Tag Archives: John Hirst

KEBAB-ED!

This is what now passes for style among the city’s cognoscenti

Having trashed a couple of the city’s finest Georgian buildings with decor that looks like a tasteless tart has commissioned a pissed-up David Walliams to decorate her boudoir, Bristol Harbour Hotel is now setting about ruining local small businesses.

The Corn Street boutique hotel – on the site of the former Lloyds Bank – opened in October last year to a muted fanfare from anyone with a basic regard for STYLE or CLASS. Or anyone who had unfortunately seen the hotel’s ghastly interiors, overpriced restaurants and appalling self-regarding PR and gushing fake news articles for themselves on the internet.

Now we learn this over-the-top shithouse for the wealthy with no taste has made a formal LICENCING COMPLAINT to the city council, “about the presence of a fast food van that is located on the corner of Corn Street directly opposite our entrance that is present 5 nights per week.”

“Late night refreshments are served from the Van between the hours of 7pm and 3am and this service is the source of considerable noise and disturbance to our hotel residents,” whines the hotel’s general manager. As if no one involved in this hotel noticed, until after they had opened, the rather excellent MARKET KEBABS van that’s been out there doing no harm whatsoever for over ten years?

For some reason, the hotel is “now of the opinion” that this kebab van “represents a SERIOUS THREAT to the operations of the hotel”! Which roughly translates as “we don’t want plebs scoffing kebabs anywhere near the kind of snooty morons daft enough to fork out to use our dreadful business “.

Obviously those council-funded supporters of local business, Destination Bristol, AGREE with the owners of the horrifying hotel. The tourist board’s Kommandant, our old friend John “Fuhrer” Hirst, has also written to the licencing department expressing his “concern” about the kebab van.

“Having a fast food trader within metres of the main door is not conducive to a new and developing UP MARKET establishment,” rants das Fuhrer, neatly indicating who he cares about in our city.

“We are delighted that the Harbour Hotel has opened in such an historic location with a MASSIVE financial investment from the investors, which should be nurtured and protected,” he concludes.

Welcome to Bristol: the city where the wealthy are nurtured and protected and the plebs can fuck off out the way round the corner!

NAZI ZIP SHIT

John Hirst: An angry man with a fowl temper

John ‘FUHRER’ Hirst

You expect to read crap in the Bristol NAZI POST all year round but they really excelled themselves in August with an endless stream of aimless stories about a naff plan to put a pointless ZIP WIRE across the Avon Gorge as some kind of tourist attraction.

The plan seemed to be the brainchild of JOHN “FUHRER” HIRST, the former Broadmead Fuhrer who has now been handed strategic command of the DESTINATION BRISTOL Reichsbunker to promote tourism.

In a blitzkrieg of drivel, der Fuhrer detailed his plan to climb up Uncle George’s backside and get on the mayor’s crappy circus bandwagon of turning the centre of our city into an enormous and slightly crap Disneyfied theme park:

“My dream is that someone who lives in Clifton and works in Bedminster could get there by zip wire!” waffled the Fuhrer.

What a splendidly practical and inclusive idea that is. Touted to be just £25 a go, the Fuhrer and his creative hipster constituency must be really raking it in if they can spend £25 on just getting to work every morning!

JOHN HIRST: SIMILAR TO…?

John Hirst: An angry man with a fowl temper

John Hirst: An angry man with a fowl temper

Some other chicken farming bloke

Some other chicken farming bloke

News reaches us about long-term friend of The BRISTOLIAN, the former Führer of Broadmead and now the city’s tourism-and-business boss at Destination Bristol JOHN HIRST.

It seems that the ex-shopping centre supremo with the anger management problems has taken up a new hobby to calm his nerves: CHICKEN FARMING.

Now, if only we could think of a well-known chicken farmer from history, then we could end on a cheap punchline…

MASSIVE PAYOUTS! MASSIVE CUTS! MASSIVE BELLENDS! …PLUS SOME GOOD NEWS TOO IN THE LATEST EDITION OF ‘THE BRISTOLIAN’!

The BRISTOLIAN #4.7 - coverOctober’s edition of The BRISTOLIAN is another PACKED ISSUE, featuring…

» NEARLY £900k IN PAYOFFS TO CRAP COUNCIL BOSSES!
Ex-Chief Executive and six Directors squeeze almost a million quid out of us

» FAT CAT GAGA’S DOSH SENSATION!
Second choice ‘City Director’ Nicola Yates’s well-funded departure from Hull

» GARGAN GETS FEAR OVER INTERNET PROFILE PIC!
Avon & Somerset Police’s Arch-Druid Nick Gargan confuses fictional copper for real thing

» INDYREDPANTS MAN AND THE AFFAIR OF THE ACCIDENTAL WORKFARE
PR guru Oliver Mochizuki fails to silence concerns over festival’s forced labour ‘volunteers’

» LABOUR’S NON-MAYOR: REES-KING RIDICULE?
Failed Shitty Hall candidate Marvin Rees shamelessly puts himself in same category as MLK

» HAVE A KITCAT? BREAK A STRIKE
Councillor Telford and Mayor Ferguson get chummy with Brighton’s binman-hating council boss

PLUS: NEWS IN BRIEF!!!

» BRISTOLIAN BITES
Tantalising titbits including…

  • MERCHANT VENTURER LANDGRABhow Fergo’s pals want your libraries and parks!
  • CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST who does John Hirst remind us of?
  • CABINET KNOWS BESThow Council leaders think they have nothing to learn

» VICTORY NEWS
Positive stories from across the city!

  • V FOR VALERIANpressure from The BRISTOLIAN helps trapped residents
  • ALLOTMENTS SAVED – Lynmouth Road gardeners don’t lose the plot
  • BLACKLISTERS IN RETREATsafety-hating construction companies on back foot

PLUS: COMMENT!!!

» BRISTOL’S BROKEN DEMOCRACY?
Outgoing Finance boss Peter Robinson leaves a ‘Zero Budget’ shit-in-a-box for Mayor Fergo

» TOWN GREENS: LATEST
Why you can’t trust councillors to do the right thing

PLUS: NEW D.I.Y GUIDES!!!

» TOP TIPS TO BEAT THE BEDROOM TAX!
Practical lawyer’s advice on how to survive the ‘Spare Room Subsidy’

Blimey! And all that for FREE!

See the Distribution page for your local stockist – and if there isn’t one near you, let us know!

CAN’T WAIT TO GET HOLD OF A PAPER COPY?

Then you can DOWNLOAD a PDF version here:

» The BRISTOLIAN #4.7 – October 2013