Tag Archives: Gus Hoyt

MISSING MARKETS MONEY, GAGS, CHEESE AND MARK BRADSHAW: WHAT I DID IN THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS BY AUGUSTUS HOYTY-TOYTY AGED 37¾

MONDAY:

Bumped into our brilliant new Chief Executive Mrs Yates today while I was wandering around on the third floor trying to find something useful to do. She was at the photocopier running off a considerable amount of paperwork headed ‘GAGGING ORDER’. I asked her what she was up to as a bit of a conversational opening gambit and apparently she was just doing some early preparatory work to pop in the top drawer of her desk. Then she gave me a little grin, grabbed the paperwork and headed off to her office – sorry, I mean flexible work space.

I must say she seems very professional and efficient and she can operate a photocopier! Certainly an improvement on Mr Sims, who seemed to need a PA to switch a light on for him never mind operate a Blackberry or that iPad he was given that he thought was a clipboard for the first three weeks. I sense already that Nicola is the person to lead the new hi-tech open City Hall culture George and I are embedding. Good times!

TUESDAY:

High-level meeting with new Cabinet member, Labour’s superb Mark Bradshaw today. To be able to work alongside such a supremely gifted and able politician and first rate intellect is a privilege. Mark and I discussed very important matters relating to George’s proposed RPZ scheme that I can’t tell you about. Although we will inform the public at an appropriate time. As Mark said, car parking is far too important to discuss in public.

WEDNESDAY:

Had an excellent two o’clock with George today. I must say he’s in a far better mood since he went up to Harley Street to see his doctor about his anxiety issues. He’s now installed a comfy sofa in his office and he was lying on it wearing only his favourite Fairtrade silk dressing gown (red, of course) with his feet up reading Fifty Shades Of Grey! He’s also mentally firing on all cylinders again and has had yet another brilliant idea – ‘City of Cheese’

Apparently he bought a particularly ripe and vibrant brie at our first Make Sunday Special food market and he thinks Bristol Brie could be a really amazing international place-making tool for the city. I could only agree and promised – as the Cabinet lead on food – to get on it right away. I then had to leave as he needed to take his Effexor, whatever that is, and relax for a while.

THURSDAY:

Finally got in today to see Mr Mann, our transport boss, over at Brunel House. What a strange meeting. When I walked in Mr Mann was holding a small teddy bear at his face level and appeared to be having a conversation with it. “Hello Sir Gus,” he said, “this is Teddy. He helps me with policy.”

Thinking I had better change the subject sharpish, I pointed at a large green safe in the corner of the room that seemed to be wrapped in about four toughened steel chains secured by around six padlocks. “That’s where I keep the Greater Bristol Bus Network performance statistics,” explained Mr Mann. “We can’t be too careful. We don’t want them getting out to the press or public, do we?” he muttered quietly.

If nothing else, I suppose we should be impressed by Mr Mann’s commitment to information security. The rest of the meeting was about RPZs, which I can’t tell you anything about because car parking is quite rightly a top-secret issue.

FRIDAY:

Had a row today on Twitter with those horrible, nasty, beastly people at The BRISTOLIAN. They keep banging on about this missing £165,000 missing from the Market Service that I’m ultimately responsible for. It is of course all complete nonsense. As George has kindly explained to them there is no evidence of any wrongdoing at all. So come on guys, sometimes you just have to accept that £165,000 just disappears from public sector organisations without any explanation. Mankind isn’t perfect, is it? We just can’t explain everything, can we? Like how bees fly; UFOs; the Loch Ness Monster; the Bermuda Triangle; Alastair Sawday; homeopathy and David Lynch films. Some things are simply pure mystery.

Besides I’m happy to confirm that Mr Harvey, the Facilities Manager responsible for overseeing the money, has fully investigated himself and has confirmed nobody has done anything wrong. The Metropolitan Police seem to be able to investigate themselves without all this fuss. What more do these people want?

They should join UKIP with all the other racist stirrers and RPZ resisters who want to destroy mine and George’s progressive coalition for Green progress in Bristol with their relentless focusing on silly little details and small amounts of missing money rather than looking at the big canvas of Bristol George and I are busy colouring in green.

ALLOTMENTS FOR SALE! WHO’S GETTING RICH OFF THE GREAT GREEN SPACES LAND GRAB?

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Battle lines are being drawn in St. Werburgh’s between green-fingered local residents and sharp-suited corporate vultures over a blatant INNER CITY LAND GRAB following the announcement that the Lynmouth Road allotments will come onto the open market next month.

The one-acre parcel of land, with a guide price of £20,000, is being AUCTIONED OFF on 25th September by Clifton-based estate agent HOLLIS MORGAN. Its brochure notes that “there may be some long term development potential”, and suggests the possibility of vacant possession – which would only happen with the eviction of allotment holders. To rub salt into the wound, Hollis Morgan made the announcement just after National Allotments Week!

The Lynmouth Road site had been owned by training provider SCOUT ENTERPRISES (which readers with long memories may recall was heavily involved in compulsory workfare schemes, from Project Work through to Work Programme) before it went tits-up late last year.

Since then the ‘independent assurance, tax and advisory firm’ GRANT THORNTON has been in charge, and now its crack team of ‘recovery and reorganisation’ specialists – Richard Hicken, Nigel Morrison and Lynn Taylor – is ready to ASSET-STRIP THE ARSE OFF THE ALLOTMENTS.

Of course, this being Ashley ward, they face stern resistance from BS2’s mighty Green Party councillor duo SIR AUGUSTUS ‘THE DORK KNIGHT’ HOYTY-TOYTY and his sidekick ROB ‘BOY WONDER’ TELFORD. By “stern resistance” we do of course mean firm promises to “ensure it is referred to the relevant planning committee”, the possibility of a petition, and the submission of “strong objections” – TAKE THAT, THE MAN!

Meanwhile, the legal side of the St. Werburgh’s land grab is being handled by none other than VEALE WASBROUGH VIZARDS, the current home to baldy-headed former Bristol City Council lawyer-in-chief STEPHEN ‘MAHNA MAHNA’ MCNAMARA, and – as we may have mentioned before – best known for representing Catholic private school St. Benedict’s during a paedo priest scandal.

Whilst it isn’t known if McNamara is directly involved in this deal, he has certainly in the past been connected to what you might politely describe as ‘odd’ green-spaces-to-developers deals. One notable one also involved GEORGE FERGUSON before he ~~bought~~ won the Mayoralty and appointed the never-knowingly-overinformed Sir Hoyty-Toyty to become his ever-loyal Minister of Blue Peter Appeal Milk Bottle Top Collections.

So the Lynmouth Road allotment holders might be wise not to put too much faith in the likes of Hoyty-Toyty to draw a particularly deep line in the sand over their green space.

PHWOARR WOT A SCORCHER! NEW ‘BRISTOLIAN’ HITS THE STREETS

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After a few technical problems (it being boiling hot for a start) the latest issue of your favourite muckraking scandal sheet The Bristolian is now hitting the streets!

Packed full of stories, this edition features:

CUFF LOVE
Bristol City Council arms security guards with cop-style handcuffs to use on people visiting Phoenix Court ‘Customer Service Point’!

FERGUSON FAMILY FIND FUNDING – NOTHING FOR KNOWLE WEST
Mayor Fergo and his daughter find plenty of money for their linked pet schemes – but Knowle West community service has funding removed…

INHUMAN RESOURCES?
Budget slashers at Shitty Hall threaten overtime ban for workers

NOTHING VENTURED, NOTHING GAINED
The dirty blacklisting secrets of the rich bastards rinsing our city

COUNCIL FRAUDWATCH
A look at the leaky sieve that is the BCC accounts

£103 IS THE MAGIC NUMBER
We know what £103 means, you know what £103 means – but does it add up?

REDTROUSER RADAR
We continue to track the globetrotting antics of our lothario millionaire mayor – racking up the Air Miles on your money!

PLUS:

Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty’s Cabinet Diary – the latest journal entries from Bristol’s village idiot
Plot 6 Thickens – the industrial wasteland they can’t give away
Mallett’s Mayor – we reveal Fergo’s showbiz chums
Hibaq To Basics – Lawrence Hill councillor’s very own sex scandal brews on
A Sick Racket – profiting from misery in Kingsdown RPZ

See the Distribution page for your local stockist – and if there isn’t one near you, let us know!

» DOWNLOAD: The BRISTOLIAN #4.5 – July 2013 (PDF)

GUS AGAINST THE WORLD: FROM ‘EH?’ TO RPZ

MONDAY:

First meeting of the new four-strong city council Green Group and it went very well indeed. We almost fill a small corner of a Committee Room now! We covered everything from how totally opposed we are to any of the cuts we vote for, to hammering out some VERY SERIOUS POLICY POSITIONS.

First in the in-tray was the super controversial Resident Parking Zones. After some frank, open discussion and very serious debate, and with brilliant input from all our councillors, we agreed a consensus policy on the issue. Basically, on the first and third Wednesdays of each month, we are totally in favour of the Resident Parking Zones. We will meet again next week to hammer out what to do if there’s a fifth Wednesday in the month. On weekdays – except, obviously, the first and third Wednesdays – when the sun shines we are against the parking zones. On weekends, regardless of the weather, we think it should be left for the communities affected to decide.

We then had a vigorous debate about rainy days and Mondays, except – obviously – any rainy first and third Wednesdays and all days on weekends – but remain undecided.

We agreed to come back to the issue next week after George had made his mind up about it all anyway. We’ve also drawn up an EXTENSIVE COMMUNICATIONS STRATEGY on the issue to cascade to all Bristol Green Party members. It reads:

IT’S NOTHING TO DO WITH US – BLAME GEORGE.

Tried to pop in to see George afterwards but he was busy in a meeting with the very independently-minded MR PERRY FROM CLIFTON, so he asked me to come back tomorrow.

TUESDAY:

Popped back up to the third floor to see George this morning and bumped straight in to a beaming MR HOLT clutching a handful of BRISTOLIANs and shouting at me, “Have you seen it? Have you seen it? I’m in it!” I congratulated him and he skipped off to show ANGIE RIDGWELL. It must be said that being called by a girl’s name in The BRISTOLIAN may well turn out to be Peter’s crowning achievement from his time in the city.

Tried to see George but he was with Mr Perry again. Indeed Mr Perry was sitting in George’s Eames chair with his feet up on his desk while George appeared to be standing listening intently. In my opinion Mr Perry was very rude telling me to go away as they were busy running the city.

WEDNESDAY:

Tried to see George again. When I got to the third floor I could hear raised voices or, rather, a raised voice that sounded rather like Mr Perry’s. It was something to do with resident parking I think and the words “Stop dithering! Just bloody get on with it, you useless red-trousered old” something-or-other.

Mostly I could hear what they were saying, but I have never heard of a ‘STANKWAIN’ before, and it’s not in My First Illustrated Dictionary. When I tapped on George’s door he immediately opened it and shouted at me to – and even as I write this I’m blushing – “Eff-you-see-kay off and stop stalking me!”

Charming! After everything I’ve done for him. That’s the last time I iron his silk pyjamas as a favour before one of his late-night list-ticking sessions.

THURSDAY:

Decided it was time to start focusing on my new cabinet portfolio. Started with council housing today and explained in detail to the council housing boss MR PALMER how I wanted a wraparound strategy to retrofit our housing for the forthcoming environmental apocalypse in place ASAP. In the meantime I told Mr Palmer to set up a Twitter account to talk up solar panels and cavity wall insulation.

Mr Palmer said he thought his housing officers would be “thrilled” by my “creative approach” as it would make a change from all that depressing Bedroom Tax Spare Room Subsidy stuff. He also invited me to his leaving do, as he’s going next Tuesday. “Who’ll be in charge then?” I asked. He just laughed and said, “SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY, GUS!”

FRIDAY:

Tried to find out today who’s in charge of the city’s council housing from next Tuesday. Nobody seemed very sure. Also bumped into my new Cabinet colleague MRS MASSEY in the corridor this afternoon. She was trying to find out who was now in charge of education as the excellent MRS HUDSON was also leaving. We both decided to call it a day and go to the cider bar at Eat, Drink, Bristol.

SUNDAY:

Attended the Reed Service at St Mary Redcliffe Church today. It’s a special ceremony for us councillors, and a great opportunity to dress up. Someone asked me if I was a Christian and I did my usual response of staring at the ground and shuffling about a bit before changing the subject. As it was the weekend, I just said, “I think the communities affected should decide on parking zones, don’t you?”

But George didn’t find it funny, though.

FERGO FARRAGO: MILLIONAIRE MAYOR’S PERSECUTION COMPLEX WEARING THIN

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Are the signs of strain already getting to Gorgeous George? His recent antics down at the Bearpit pedestrian underpass between Stokes Croft and Broadmead – which saw him telling a member of the public, one Paul Saville, to “FUCK OFF” simply for asking him about Resident Parking Zones – certainly suggest so.

As do his bizarre excuses to the media following his very public breakdown. “He was stalking me!” squealed the LIGHTWEIGHT RED-TROUSERED FANTASIST about a person who had spoken to the him all of, er … twice!

The madness of King George’s attacks on his critics are increasing exponentially by the month. Back in the halcyon days of his election campaign, he merely accused his critics of “party politicking”. Once in office his critics became “silly”. Now he regularly accuses any critics of being “stalkers”.

The BRISTOLIAN therefore suggests that if you want to disagree with George do it quick.

At this rate of attrition, by Christmas you’re likely to be labelled by the mayor as “rapist” or “paedophile”.

GREEN GUS KICKS UP A FUSS

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Feeling the pressure of high office in these early days of Bristol’s Rainbow Reich is George’s little Green helper, Cllr Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty.

In between launching into crazed diatribes against vegetables and throwing around wild accusations of theft, the second most effective Green councillor for the Ashley ward has been upsetting his own constituents with his ERRATIC AND EVASIVE approach to their concerns over Resident Parking Zones.

This culminated recently in a bizarre outburst from Sir Gus, when he claimed a photo in the Evening, sorry, Bristol Post of a few pensioners on Cobourg Road in Montpelier BRANDISHING PITCHFORKS and mock threatening Gorgeous George over his Parking Zones represented a serious and present danger to Sir Gus’s personal safety.

“They’re doing this on the street I live [on],” whined the selfless Green, a vociferous champion of councillors living in the areas they represent. Except if the Electoral Register is to be believed, there is NO GUS HOYT now living on Cobourg Road.

Most strange. Perhaps Sir Gus has been taking lessons from Bristol Labour’s most deranged Alderman, Royston Griffey? Is Sir Gus now Lord of the Montpelier Manor and labouring under the belief that the whole ward belongs to him?

Have the pressures of being a high-flying local politician meant that Hoyty-Toyty has also forgotten to register his current address for Council Tax?

BARKING GREEN ADMITS THEFT AT MARKETS

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Ho-ho-ho! Green giant prat and esteemed councillor Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty drops a double clanger

The BRISTOLIAN‘s ongoing digging around into financial irregularities at Tony ‘The Toerag’ Harvey’s city council Markets Service is paying unexpected dividends after the service’s new Cabinet boss, our old friend Sir Gus Hoyty-Toyty, openly admitted today on Twitter that money has been stolen out of the Market Service’s safe.

Further questioning of the barking mad Green, however, revealed that he sees no need to contact the police about this theft of our money and he instead seems to be intent on shooting the messenger – your caring, sharing BRISTOLIAN – and protecting the guilty.

Sir Gus’s outburst comes just two days after His Royal Georgeness claimed on the self-same Twitter that:

[There is] no evidence of fraud, and no funds unaccounted for. Please cease unsubstantiated insinuation #endofstory

What’s a £283k overspend to a millionaire mayor? Fergo weighs in on the markets accounts chaos

Well, no need for ‘unsubstantiated insinuation’ any more, George. Your gopher’s publicly admitted a load of money’s been nicked from a council safe.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

NEW BRISTOLIAN HITS THE STREETS

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The latest edition of Bristol’s premier investigative scandal sheet is out now, packed with the stories that the other papers can’t be bothered to cover, including…

‘THREATS’ OVER DOCKS DEATH

Rush to silence whistleblowers over ‘accidental death of a cyclist’ that could have been avoided

SELF-POLICING ACADEMY IN RACISM ROW

‘No institutional racism here’ says institution – case closed…

NO REFUNDS!

Council holds onto cash thanks to major problems with new ‘cost cutting’ system

UPDATE: “BRISTOLIAN GOT MY MONEY BACK!”

Intervention by The Bristolian wins young mum refund!

B.R.T: AN OMNIBUS SHAMBLES

Bridge row as transport scheme fiasco trundles on – George’s Stalingrad?

HORSEWORLD BOSS RIDES CHARITY INTO THE GROUND

Rehoming centre heading for knacker’s yard?

TROUGH OVERSEAS AGAIN!

Mayor’s expensive Euro jaunt habit exposed

Plus: May Gurney recycling contract blackmail; Bristol Pound celebrates Mayor’s salary; local councillor annoyed that expenses won’t cover his girlfriend; Council lies over number of gagging orders; and more from Gus Hoyty-Toyty’s Cabinet Diary.

All in your super, soaraway monthly muckraker The Bristolian!

See the Distribution page for where to get your copy…

PRATTLE ROYALE IN ASHLEY

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It’s all go in Ashley ward, which covers St Paul’s, fashionable Montpelier, St Werburgh’s and upmarket St Andrews, as sitting councillor and sacked former Lib Dem Transport chief ‘JOLLY’ JON ROGERS is fighting to hold his seat from a Green onslaught. The Green’s ultra-naïve SIR GUS HOYTY-TOYTY won the ward at a canter last time out, but it seems Jolly Jon has developed a triangulation strategy to fight back…

The beleaguered paper millionaire Lib Dem can now be regularly found on Facebook breathlessly hyping the joys of Reiki, pottery and other madcap green pastimes… How long before we discover he’s converted to Buddhism or attached solar panels and a windmill to his spacious St Andrews pile? Will he be next to jump on the inflatable vegetable bandwagon?

He’s up against Green ROB TELFORD, a political anorak and desperate wannabe in the provincial Lib Dem mould, best known for running an inane Twitter account (about which he can be rather sensitive) and being prepared to turn up for the opening of an envelope anywhere, anytime in the Ashley Ward.

Despite both candidates being politically predisposed to the mayor’s proposed parking zones, strangely neither will commit to one in Ashley due to the uncertain electoral calculus involved in actually having an opinion on them! Just the kind of decisive conviction politicians we need to take the city forward. The other option for voters in Ashley, who’s also yet to express an opinion on anything, is the IndyRedpants candidate, KARL BELIZAIRE, a “social entrepreneur” and self-styled “influential force of social innovation”.

Or ‘wanker’ as we would traditionally call him.

HOYT’S HATE TWEET SCANDAL SHAME SHOCKER

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It is with great concern that The BRISTOLIAN passes on news received today from a reader relating to embattled Green councillor, SIR GUS HOYTY-TOYTY.

It was only yesterday that GEORGE’S MINISTER FOR FREE-RANGE BEARDS vowed to never again “walk while I tweet” after prompting an international race hate scandal with his announcement that he “hated aborigines”. Diplomatic relations between Bristol and Australia were briefly severed before a hastily convened summit meeting established that Gusbo had actually meant to broadcast his loathing of aubergines – which in turn precipitated a rift between Shitty Hall and the Soil Association.

Councillor Hoyty-Toyty’s frantic attempts to row back from the political precipice seemed to work, but were then potentially self-scuppered when he promised to refer to the vegetable in question by its racially-charged American name, ‘eggplant’ – recalling 2009’s COCONUTGATE SCANDAL caused by Shirley ‘Not A Racist’ Brown-Marshall, the Lib Dem councillor he subsequently replaced in Ashley ward.

Yet less than 24 hours after his pledge to stop ‘tweet-walking’, our tipster spotted the CUDDLY GREEN TEDDY BEAR flagrantly and feverishly tapping into his smartphone whilst striding along pushing his expensive bike and with a £200 solar-powered ~~inflatable vegetable~~ rucksack on his back, in an apparent dash to get to the Farmers’ Market at St. Nick’s before all the organic quinoa disappeared in the lunchtime rush.

Councillor Toyty – we implore you – SEEK HELP. If it is not treated, and soon, this compulsion of yours will sink your political career.