Category Archives: St Marvin’s

ST MARVIN’S PARISH NEWS #20

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Opportunistic campaigners from that notorious hotbed of anti-semitism, the failing ‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart Academy run by racists and transphobes, have continued to generate a lot of unnecessary noise regarding the entirely essential and lawful sustainable remuneratory consideration I handed to Miss Klownowski from London when she resigned as Parish Secretary in 2017. As you all know, Miss Klonowski publicly explained she was doing the Christian thing and resigning to care for her tragically ill and dying parents and wasn’t involved in bullying anyone, anywhere, ever. The Christian community of St Marvin’s therefore should be celebrating Miss Klonownowki’s resilient selflessness and my administrative efficiency, not focussing on the minor material matter of money.

There’s a number of other things that the congregation needs to understand about this essential and lawful sustainable remuneratory consideration I handed to Miss Klownowski. Firstly, the whole issue is really boring. Miss Klonowski worked for the parish. Then one day she didn’t and we gave her a purely contractural payment to go away. This was all absolutely correct as has been confirmed by the high-level verbal legal advice acquired for me by our former interim Parish Committee member Miss McGeachie from Peterborough. You may recall Miss Klonowski personally appointed Miss McGeachie on a tax-efficient basis in 2017 to streamline the Parish Committee’s leadership function. Miss McGeachie sustainably delivered this streamline on target and to budget as well as enabling top-notch legal advice for me from someone in Wales whose name now escapes me.

The second consideration you therefore need to understand is that I was acting on sound legal advice. The fact that our former accountant, Mr Bdo, a foreigner from Vietnam, says in his weird and unnecessary report that this advice was wrong can safely be discounted as his firm has now been deservedly fired from St Marvin’s and replaced by Mr Grant Thornton, from a local accountancy firm on the High Street. Not only is Mr Thornton auditing our church’s accounts this year but he has also taken on some complex consultancy work at a very competitive rate to map an improvement journey for our church’s accounting practice. And Mr Thornton hasn’t produced any reports criticising me or anyone else in the parish leadership team. Proving beyond reasonable doubt that this whole issue is politically mischievous noise from opportunistic campaigners.

The final thing to understand is that Miss Klonowski’s remuneratory arrangements were nothing to do with me anyway. Miss McGeachie assisted by interim Parish Committee member, Miss Beardmore from Shropshire, navigated Miss Klownowski’s leadership exit journey back in 2017. So those saying the buck stops with me have clearly never operated a buck and have no idea where it should stop or, even, how to stop one. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “ask not where the buck stops for you but where you can stop the buck when confronted with trenchant criticism”.

Let’s now move on and focus on our resilient spiritual leadership journey together that binds us.

The Vicar

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #12

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A happy New Year to you all, with the usual exception for that vicious racist underbelly at The Dave Spart Academy who continue to personally undermine me and my exemplar church of equitable hope for all those who reside in the right postcode. I trust, however, that the rest of you had an inclusive and sustainable holiday and our Good Lord delivered on key priorities for you.

I personally took possession of another investment property over the break, which, as a global progressive market Christian, I will now place at the service of an inclusive growth strategy. Any refugee family who can meet the robust obligations of a competitive housing rental opportunity in a buoyant and rising local PRS sector is welcome to apply to be housed by me in the parish voted the UK’s smartest in the 2017 Smart Parish Index.

Which all goes to show what a ‘smart’ investment all those iPad Airs were for our parish leadership team doesn’t it? I suggest that all the Apple naysayers and Judases pray on this fact for a while and then cease coveting thy important and successful neighbours’ high-end Apple products and instead learn to glory in cheaper electronics commensurate with your status and ambition.

You may be pleased to hear that I shall not be taking my annual January winter prayer sabbatical in Florida with my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon. Instead, I shall be joining the Reverend Loon for a week in March on his yacht in Cannes for the MIPIM Conference for international property investors. As the Reverend Loon preached during our weekly conference call yesterday, “And lo champagne, lobster and call girls will lead us to sell our promised land to Chinese investment companies for the best price in current market conditions.”

Mr Slocombe, our parish creative communications specialist, in another of his hugely original content branding ideas, will be messaging our compelling St Marvin’s New Year vision as “New Year: New Hope” across all channels. And, no doubt, you’ve already noticed that the popular Canton Lame Duck Restaurant on the High Street has opened an impressive new branch outside St Marvin’s in a converted kebab van. This is proof that our proactive business development partnership strategy, led by the Parish Committee’s Interim Head of Smart Opportunity, Ms Beardmore from Shropshire, is starting to drive robust levels of investment directly toward our church. This is despite the challenging financial priorities for our church through no fault of mine or my leadership team.

So why not treat yourself to a bowl of tasty noodles before compline in the knowledge you’re supporting your church and its team of business leaders’ objectives to deliver increased inclusive outcomes in 2018? On that note of sustainable joy delivered by trailblazing partnership working between the spirit of commerce and a unique ecumenical strategy, let’s work together to create essential interventions through the objectives of the New Year: New Hope strategy and make it happen again in 2018!

The Vicar 

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #8

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I suppose I should  begin this month’s newsletter by issuing a formal welcome to our new Bishop’s Curate, The Woeshipful Right-Wing Rev Tory Bowels. As most of you may be aware by now, after the tremendous levels of publicity in some of the country’s most respected obscure theological journals, the Bishop decided that the diocese required a roving rector to uptake responsibilities for cross-Parish and whole-Diocese working. The bishop identified issues like parish land sales and development opportunities; church car parking challenges; ongoing professional development for us vicars and step change improvements to the Diocese’s financial outcomes for the focus of this work.

I personally would have preferred it if the Archidiot Lesley Mansell, one of the country’s finest practitioners of inter-faith understanding and dialogue practice with our muslim brothers, had been awarded the post. Without doubt she would have done exactly as I told her and would have been a perfect fit for St Marvin’s new medium term integrated quasi-agile management scoping exercise now entering pre-rollout. The thanks for which  goes to our superb new Parish Administrator and thought leader, Ms Klonowski from London, who continues to exceed expectations here at the Parish Office.

However, the Bishop, after an extensive consultation with worshippers across the Diocese, has selected the Rev Bowels and we must make what we can of this sub-prime appointment of an insufferable, inexperienced and theologically troubled minister. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon sagely advises, “Suffer not and cast thy first stone at those who might pry too closely into your management of financial affairs.”

Obviously I am in personal charge and successfully in total control of all of the affairs the Rev Bowels wants to interfere with. For example, car parking issues at St Marvin’s are now officially moving toward resolution. Even if, technically, waiting times for church services have increased due to our congregational health and popularity. My increased fees and charges regime for car parking has provided a welcome financial uplift for the Church Media Fund in these financially straightened times too.

Similarly, our Property Sub-Committee, under the guidance of Mr Orrett  and Mr Baber, continues to make prudent decisions on land sell-offs and development that are benefitting the whole parish in all sorts of ways as well as offshored corporates and private investors. A “win-win” according to my business savvy parishioners. As for my training needs, my regular trips to the US to work and pray alongside my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon, more than fulfil all my worldly educational needs. What can I possibly learn from this aging curate from Winterbourne?

This, however, does not in any way alter my original view, expressed to parishioners some time ago, that a Bishop’s Curate is a superb addition to the diocese and we will financially contribute to make this post a huge success. Although surely the Right-Wing Reverend Bowel’s efforts are best aimed at poorly administrated parishes in Bath or, even, his own Church of the Poison Mind in suburban South Gloucestershire?

Some of you have approached me for an update on our partnership with the Islington parish of St Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent. While I’m happy to confirm that the partnership is ongoing, I see no reason to offer commentary on this arrangement at this time. Let’s instead focus on the parish of St Marvin’s and our excellent local sister parishes of St Goth’s-the-Pint-Size, St Thingy’s, St Karyn and All Tories and St Darren-the-Dunce’s. Speaking of which, with the summer coming, I’ll be able to tell you a little more about our exciting partnership religious festival programme in our next newsletter. Until then, farewell and may God continue to bless the righteous and lay serious police charges against my blasphemous enemies.

The Vicar

ST MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #4

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I trust you all had a joyous Christmas and were pleasantly not unpleased to celebrate the glory of the coming of our Lord? Perfectly represented by our hugely successful best value nativity experience. Who would not agree that this was not church spend well spent on key cultural thematics? And congratulations to St Snoot-the-Privileged School for producing what was, according to our local independent website – St Marvin’s 24/7(edited by Kevin Slocombe) – “a 5 star production”.

Now a new year is upon us. Not only a time to renew your stakeholder relationship with God but the time to address the deficit in the parish accounts. Mr Hughes from Birmingham, our parish administrator, will therefore be announcing a series of exciting efficiencies over the coming months. Many designed to support a necessary step change in the resilience of our faith.

I’m especially proud to announce the first of these efficiencies. As usual, during January I shall be flying out with my family for a month’s sabbatical of poolside prayer and reflection at my mentor, the Reverend Righteous Loon’s, Florida mansion. However, this year, we will close the church and hall for this period and parish stakeholders are invited to attend St Snoot-the-Privileged School’s Renaissance Chapel facility instead.

Our temporary home will be overseen by my assistant vicar, the Rev Tinkerbell who has a series of excellent sermons lined up on culture, media and the post-Jesus agenda and how this can save the poor and ignorant on a competitive market basis during times of austerity.

This temporary efficiency closure is a huge funding win-win for St Marvin’s. As Mr Launcelot from Rachman Estates and Development on the High Street has agreed to make use of the church and hall for the month in exchange for a market resilient rate payable to the St Marvin’s Miscellaneous Provisions (Property) Trust. Mr Launcelot intends to set up an all-through 24-hour one stop shop for migrant job seekers, which sounds like a very worthy and exciting project indeed.

Could parish stakeholders also please note that Mr Launcelot is undertaking some asbestos removal work from the church roof during this period and that, for your own safety, you should not visit or enter St Marvin’s without the correct health and safety authorisation from our Property Sub Committee. We don’t want to be personally liable for any appalling accidents or law suits do we? That’s what Mr Launcelot’s for!

Some of you have noticed that our new pay-as-you-go self service tea vending solution in the vestry is not currently in active mode. This is unfortunate but Mr Hughes assures me it will not significantly impact our projected savings estimate for the current Vernal Equinox timeframe. Especially, he says, if we factor in third quarter capital draw down benefits to the Church Creative Media Fund achieved by the church roof capital transformation pathfinder. I’m sure you’ll agree this is great news and a huge relief.

Mr Hughes tells me that our self-service tea vending partner, Agresso Refreshment World, have identified an unforeseen minor malfunction in a downstream software iteration as the best likely cause. Rest assured, we have already identified spend from the Parish Land Reserve Fund to procure a competitively costed consultant from London to framework the into revenue positive.

In the meantime I’d like to welcome Daisy May – a former pupil of the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘Adequate’ comprehensive school, the Dave Spart Academy – as interim apprentice tea lady. Daisy will be joining us from February on a new flexible nil time agreement arrangement. This not only benefits Daisy while she studies self-service catering on day-release at college but maintains any parish refreshment budget uplift within the recalibrated parish finance envelope. Another win-win.

Our former tea lady, 72 year old Mrs Smith, is unable to return – despite popular demand – as she is now enjoying a flexible retirement as a full time cleaner at the Dave Spart Academy. Those of you who have stupidly repeated Ms Townsend from the Dave Spart Academy’s concerns to me that Daisy’s employment arrangements are exploitative and that Mrs Smith should never have been made redundant lack accurate context. Mr Hughes says the arrangements are reasonable and Ms Townsend is mistaken (as usual) while her continual dissent during Parish meetings is a silly and unwelcome distraction as we work to finesse our new biblical accounting practices.

As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon often has to remind recalcitant members of his congregation: “And those that would dissent should heed that we, the meek, the wealthy and the best who are the rightful keepers of the Lord’s flame, maintain a lock-up full of semi automatics purely for self defence purposes”.

Happy New Year and God bless.