Tag Archives: Anna Klonowski

MARVIN’S BITCH ON BORROWED TIME?

mikejackson
“She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene”

Already, less than a year in post and many at the Counts Louse are unhappy with the Reverend’s new Head of Paid Service, MIKE “I’M YOUR BITCH” JACKSON, the £165k a year replacement for the highly costly and abysmally useless, Anna “Big Wedge” Klonowski.

Indeed Lib Dem Anthony “Arthur” Negus is already demanding a “FUTURE DISCUSSION ON THE POST OF HEAD OF PAID SERVICE“. This comes after what Negus describes as the “politicising of replies to members’ questions at Full Council that cross the line.”

This is a reference to the Reverend Rees’s increasingly SAD AND BITCHY RESPONSES to any opposition councillor trying to hold him to account at their monthly q&a sessions. These catty political responses, it seems, are often PERSONALLY DRAFTED FOR THE REVEREND WITH GREAT PRIDE BY JACKSON who, despite being a neutral civil servant, appears to enjoy pleasuring the mayor in this way.

The big problem here is that unelected Jackson, having spent a year BITCHING AND SNIPING AT ELECTED COUNCILLORS opposing the Reverend, may find they will not want to work with him if they gain office next year.

Who could blame them? Meanwhile, Green councillor Clive “Shakin” Stevens has also been expressing his RESERVATIONS ABOUT JACKSON and especially the close relationship and strong male bond there appears to be between this objective and independent senior local government officer and the elected Mayor. “IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO TRUST THIS ARRANGEMENT,” says Shaky darkly.

Shall we start organising Jackson’s leaving party for next May now as few are likely to be prepared to work with a former Mayor’s bitch? And why should they be?

BIG WEDGE FUDGE

Marvin-Rees-and-Anna-Klonowski

More heat than light generated last month when councillors were finally allowed to publicly discuss the absurd £100K PAYOUT handed to Reverend Rees’s failed Chief Executive, Anna “Big Wedge” Klonowski in September 2017. The Reverend alleged at the time that Big Wedge resigned for “FAMILY REASONS” without notice and so she would not normally be entitled to any money whatsoever.

Councillors bombarded the Reverend with questions after council auditors, BDO, published a partial, if DAMNING, report on the affair. However, the questions were batted away by an embattled Mayor with TWO HALF-TRUTH EXCUSES: that there were no formal processes to follow for senior officer departures and that his legal advice said the pay-off was “contractural”.

NEITHER EXCUSE HOLDS WATER. The process for senior officer departures appears in the annual Pay Policy Statement and plenty of pay-offs have been approved by the HR Committee of councillors in the past. Under questioning the Reverend REFUSED to explain why this did not happen in this case beyond claiming that there was “NO PROCESS” to follow.

Meanwhile, the legal advice the Reverend relied on, labelled as “SURPRISING” by the auditors, remains shrouded in mystery. Despite demands by councillors, the Reverend WOULDN’T EXPLAIN why he didn’t get this advice through his legal department. He also POINT-BLANK REFUSED to release the request for this advice, the actual advice or, even, which of two firms of lawyers named in the BDO report provided the hookie information. The Reverend insisted that this was “THE LAW“.

A claim that is NOT TRUE. While the law allows legal advice provided to local authorities to remain confidential if they choose, it does not prevent them publishing it if they want to. Why is the Reverend SCARED SHITLESS of publishing anything to do with the advice he received or the circumstances surrounding it?

The only nugget of information the Reverend released during his pointless session with councillors were the names of the two chief officers advising him on this generous payout – “JACQUIE AND NICKY“.

Step forward  Jacquie “You’re Fired!” McGeachie – a former Tesco HR, now a local authority interim manager trading as Jacquie McGeachie HR Consulting Ltd, charging £1,000 a day – and Nicky “Chocolate” Beardmore, a local authority management failure from Shropshire APPOINTED BY THE REVEREND as interim Head of Paid Service on £1,200 a day in the autumn of 2017.

The involvement of McGeachie is especially intriguing as she was a COLLEAGUE of Big Wedge’s – then trading as Elka Solutions Ltd – in Barnet in 2014 and Big Wedge personally brought Jacquie McGeachie HR Consulting Ltd to Bristol when she became Chief Exec in early 2017. It then looks as if McGeachie RETURNED A HIGH-ROLLING FAVOUR by signing over a six-figure sum of public money to Big Wedge as she departed.

After a FRUITLESS COUPLE OF HOURS querying the pay-off, councillors agreed that the three-quarters of the auditor’s report not published could be debated in public at the Audit and HR committees and again at Full Council.

We think this is pointless. Isn’t it time Inspector Knacker looked into how Big Wedge ended up with £100k of public money in her personal bank account?


ST MARVIN’S PARISH NEWS #20

Opportunistic campaigners from that notorious hotbed of anti-semitism, the failing ‘Needs Improvement’ Dave Spart Academy run by racists and transphobes, have continued to generate a lot of unnecessary noise regarding the entirely essential and lawful sustainable remuneratory consideration I handed to Miss Klownowski from London when she resigned as Parish Secretary in 2017. As you all know, Miss Klonowski publicly explained she was doing the Christian thing and resigning to care for her tragically ill and dying parents and wasn’t involved in bullying anyone, anywhere, ever. The Christian community of St Marvin’s therefore should be celebrating Miss Klonownowki’s resilient selflessness and my administrative efficiency, not focussing on the minor material matter of money.

There’s a number of other things that the congregation needs to understand about this essential and lawful sustainable remuneratory consideration I handed to Miss Klownowski. Firstly, the whole issue is really boring. Miss Klonowski worked for the parish. Then one day she didn’t and we gave her a purely contractural payment to go away. This was all absolutely correct as has been confirmed by the high-level verbal legal advice acquired for me by our former interim Parish Committee member Miss McGeachie from Peterborough. You may recall Miss Klonowski personally appointed Miss McGeachie on a tax-efficient basis in 2017 to streamline the Parish Committee’s leadership function. Miss McGeachie sustainably delivered this streamline on target and to budget as well as enabling top-notch legal advice for me from someone in Wales whose name now escapes me.

The second consideration you therefore need to understand is that I was acting on sound legal advice. The fact that our former accountant, Mr Bdo, a foreigner from Vietnam, says in his weird and unnecessary report that this advice was wrong can safely be discounted as his firm has now been deservedly fired from St Marvin’s and replaced by Mr Grant Thornton, from a local accountancy firm on the High Street. Not only is Mr Thornton auditing our church’s accounts this year but he has also taken on some complex consultancy work at a very competitive rate to map an improvement journey for our church’s accounting practice. And Mr Thornton hasn’t produced any reports criticising me or anyone else in the parish leadership team. Proving beyond reasonable doubt that this whole issue is politically mischievous noise from opportunistic campaigners.

The final thing to understand is that Miss Klonowski’s remuneratory arrangements were nothing to do with me anyway. Miss McGeachie assisted by interim Parish Committee member, Miss Beardmore from Shropshire, navigated Miss Klownowski’s leadership exit journey back in 2017. So those saying the buck stops with me have clearly never operated a buck and have no idea where it should stop or, even, how to stop one. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “ask not where the buck stops for you but where you can stop the buck when confronted with trenchant criticism”.

Let’s now move on and focus on our resilient spiritual leadership journey together that binds us.

The Vicar

MAYOR’S OFFICE CASH UPDATE

MAYOR’S OFFICE CASH UPDATE

While Bristol City Council continues to IMPOSE AUSTERITY on the rest of the city, it’s trebles all round in the office of the Mayor.

We’ve already told you about the Reverend’s personally appointed regeneration chief Colin “Head Boy” Molton – responsible for arena non-delivery – trousering £1.5k a day without the bother of having to go through any COMPETITIVE RECRUITMENT PROCESS. Not this side of the 2020 mayoral election, anyway.

Now we learn that the Reverend’s political assistant, Kevin “Don’t mention the private education” Slocombe has been treated to a ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN PER CENT pay rise by the Reverend. The same post under Mayor No More Ferguson attracted a wage of £45k for his glamorous assistant, Zoe “Groupie” Sear. Now the pay is £95K.

£45k isn’t bad money at all for a post managing a PA and a couple of admin assistants. But clearly not enough money for a MIDDLE RANKING PR of Slocombe’s standing. So he’s has bagged a £50k pay rise from his friend, the Reverend.

News is also in, courtesy of the council’s external auditors, that the £100k the Reverend handed to departing Chief Exec Anna “Big Wedge” Klonowski last year was a GENEROUS PERSONAL GIFT with public money from the Reverend and not a legally required pay off for her notice period as he claimed.

How much is the Reverend spending on generous and unnecessary payments to his mates? It’s hard to say. Especially now that the paperwork for the senior management reorganisation that the Reverend promised would save £1million a year on senior bosses’ wages has been made ‘EXEMPT‘. This means the public and press are conveniently DENIED access to any final figures.

 Is this because the promised savings haven’t materialised for the council, while large sums of money for a privileged few have materialised in personal bank accounts?

ST MARVIN’S PARISH NEWS #16


Some of you, no doubt encouraged by silly elements on the Parish Committee, led by Ms Townsend and other troublemakers from the parish’s failing school, the Dave Spart Academy, have been querying how parish leadership is now enabled. Let me explain.

Firstly, Mr Slocombe, who’s delivered excellence in shared resilience practice over two years as the parish’s creative communications specialist, is now known as Head of Vicar’s Office where he will aim to mature the church into an enabling organisation. To reflect his new importance I’ve awarded Mr Slocombe a pay rise in excess of 100 per cent.

Those of you who know Mr Slocombe will see perfect sense in all this. While those of you who don’t and are asking “what skills does Mr Slocombe bring to a senior parish role?” should reflect on our common purpose a little more. A career producing lots of dull press releases for striking postmen is the perfect training for life at St Marvin’s and Mr Slocombe brings with him lots of transferable skills. Please give him your unconditional support as both the Lord and I do.

As most of you are now aware, Mr Jackson from Weston-Super-Mare has finally arrived in post to replace our former parish administrator, Ms Klonowski from London. The post has been rebranded by Mr Slocombe as ‘Head of Administrative Services’ and Mr Slocombe tells me, “Jackson is a jumped up office boy. All decisions go through me.”

Some of you also have been asking how I have empowered Mr Alexander from Sea Mills? Mr Alexander, a well-known and popular parish figure, found every Sunday loudly cheering and applauding my sermons from the front row of the congregation, has agreed to become my freelance evangelical enforcer on a voluntary basis.

So three cheers for Mr Alexander and his solutions focused approach. His assistance at a recent meeting on church waste disposal hosted by our rubbish Parish Committee member, Mr Dudd was highly appreciated. If Mr Alexander hadn’t aggressively told that single mum from the Dave Spart Estate at the wrong end of the parish to “sit down and shut up” when she started asking questions about waste disposal, I’m assured the meeting may have outcomed sub-optimally.

Those of you, encouraged by Ms Townsend, accusing Mr Alexander of bullying and misogyny are wide of the mark. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon says, “a woman’s place is on a sun lounger by my pool in a skimpy bikini.”

Finally, can I ask that you say a little prayer for Mr Browne, the hardworking chairman of governors at the parish’s high-achieving St Snoot-the-Privileged Selective Religious Academy? Mr Brown’s experiencing a difficult time presently after accidentally providing a character reference in court for convicted sex offender, Mr Perry, the former Head at St Snoot’s and, in a separate incident, he is being threatened with financial ruin because someone, probably from the Dave Spart Academy, is threatening to sue him!

 The Vicar

WHACKO JOINS THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

The appointment of North Somerset Council boss, Mike “BILLIE JEAN” Jackson, as Executive Director: Resources and Head of Paid Service on £165k a year at Bristol City Council continues the merry-go-round of big wages, changing job titles and eye-watering pay-offs for poor performance at the top of the council.

This leadership farrago really gathered steam in the summer of 2012 when the Bradford Sun Queen, Chief Executive Jan Ormondroyd on a cool £190k a year, JUMPED SHIP after trying and failing to rig the outcome of the Town Green application at Ashton Vale in favour off Bristol City FC. The Sun Queen “TOOK EARLY RETIREMENT”, scooping a £50k pay-out as the door slammed on her way out.

In the autumn of 2012 Mayor Old Fool arrived in the hot seat and immediately decided that the big problem with the top job at Bristol City Council was its NAME! So the great leader scrapped the Chief Executive post and introduced a CITY DIRECTOR instead.

Step forward Nicola “Lady Gaga” Yates who swanned into this new role from Hull in 2013 scooping a generous £192k a year through various salary enhancements we weren’t told about. By 2016, she had departed IN DISGRACE with a £200k pay-out when a £30million hole emerged in the council’s budget.

Now, with the Reverend was at the helm, he decided the problem was, er … the JOB TITLE! So, in early 2017, he appointed Anna “Big Wedge” Klonowski as Chief Executive on £160k a year. SIX MONTHS later she departed with a controversial £70k pay off, currently being investigated by the council’s auditors.

This brings us to new boy “Whacko” Jackson. He arrives with yet another NEW JOB TITLE and the usual bollocks from the mayor and his patsy HR Committee of councillors insisting we must pay top dollar to get the skills they need. Although which of Ormondroyd, Yates and Klonowski was in any way a success or value for money?

£320k in SIX YEARS spent on pay-offs o council top bosses? That’s over £50k every year just to get rid of the last liability

So how much will Billie Jean really cost us?

COUNCIL STAFF STUFFED AS AIMLESS UPHEAVAL IS FOISTED FROM ABOVE

The naval-gazing SELF-OBSESSION of senior bosses at Bristol City Council continues unhindered by reality as the Reverend Rees launches another so-say “new structure for senior management”.

Naturally this restructure also means PAY RISES boosting top directors pay by a cool TEN PER CENT after Labour councillors led by self-styled militant trade unionist Kye “Rimmer” Dudd, the current chair of the council’s HR committee, steered the new pay deal through his committee for the Reverend last month.

This restructure and pay rise announcement – 18 months into the Reverend’s term – arrives shortly after a series of finance reports over the summer presented to his cabinet and councillors claimed such a reorganisation was officially ‘at risk’ and would NOT be happening.

However, with the speedy and mysterious DISAPPEARANCE of his hand-picked Chief Exec, Anna “Big Wedge” Klonowski in September, the Reverend reversed the ferret and instructed his latest teacher’s pet interim £1,000 a day private sector consultant Jackie “You’re Fired!” McGeachie to embark on the delayed project IMMEDIATELY.

The Reverend’s headline claim for this latest DECKCHAIR REARRANGEMENT at the top at the Counts Louse is that it will reduce the number of managers by seven and save £750k a year. A virtually UNVERIFIABLE claim considering the pay rises being doled out and the hidden number of highly paid interims, consultants, former bosses and corporate wonks wasting time, money and oxygen throughout the council at any given time.

The Reverend also doesn’t seem to realise that “a new structure for senior management” is also a new structure for the WHOLE organisation. This means yet more BUREAUCRATIC CHANGE and UPHEAVAL for ordinary low-paid staff who have been subjected to mass redundancy programmes in 2013 and 2016 and a ridiculous New Ways of Working “agile” office move programme ongoing since 2015. More redundancies are on the cards this year too.

Meanwhile, a PROMISED restructure for ordinary staff at the council, likely to deliver significant pay increases to the lowest paid workers to stop their wages collapsing to the low level of the minimum wage, has DISAPPEARED without trace. Despite a promise when bosses’ wages were hiked last year by up to 20 PER CENT – just after they conspired against us all to set an unlawful budget – that a fair staff pay structure was a priority for bosses, the mayor and councillors.

As one member of staff told The BRISTOLIAN: “Another management reorganisation means absolute chaos and a decision-making vacuum for six months at least. Then some dull, witess twat on vast wages who we’ve never met will start emailing corporate crap at us claiming they’re our ‘leader’. Then they’ll be more uncertainty as they start trying to get rid of us all, all over again. Then they’ll leave with a massive top secret pay off because it turns out they’re actually a load of shit”

Alas, it seems, the priority, as usual, is the bosses, the bosses’ pay, the bosses’ egos and more aimless upheaval for frontline staff trying to deliver actual services.

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWSLETTER #9

Welcome back my glorious flock! I hope you are refreshed and ready to leave memories of that remarkably good value Slovenian holiday behind? Now is the time to worship and pray alongside me once more and make the religious and financial sacrifice that will get you nearer to Christ and your children into the parish’s high performing, OFSTED rated ‘Outstanding’ school, St Snoot-the-Privileged.

I was extraordinarily busy over the summer, even foregoing my annual pilgrimage to my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon’s biblical summer yachting school. This year, taking place in an upmarket resort in Connecticut. Maybe I will get out to the US next year for the pastor’s Southern Californian spring surf and pray retreat? As the pastor says, “he that journeys regularly on expenses to pay homage to Jesus Christ the Saviour has one foot on the stairway to heaven.”

Although, alas, all that glitters isn’t gold at St Marvin’s at present. You may have already heard the terrible news that our fantastic Parish Administrator, Ms Klonowski from London, has tendered her resignation for “family reasons”. Apparently, she needs to look after her sick and elderly parents who none of us even realised existed until last week! Can I also take this opportunity to put an end to any ridiculous rumours that Ms Klonowski’s resignation has something to do with that silly class action, launched by some bitter former members of the Parish Committee, alleging serious harassment by Ms Klonowski? It does not.

After very careful consideration, myself and my public relations assistant, Mr Slocombe, have decided not to replace Ms Klonowski as such. Although, rest assured, that the improvement journey Ms Klonowski has embarked St Marvin’s upon with her brilliant, if grammatically complex, ‘Sensible Efficiencies Strategy’ will continue with myself and Mr Slocombe assuming many of the duties of the Parish Administrator.

Finally, some good news: the Church Hall reimprovement works funded through our Church Media Fund are on target for completion once average capital development slippage deviation is given consideration. We are currently studying final costs but believe it falls within a redrafted budget envelope after some revenue income rephasing work is constituted within the renewed capital uplift pipeline.

I’m therefore excited that the first production in our fabulous new hall will be at Christmas when we’ll be presenting the Regional Arts Council Funded Elite Theatre Group with the Hampstead Players’ “Oh Christ!”, described by the Guardian as “the finest atheist, transgender light operatic passion musical this year”! What a fantastic treat! Especially as thanks to tough negotiations with the Elite Theatre Group we will be able to offer tickets at just £40 each or at £150 for a family of four. Tickets will be available soon.

However, please note tickets will not be available for the gala performance on 23 December, which will be attended by myself, the Mayor, the Bishop and a very special guest – the mayor of Panevėžys – Lithuania’s fifth largest city! Obviously some of our principal parishioners and financial supporters can expect to be there and others – such as Ms Townsend and her motley crew from the parish’s other school, the Dave Spart Academy – cannot. Further details and invitations for this amazing event, sponsored by Global Tax and Finance Inc. World Mayors’ Travel the World Project, will be made available soon.

This production will bring some light relief and entertainment to St Marvin’s after our various trials over this year. On that positive note, I bid you farewell. My hopes and prayers, as always, are with the deserving.

BIG WEDGE’S BULLY SHAME

The Reverend with his Bully-in-Chief

WAS REES RUNNING A BULLYING CULTURE FROM THE TOP AT BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL?

Why has the council’s chief lawyer and Bundred crook, Shahzia “Dim” Daya started threatening councillors with legal action if they discuss the recently departed council Chief Exec Anna “Big Wedge” Klonowski with the press?

Total mystery surrounds the sudden RESIGNATION of the Reverend Rees’s representative on Earth and chief bag carrier. Big Wedge, barely six months into a role filling her boots with extraordinary sums of public cash while leading an inane “improvement journey” at the council quit on Monday 4 September for “family reasons” taking a payoff reputedly in the region of £70k. What for?

This, so the story goes, is because Big Wedge suddenly discovered her parents were seriously ill and she needed to to look after them. We can only sympathise with this SUDDEN and SIMULTANEOUS deterioration of these executive parents, both of whose health apparently collapsed in the six months since Big Wedge began her latest well remunerated public sector “improvement journey”.

No doubt Big Wedge watchers are pleased that she’s continued to display her remarkably ordinary intellect and way with a tired old cliche to the very end. Isn’t quitting for “family reasons” a hackneyed old code in political circles for “JUMPING BEFORE I’M PUSHED“? So what has Big Wedge really been up to?

Creating and running a systematic BULLYING CULTURE at the top of the council is what. We understand that in early September a letter began circulating claiming that Big Wedge had personally bullied 14 Service Directors out of Bristol City Council over the last year and had then paid them off to keep them silent.

Intrigued, a local reporter called the council’s PR department where they were greeted with barely-concealed PANIC at the mention of Big Wedge and bullying. The reporter was promised they would receive a call back with a statement. Obviously this never came.

Instead, for the rest of the week, local newspaper editors received regular calls from various senior bosses and PR types at the council BEGGING them not to run any bullying stories in relation to Big Wedge. Then – after a weekend, apparently considering her position – Big Wedge announced the following Monday morning she was quitting “for family reasons”. Coincidence or wot?

What’s even stranger, however, is why the Reverend and Big Wedge ever thought bullying bosses out of the organisation and paying large compensation packages was necessary? (Were they getting a kick out of bullying their staff?) Because didn’t they have a brand new INDEPENDENT REPORT (kept secret from us) into their managers’ conduct around financial management in 2015 – 16 and the unlawful budget set in 2016?

So why wasn’t this report used as the basis for DISCIPLINARY ACTION against these bosses? This would have saved us a fortune and ensured none of these crooks ever worked in local government again. Surely a win-win?

Or maybe this secret report contains some rather more uncomfortable facts that need to remain secret? For example, Klonowski started working in a SENIOR ROLE in finance at Bristol City Council in 2015. What exactly did she know about HIDDEN DEBTS and UNLAWFUL BUDGETS?

Similarly, council lawyer Shahzia “Dim” Daya, who’s still got her feet firmly under the table at the Counts Louse and is now threatening councillors all over again, OVERSAW the council budget meeting in 2016 where an unlawful budget was set with her FULL KNOWLEDGE. Alison “Three Jobs” Comley – still raking in a six figure sum – also knew all about the unlawful budget, according to PUBLISHED MINUTES, and she continues in post trashing parks and unlawfully refusing to house the homeless.

Then there’s the pair of BENT CHIEF INTERNAL AUDITORS who knew lots and lots about unachieved savings and inaccurate reports to councillors. They, too, are still collecting generous salaries for their mendacity and failure.

Isn’t it time the Reverend published his secret new report into his bent bosses so we can find out what’s been going on inside his useless council and we can sort it out if he can’t?

NB. Any legal threats in relation to this article to the Bristolian’s email please.

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK NEWSLETTER #8

I suppose I should  begin this month’s newsletter by issuing a formal welcome to our new Bishop’s Curate, The Woeshipful Right-Wing Rev Tory Bowels. As most of you may be aware by now, after the tremendous levels of publicity in some of the country’s most respected obscure theological journals, the Bishop decided that the diocese required a roving rector to uptake responsibilities for cross-Parish and whole-Diocese working. The bishop identified issues like parish land sales and development opportunities; church car parking challenges; ongoing professional development for us vicars and step change improvements to the Diocese’s financial outcomes for the focus of this work.

I personally would have preferred it if the Archidiot Lesley Mansell, one of the country’s finest practitioners of inter-faith understanding and dialogue practice with our muslim brothers, had been awarded the post. Without doubt she would have done exactly as I told her and would have been a perfect fit for St Marvin’s new medium term integrated quasi-agile management scoping exercise now entering pre-rollout. The thanks for which  goes to our superb new Parish Administrator and thought leader, Ms Klonowski from London, who continues to exceed expectations here at the Parish Office.

However, the Bishop, after an extensive consultation with worshippers across the Diocese, has selected the Rev Bowels and we must make what we can of this sub-prime appointment of an insufferable, inexperienced and theologically troubled minister. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon sagely advises, “Suffer not and cast thy first stone at those who might pry too closely into your management of financial affairs.”

Obviously I am in personal charge and successfully in total control of all of the affairs the Rev Bowels wants to interfere with. For example, car parking issues at St Marvin’s are now officially moving toward resolution. Even if, technically, waiting times for church services have increased due to our congregational health and popularity. My increased fees and charges regime for car parking has provided a welcome financial uplift for the Church Media Fund in these financially straightened times too.

Similarly, our Property Sub-Committee, under the guidance of Mr Orrett  and Mr Baber, continues to make prudent decisions on land sell-offs and development that are benefitting the whole parish in all sorts of ways as well as offshored corporates and private investors. A “win-win” according to my business savvy parishioners. As for my training needs, my regular trips to the US to work and pray alongside my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon, more than fulfil all my worldly educational needs. What can I possibly learn from this aging curate from Winterbourne?

This, however, does not in any way alter my original view, expressed to parishioners some time ago, that a Bishop’s Curate is a superb addition to the diocese and we will financially contribute to make this post a huge success. Although surely the Right-Wing Reverend Bowel’s efforts are best aimed at poorly administrated parishes in Bath or, even, his own Church of the Poison Mind in suburban South Gloucestershire?

Some of you have approached me for an update on our partnership with the Islington parish of St Jeremy-the-Hapless-Incompetent. While I’m happy to confirm that the partnership is ongoing, I see no reason to offer commentary on this arrangement at this time. Let’s instead focus on the parish of St Marvin’s and our excellent local sister parishes of St Goth’s-the-Pint-Size, St Thingy’s, St Karyn and All Tories and St Darren-the-Dunce’s. Speaking of which, with the summer coming, I’ll be able to tell you a little more about our exciting partnership religious festival programme in our next newsletter. Until then, farewell and may God continue to bless the righteous and lay serious police charges against my blasphemous enemies.

The Vicar