Category Archives: Educashun

SHINE ON YOU CRAZY REVEREND

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The smooth roll-out of one of the Rev Rees’s keynote policies is something to behold isn’t it? In his vast and creaking manifesto last year the vicar promised to, “work with businesses and voluntary partners to ensure that all schools have a BREAKFAST CLUB by 2020.”

By October, the Reverend’s breakfasting ambitions had vaulted somewhat and following his ‘State of the City Address’ the Nazi Post reported that every child would have access to a FREE BREAKFAST at school “to ensure they get off to a good start”. The Reverend also promised he would maximise uptake of the pupil premium “to provide the costs”.

By January this year, the vicar was for turning and announced in a rambling New Year message in the Nazi Post that “we will deliver on a promise to have breakfast clubs in every primary school, so no child has to start the day hungry”. Although any discussion of “costs” had miraculously DISAPPEARED.

Now news arrives from Hillcrest Primary School in Totterdown that a private business, ‘Shine‘, has won another contract with a gullible Bristol primary school to deliver ‘wraparound’ childcare services at the school. This will include a BREAKFAST CLUB and after school childcare at the school.

Shine – getting themselves off to a good start at least – will be replacing the existing locally-run breakfast club at the school after Easter and have announced they will immediately raise charges to all parents by an inflation-busting 30 PER CENT!

Any kids who might be starting the day hungry, however, aren’t even mentioned by the school or their shiny new BUSINESS PARTNER in this brave new breakfasting world. Is this the model the Reverend had in mind for his school breakfast clubs?

Shine, to squeeze a few more quid in profits from parents and to piss off any locals they may have previously overlooked, will also be setting up an afterschool club at Hillcrest in DIRECT COMPETITION with the current service run on a wing, a prayer and a shoestring by a longstanding local charity – the Totterdown Community Children’s Workshop.

And to complete this neo-Roman orgy of PRIVATE SECTOR GREED emerging from the school? A special icing on the cake for some parents: most of the school’s locally sourced music teachers – providing individual tuition to kids – have also announced to parents they will CEASE lessons after Easter!

This comes after the school tried to slap a room hire charge on these teachers, which would have resulted in a 25 PER CENT INCREASE in bills to parents for the same lesson!

Welcome to Rees’s rip-off Bristol where, maybe, for a fat fee to a well-placed business, no child starts the day hungry but parents may well end the day bankrupt …

LEGAL NEWS aka Dean Blake’s ‘Crisis PR management’ update

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Our man who bothers to pay attention to media law draws our attention to this story on the BBC:

Parody copyright laws set to come into effect

What it basically says is that a European Copyright Directive now allows the use of copyright material for parody so long as it is fair and does not compete with the original version.

And here is that amendment in English law:

copyright law

And what this means is that if Cabot Learning Federation wish to take action against us in regards to their alleged copyright of this image …

Brunel Academy

… Then they’re going to have to take us to court and persuade the judge it isn’t funny!

What a day in court that will be. Book your seats now!

DODGY BUSINESSMEN RUNNING OUR SCHOOLS: #1 THE CHILD KILLER

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peterprice

This spiv is running our schools

Meet Peter “HIGH” Price. He’s a director of the Cabot Learning Federation, which runs a load of schools in Bristol including Bristol Brunel Academy, John Cabot Academy, Hanham Woods Academy, Kings Oak Academy and Bristol Metropolitan Academy.

Price is also a systematic CHILD ABUSER. He happily oversees a cruel disciplinary regime at his schools called “ISOLATION“. Basically Price permits his senior bosses to detain children in an empty room on their own with nothing to do all day for minor breaches of his silly school rules.

We believe this revolting practice of imprisoning children against their will is an abuse of these children’s HUMAN RIGHTS and should be classed as child abuse. We also believe the perpetrators of such crimes should be being INVESTIGATED by the authorities. Does any parent out there believe they would not be subject to investigation if they forcibly shut their child away on their own in a room all day with nothing to do?

However, we doubt criminality really bothers “Right” Price that much. Because, in his day job, Price is a senior executive in ROLLS ROYCE‘s “Defence Aerospace business sector”. This means he basically designs and builds weapons that blow – mainly Middle Eastern – kids up for big, BIG BUCKS!

In comparison to being murdered from 30,000 feet by one of Price’s state-of-the-art WAR PLANES, being put in “isolation” for the day is not much of a big deal is it? A rather small crime against humanity that can be overlooked in Price’s alternative moral universe perhaps?

Peter’s shitty little company, Rolls Royce, meanwhile, are fighting off accusations of “multi-billion dollar BRIBERY and KICK-BACK schemes” in just the US, Indonesia, China, Brazil and India at present!

So is this character, a senior boss in an extraordinarily DODGY INDUSTRY steeped in murder, bribery, corruption and the dark arts, really morally fit to run our schools? And is this ARMS PROFITEER really capable of sound judgement? Especially when you consider he’s dedicated his whole life to designing machines able to kill substantial numbers of children more efficiently.

The Bristolian says Price out now! We want school bosses who deal in humanity not death.

COMING SOON: DODGY BUSINESSMEN RUNNING OUR SCHOOLS: #2 THE DODGY LAWYER FUNNELING SIX FIGURE SUMS OF PUBLIC MONEY FOR EDUCATION INTO HIS FIRM

Ooh, er missus: LEGAL THREAT OF THE DAY

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Dean

Oily or wot?

Another day, another legal threat … This one comes courtesy of Dean “SHIFTY” Blake, an oily looking character in a cheap pin stripe suit.

Dean styles himself “Communications Manager, Cabot Learning Federation” and appears to be touting for private business for himself using a picture of David Cameron, here, on a website entirely paid for by tax payers allegedly to promote, er, educating our kids.

Microsoft Word - Cabot.docx

Oily PR for hire ..

Anyway, it seems cry baby Dean is upset with this amusing little photo we published recently:

Brunel Academy

Although please note, he doesn’t dispute the content of our story on the Bristol Brunel Academy, published here.

Anyway, here’s Dean’s soppy little threat to us in full:

Dear Sir

This photograph is the property of Bristol Brunel Academy. Neither the Academy, nor those featured in the picture, have given their permission for the photograph to be used in this way. Please remove the photograph from your website as soon as possible for the following reasons:

1. Infringement of copyright; Bristol Brunel Academy own this picture
2. Safeguarding of staff and students
3. Defamation of character in regard to the member of staff

If this image has not been removed within 24 hours of this message being posted, we will escalate proceedings via our legal team.

Ooh! Fighting talk! It’s always a good idea to threaten us!

Although, in the first place, if there’s a “safeguarding” issue with this photo, maybe Dean should not have published it along with all the other photos of kids on his own public website? Or does he only use the safe bit of the internet?

So here’s our response to Dean:

Hi Dean, you soppy little PR plonker,

If you wish to send us legal threats then please do it through a fucking lawyer. We’re hardly likely to take any notice of some witless, half-educated wannabe PR bloke in a cheap pin stripe suit are we?

In the meantime, can we suggest you and the rest of your Cabot Learning Federation fuck off and get on with educating our children properly rather than picking a fight with a local news service who are simply pointing out that you’re abusing children. Last time we looked, locking people away against their will was an abuse of their human rights. We suggest you stop it.

Finally, please note, any “legal” correspondence sent to us will be immediately posted online so that we can all howl with laughter at it. We also reserve the right to put in FoI requests to find out how much of our money – meant for the education of our kids – will be handed over to a provincial Temple Quay law firm to argue aimlessly with us over a comedy photo.

In the meantime, thanks for keeping this story rolling for us. Top PR work mate!

We look forward to hearing from your non-existent “legal team”.

Regards,

Oh happy days …

STALAG LUFT CABOT

9 Replies

Brunel Academy

Cabot Learning Federation, which includes Bristol Brunel Academy, John Cabot Academy and Bristol Metropolitan Academy is at the centre of a ROW with parents. This is due to their new disciplinary policy, which is OPPRESSIVE to say the least

The new policy means children are being sent to ‘ISOLATION’ for speaking, chewing gum or not having the proper uniform. Even having your shirt untucked can lead to conflict with the wardens, er, I mean teachers! Stories emerging from parents suggest that having the WRONG COLOUR SOCKS can lead to a pupil missing a day’s schooling and being dumped in conditions that might meet a UN definition of torture!

Isolation basically means that the child is excluded from all lessons and is put into a bare room on their own with NOTHING TO DO. They are not allowed to speak to anyone and there is no education for the child that day.

While the schools’ web site bangs on about how absences from school means a child misses out and could fall behind, these schools are more than happy to let a child “miss out” for chewing some gum. Parents can get large fines and even prison for taking their child on holiday during term, yet headteachers get MASSIVE SALARY REWARDS for forcing a young pupil to miss a whole day of school for talking to a friend.

Parents say this DRACONIAN PROCEDURE is crushing children’s spirits and making them hate school. Many pupils are trying to get out of going to school. One pupil said that “they’re more concerned about my uniform than teaching me”.

Parents have spoken about their children being excited or enthusiastic about lessons then being put into ‘isolation’ because they vocalised their happiness. Some teachers are also unhappy with a regime that makes them ‘isolate’ more and more pupils for SOPPY INFRINGEMENTS.

Meanwhile school bosses continue to advocate this ZERO TOLERANCE rule for any pupil behaviour they deem a distraction. One parent who challenged this system was told in no uncertain terms that the school would EXCLUDE their daughter if she talked in class.

This was always going to be an issue with academies. They can bring in their own disciplinary policies and rather than support children with any behavioural issues they can just EXCLUDE them … After trousering the funding of course!

Teachers who used to manage classrooms and the children within are now instructed to get rid of any minor problem and SERVE A MESSAGE TO OTHERS. Then we’re left with desperately unhappy children whose spirits are crushed and who feel bullied.

Perhaps this gets them ready for the boredom of work in a warehouse or call centre after they leave Bristol Brunel Penitentiary? One disgruntled parent told the Bristolian that their happy child, who used to love primary school now hates school.

“They would do anything to get out of going,” she told us.

NEW SCHOOL’S ROAD HELL

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800_ashtongateprimaryschoolampmayor1-chrisbahn

The other side of the street: Mayor Cock-Up and friends opening Ashton Gate Primary

Much disquiet in Mayor Me-First’s SOUTHVILLE BACKYARD following the botched expansion of Ashton Gate Primary School into the old Imperial Tobacco offices on Upton Road.

Ashton Gate Primary School has now DOUBLED in size from a two-form intake to a four-form intake because of a population explosion in the leafy South Bristol suburb and the Upton Road site will eventually hold 480 children.

The original planning application proposed closing Upton Road as the school’s playground is on the OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD from the classrooms but this has not happened.

Instead, the council responded to objections from a few residents and people who use Upton road as an overflow car park by agreeing to leave the road OPEN to all traffic and promised to install some traffic calming measures instead.

The final planning decision states that the main reason for leaving Upton Road open to traffic was because of the loss of parking spaces and the fact that Upton Road is used as a diversion route when events are held at – wait for it … Mayor Self Serving’s TOBACCO FACTORY!

Some so-called traffic calming measures have been put in place although many parents are describing them as “PATHETIC“. One told us, “The ‘speed tables’ at either end of Upton road wouldn’t slow down a mobility scooter”!

Worse, there are no signs to warn drivers that a school is ahead and people driving past or through Upton Road are very confused indeed when they see HUNDREDS OF CHILDREN AND PARENTS flocking to an office block at 8.40am.

Neither have any crossing patrols been provided at either end of Upton Road nor yellow zig-zags have been kept to a MINIMUM in order to maximise the number of PARKING SPACES on the road.

Double yellow lines were still being painted onto the road on the Monday afternoon after the school had opened for the new term and the traffic calming measures appear to have been installed by a fly-by-night contractors as they resemble a “TARMAC TOUPEE“.

It has also become apparent that the classrooms at the front of the school cannot have any windows open because of TRAFFIC NOISE, which suggests it’s not a healthy site for a school unless the road is closed during school hours.

It’s also IMPOSSIBLE for any children to walk to school unaccompanied, which has always been seen as useful for year 6 children preparing to go to secondary school.

It’s blatantly obvious that the council have decided to prioritise pay parking meters for RPZ and supporting events at the Tobacco Factory above the safety of the children of Southville.

It’s not good enough. The Council must urgently agree to close Upton Road at least during school hours before there’s an accident…

SCHOOL GATES STUNT BACKFIRES ON BALLOON BUFFOON!

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An evil, balloon-wielding clown

An evil, balloon-wielding clown

Labour council candidate Mike Thorne

Labour council candidate Mike Thorne

News reaches us from the local elections campaign trail in Kingsweston, where redoubtable Labour candidate MIKE ‘PENNYWISE’ THORNE has come up with an imaginative tactic that is certainly getting him noticed – hanging around outside school gates across the ward and handing out balloons to bemused kiddies!

Yes, in a bid to challenge a crowded field in the always hotly-contested award for most poorly-thought out idea in Bristol politics, he apparently thought this could be a vote winner.

It’s not a view shared by everyone – certainly not the principal at St. Bede’s Catholic College. She was reportedly rather MIFFED that old Pennywise hadn’t had the courtesy to tell her what he would be doing, and so had to field numerous concerned reports of “an old man handing out stuff to kids” just outside her school.

A parent who witnessed him doing the same outside the nearby Bank Leaze junior school told us that he “was using the balloons as a ploy to get parents to talk to him so he can beg for votes – the kids nag parents for a balloon so they are forced to talk to him.”

They added: “I find that a bit CREEPY – in any other situation a strange man hanging around schools would potentially be in a lot of trouble.”

Well, perhaps Pennywise is just ahead of the curve on this. Once opponents spot how well his wheeze has gone down it’s liable to get like a crowded taxi rank outside every nursery, Children’s Centre, and school in town as Bristol’s political classes jostle to target pre-teens with their tedious electioneering!

Either that or it was always a really bad idea, and someone should to have a quiet word in his shell-like…

Edited to add:

It seems like Team Pennywise doesn’t think it’s a bad idea at all, and are going to lurk round Lawrence Weston this afternoon doing it all over again!