SPENDING WATCH

The Reverend has a tasty destination in mind for his all-expenses spring jaunt

The Mayor’s PERSONAL OFFICE continues impress as they lead the way in savings at this time of austerity and cuts to vital public services.

In September, not only did the Reverend manage TWO TRIPS abroad – one to New York and one to Norway – to play at global mayors but he also returned home proposing to spend OUR MONEY on hosting the annual convening of the Global Parliament of Mayors – an enormous junket for mayors – here in Bristol next year at a minimum cost of £150k.

Other absolutely necessary expenditure emanating from his office in August included the purchase of 1,600 branded water bottles for over TWO GRAND, £448.00 of catering for people who can afford to buy their own lunch and £4,000 handed to an agency for a SINGLE translation.

He then popped off for some pre-Christmas junketing in Malaysia and China and says he’ll be visiting the notorious annual piss-up cum mass council land sell-off MIPIM in Cannes next year.

Good to see the Reverend leading from the front, eh?

ELECTION 2020: KICK ‘EM IN THE KNACKERS?

ELECTION 2020- KICK ‘EM IN THE KNACKERS?

The long and dull mayoral election campaign for 2020 briefly sparked into a bit of life at the end of January when the Lib Dems announced they would campaign in 2020 to SCRAP THE MAYORAL SYSTEM in Bristol.

The Lib Dems are yet to announce who their candidate will be but here at The BRISTOLIAN we think this has the sound of a very popular policy indeed. Will disgruntled and disgusted Bristolians sick to death of their underperforming and overpaid ‘city leaders’ and mayor deliver these clowns the ultimate KICK IN THE ELECTORAL KNACKERS?

The news is especially bad for the Reverend Rees. He may not only FACE DEFEAT IN MAY 2020 after a miserable term in office promoting Tory policies but he also may be personally responsible for the REJECTION of the mayoral system altogether! What a humiliating – if deserved – legacy!

The Greens, too, running a long campaign fronted by DULL TECHNOCRAT, Sandy Bufton-Tufton (surely Hore-Ruthven? ed.), may also be disappointed at this news. Having tried to position themselves as the main challengers to Rees and Labour, they may now need to RETHINK THEIR CAMPAIGN quite radically.

The boring, technocratic campaign they envisaged with Bufton-Tufton endlessly bickering with Rees over MARGINAL ISSUES such as ‘social value tendering’, the best placement of cycle lanes in Bishopston and who is best able to get the buses to run on time by treating First boss, James Freeman, to lunch once a month, is DEAD IN THE WATER.

Instead the Greens will need to go BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD and devise some eye-catching policies for people to vote for. The Greens will also need to convince a cynical electorate that Bufton-Tufton isn’t another pillock interested in the foreign travel opportunities and photo-ops with his friends rather than running A COUNCIL FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALL BRISTOLIANS.

Watch this space.

NUTS CUTS

57744

The £20m of cuts announced by the Reverend Rees for next year mainly seem to confirm that he has now gone totally insane. Among the nutty highlights we’ve spotted so far:

  • An inexplicable £4m cut to the Adult Care budget will appear if HomeChoice prioritise people with adult social care needs on the housing register.
  • A proposal from an unnamed member of the Labour administration to cut trade union facility time by 75 per cent. That means union reps will have no time to represent staff directly affected by cuts from a Labour administration.
  • Lots more cuts are proposed by HRH Helen of Holland overseeing Adult Care. This is despite her failure to deliver £4m of the £6m cuts she proposed last year.
  • Transport guru, “Tweedle” Don Alexander, will attempt to increase council revenue by about £2.5m from Residents Parking Zones (RPZ) and car parking. Tweedle Don has lost about £5.4m in income from these so far this year.
  • Asher “The Slasher” Craig proposes charging a fee to parents who are contacted by her Education Welfare Service about their child’s school attendance. Will she discover parents are suddenly uncontactable?
  • Finance kingpin, Craig “Crapita” Cheney, officially the stupidest man in Bristol, is opening a rooftop bar at the M Shed to make £85k a year.
  • Asher the Slasher is supporting young people by slashing youth services budgets by £400k.
  • Government money for Public Health will be spent on wages for the Reverend’s evangelical pals in his City Office instead. He will also pass a begging bowl around ‘external partners’ to see if they’re up for funding an office full of evangelical loonies at the Counts Louse.
  • Cabinet Pied Piper Nicola “La La” Beech is to deliver pest control in “different ways”.

We’ll let you know as we find more of these inanities over the coming months.

NETTING ZEROES: GEORGIAN MARV

Netting Zeroes

Remember when Mayor No More Ferguson flew to New York City in 2014 to deliver a speech via satellite link to gormless local climate protestors sat on College Green? The Bristolian got in lots of trouble at the time for calling out the marching morons of Bristol who went along with this farce.

Well, anything George can do the Reverend can do better. Because back in April the Reverend took a 9,000 mile business class round trip by plane to Vancouver to deliver a 14 minute lecture on, er, climate change! A lecture people in Bristol weren’t even able to hear until over a month later when the tedious lecture was finally uploaded for free to the internet.

This ridiculous little escapade created two tons of carbon dioxide per plane passenger. About the same amount of carbon dioxide that an average car would generate if driven for 7,000 miles. Rees later explained to the Nazi Post that the trip was worthwhile because he was shaping global thinking with, er, internet celeb Elon Musk!

When will it dawn on people that the best way to sort out the climate would be to put the vain, self-serving hypocrites of the political class against the wall?

FUCKWIT CHARLES III

Charles I and III

Has anyone spotted the close similarity between these two twats? Both were or are total fuckwits.

Both were or are spiteful, vain and arrogant with it. Both thought or think the king should play ‘a larger role in politics’. Both either tried or will try to meddle in Parliament.

Charles I (left) believed in the ‘Divine Right of Kings’ and was happy to kill 1 in 10 of the adult male population of England to keep his right… it’s uncertain, but possible, that Charles III (right) also does.

Both took or are taking the throne at a time of extreme crisis for both the monarchy and the ruling class, and both fucked or will fuck it up. Finally, both lost their heads metaphorically speaking, and the war criminal Charles literally did.

So will Charles III repeat the exact same journey of his namesake, but as farce?

BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL’S FANTASY PAY WORLD

It’s that time of year when we have to endure the laughable bullshit that is Bristol City Council’s Pay Policy. A wholly misleading yearly statement on high pay for the council’s useless boss class.

This year we’re invited to admire how the ratio of the lowest paid on a minimum wage to the highest paid, allegedly the Chief Exec (without including his generous pension contribution), has fallen to 8.93:1 from 9.26:1 last year. Conveniently below the council’s arbitrary target  of 10:1.

However – as usual – the maths is faulty. A glance at last year’s Statement of Accounts reveals that the highest paid boss was Juliet Blackburn Consulting Ltd,  Director of Adults Transformation, who trousered a cool £30,932 a month. Or £371,184 a year making a highest to lowest paid pay ratio of, er, 17.7:1.

Other lottery winners courtesy of our council tax include congenital idiot Nikki Beardmore, a Communication & Engagement Director, who had to struggle through the cost of living crisis on around £200k a year, and Alan Layton, Head of Financial Planning, who trousered £240k a year pro rata.

Trebles all round!

MENTAL MARV

The Reverend’s increasingly fragile mental state was exposed again during a visit to Stapleton Road in February to stare at waste bins.

Accompanied by cabinet bozo Kye “The” Dudd, the local police team and local community representatives, it seems the Reverend hadn’t realised two of the Green councillors for the area had been invited too.

So he decided to start shouting at them, accusing them of spreading lies about him on social media, being backstabbers and moaning about the budget.

Stay classy and in control Marv!

DIRTY PROTESTS, MURDER & SPICE

Long kesh
Prisoners at Long Kesh, Northern Ireland

Exclusive report by The BRISTOLIAN on Horfield Prison, submitted by inside sources in-the-know including prisoners and prison staff

Readers may have heard recently about the current state of UK prisons? Or about how Germany refuses to extradite a wanted man to the UK because its ‘prisons do not meet acceptable standards’? Or you may have been unfortunate enough to have experienced Bristol’s own HMP shitshow yourself as staff, visitor or inmate.

There have been eight suicides and one murder in Horfield over the past year. Prisoners are incarcerated up to 22 hours a day, the majority squeezed two to a cell built for one.

Wings are run by drug gangs supplied daily by drones or throw-overs. Violence, arising from overcrowding, squalor and neglect of care and basic facilities, is a daily occurrence.

Governors are despised for being incompetent. Staff are demoralised, largely untrained with an extremely high turnover. ‘Trouble’ – not mundane assaults on addicts in debt by organised crime – is met with ‘extreme violence’ by ‘The Nationals’ (the screw national riot squad).

An August 2023 letter from the House of Commons Justice Committee to Tory Minister for Prisons and Probation, Damian ‘Himmler’ Hinds, states that both Bristol prisons (including Eastwood Park women’s prison) are among ‘the worst in the country’. And Himmler has done absolutely jack shit since then.

Sources have told us that recently three prisoners got up on HMP Horfield’s roof using the drainpipes. They stayed there until the National goons ended the protest with their favourite remedy – extreme violence. We were also told that many prisoners in the Segregation Wing are now on a ‘Dirty Protest’, where ‘it stinks to high heaven’.

The murder took place in a shared cell where one prisoner strangled another overnight. The victim’s absence was missed at roll call, and his body only discovered AFTER the murderer ‘got tooled up’ and injured another prisoner in the showers. Reflecting the abysmal level of prison care available, the culprit’s descent into psychosis went ‘unnoticed’.

The BRISTOLIAN demands that – at the very least – prisoners should have their full rights, and not have to endure torture fit for the Middle Ages. But this is not all. Prison is a BARBARIC, CRIMINAL institution of state violence AGAINST THE WORKING CLASS. It should be ABOLISHED.

We’d never tolerate such cruelties if HMP Horfield was a zoo. So how come we accept it for caging human beings?

TRASHING AVONMOUTH ‘BEST OPTION’?

Wind turbines
These would look lovely on the Downs

Labour’s Southmead councillor and cabinet member for climate change stuff, working class man of the people, Kye “The” Dudd, has another shit idea in the pipeline that will dump on a working class community.

“With the Local Plan review, we’re looking at allocations in the Avonmouth area for wind turbines,” he blustered at the Nazi Post recently.

“Within our boundaries, that’s probably the best option. There are other options outside our boundaries, but obviously that’s not for us to decide.

Not strictly true. “Probably the best option” within Bristol is the Merchant Venturer-managed Downs, which have the best wind patterns in the city. How about the comfortably well-off posh of Clifton and Stoke Bishop lead on our climate emergency commitments for once and host a few wind turbines?

A direct challenge to the wealthy and influential of the city that great big pussy and bootlicker of the wealthy, The Dudd, is way too scared to pursue.

LIES, DAMN LIES & FOI RESPONSES …

This month from the What Do They Know website:

Dear Bristol City Council, I’ve seen evidence that the mayor’s office are using Whatsapp for council business, despite the guidance on doing so.

This information falls under the parameters of the Freedom of Information Act and must be disclosed.

Please provide all Whatsapp messages sent between chief of staff to the Mayor of Bristol as an employee of Bristol City Council and all paid staff of Goram Homes, and directors of Goram Homes. I would like to see all Whatsapp messages for the last two months.

I remind the council that ALL whatsapp messages are subject to the Act whether from Council-owned phones and phone numbers, or personal phones and phone numbers if the business relates to Council.

As I have seen evidence that Whatsapp is being used I don’t expect a reply saying this information isn’t held.

Yours faithfully –

And the response …

Dear –

Freedom of Information Act 2000

This request is being handled under the Freedom of Information Act 2000.

Bristol City Council does not hold information falling within the scope of your request.

Your case has been closed as of today’s date.