term envelope then we will be able to refacilitate an early off balance sheet liability release within a prudent opportunity window. The Parish Committee have looked very carefully at this finance arrangement and have agreed we should proceed immediately with repairs as there is no financial risk whatsoever based on what Mr Hughes says.

The BBC have also agreed to accept, every term, two exceptional A* students from the parish for production internships with ‘Churchtastic!’ Two exceptionally talented young men and future leaders from St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy are in post already. So come on Miss Townsend and the Dave Spart Academy. Isn’t it about time you pulled your fingers out and delivered some A* students and leaders that can take advantage of the first class opportunities offered by St Marvin’s?

That’s all for another month. Amen, hallelujah and farewell from St Marvin’s the progressive parish. See you on TV!

THE VICAR

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ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS

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Finally – a warm welcome to all of my new flock! Even to those godless fools who made it clear you didn’t want me here. I know who you are!

(And I suggest you remember who’s signing those high-performing church school application forms now. Regardless of what I told Miss Townsend of the Dave Spart Academy School at my interview, they’ll be no free school meal tickets into the best school in my parish. All applications will be impartially judged by me on your material contribution to my parish)

To those of you unfortunate not to have met me yet and learned about my exceptional background in church hall strategy leadership in America and religious health innovation in various small village settings across the UK, an especially big hello.

But first let me mention our former vicar The Reverend Loose Canon Ferguson. Let’s pray together and bless him in his retirement. But let’s also put behind us his theologically misguided views regarding cycling to church first thing on a Sunday morning.

And, let me assure you, a full review of the Rev Ferguson’s car parking strategy is underway. If you need to drive your child ten minutes around the corner in a 4×4 to worship with me on a Sunday, then who am I to stand in the way of your imminent conversation with Our Lord by imposing silly restrictions on the use of our ample parking facilities?

To facilitate this I have already converted the Rev Loose Canon’s underused personal cycle parking into a convenient parking space for my new parish administrator, Mr Hughes from Birmingham’s, impressive limo.

Can I also request that the moaning regarding Mr Hughes from Birmingham’s competitive terms and conditions at the parish office now cease? As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious homophobe, Pastor Righteous Loon, told me last week when I flew in to visit him at his large mansion in New York State, “blessed are the high waged for they will profit themselves.”

BlessedCan I also remind you that any discussion of The Rev Loose Canon’s secretary, Mrs Yates’s small leaving stipend remains banned. I have received another rude letter from her solicitors Angry and Bastard on the High Street and feel we should all draw a line under this matter. We don’t want to be reading about ourselves in the newspapers do we?

However, please rest assured, as promised, I am still continuing to think about starting an independent review by my wife into last year’s church fete organised by Mrs Yates. While there’s no evidence of wrongdoing as such, let’s clear the air and find out more about the substantial donation from Parish funds to the Rev Ferguson’s daughter’s cupcake stall and creche facility and to the Bishop’s impressive private entertainment marquee.

Finally, please note, I am standing down the traditional Parish Church Committee immediately. It is out of date, inefficient and full of non-professionals who don’t really do parish leadership for the 21st Century. Instead I’ll be introducing a Parish Office to drive my business strategy forward.

Miss Klonowski, who’s worked successfully door-to-door across the parish for Cheap Loans-4-U has already agreed to join and deliver a 360-degree review of our targeted financial improvement objectives for a very competitive fee.

I’m hoping too we’ll be joined by Mr Dim, the Head at St RiggedSATs Primary and Prof Cash from the university who has lots of land sale experience. Dr Bent, our wonderful local GP will be joining too as soon as he returns to work having sorted out those silly and unnecessary whistleblowing allegations.

I appreciate none of these people attend church as such but they’re all very active in the community even if they don’t live here.

Obviously, in principle, I look forward to meeting you all soon but due to pressures on my time, can I ask that any personal appointments are booked through Mr Hughes via the Parish’s website, which will be active very soon. Just remember that just because I’m not here among you doesn’t mean that I’m not somewhere among someone probably far more important than you preaching God’s word and enhancing my brilliant career.

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