Tag Archives: Nicki Beardmore

ST-MARVIN’S-UP-THE-CREEK PARISH NEWS #13

Lucky parishioners personally invited to the premiere of my thrilling biopic film, ‘The Reverend’s Ace: a shameless hagiography’, please note that the venue has been switched from the Church Hall due to a small completion delay in its transformation process. The film, by my German friend Ms Helga Goebbels, is an enthralling documentary about my incredible journey and features fascinating interviews with friends and family as well as focussing on my lovely new garden furniture from B&Q. See you there!

More good news, this time regarding the delayed pay-as-you-go self-service tea vending solution in the vestry. The original contract with our self-service tea vending solution partner, Agresso Refreshment World, has been formally off-tabled at a commercially confidential but highly competitive settlement rate. Now, the parish’s Interim Head of Agile, Ms Beardmore from Shropshire will initiate a smart procurement process to locate a new best value self-service tea vending solution partner.

Ms Beardmore wants an integrated solution in place by as soon as next January so that we can make efficiencies in tea delivery as soon as 2021. That is a small slippage of just four years in the delivery of this complex refreshments transformation project. Ms Beardmore also assures me that a step change in biscuit provision may be walked down the decision pathway going forward.

I have now tasked Ms Beardmore with investigating further efficiencies that prioritise elasticity in our budget envelope as it is further stretched by the Diocese’s austerity plans. One proposal is to reimagine the underused parish library, where weird old religious books gather dust, as a drive-thru communion facility for an increasing number of parishioners with less time for traditional worship but with salaries that might be better reflected in the collection plate. Ms Beardmore, with her superb customer services background, also proposes installing a 24-hour self-serve telephone communion service facility with a fully integrated credit card payment option.

Both initiatives are ideal for parents seeking an easy-pay, time efficient journey for their child into the parish’s OFSTED rated ‘excellent’ St Snoot’s Academy. We have already procured a team of digital enablement consultants from London to work up a joined-up feasibility working paper and we will embark on an innovative consultation exercise to review this exciting transformation plan soon. I shall update on this agile worship programme as it progresses.

On budget, on time and on target, the church toilets are now permanently closed. Those needing toilet facilities should try the High Street where we are inviting businesses to express an interest in providing free toilet facilities for St Marvin’s worshippers

Finally, please note that places remain available on my flagship leadership programme exclusively for dull middle managers and accountants with no personality. Spaces are limited, so get in touch quickly if you wish to join the likes of Ms Beardmore and myself as inspirational parish leaders. As my mentor, the Texan psychotic preacher and notorious anti-communist homophobe, the Pastor Righteous Loon always tells me, “promote the dull, stupid and insipid for they will always do as they’re told.”

Farewell and adieu.

The Vicar

AUDITORS SLAM ENERGY SHAMBLES

Even Bristol City Council’s own external auditors, BDO, have CONDEMNED the incompetent management of Bristol Energy, the council’s laughing stock energy reselling business that started trading in 2016 and has cost us about £25million so far.

“We have NOT seen evidence that the risks and potential financial losses of this investment were fully understood by the council when the investment was made in 2015 and 2016,” say the auditors before concluding, “Bristol Energy has NOT performed in line with its original 2015 business plan.”

This business plan, signed off by Nicki “Chocolate” Beardmore, the Reverend’s golden girl senior manager on £300k a year, said they would MAKE a 12% return on investment after 5 years and 35% after 10 years. Instead, the company reported a LOSS of £3million last year and £7million this year. With 110,000 customers and an initial investment of £15.3million by Bristol City Council, this means Bristolians have SPENT £139 for each customer and then Bristol Energy has generated a further LOSS of about £70 per customer. Top work!

BDO go on to conclude that a further hurriedly rewritten business plan in 2016, which admitted NO PROFITS were in sight, was also a lot of crap. “We have some concerns that the risks around the energy company, its governance arrangements and greater than expected losses were not understood fully by the Council in the early part of 2016/17.”

The auditors are now applauding the inevitable arrival of a team of CONSULTANTS from London to pick over the bones of this CORPSE and personally cash in on the shambles. “Independent Advisors and external consultants have been commissioned to provide advice on how the governance arrangements for the Group could be improved and financial and commercial advice to optimise value in the delivery of the Council’s investment and ensure that the Council achieves the best value for money outcome,” they claim.

When are we going to get a decent, decisive politician willing to pull the plug and shut down this miserable money pit shambles devised by idiots?

TAX EFFICIENT EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

 Please step forward our favourite bureaucrat, Nicki “Chocolate” Beardmore, the hapless incompetent council boss from Shropshire who bravely fled the county in 2015 just before the local authority company she was running for Shropshire Council COLLAPSED.

Chocolate was originally drafted in to Bristol City Council in 2016 to set up Bristol Energy, the Reverend’s USELESS energy reselling business that’s posted LOSSES of over £10million since Chocolate launched it with £15million of our money. She has subsequently enjoyed a dizzying rise to become the Reverend’s number 2 and Head of Paid Service at Bristol City Council.

Naturally, such dazzling ‘talent’ deserves an EXCEPTIONAL SALARY and the Reverend’s been more than happy to oblige. Indeed we can reveal he was paying this SERIAL FAILURE £1,220 a day throughout the autumn! All conveniently routed through the council’s employment agency, Guidant, to avoid any prying eyes and allow Ms Chocolate to collect her booty tax efficiently through a private company if she so chose.

£1,220 a day works out pro rata as a salary of £317,200 a year. This is over twice the salary of the Prime Minister and puts Ms Chocolate comfortably in the top 30 highest earners in local government in the UK.

And ain’t she worth every penny we’ve been ripped off

FIREGUARD IN TOP JOB JOY

Choco’s last great success

We know how to call it at The BRISTOLIAN. Following our in depth profile of The Reverend’s new Interim Strategic Director of Resources, Nicki “Chocolate” Beardmore, in issue 36, we learn the vicar’s appointed this useless twat HEAD OF PAID SERVICE and, effectively, his new Chief Exec!

The highlight of Chocolate’s CV is a stint as Chief Operating Officer for a loss making local authority company in Shropshire that had to be wound up for CORRUPTION. Just the person to take charge at Bristol City Council as our new “leader” then.

Oddly, Chocolate wasn’t appointed Head of Paid Service until 11 October, which meant another strategic director, John “Braindead” Readman had to fill in between Big Wedge’s low key DEPARTURE at the end of September and Chocolate’s CORONATION on 11 October. Why might this be?

Head of Paid Service is a statutory post that must be filled at all times and by an employee of the local authority. Could it be that Chocolate had to quickly rejig her financial affairs so that she was no longer paid TAX EFFICIENTLY through her own company but through the PAYE system like a NORMAL EMPLOYEE?

I think we should be told …