Tag Archives: flies

DIPSHIT AND DUDD’S POLLUTION DETECTIVE AGENCY

DIPSHIT AND DUDD'S POLLUTION DETECTIVE AGENCY

The Avonmouth night was dark and moist and a pall of heavy smoke hung in the air at the agile office space of Dipshit and Dudd Investigations Inc. The only sound was the smug hum of overpriced Apple products bought on expenses and an old overhead fan that was failing to clear the air. This fug, however, wasn’t from cigarettes but from the burning of principles and campaign promises.

The unlikely duo sat in their office waiting for the iPhone XS to ring. Dipshit Darren Jones MP was attempting to straighten his hair with a clothes press while updating his homework log for a remedial Access to Technology course at the local poly. Kye Dudd, Cabinet Member for Waste, began to annoy the local cats with a saxophone rendition of Careless Whisper(s) in preparation for a performance at the upcoming Southville Sourdough, Stilt and Yogurt Weaving Festival for Corbyn.

Dipshit: How the fuck am I going to explain it to the electorate Dudd?

Dudd: What are you rambling on about now you twizzle haired fucktrumpet?

Dipshit: Charming! No need to have a pop at me buddy, you’re the one who went there and met the idiots.

Dudd: I had no choice. They were bullying me on social media and pointing out that I wasn’t doing what I am employed to do. I mean fuck ’em and all that  but they were making me look bad. This could impact on my chances of getting the Reverend to erect a lifesize statue of me for services to Corbynism at the new spaceport transit hub in the Bearpit.

Dipshit: You look bad? You’re not the one who stood up and denied there was a problem when there clearly was.

Dudd: Oh fuck off, you git. How much more do you trouser each month than me? You got the motherlode, £77k plus expenses. How many greased hamsters can you get for that?

Dipshit: Well they got an FOI in that promises to expose me for covering up the problem. It’s due soon. I’ve got the local rag onside so they won’t cover it but there are others that might.

Dudd: Who? Tell me and I’ll make sure they never talk again. I got mates you know.

Dipshit: Fuck off you wanker. Your mates? That’s Don Alexander and his shitty copy of the Old Testament isn’t it? I think I can handle it. My associates have a common purpose and the Rev’s into it up to his neck. He’ll ensure the media paint us in a good light..

Dudd: Who are these twats anyway? They claim to live in the parish?

Dipshit: A bunch of boghoppers who scratch a crust off the tip at Avonmouth.

Dudd: Ah that’s fine then. Thought they might be important. Is that even in the parish?

Dipshit: Allegedly, yes. We get taxes off them but in reality it belongs to our friends the Bellringers. They bought it for £1 and a dodgy pie from the clown prince a couple of years ago.

Dudd.. Phew, fuck ’em all then.

Dudd picks up his sax and Daz scratches his head and frowns at his confusing homework log.

AVONMOUTH COUNCILLOR IN RACISM ROW

Sit-Down-Shut-Up-600x700

Is Avonmouth Labour councillor Don “Lenin” Alexander a LIAR, MISOGYNIST and a RACIST?

At a recent Labour Party event to discuss waste issues for their manifesto for the 2020 mayoral election, Lenin openly shouted at a “difficult” female member, telling her “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP“. This was after she raised the issue of the FLY INFESTATION at Avonmouth and the conduct of the regulatory bodies responsible, Bristol City Council and the Environment Agency.

This, however, is not the first time Lenin has managed to INSULT MINORITIES. When he recently appeared on the council’s Public Safety Committee, responsible for licencing taxis, committee members were shocked when Lenin told a muslim taxi driver that he couldn’t have tinted windows in his taxi because it might ENCOURAGE TERRORISTS!

 Shouldn’t this revolting little shit be in the Tory Party?

BOOM BUST?

Oliver latter Boomeco

Criminal polluter: Oliver “Bankrupt” Latter, ho!, ho!

Oh dearie me, seems times are very hard indeed for Oliver Latter’s criminal polluting waste firm, BOOMECO. For it seems the Avonmouth recycling firm that packages up waste and exports it to Sweden to be incinerated for a tasty fee from Bristol City Council is up for sale!

Meanwhile reports emerge that the firm procured by Mayor Rubbish just six months ago – after the snooty liar denied he intended to do any such thing – is on the verge of BANKRUPTCY. “There’s very little activity around their yard these days,” we’re assured.

Whether Latter will be able to offload his useless polluting firm that was fined £19k recently for infesting Avonmouth with flies and is also subject to a legal class action from 200 local residents over this issue is a moot point.

Our spies tell us that corporate giants BALFOUR BEATTY have already declined an offer to buy the firm and its expensive legal action. We also understand other Avonmouth firms, many with dubious clean air credentials themselves, are watching this class action unfold with increasing concern.

Watch this space …

FLY SWOT SWOTTED

The hugely entertaining ‘FLY’ protest by activists in Avonmouth at their Make Sunday Special event on September 13 managed to enrage someone other than lying MAYOR THINSKIN, the object of the protest.

A bizarre report of the protest cobbled together by the Nazi Post from film footage nicked off the internet even reported the mayor apparently hallucinating as he claimed “THE PROTESTER HAD FOLLOWED HIM AROUND WITH A PIG’S HEAD“.

Most people found the sight of this protestor dressed as a fly, with no pig’s head in sight, a cause of hilarity as he followed Mayor Boomeco around his UNINSPIRED EVENT.

However, one resident took a dimmer view of the mayor being harangued about everything from why his DAUGHTER’S CRAP CHARITY was getting so much cash off his council to the OPEN CORRUPTION in his environmental health department.

Appearing under the Post’s largely fictitious story of the protest came a comment by ‘FLY SWOT‘. He claimed the protestors “Happen to be bigger pests in the community than the flies”! He also called them “a band of three vile people” and accused them of “continually victimis[ing] individuals for trying to make positive changes in the area”.

Coincidentally, the same three people happen to be leading a class legal action involving over 200 residents against the criminal polluting firm Boomeco who created a fly infestation in Avonmouth in 2014.

And unfortunately for ‘Fly Swot’, who’s possibly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, his Nazi Post user account reveals his real name is IAN SMITH.

Surely this is not the same Ian Smith of Avonmouth who runs the unicorporated association, ‘Project Avonmouth’. And surely this isn’t the same Ian Smith who received £1,000 from the criminal polluters Boomeco into his PRIVATE BANK ACCOUNT last year  for the use of the community, which has now DISAPPEARED without any explanation from Smith?

Indeed, it is one and the same Ian Smith. Perhaps someone as equally community-minded as Mr Smith should contact the coppers and get them to ask him what he’s done with his community’s money?

AVONMOUTH PLAGUE SHOCKER!!!

We might have rid Avonmouth of human excrement but the the mayor and the Merchant Venturer’s plan to turn Avonmouth into a hell-hole unfit for human habitation continues apace as they now attempt to visit plague upon the area!

But let’s let everyone’s favourite independent council election candidate take up the story from here (and leave you to ponder what the actual representatives for the area do apart from bank cheques from the port company …)

From: s-norman123@hotmail.co.uk
To: mayor@bristol.gov.uk;
CC: zoe.sear@bristol.gov.uk
Subject: RE: plague of flies
Date: Thu, 15 May 2014

Dear George,

Once again I have to email regarding a new public health problem in Avonmouth created by your good old buddies and Merchant Venturer friends Mr D Ord and Mr T Mordant (aka the Bristol Port Company).

These being the very same people that you want to gift the freehold of the port to at a knock down price of £10 Million. It would appear that they have now begun with their master plan of polluting Avonmouth in the last 48 hours by infesting the area with flies – a carrier of bacteria & disease-causing organisms.

£10m is cheap at half the price to wipe out the human habitation in Avonmouth, Shirehampton and Lawrence Weston!

Now, let’s bring in to the equation overpaid environmental health officers who have – from the information I am currently receiving from local residents – been inundating environmental health with complaints. Moreover, it’s not just residents complaining but also a number of businesses.

The local residents are being told “Of Course We Will Come out and Fumigate Your Home”. Sounds great so far – just like someone selling you a place in paradise. But don’t be silly, we’re talking BCC here. So then comes the famous BCC catch phrase, “you will have to pay for this service”!

Can you or your officers please clarify why the residents should pay for the privilege of being infested by flies when it is a problem created by your good old buddies Mr Ord & Mr Mordant, people who are making millions from the port and causing nothing but misery to residents with their continued expansion into dangerous cargoes such as Biomass?

The infestation has been caused by biomass material stored and exported from N Shed, where in the last 36 – 48 hours a cargo has been loaded on to a ship. In view of the fact that BCC have a holding in Bristol Port Company with a Non-Executive Director could you ask your Merchant Venture Friends if they will be refunding the lease holder of the Avonmouth Tavern, Portview Road – which is closest to the facility ‘as the dust flies’ –  the £120.00 she has had to pay for two fly sapping machines and any loss of trade caused by this infestation?

I am also aware that the Miles Arms Public House had to seek fumigation yesterday and, in addition, the following business has had an infestation – the Royal Hotel on Gloucester Road. I am also being informed the local Health Centre and Costco Wholesale have been infested although I am not able to confirm this at this precise moment in time.

I think it would be prudent at this stage to bring in to the equation the biomass plant approved by BCC planners that the Bristol Port Company are going to allow Helios to build at the end of the eastern arm of the port. This will be using the same material currently being exported, which is causing the problem, only on a much larger scale. 850,000 tonnes per year – that’s a lot of flies.

Furthermore, going on information received I believe the unloading and storage facility will be close to the residential area of Avonmouth on the site of the old Co-Op Flour Mill which has recently been pulled down.

George, I think it is time for you to go on a jolly to Chernobyl and get that twinning certificate.

Will you or your office please clarify what your officers are doing to get this problem under control? May I also remind you flies lay little eggs and unfortunately it is not chickens that come out of them.

In light of this serious problem and the health issues created by such an infestation, will BCC waive all charges to local residents who contact environmental health seeking assistance? Maybe the Bristol Port Company will assist with these costs to the BCC environmental health budget?

Although I expect their answer will be buy fly killer or it’s not down to us.

I look forward to your immediate response in light of the misery this is currently causing local residents and businesses. Failing a satisfactory conclusion, a number of residents have informed me that they are quite prepared to put a fly infestation in to the offices of the Bristol Port Company and City Hall. Obviously this would take a little time as they would have to breed them from scratch.

Without wishing to sound facetious you are the divine power and can make this happen.

Yours Sincerely

Mr Stephen Norman

 

*********STOP PRESS**********

Bristol City Council Environmental Health have CONFIRMED the infestation has been caused by BIOMASS