Tag Archives: IfB

THE ELECTION SECTION – MAY 2014 PREVIEW!

STORMIN’ NORMAN

Firebrand social care campaigner and friend of The BRISTOLIAN, Mr STEVE ‘STORMIN’ NORMAN, who’s recently been shaking things up at the council and elsewhere over the Holmwood House scandal, has declared he will be running for council as an independent candidate for Avonmouth in the May local elections.

This might disappoint Labour, who have their old stager JOHN ‘BUMBLE’ BEES lined up and would be hoping to keep the seat, currently held by their washed-up ex-MP, Doug Naysmith.

Norman will be running on a ticket attacking the council’s abysmal record in social care, which as well as embarrassing the city council may well expose Labour’s COULDN’T-GIVE-A-TOSS-PRIVATISE-THE-LOT attitude to social care in the city.

JANKE QUITS

Meanwhile, the current cabinet boss for social care, BARBARA JANKE will announce she will not be running for her Clifton seat again.

Janke has had little influence in changing the dismal quality of residential social care provided by private providers in the city and instead has been acting as little more than a mouthpiece for council managers determined to cover up the lethal state of privatised residential care in the city.

A suitably fitting damp squib finale for this politician of the second rank.

PAEDOS AND FOGHORNS

Over in the alternative universe occupied by INDYREDPANTS FOR BRISTOL – the political party that says it’s not a political party – it looks like business as usual to us with the endorsement by IfB of Stella Perrett as its candidate in Redland.

She, you may recall, is a close former friend and associate of disgraced local Lib Dem kiddie porn aficionado councillor John Astley, who in 2004 was convicted for his paedo peccadilloes – as well as a number of electoral fraud charges which, err, The Artist Formerly Known As Stella Hender also faced!

Meanwhile, the Redpants’ foghorn-voiced closet Tory boss, Mayor Fergo’s pal STEPHEN ‘UNSPARKLING’ PERRY, has “fast-tracked” himself to become the candidate for Clifton, effectively replacing one enormously embarrassing candidate – BRENDA ‘WISE MONKEY’ MCLENNAN, the Analphoney’s innumerate bean counter – with another enormously embarrassing candidate – himself!

This new politics looks strangely like the old politics, doesn’t it?

70% OF BRISTOLIANS CAN’T BE WRONG?

The local elections take place on Thursday 22 May 2014, along with the non-event of the European elections.

As many as 70% of people in Bristol will not vote. And who can really blame them?

Will it make any difference?

ABANDON SHIP AT THE ARNOLFINI AS ‘PHONEY WAR CONTINUES!

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Never more than one overpriced, underperforming art installation away from self-inflicted disaster, the elitist arty-farties of Harbourside’s ‘contemporary art’ gallery ARNOLFINI really have been surpassing themselves over the last year or so.

Not only did they manage to lose an entire ‘Executive Team’ in the space of a month, but their tenants – spread over three voluminous floors of their prestigious, cash-generating Bush House headquarters – all quit. If that wasn’t enough, they then uncovered a large black hole in the finances of around £360K – and promptly FIRED THEIR OWN AUDITORS, Grant Thornton!

Meanwhile, a deranged “recovery plan” to convert the top three floors of the Bush House bunker – at public expense! – into an “art hotel” predictably flopped.

At the height of last autumn’s crisis, the place had to be run by a sub-committee of posh twits from the Analphoney board of trustees. That was because centre director TOM TREVOR was frogmarched off the premises in October so that he could, er, “pursue a number of international curatorial projects”! Presumably he didn’t have a family to “spend more time with”, then?

Trevor was escorted out the door right after the other half of the “executive team”, finance chief and our old friend BRENDA ‘WISE MONKEY’ MCLENNAN, was herself ‘disappeared’ from the organisation without explanation last August.

Brenda, you may recall, is currently vice-chair of Bristol City Council’s financial watchdog, the Audit Committee. So despite an organisation apparently sinking faster than the Titanic on her watch, she got a job overseeing sound financial practice at the council! (But then again, between 2009-2013 she notched up a not-to-be-sniffed-at £1,958.53 in expenses from the council, which suggests a certain amount of flair…)

You may recall that Brenda – she of the £800k Clifton Wood mansion – was a candidate at the last election for George Ferguson’s INDYREDPANTS PARTY, promising that she was going “to shake things up” at the Council House. Well, she’s certainly managed to shake things up at the ‘Phoney!

Other victims of the mass clear out include colourfully-named former chair LOVEDAY SHEWELL. She quietly left after six years in the post in July 2012. Although oddly, despite the UK’s arty-fartie-bore-in-chief Sir Nicolas Serota describing the ‘Phoney as “one of a handful of the most significant cultural centres in Europe,” Ms Shewell has mysteriously left her time with the gallery off her extensive CV. Why could that be?

Meanwhile, that renowned patron of the arts, business genius and financial whiz – MAYOR FERGO himself – hastily quit his post on the board of trustees in December 2012.

Demonstrating, yet again, that George’s instinct for survival outstrips his business acumen by some way.

BRISTOLIAN #4.9 NOW ON THE STREETS!

PLUS: BRISTOLIAN BITES!!!

Tantalising titbits including…

THINK OF THE CHILDREN! – barney between Fergo’s true believers & Labour at charity bash
PRIMARY FAIL – IndyRedpants election strategy off the rails already?
UNIFORMLY BAD – what’s going on at popular Totterdown school?
THIEVES IN THE TEMPLE – £90 million budget cuts not affecting the consultancy gravy train
BEDROOM TAX LATEST – Council prepares to boot poor families onto street for Christmas
LEGAL NEWS – panicky BCC misrepresents own consultants’ findings on Mem impact
HOYT’S GOURMET JOY – ‘Assistant Mayor’ fills his face with food & reneges on ‘No Evictions’

…And all that for FREE!

See the Distribution page for your local stockist – and if there isn’t one near you, let us know!

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Then you can DOWNLOAD a PDF version here:

» The BRISTOLIAN #4.9 – December 2013

THE BRISTOLIAN #4.8 – OUT NOW FROM ALL GOOD STOCKISTS!

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Well, we have been so busy working on the ‘Ms X’ story these past few days that we have not had the chance to tell you that the latest issue of your favourite local Smiter of the High and Mighty has been on the streets for a week!

November’s edition of The BRISTOLIAN is another PACKED ISSUE, featuring…

» BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL: WE’RE BEING ROBBED!
More cash disappearing from ‘of concern’ authority – this time from cash-in-transit

» MAYOR GRASS FARCE
A right royal game of lawn-acy as Fergo visit gets preferential grass-cutting treatment

» HOYTY-TOYTY’S PORK BARREL POLITICS SCAM
Green Councillor coughs up three times reserve price for allotments that couldn’t be developed on

» COUNTING THE COST OF CITY HALL LIARS
Farcical claptrap from council managers destroys open spaces, runs up massive bills

» CORPORATE FEED-IN FRENZY
China and big business cashing in on city’s solar power bonanza

» CRAP EMPLOYER OF THE MONTH: CLOVER ADVERTISING/APPCO GROUP
The lowdown on why this is one “billion dollar enterprise” you probably don’t want to work for…

» INDYREDPANT’S UNWISE MONKEY’S HORROR NO-SHOW
How the ‘outsider’ who ran in council elections for IfB “shook things up” on audit committee by not turning up

» B-LIME-Y
A merry-go-round of useless managers squanders £100k on lethal play equipment while kids’ education suffers

» HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
How PFI deals with the private sector cost us masses more…

PLUS: NEWS IN BRIEF!!!

» BRISTOLIAN BITES
Tantalising titbits including…

THE NEW POLITICS – Lib Dem Stella Hender returns as anti-Green artist Stella Perrett
PICKUP PACKS UP! – mystery of Labour councillor’s ouster at hands of own party
FERGO IN PITTSBURGH CONGRESS – His Redtrouserness continues to rack up those AirMiles
HUNGER GAMES – starving kids made to trudge halfway across city to pick up food arcels
GASTRO PUB RUN BY IDIOTS – hard to imagine, we know

…And all that for FREE!

See the Distribution page for your local stockist – and if there isn’t one near you, let us know!

CAN’T WAIT TO GET HOLD OF A PAPER COPY?

Then you can DOWNLOAD a PDF version here:

» The BRISTOLIAN #4.8 – November 2013

GUS AGAINST THE WORLD: FROM ‘EH?’ TO RPZ

MONDAY:

First meeting of the new four-strong city council Green Group and it went very well indeed. We almost fill a small corner of a Committee Room now! We covered everything from how totally opposed we are to any of the cuts we vote for, to hammering out some VERY SERIOUS POLICY POSITIONS.

First in the in-tray was the super controversial Resident Parking Zones. After some frank, open discussion and very serious debate, and with brilliant input from all our councillors, we agreed a consensus policy on the issue. Basically, on the first and third Wednesdays of each month, we are totally in favour of the Resident Parking Zones. We will meet again next week to hammer out what to do if there’s a fifth Wednesday in the month. On weekdays – except, obviously, the first and third Wednesdays – when the sun shines we are against the parking zones. On weekends, regardless of the weather, we think it should be left for the communities affected to decide.

We then had a vigorous debate about rainy days and Mondays, except – obviously – any rainy first and third Wednesdays and all days on weekends – but remain undecided.

We agreed to come back to the issue next week after George had made his mind up about it all anyway. We’ve also drawn up an EXTENSIVE COMMUNICATIONS STRATEGY on the issue to cascade to all Bristol Green Party members. It reads:

IT’S NOTHING TO DO WITH US – BLAME GEORGE.

Tried to pop in to see George afterwards but he was busy in a meeting with the very independently-minded MR PERRY FROM CLIFTON, so he asked me to come back tomorrow.

TUESDAY:

Popped back up to the third floor to see George this morning and bumped straight in to a beaming MR HOLT clutching a handful of BRISTOLIANs and shouting at me, “Have you seen it? Have you seen it? I’m in it!” I congratulated him and he skipped off to show ANGIE RIDGWELL. It must be said that being called by a girl’s name in The BRISTOLIAN may well turn out to be Peter’s crowning achievement from his time in the city.

Tried to see George but he was with Mr Perry again. Indeed Mr Perry was sitting in George’s Eames chair with his feet up on his desk while George appeared to be standing listening intently. In my opinion Mr Perry was very rude telling me to go away as they were busy running the city.

WEDNESDAY:

Tried to see George again. When I got to the third floor I could hear raised voices or, rather, a raised voice that sounded rather like Mr Perry’s. It was something to do with resident parking I think and the words “Stop dithering! Just bloody get on with it, you useless red-trousered old” something-or-other.

Mostly I could hear what they were saying, but I have never heard of a ‘STANKWAIN’ before, and it’s not in My First Illustrated Dictionary. When I tapped on George’s door he immediately opened it and shouted at me to – and even as I write this I’m blushing – “Eff-you-see-kay off and stop stalking me!”

Charming! After everything I’ve done for him. That’s the last time I iron his silk pyjamas as a favour before one of his late-night list-ticking sessions.

THURSDAY:

Decided it was time to start focusing on my new cabinet portfolio. Started with council housing today and explained in detail to the council housing boss MR PALMER how I wanted a wraparound strategy to retrofit our housing for the forthcoming environmental apocalypse in place ASAP. In the meantime I told Mr Palmer to set up a Twitter account to talk up solar panels and cavity wall insulation.

Mr Palmer said he thought his housing officers would be “thrilled” by my “creative approach” as it would make a change from all that depressing Bedroom Tax Spare Room Subsidy stuff. He also invited me to his leaving do, as he’s going next Tuesday. “Who’ll be in charge then?” I asked. He just laughed and said, “SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY, GUS!”

FRIDAY:

Tried to find out today who’s in charge of the city’s council housing from next Tuesday. Nobody seemed very sure. Also bumped into my new Cabinet colleague MRS MASSEY in the corridor this afternoon. She was trying to find out who was now in charge of education as the excellent MRS HUDSON was also leaving. We both decided to call it a day and go to the cider bar at Eat, Drink, Bristol.

SUNDAY:

Attended the Reed Service at St Mary Redcliffe Church today. It’s a special ceremony for us councillors, and a great opportunity to dress up. Someone asked me if I was a Christian and I did my usual response of staring at the ground and shuffling about a bit before changing the subject. As it was the weekend, I just said, “I think the communities affected should decide on parking zones, don’t you?”

But George didn’t find it funny, though.

REDPANTS PEGS POUND

MAYOR GORGEOUS DITCHES INDY REDPANTS AFTER DESULTORY ELECTION RESULTS?

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So the votes have been counted, and despite thousands of pounds spent on promoting the middle class vanity project ‘Independents for Bristol’ – the ‘party that’s not a party’ set up by a bunch of Mayor George Ferguson’s rich chums on the grounds that the City Council isn’t stuffed with enough self-regarding toffs or laptoperati – IfB only managed to win a single seat. And that was Kingsweston, won by the all-but-in-name Lib Dem Jason Budd!

Now that Labour is the biggest party in Shitty Hall with 28 councillors, George has been making overtures to them to get them inside his fast-sinking administration. Indeed, it is of note that instead of palling up with the single successful Indy Redpants candidate and offering Budd a place in his Cabinet, George has now turned his head to attracting in some Labour faces, having pointedly said:

I very much hope we can achieve a four-party cabinet, because I think it’s in Bristol’s interests and I also think it’s in the parties’ interests.

Seeing as he already has the Lib Dems, Tories and Green Party represented in his fake ‘rainbow coalition’ Cabinet of cuts-makers, it’s a rather harsh snub for the hard-working finance directors, self-facilitating media nodes and political anoraks who so tirelessly canvassed as proxies on his behalf.

The failure of the Indy Redpants to fire the imagination of Bristolians might have something to do with their insufferably middle class smugness, and their barely credible claims to be representing a change in city politics.

Cast your mind back ten years to the only-half-serious Bristolian Party – born of an earlier version of this very scandal sheet. It put up twelve candidates across Bristol, including a couple – for comedy value – in Clifton and Clifton East, on a ticket of “reclaiming our city back from the corporate developers”.

In the four wards contested by both the Bristolian Party in 2003 and IfB in 2013, the Bristolian candidate placed higher than the IfB in all but one (Clifton, unsurprisingly). The Bristolian candidate beat the IfB candidate in votes and vote share in two wards – trouncing IfB in both Ashley and Easton. In Lawrence Hill the Bristolian candidate polled just twelve votes fewer than IfB. And in all the jointly-contested wards, the Bristolian Party faced a higher proportion of voter turn-out than the IfB.

So what does that say about the ‘success’ of Fergo’s ‘independent’ outriders of the Indy Redpants, their ability to inspire voters, or their willingness to address issues on the doorstep?

That they were roundly outperformed by a bunch of chancers united by contempt for the well-heeled political classes in Bristol that the IfB so clearly seeks to represent?

PRATTLE ROYALE IN ASHLEY

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It’s all go in Ashley ward, which covers St Paul’s, fashionable Montpelier, St Werburgh’s and upmarket St Andrews, as sitting councillor and sacked former Lib Dem Transport chief ‘JOLLY’ JON ROGERS is fighting to hold his seat from a Green onslaught. The Green’s ultra-naïve SIR GUS HOYTY-TOYTY won the ward at a canter last time out, but it seems Jolly Jon has developed a triangulation strategy to fight back…

The beleaguered paper millionaire Lib Dem can now be regularly found on Facebook breathlessly hyping the joys of Reiki, pottery and other madcap green pastimes… How long before we discover he’s converted to Buddhism or attached solar panels and a windmill to his spacious St Andrews pile? Will he be next to jump on the inflatable vegetable bandwagon?

He’s up against Green ROB TELFORD, a political anorak and desperate wannabe in the provincial Lib Dem mould, best known for running an inane Twitter account (about which he can be rather sensitive) and being prepared to turn up for the opening of an envelope anywhere, anytime in the Ashley Ward.

Despite both candidates being politically predisposed to the mayor’s proposed parking zones, strangely neither will commit to one in Ashley due to the uncertain electoral calculus involved in actually having an opinion on them! Just the kind of decisive conviction politicians we need to take the city forward. The other option for voters in Ashley, who’s also yet to express an opinion on anything, is the IndyRedpants candidate, KARL BELIZAIRE, a “social entrepreneur” and self-styled “influential force of social innovation”.

Or ‘wanker’ as we would traditionally call him.

INDY REDPANTS FOR BRISTOL!

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Excitement is in the air for the forthcoming councillor elections in May after the creation of a new political party in the city that’s key selling point is that it’s really not a political party at all!

The newly formed ‘Independents for Bristol’ (IfB) party is running a slate of WELL-HEELED MIDDLE CLASS CANDIDATES across many leafy Bristol West wards – though this wholly independent, anti-establishment party does appear to have managed to avoid standing candidates against any vulnerable Lib Dem cabinet members such as Clifton East’s longstanding Minister for Culture & Junkets SIMON COOK, or over-promoted bartender-turned-Housing supremo GUY POULTNEY in Lockleaze. Now that is a surprise!

This new non-party party’s website is full of the usual inconsequential guff about integrity, openness and honesty and talks of “a new type of politician being needed” due to “widespread disillusionment with party politics in the UK”, although there’s no sign of any actual policies or beliefs they might actually pursue should they be elected.

The party-that’s-definitely-not-a-party has been set up by former BBC journalist and professional posh bloke STEPHEN PERRY, who coincidentally also set up Mayor Gorgeous’s Bristol 1st Party. It’s a fact which, when pointed out to him, gets Perry rather hot under the collar. After all, how can a self-styled anti-establishment independent posh bloke possibly have a conflict of interest or be in any way less than honest about what he is up to?

Other supporters and candidates for the party include George’s old millionaire mucker from Clifton, eco-waffler ALISTAIR SAWDAY, and one of George’s campaign workers and former Lib Dem prospect, JASON BUDD.

Independent? My arse.

ANAL PHONEY ‘INDEPENDENTS’

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The ‘INDEPENDENTS FOR BRISTOL’ (IfB) – Mayor Redpants’ second crack at creating a political ‘party that’s not a party’ in under a year following his ‘Bristol 1st’ ticket – is picking up pace, with eight people so far selected to run for council seats.

A typical flavour of IfB comes from its Clifton candidate, chartered accountant Brenda McLennan, the finance & operations boss at the Arnolfini Gallery. From her £800,000 CLIFTON WOOD MANSION she is promising “to shake things up at City Hall” as one of these “new types of politician” running for the IndyRedpants. And how very, very new her personal management practices are at the Arnolfini.

McLennan’s snooty art gallery recently advertised for stewards, offering to pay them the princely sum of £6.20 AN HOUR – a whole 1p an hour more than the minimum wage! And for that “a flexible approach to working days and hours is required” as the gallery is open six days a week!

Just the kind of progressive attitude to low pay and employment this city needs more of, isn’t it?