Category Archives: News

Juicy tales of corruption and stupidity from across Bristol

BUNDRED BUFFOON LIES ON CV

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The city council’s not so new HR BOSS, John “Bedwetter” Walsh, described by his own staff as “a mentally disturbed twat”, was appointed in June after a year long stint working the post as an interim on a cool £750 A DAY. Bedwetter, however, has form in Bristol as he also worked as a HR consultant at the council in 2014.

“Recognised as an award winner for the quality of my work, my previous role at Bristol City Council was to lead the Transformation work to deliver £83M savings which was achieved within 12 months,” booms Bedwetter from his CV on Linkedin, which he uses to desperately try to grab MORE lucrative public sector consultancy work.

That’s impressive isn’t it? £83MILLION in savings achieved for Bristol City Council? How did he do that then? What award did he win? “I completed an assignment leading a major change project at Bristol City Council. Tasked with leading a 12 strong team to produce in year savings of £82M through restructuring over 120 service areas within the Council, the targets were delivered within timescales with all service areas being realigned to meet customer requirements,” he assures FUTURE EMPLOYERS.

Very impressive. Not least as Bedwetter’s not sure if he saved £82m or £83m. But when did he do all this amazing work in Bristol? Er, in 2014 implementing a major redundancy programme that was later the subject of an INVESTIGATION in 2017’s Bundred Report into crap financial management at the council.

Bundred says this about Bedwetter’s 2014 programme, “It ASSERTED that workforce reductions agreed up to that point would generate savings with a full-year effect of £21.023m but only £15.882m in 2014/15, £6.118m below the budgeted target.”

So, there NEVER was £83million of savings, just £21million and Walsh only delivered £15million of that. Achieving about 18 per cent of the savings claimed on his CV. Walsh then completes his spectacular LYING CV by claiming “Over 800 employees left the organisation but only 9 were made compulsory redundant.”

Not according to Bundred, “The original estimate was that to generate savings of around 15% of budgeted staff costs a headcount reduction equivalent to around 700fte would be needed. The ACTUAL ACHIEVEMENT being proclaimed as a success was 509fte.”

And even these redundancies failed to deliver much. Bundred says,  “A draft audit report issued to managers in November 2015 found that payroll costs HAD NOT in fact been reduced. Auditors believed posts were being deleted that had been vacant for a long time so there was no actual saving and when actual people were released they were often replaced by interims/contractors or casual staff.”

Why’s Rees put an incompetent fantasist who’s already failed once in charge of his HR service?

THE BATTLE OF THE BEARPIT

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by Ben Ritchie, communications attaché to the BDF

Pitch your tent and man the BARRICADES! The Bearpit has been taken! Staring down the forces of gentrification, the ragtag militia of the BEARPIT DEFENCE FORCE (BDF) have dug in deep and are preparing with their allies for a long, hard winter campaign.

New Labour’s General Rees holds the eastern front, flanked by his psyops commander Kevin Slocombe and Kamikaze pilot Asher “THE SLASHER” Craig. Pumping out the propaganda, The Slasher has claimed that “the Bearpit experiment is over” and has promised the bourgeois forces a ‘creative hub’, coffee bean mushroom farm and EVICTION of the homeless residents.

After hearing this news the residents have used BDF support to OCCUPY strategic areas on the battlefield. The residents now have access to water, shelter and security.

New Labour’s proxy zealots ‘THE CIRCLE’ corporation are spread across the Northern front, cutting off supply lines to the People’s Republic of Stokes Croft and hoping to intercept new recruits.

New Labour Circle puppets Miriam ‘Carbs’ Delogu, Simon ‘Fundsurfer’ Green and Robin ‘Spent’ Halpenny have sought resupply from TRIODOS BANK and RESONANCE to continue their fight, despite closing their Bearritos command centre three times in 2018 (it was dissolved at companies house in August 2017).

The People’s Republic of Stokes Croft remain engaged in street fighting within their capital, dragging out pitched battles near HAMILTON HOUSE and TURBO ISLAND. We hope that PRSC freedom fighters will soon break the northern lines of the Circle and deliver much-needed paintbrushes and decorative ceramics to the cause.

On the Southern front intelligence suggests that The GOLDEN KEY, a shady multi agency placeholder for the homeless will be holding a meeting with Broadmead Improvement District’s (BID) Gruppenfuher John ‘thehomelessareaterroristthreat’ Hirst and Golden Key’s own Nick ‘TENTSNATCHER‘ Hooper at John Wesley’s Chapel, 36 The Horsefair. Heavy artillery is moving into place to ensure that there will be no treaty signed between the Circle corporation and BID.

We call on the people of Bristol to stand on legs that have rested for far too long and fight with hands that have for too long been held behind our backs. Homeless, renting, squatting, boating or whatever your situation, STAND UP NOW! Stand up to neoliberal New Labour politicians, stand up to developers taking a slice of OUR city, stand up to unelected fundraising children who throw a tantrum at the sight of a rough sleeper!

Get your dirty hands dirtier! Join the BDF and gender-neutral pronoun the barricades

Rotten Comrades: “Equalities Champions on the March!”

Human Resources have been in a flap recently. Not only has the issue regarding underpayment of “scores” of staff (see Smiter passim) been reaching boiling point but the fur has been flying regarding racial discrimination as well.

Now, I haven’t written much about racism in The BRISTOLIAN – if at all – but issues regarding race have cropped up from time to time at the council and have been painfully slow to resolve.

The fact that we have a black mayor, that we have a duty to promote equalities, that we have an old and well-organised community of BME citizens and that it is illegal to harass or discriminate on the basis of race should make it pretty unlikely that anyone will get away with doing that sort of thing at Bristol City Council. Or at least, if someone felt like engaging in a spot of racism they would, at least, hide it really well so that they wouldn’t get their arses kicked out of their jobs.

Well, it would seem some of our more dumber managers haven’t given it much thought and have carried out their innately resentful and hate-filled agendas anyway. So much so, they have attracted the attention of Bristol City Council’s equalities ‘self led groups’ who in turn have contacted HR and the Head of Paid Service, Mike “shh-mo” Jackson. “Scores” of incidents have been quoted as having taken place and very little has been done about them.

HR is not happy at this new source of interference in their strategy of keeping a lid on everything. This has been especially galling as they have spent years controlling, diverting, and in some cases “letting go”, the more uncontrollable middle-ranking trade union reps – what I call your experienced barrack-room lawyer. Instead, cultivating the more useless and amenable trade union reps into positions of high influence, where it can all be jolly-hockey-sticks and fluffy kittens.

Anyway, a new form of barrack-room lawyer – the equalities champion – has arisen, as if from nowhere, to pick up the baton the unions have dropped. A bit of competition can only help, don’t you think? The unions don’t like this at all. It is – at least theoretically – their patch. Well, our equalities champions want to know: why have the unions been ignoring desperate people with just grievances begging them for help?

And the answer seems to have come back: well, they didn’t fill in the right form and other such useless excuses. A “frank exchange of views” reportedly broke out after that. And then, when it was asked, why are the unions not supporting staff at stage one of the grievance process, Unison’s reply was: they weren’t sure they should be doing that anymore. The exchange of views got franker.

I’ve been told the equalities people came away with the impression that the unions were in some way compromised, which I think pretty much sums it up. Which is not to say that there aren’t good barrack-room lawyers in the unions – I could count ten or so across all of them – it’s just a waste of time seeking help from the unions if you are given the wrong rep, as sad as that might sound to all of us.

The underpayment scandal update.
I had actually drafted an article announcing that management had seen sense over this and done the right thing. But then it seems a lack of common sense had intervened at the last minute.

I was told that one of our better reps was ambushed in the Count’s Louse by some of our worst reps, on his way to deliver a list of names of people prepared to sue the Council over the underpayment scandal. Our protagonist’s opponents – the three stooges (as I like to call them) – were reported to have staged a Dick Turpin style corridor intervention where they made it clear our protagonist was showing them up and it was their case now.

Our hero cried out: ‘no justice, no peace’ and brushed them aside. But he was not quick enough – the three stooges made their own offer to HR based on the sort of insane formula made up by people who don’t know anything about contract law.

In essence, they screwed it up, making the sort of offer that led to HR leaning back and rolling their eyes into their heads. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, our useless, “rotten comrades” will now no doubt flap their arms about a bit before losing interest, thus letting our hero have another go.

Well, hopefully …

DIPSHIT’S FAKE NEWS TROLL BULLY SMEAR

Having openly solicited donations from the wealthy of his Bristol North West constituency for an “independent election fund”, turncoat MP and Macronist moron, Darren “Dipshit” Jones, has launched a remarkable attack on his own constituency’s Labour Party members.

Dipshit denies any wrongdoing, despite breaking Labour party rules, and instead claims that his members that rightly brought his disreputable conduct to public attention are “trolls”and “bullies” peddling “fake news”.

Nowt fake about it Dipshit. You’re trying to set up an independent election fund from your publicly funded Labour office and your members ain’t happy.

For godssakes resign man. The Lib Dems  and obscurity await …

 

From: Darren Jones MP <darren@darren-jones.co.uk>
To: X
Sent: Sunday, 16 December 2018, 15:44:29 GMT
Subject: Leaving the Labour Party?

Dear Member / Supporter,

Friends of Darren Jones

A supporters network has recently been set up called “Friends of Darren Jones”.

Established off the back of some local residents who wanted to support my work as their local MP, but who didn’t want to join the Labour Party, this informal group is essentially a list of local supporters (who can, if they wish, donate to my campaigning costs as the local MP).We only win marginal seats like Bristol North West when we persuade people who might not always vote Labour to do so. I therefore welcome their support.

Fake News

Some of our fellow Labour Party members are using their own political motivations to undermine the work that I do on behalf of our party and for my constituents.

This is because that significant minority of members have made it clear that they would rather I wasn’t our Labour Member of Parliament here in Bristol North West.

They have therefore turned what is a good news story about winning the support of residents who don’t normally vote Labour into a fake news story that I have decided to leave the Labour Party to become an Independent.

I don’t normally respond to trolls, but I know that this rumour has worried some of you who I have campaigned with shoulder-to-shoulder over many years.

As you all know, I have been a member of the Labour Party my entire adult life and a dedicated Labour Party campaigner continuously at each and every election for over a decade.

So let me be clear: I’m not going anywhere. 

I respect the rights of members to decide who to have as our Parliamentary Candidate and – with good fortune – as our local Labour MP.

And if local members wish to trigger a re-selection process when that process starts I can confirm that I will put myself forward once again and campaign to win your support in order that we win the next General Election.

We don’t welcome bullies

At a time when these few members are trying to bully elected local party leaders, councillors and MPs out of office, I want to make it loud and clear that that behaviour is not welcome in our party.

As your Labour Member of Parliament I am a leader of our local party and the public face of it in our area. I won’t just stand by and not call out bullying when I see it.

I know that the vast majority of you reading this are loyal, dedicated and positive members of our movement. I ask that, together, we call out the trolling and the arm chair bullying for what it is and focus once again on seeking to change the country for the many.

I remain committed to that cause and, with your support, we can carry on helping local residents in Bristol North West and contributing to changing the country too.If you do have any further questions, please just reply to this e-mail and I’ll come back to you.

Yours as ever

Darren

Darren Jones MP
Labour Member of Parliament, Bristol North West

INDIE MP JONES AND THE LEAFLET OF DOOM

INDIE MP JONES

Labour Party members in Bristol North West are FURIOUS with a leaflet their moron MP, Darren “Dipshit” Jones, distributed in Henleaze and Westbury on Trym recently.

Apparently coming from “FRIENDS OF DARREN“, not the party that selected him, the leaflet ditched Labour’s usual red branding and logos for some fetching GREEN branding instead. Dipshit then informed readers he supported the so-called ‘People’s Vote’, a second referendum on Brexit, an, er, Lib Dem policy – and invited people to donate to his “INDEPENDENT ELECTION FUND“.

The leaflet went on to say, “For those of us who support Darren but don’t want to donate to the LABOUR PARTY, we can now donate to his Independent Re-election Fund. Donations will be held independently by Darren and all donations are welcome.”

These leaflets were targeted and distributed in Henleaze and Westbury-on-Trym. Apparently solely for the benefit of the local Waitrose crew as not a trace of these leaflets can be found in the WORKING CLASS AREAS of Dipshit’s patch such as Avonmouth, Southmead and Lockleaze.

What’s going on here then? Is this a middle class coup in Bristol North West? Members have been expelled from the Labour Party for far less …

 

RESPECTABLE DOUGHNUT JOY

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A petition from “local residents’ is to appear at the Council House in November complaining about “INCONSIDERATE SKATEBOARDING” in and around the War Memorial in the Centre.

Quite who is “local” to the memorial in the middle of a glorified roundabout is not clear but rest assured Bristol City Council will be taking URGENT ACTION on this matter. Not least because they are about to “publicise opportunities for trading pitches in the space which the council thinks will improve the activity there”. Or cash in on it as it’s also known

How is it that skateboarding can be banned from our war memorial as “inconsiderate” while a load of stalls selling doughnuts and conveniently paying fees to the council are considered the height of respectability?

CORBYN IN URGENT ENGLISH LIT INTERVENTION

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With the city’s housing crisis officially averted by a global fixed income and derivatives specialist and a religious nut who’s “no housing expert”, JEREMY CORBYN swung into town to grace us with his Jesus-like presence on October 11. The very day it was announced 100 per cent of kids in CLIFTON went to university while only 9 per cent of kids in HARTCLIFFE did.

So what burning issue of the day did the Jezza choose to raise regarding the AUSTERITY SHATTERED LIVES of long suffering Bristolians? Education inequality? SEND cuts? The failing NHS? The wage freeze since the turn of the Millenium? Rogue landlords? Brexit? The slow financial death of local authorities?

Er, no. Jeremy met a selected group of people from UJIMA RADIO and the CREATIVE YOUTH NETWORK to outline to them what books he thought he should be on the GCSE curriculum for English Lit.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a male MP in possession of the Labour Party leadership, must be in want of a brain”

JOINED UP GOVERNMENT: THE BOTTLE YARD

Boyyleyard

Having spunked £1.2million in 2016 on a new roof and buying the freehold of the Bottle Yard Studios in Hengrove, the Reverend’s cabinet, urged on by finance chief Craig “Crapita” Cheney, has come up with an entirely NEW PLAN for their film studios in 2018.

They’ve now decided to spunk further MILLIONS moving the studios half a mile down the road to Hawkfield Business Park, which they intend to buy some time in the next month. The cost of this substantial piece of real estate is, currently, a closely guarded “commercially confidential” SECRET.

Four of the Bottle Yard studios will move to Hawkfield in late 2020 and then the last two will move there after the Reverend has SPUNKED more money building two purpose-built studios on the site by 2022.

The official reason supplied by the Reverend and his cabinet for this EXPENSIVE MOVE is that “the lack of soundproofing in older, unadapted buildings will render three (possibly four) of the current studios inoperable” once housing at the proposed Hengrove Park development is built.

However, insiders tell us that the current Bottle Yard site is simply “NOT FIT FOR PURPOSE“, which raises the question of why did the Reverend invest £1.2million into the site in 2016? Especially as the council claims the business only generates £100k a year so has little chance of ever paying back this huge PUBLIC HANDOUT.

Meanwhile at Hawkfield, the Reverend’s cabinet report breezily informs us that the COST of repairs alone, will be £520k and “this may have a direct impact on the Bottle Yard Studios overall operating position if they are to pick up these costs.”

In other words, we’ll be picking up the BILL for the purchase of the Hawkfield site and its repairs so that the Bottle Yard Studios can continue to pretend – for PR purposes – to “generate” money for the public purse.

It doesn’t. It runs at a loss and will run at a bigger one now.

DIPSHIT AND DUDD’S POLLUTION DETECTIVE AGENCY

DIPSHIT AND DUDD'S POLLUTION DETECTIVE AGENCY

The Avonmouth night was dark and moist and a pall of heavy smoke hung in the air at the agile office space of Dipshit and Dudd Investigations Inc. The only sound was the smug hum of overpriced Apple products bought on expenses and an old overhead fan that was failing to clear the air. This fug, however, wasn’t from cigarettes but from the burning of principles and campaign promises.

The unlikely duo sat in their office waiting for the iPhone XS to ring. Dipshit Darren Jones MP was attempting to straighten his hair with a clothes press while updating his homework log for a remedial Access to Technology course at the local poly. Kye Dudd, Cabinet Member for Waste, began to annoy the local cats with a saxophone rendition of Careless Whisper(s) in preparation for a performance at the upcoming Southville Sourdough, Stilt and Yogurt Weaving Festival for Corbyn.

Dipshit: How the fuck am I going to explain it to the electorate Dudd?

Dudd: What are you rambling on about now you twizzle haired fucktrumpet?

Dipshit: Charming! No need to have a pop at me buddy, you’re the one who went there and met the idiots.

Dudd: I had no choice. They were bullying me on social media and pointing out that I wasn’t doing what I am employed to do. I mean fuck ’em and all that  but they were making me look bad. This could impact on my chances of getting the Reverend to erect a lifesize statue of me for services to Corbynism at the new spaceport transit hub in the Bearpit.

Dipshit: You look bad? You’re not the one who stood up and denied there was a problem when there clearly was.

Dudd: Oh fuck off, you git. How much more do you trouser each month than me? You got the motherlode, £77k plus expenses. How many greased hamsters can you get for that?

Dipshit: Well they got an FOI in that promises to expose me for covering up the problem. It’s due soon. I’ve got the local rag onside so they won’t cover it but there are others that might.

Dudd: Who? Tell me and I’ll make sure they never talk again. I got mates you know.

Dipshit: Fuck off you wanker. Your mates? That’s Don Alexander and his shitty copy of the Old Testament isn’t it? I think I can handle it. My associates have a common purpose and the Rev’s into it up to his neck. He’ll ensure the media paint us in a good light..

Dudd: Who are these twats anyway? They claim to live in the parish?

Dipshit: A bunch of boghoppers who scratch a crust off the tip at Avonmouth.

Dudd: Ah that’s fine then. Thought they might be important. Is that even in the parish?

Dipshit: Allegedly, yes. We get taxes off them but in reality it belongs to our friends the Bellringers. They bought it for £1 and a dodgy pie from the clown prince a couple of years ago.

Dudd.. Phew, fuck ’em all then.

Dudd picks up his sax and Daz scratches his head and frowns at his confusing homework log.

AVONMOUTH COUNCILLOR IN RACISM ROW

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Is Avonmouth Labour councillor Don “Lenin” Alexander a LIAR, MISOGYNIST and a RACIST?

At a recent Labour Party event to discuss waste issues for their manifesto for the 2020 mayoral election, Lenin openly shouted at a “difficult” female member, telling her “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP“. This was after she raised the issue of the FLY INFESTATION at Avonmouth and the conduct of the regulatory bodies responsible, Bristol City Council and the Environment Agency.

This, however, is not the first time Lenin has managed to INSULT MINORITIES. When he recently appeared on the council’s Public Safety Committee, responsible for licencing taxis, committee members were shocked when Lenin told a muslim taxi driver that he couldn’t have tinted windows in his taxi because it might ENCOURAGE TERRORISTS!

 Shouldn’t this revolting little shit be in the Tory Party?