We’re pleased to exclusively unveil
the city’s latest HIGH TECH INNOVATION, especially for the international export
market, from “the changemakers” – our amazing city leaders and
exciting local business innovators. A round of applause, please for the AVONMOUTH
It’s incredible! A bale of refuse derived fuel (RDF) which is clearly THERE and VISIBLE to the majority of humans, animals and insects but is,
somehow, TOTALLY INVISIBLE to the
Invisi-bale’s owners, large government agencies, councils, regulators, the press
and politicians. How do they do it? And get away with it?
Who cares? Because the Avonmouth Invisi-bale lets large corporate waste
companies get away with UNLAWFULLY storing
huge amounts of POLLUTING RDF
outside their premises. An innovative approach that allows the companies to
make BIGGER PROFITS at a cost to
local PEOPLE’S HEALTH AND WELL-BEING.
“It’s a win-win,” the Reverend Rees told us, “the
Invisi-bale is the latest exciting NATIONAL
AND INTERNATIONAL INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY in Bristol entirely at the expense
of Avonmouth residents. I am proud of Bristol’s growing global recognition for
innovation and our record in developing a THRIVING
ENVIRONMENTALLY SUSTAINABLE ECONOMY that can make big money for important
high net worth individuals. Blessed are the changemakers”
The Mayor for the Merchant
Venturers and the Port of Bristol, Tory Bowels, has personally applauded the
Reverend for his creativity and innovation. He told us, “the Avonmouth
Invisi-bale is great way to fuck over the plebs and make a shit load of money
for my wealthy Tory friends. Hurrah!”
The DISDAIN and DISREGARD that the Reverend Rees and his
council boss friends hold for our elected councillors and the public was on
full display when the Reverend decided to REFUSE to answer public questions at
a Full Council Meeting because some of them may have proved HIGHLY
The Reverend’s senior managers went to work for the
mayor convincing councillors and our idiot Lord Mayor Jos “Halfwit”
Clark that ‘rules’ PREVENTED the Mayor answering public questions during
a general election. Councillors eagerly accepted this ‘advice’ from their
expert officers, apparently oblivious to the fact NOTHING in national
nor local election guidelines prevents either mayors or council leaders
answering public questions at meetings during an election.
To add insult to injury, at this very same council
meeting where council officers were busily INVENTING RULES on behalf of
their coward mayor, councillors were asked to consider an updated ‘Member –
Officer Protocol’. A document outlining how councillors and council officers
needed to treat each other with ‘RESPECT‘! Might this reasonably include
the expectation that council officers tell councillors the truth about election
However, the real kick in the teeth came the next day
when council officers used the council’s official Twitter account to PUBLISH
A PHOTO OF THE REVEREND and his cabinet sidekick, Anna Keen, promoting some
crap mayoral initiative in Southmead in direct contravention of, er, ELECTION
GUIDELINES TO COUNCIL OFFICERS. These simple guidelines state,
“councils should ‘not publish any material which, in whole or in part,
appears to be designed to affect public support for a political party’”.
How could council officers possibly not think a photo
of two senior members of the Labour Party PROMOTING their initiative in
the middle of a general election would not appear designed to affect public
support for Labour?
Encouraged by Ms Townsend and the usual suspects from parish’s OFSTED
‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart Academy, a small unrepresentative minority of
the congregation, sacrilegiously opposed to free market innovation, sensible
change and inclusive growth, are behind another silly whispering campaign from
They are opposing our shared congregational vision, in partnership with
expert corporate developers and consultants from London, for
competitively-priced chipboard homes and a cleaner air new road on the surplus
scrubland of church-owned St Marvin’s Meadows. This is an innovative
transformational future proofing project vital to our shared ‘One Parish
Vision’, championed by my good friend and shadow Parish Committee member, Mr
Sweetland, ably assisted by the good Christians of consulting firm Arup
on a highly competitive day rate.
This project will challenge the climate emergency, address the parish’s
housing crisis and provide homes for decent Christian parishioners able to
financially support our growing church and exploit fair admissions at St
Snoot’s Academy, the parish’s OFSTED ‘outstanding’ high performing religious
secondary school. As my mentor the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious
anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “crisis and
emergency are the Lord’s way to improve the bank balances of the worthy.”
The campaign opposing this, meanwhile, is promoting a number of
JFK-style conspiracy theories. For example, we all already know that St
Marvin’s Meadows is a flood plain but this will not be a problem according to
Mr Molton, our parish’s regeneration services professional kept on a generous
retainer to ignore problems such as this. Indeed, as Mr Molton very cleverly
pointed out at one of our closed meetings in London with our secret investor
team, “Floods never did Noah any harm.”
Campaigners’ complaints that moving the St Marvin’s bypass out of open
countryside, better suited to inclusive climate emergency residential homes
with sensational countryside views, and closer to St Marvin’s Meadows and
nearby council housing are similarly without merit. As are complaints that this
is in any way a “done deal”. Our friends at Arup and our secret
investors have simply supplied us with an objective factual appraisal that is
inarguably correct and the only sensible way forward if we want to solve
parish’s housing crisis and stand down the climate from its emergency status.
However in order to better demonstrate this, I am setting up an
objective and independent panel of myself, Mr Molton, Mr Sweetland, Parishioner
Mr Savage – who you all know for running unsuccessfully for election to the
parish committee on 58 separate occasions – and Parish Committee Chairman, Mr
Jackson. Together we will independently appraise the option and confirm it is
going ahead in everybody’s best interests. This should spell the end of any
further noise on this matter from the back pews.
Which local Academy Trust is
charging its schools at least EIGHT PER CENT of their core income for “central
services” – one of the highest figures in the country? Step forward the
VENTURERS TRUST, the hopelessly underperforming education wing of the Society
of Wealthy Old White Men (Surely Merchant
Last year the greedy COLSTON
TOENAIL WORSHIPPERS charged their eight schools eight per cent of their
general annual grant (GAG) – the funding each academy gets from the Department
for Education. These charges are for
‘BUSINESS SERVICES’ such as human resources, financial services, legal
services, educational support services, property services and, of course, “PR AND COMMUNICATIONS”. The kind of
lucrative work, incidentally, that the toenail trustees and their wealthy mates
However, while charging our schools and children TOP WHACK FOR MARGINAL CRAP, the Toenail Trust has been struggling
on a number of fronts. In OFSTED terms, THREE
of its schools are currently rated as INADEQUATE
and another “REQUIRES IMPROVEMENT”.
Meanwhile, the chair of the Trust, Anthony Browne, DISAPPEARED over the summer following an expensive spot of LEGAL BOTHER. Although the precise cost
of this little escapade is yet to be revealed.
We do, however, know that the trust’s EIGHT SCHOOLS were charged £1.53M
FOR CENTRAL SERVICES in 2017-18 and this was about nine per cent of the £17
million received from the general annual grant that year. Oddly, the previous
year, the schools had been charged less than HALF THIS AMOUNT, a comparatively small £633,000. Where did all
this extra public cash collected by WEALTHY
TRUSTEES WITH LAVISH LIFESTYLES go in this age of austerity?
The same accounts also show that the Toenail Trust’s chief executive, HILARY MACAULEY, personally trousered
£145-£150,000. Just under £150,000, which the Department for Education has said
should only go to leaders for “EXCEPTIONAL”
After years of members of the public working hard at grassroots organisations like COUNTER COLSTON and the BRISTOL RADICAL HISTORY GROUP, the thieving old white men who run the University of Bristol have finally woke(n) up and appointed a PROFESSOR OF THE HISTORY OF SLAVERY. They will “examine Bristol’s connection to the transatlantic slave trade”. Work that has already, largely, BEEN DONE by our city’s grassroots historians anyway.
The university old boys have hired Sorbonne-educated hack, Olivette
Otele, with a press fanfare that has somehow eluded less prestigious local
historians tackling the same subject without THE ELITE EDUCATION, the ‘DIVERSE’
BACKGROUND and a PROFESSIONAL PR
DEPARTMENT talking them up.
Anyway, won’t it be interesting to see whether Olivette, who lists
“memorialisation of the past” as an interest, publicly demands the IMMEDIATE REMOVAL of Colston’s statue
from the Centre? Or will she piss arse
about ‘NUANCING‘ in the elite-style,
making CRAP EXCUSES and rambling on
about ‘corrective plaques’ and the like?
In a bizarre outburst of WHITE
LIBERAL GUILT, Nazi Post editor and reformed
tinpot Tory, Mike “News Bunny” Norton, has apologised to his readers
for publishing a large front page photo of the Reverend Rees that didn’t depict
the glorious leader in a pose that his supporters felt made him LOOK IMPORTANT
A highly enthusiastic front page splash with the headline “I’LL PAVE THE WAY FOR THE FUTURE”
appeared the day after the Reverend’s UNDERPOWERED
‘State of the City’ speech last month. A speech widely received in the city –
outside the pages of News Bunny’s DELUDED
PUBLICATION – as yet another wholesale departure from lived reality by the
Reverend and his team of clueless acolytes.
However, News Bunny’s cheerleading splash didn’t reflect THE VANITY OF THE REVEREND or his
efforts to create a cult of personality in the way the city’s woke race
relations industry now demand. One of them, Tracie Joliffe, an obscure NHS
middle manager, BLASTED News Bunny
on Twitter, “Was it a deliberate strategy to portray an image of the Mayor
@MarvinJRees like a criminal mug shot?”
The nutty complaint was then taken up by Sandra Gordon from the
Reverend’s official Commission for Racial Equality talking shop. She THUNDERED, “the picture of Marvin
published does not portray our city leader in a pose that reflects this article
– he was delivering a critically important speech to a packed audience in the
imposing Wills Memorial Building.”
News Bunny immediately switched to PANIC
MODE over this harmless front page close-up pic of the Reverend –
which looked nothing like a “criminal mugshot” – even comparing
it to the notorious ‘FACES OF EVIL’Nazi Post front page of 1997, and
published a FAWNING APOLOGY to
“It was not appropriate,” wailed the city’s latest ESTABLISHMENT SNOWFLAKE, “It
didn’t give Bristol Post’s readership the right message about Marvin’s position
in the city and about the importance of his role or of this address.”
Indeed not. The right message would require a photo of Rees with his head up his arse.
by CITIZENS ROBESPIERRE &
MURAT ably assisted by Dr J.I Guillotin
November’s Full Council meeting
saw an outbreak of ‘MARIE ANTOINETTE SYNDROME’ among entitled councillors in
official foppery pitted against a SEETHING MASS of unwashed sans-culottes in
the public gallery. Controversy began when Lord Mayor Jos Clark decided
(without historical precedence in Bristol or nationally) to SUSPEND PUBLIC
QUESTIONS to the Mayor due to “lack of time, because of the national
The Lord Mayor had informed public questioners by email that they could
NOT ASK QUESTIONS in the Council
Chamber and that the Mayor would not offer any verbal answers. Instead,
questioners would receive a written response within 10 working days. The
BRISTOLIAN, analysed these questions and – lo and behold – many were POTENTIALLY EMBARRASSING to the
Reverend Rees. Raising issues such as the gentrification of Cumberland Basin,
jobs for Marvin’s evangelical pals and the contra-BCC policy of hiring trade
unionist BLACKLISTING CONSTRUCTION FIRMS.
Chaos reigned in the public gallery as, first, questioners were told
that THEY COULDN’T SPEAK OR GET ANSWERS.
Then they were told that, maybe, they COULD
ASK QUESTIONS BUT NOT RECEIVE ANSWERS and then, finally, they were told
that the original ruling would stand. Breathless council flunkies dashed around
the chamber with leaflets and ‘clarifications’ as each modification was made up
on the spur in council back offices. Adding to the confusion, it also turned
out that some questioners were unaware of this ARBITRARY DECISION until they arrived.
Next, onlookers in the public gallery were confronted by BRISTOL’S COUNCILLORS SWANNING IN to
pose in Hawaiian shirts for a photographer. Why was this? It was supposed to be
a tribute to Hawaiian shirt fan Cllr Mike Langley, who had recently died.
Shirt-clad councillors posed with arms around each other before going off to
their benches and delivering 40 MINUTES
OF SPEECHES in memoriam to their deceased colleague.
Those who knew Mike – A GENUINE
SOCIALIST – were confronted with the unedifying spectacle of Tory, Blairite
Labour, Lib Dem and the rest competing to see who could deliver the most NAUSEOUS HYPOCRISY while shedding CROCODILE TEARS as most of them had
hated Mike. One councillor even announced … ‘In the words of Mike Langley,
Vive la Revolution!’ The whole SORRY
SPECTACLE resembled one of French Queen Marie Antoinette’s ‘soirees’ where
she and her courtiers would dress up to play peasant shepherds and
shepherdesses while real peasants starved outside the gates.
After their PRIVATE FANCY DRESS
PARTY, the public presence in the gallery was finally acknowledged by the Versailles
Court and farce descended into ABSURDITY.
When ‘no-question’ time was announced, ONE
PLUCKY PROLE stood up and asked why procedure had changed from what was in
the council constitution?
Lord Mayor Clark tried to shut down this unseemly interruption to her
travesty in motion while security goons twitched in anticipation on the gallery
stairwell. Their services were unnecessary, however, as the prole sat down
after shouting – to thunderous applause from angry sans-culottes in the gallery
– ‘YOU’RE A DISGRACE – YOU SHOULD
Rumours of scythes and pitchforks
being sharpened in Bristol’s outlying suburbs cannot be confirmed.
A well-placed source tells us that it’s
slowly dawning on the boss class at the Counts Louse that the Reverend Rees has
NO HOPE OF WINNING THE MAYORAL ELECTION next May and will not be serving
another term as they had anticipated. This, we learn, has resulted in some especially
long queues at Counts Louse shredding facilities as “NO ONE WANTS TO END
UP IN COURT”.
What have the Reverend, his PR bag man
“Slo” Kev Slocombe and their dubious corporate property man
“Head Boy” Molton been up to for the last few years then? Are the
Reverend’s chickens en route to their roost? Will it require ANOTHER REPORT
from STEVE BUNDRED to get to the bottom of all this?
Maybe someone at the Counts Louse should give Steve a call now?
“I WANT TO BE PRIME
MINISTER,” announced the Reverend Rees to some unfortunate young people
who somehow got trapped in a room and forced to listen to our Mayor’s
meaningless jargon-riddled drivel at the LABOUR PARTY CONFERENCE last month.
What a great idea from the Reverend.
Apart from the limited intellect, the thin skin, the lack of character, an
Inability to lead, the hopelessly poor judgement, the crap Thatcherite
politics, the corporate free market obsession and the dodgy gang of right wing
evangelical mates he’s promoted, WHAT’S TO STOP THE REVEREND GETTING ELECTED
TO RUN THE COUNTRY?
The ‘Smart City’ prophets love games
and play and promote them hard because what you need to understand is that the
‘Smart City’ is a whole lot of fun. Harmless fun entirely for your benefit. It
brings jobs, growth and innovation to make you wealthy and delivers
entertainment, play and games to keep you happy.
Here in Bristol we have a publicly
funded organisation dedicated to promoting what a load of harmless fun a ‘Smart
City’ is – the Pervasive Media Studio at the Watershed. “It’s a world of
amazingness and wonder. If Willy Wonka existed, he’d be jealous of it :)”
Kieron Kirkland, their former Magician-in-residence uncritically assures us.
Magically unaware that the manufacturing of confectionary doesn’t conjure huge
amounts of behavioural data for tech firms to appropriate and monetise.
The Pervasive Media Studio’s big idea
is the ‘Playable City’. “There were a lot of older people,” these ageists
tell us, “who were totally terrified at the notion of a smart city and how cold
and alienating it was. So we decided to reappropriate smart cities’ technology
But who’s playing what game and
what is really being reappropriated in a ‘Smart/Playable City’? Are “older
people” right to be alienated? On the face of it, Pervasive Media, once
you get past its creepy name, is pretty harmless. ‘Playable City’ is little
more than an annual international conference and accompanying prize for daft
ideas such as creating smart phone enabled talking street furniture or randomly
triggering projections of animals at unsuspecting pedestrians at night.
So far, so much municipally imposed fun
courtesy of hipsters. However, the corporate Godfather of the outdoor digital
play market, Pokémon GO, is taking digital play somewhere else entirely.
Initially this ‘augmented reality mobile game’ involved finding and capturing,
on your phone, virtual cartoon characters in your neighbourhood. Then Pokémon
GO struck deals with the likes of McDonalds, Starbucks and other corporates who
handed over hard cash in exchange for the behavioural and location data held by
These transactions transformed Pokémon
GO. A cheap, harmless hour in the park with the kids hunting virtual
characters became the completely different game of nudging you through the door
of a corporate outlet to spend money.
is a step forward in the use of your behavioural data by tech firms. They’re
moving beyond storing and analysing data to predict your behaviour (say
through promoting certain ads on the internet at you) to trying to directly
manage and control your behaviour through your digital device. Behavioural
control and management is the new frontier for big data firms in the ‘Smart
City’ test bed and play and games are among the tools in their box.
When you pick up your phone to play, regardless of how old you are, be sure to know what game you’re playing.