News that Avon & Somerset’s top cop Nick Gargan was found guilty of EIGHT minor charges of misconduct and was furnished with EIGHT final warning letters has got a bizarre coalition of Police Federation wankers, former chief constable wankers (yes, that’s you Colin port) and local politician wankers demanding his head on a plate.

A similar coalition led by fat twat Liberal Democrat, Gary Hopkins – notorious for his over-friendly relations with BROADBURY ROAD POLICE STATION – are  also behind attacks on Avon & Somerset’s Police and Crime Commissioner Sue Mountstevens. They are blaming her for wasting £0.5m suspending Gargan on full pay for over a year while investigating his conduct.

Gutbucket is now promising a full investigation by his committee of old farts at the POLICE AND CRIME PANEL. He says they’re going to “scrutinise the Police and Crime commissioner” due to “serious concerns” especially around Gargan’s “recruitment and what happened prior to his suspension”.

Which makes you wonder if the useless fat bastard and his gang of dodgy old coppers have bothered to actually read the Misconduct Panel report into Gargan’s misdemeanours?

This report does agree that forwarding confidential work emails to one of your many squeezes – local BBC journalist LAURA JONES – and assisting various other attractive women with their applications for senior posts with Avon & Somerset Police is probably the height of stupidity for a public servant on a six-figure salary employed for their absolute integrity. It also concludes GARGAN’s conduct is worthy of disciplinary action.

However, it seems, the wider story concerning this fiasco is being buried amid huge amounts of bluster from an establishment gang of old white men committed to scoring political points against a female PCC and who want to maintain an old school cop culture of RACIST POLICING and ENDEMIC CORRUPTION  at Avon & Somerset. A culture Gargan had been committed to removing.

Indeed, if you read the Misconduct Panel report into Gargan, they don’t seem much bothered by his minor misdemeanours and they don’t identify anything Mountstevens has done wrong at all.

In May 2014 Mountstevens received allegations regarding Gargan’s conduct around women from TWO WHISTLEBLOWERS. Mountstevens suspended Gargan and then passed the case to the IPCC to investigate, as she’s legally required to do.

The report makes clear that responsibility for most decisions regarding Gargan then passed to Avon & Somerset’s IPCC commissioner, JAN WILLIAMS. An inexperienced and incompetent health service manager who had already fucked up and delayed an IPCC investigation into the death of BIJAN EBRAHIMI.

Ebrahimi was the Iranian asylum seeker BEATEN AND THEN BURNED TO DEATH in a horrific attack in 2013 in Broomhill under the noses of coppers from BROADBURY ROAD POLICE STATION. An episode that resulted in the suspension of TWELVE police staff and the prosecution of THREE under Gargan’s leadership.

The EBRAHIMI INVESTIGATION was crucial to Gargan and his efforts to modernise the Avon & Somerset Constabulary and sweep away what we can politely and lawfully refer to as his force’s “old fashioned practices”. In this context, the report by Gargan’s Misconduct Panel is extremely enlightening as it spends far more time discussing the conduct of the IPCC than Gargan’s minor transgressions.

It was Williams at the IPCC who, having discovered within two months that the allegations regarding sexual harassment against Gargan were baseless, embarked on a FISHING EXPEDITION of his iPhone. It was this investigation that formed the slim basis of the disciplinary action eventually taken against Gargan.

It was Williams at the IPCC who WITHHELD from Mountstevens’ office for months the fact she had obtained no admissible evidence from any female witnesses in support of the original hearsay harassment allegations against Gargan.

It was Williams at the IPCC that MISLED Mountstevens throughout the summer of 2014, in order to keep Gargan suspended, that there was a likelihood of a criminal prosecution being brought against him under the Data Protection Act.

It was Williams at the IPCC who consistently REFUSED to lift Gargan’s suspension and therefore used our council tax to pay him to sit at home.

It was Williams at the IPCC who continually FRUSTRATED disclosure of evidence to Gargan between 2 February and 27 May 2015 and therefore DELAYED Gargan’s Misconduct Panel hearing by months.

It was Williams at the IPCC who FAILED “to comply with its disclosure obligations all the way to the Misconduct Panel’s door”.

It was Williams at the IPCC who under cross-examination COULDN’T EXPLAIN what the term “evidence” means.

It was Williams at the IPCC, according to the Misconduct Panel, whose understanding of the concept of ‘relevance’ was, until 24 April 2015, ‘CONCERNING’.

It was Williams at the IPCC who was described as “ALMOST INCOHERENT” when giving evidence to the independent Misconduct Panel.

It was Williams at the IPCC whose submissions were described by the Misconduct Panel as “A LITTLE UNREAL”.

It was Williams at the IPCC who supplied a spreadsheet redacted “BEYOND COMPREHENSION” to the Misconduct Panel.

It was Williams at the IPCC who continually promised Mountstevens a ‘HARD HITTING’ report into Gargan despite knowing full well that her investigation had unearthed NO ADMISSIBLE EVIDENCE in relation to the original harassment allegations while the data protection breaches she uncovered did not merit criminal proceedings.

By the end of June 2014, when the investigation into the original harassment allegations had unearthed no admissible evidence, Mountstevens’ CEO Jonathan Smith had started action to prepare for Gargan’s return to work.

This was PERSONALLY STOPPED by Williams at the IPCC who had by then embarked on her iPhone fishing expedition against Gargan. The very same man who had complained about her conduct of another IPCC investigation into the death of – who else? – BIJAN EBRAHIMI!

And it was Williams who then had to have the simple concept of “CONFLICT OF INTEREST” explained to her by a lawyer when she gave evidence to the Misconduct panel.

Meanwhile, the Misconduct Panel’s report contains NO CRITICISM of Sue Mountstevens and treats the soppy list of minor allegations against Gargan as lightly as they deserve.

The whole investigation into Gargan has, therefore, more than a passing resemblance to a STITCH-UP by VESTED INTERESTS and OLD SCHOOL COPPERS desperate to get rid of a modernising influence on our police.

The IPCC’s got a lot of questions to answer here and JAN WILLIAMS’ position seems untenable. Does anyone believe this useless, dodgy bureaucrat is capable of independent oversight of our dubious police force after this?

And will Gary Hopkins’ and his political Police and Crime Panel be doing an investigation into the conduct of their IPCC Commissioner rather than pursuing a pointless and very public witch hunt for their own DIRTY POLITICAL REASONS against Mountstevens?

Don’t hold your breath.


mattbakerA semi-regular series on the ‘chequered history’ of the mayor’s new spin doctor, MATT “PAGE 3” BAKER, former bag-carrier and sleaze slinger for Labour’s hugely entertaining MP for Rochdale, Simon Danczuk.

Oh dear. It’s a full blown scandal!

It’s goes from bad to worse for Mayor Cock Up and his new spin doctor, Matt “Page 3” Baker.

It was revealed last night on the BBC’s North West Tonight news show that a Labour councillor in Rochdale who has been SMEARED AS A PAEDO by Baker will be starting legal action for lbel against him next week!

See this legal threat in all its glory. Just follow this link: BBC North West Tonight – Baker paedo smear story and the fun starts at about 8 minutes in.

We understand Baker has spent the last three days and a considerable part of his fee from Mayor Gullible trying to stop this being broadcast. Tragically he failed!

We also understand that while Baker told Rochdale Online last week he had “no recollection or record of sending this email [smearing a Labour colleague as a paedo]”, Baker has now claimed to a BBC reporter that his email account must have been “hacked”!

What will his tall story be next week?


mattbakerA semi-regular series on the ‘chequered history’ of the mayor’s new spin doctor, MATT “PAGE 3” BAKER, former bag-carrier and sleaze slinger for Labour’s hugely entertaining MP for Rochdale, Simon Danczuk.

Your caring, sharing, sleuthing BRISTOLIAN has managed to track down some information on the fake internet accounts run by Mayor Sleazeball’s new spin doctor, MATT “PAGE 3” BAKER when he was employed by Rochdale MP, SIMON DANCZUK.

It seems Baker and Danczuk first met when working on The Big Issue In The North in the late 90s. Danczuk left to set up VISION TWENTYONE, a social research company, with RUTH TURNER who went on to be Tony Blair’s director of government relations and the chair of his Faith Foundation.

The company, which specialised in using government cash to set up citizens juries to come up with ways of improving communities, went tits-up when the Labour government cash finally dried up in 2012 OWING £222,000. Danczuk is quoted as describing his business flop as, “a difficult experience but I’ve learned a lot of lessons from it.”

So that’s all right then.

Baker, meanwhile, went to work at MANCHESTER BUSINESS SCHOOL until the pair became reacquainted in 2007 when Danczuk was selected as Labour PPC for Rochdale and Baker started working for him.  Although it’s unclear whether Baker was also working for the Business School at the same time. Efforts to establish his period of employment there are currently ongoing.

The BRISTOLIAN’s been told that even in 2007, “most of Matt Baker’s activities for Danczuk seem to have centred on the press and on ‘BLACK OPS.’”

Indeed, Baker was forced to admit that one particularly virulent contributor to the popular ROCHDALE ONLINE forum, a ‘MR PHIL SEDGLEY’, was in fact him! He was also using several other PSEUDONYMS  to attack opponents both within and outside the Labour Party. While actual people in the Labour Party were often bemused when challenged over letters to the press that had appeared in their name that they clearly had no knowledge of!

Then there was ‘RUTH LUGER’, who was especially nasty.  This turned out to be the wife of his boss at the Business School and it’s almost certain that he wasn’t just using her name but also her account.

When Baker was confronted on the phone about ‘Ruth Luger’ he’s alleged to have BURST INTO TEARS and begged that it didn’t go any further because he was sure he would get the sack and he had just become a father!  No action to stop Baker appears to have been taken.

During the general election campaign in 2010, Baker turned more attention to the local press.  He invented several names for himself with which to bombard the Rochdale Observer and others with stories and letters.  Among the names he was forced to admit were actually him were ‘SEAN CAIRNS’, ‘WILLIAM RILEY’ and ‘HARRY RUSH’!

He is also suspected of using many more fake identities. They all ‘lived’ in properties that were either empty or didn’t exist at all and he was able to get away with it because the papers only published a road name rather than a number. All these MADE-UP letters and stories attacked opponents rather than supported his own candidate.

At the time Baker was living in neighbouring CALDER VALLEY and he had also become the campaign manager for one of the candidates in the Labour selection battle there. This started turning nasty too.  Baker was assumed to be behind much of the poison that had been injected into proceedings and was quite often turned away from Labour Party meetings.

The names he was using to write to the ROCHDALE OBSERVER even started to appear in the HALIFAX EVENING COURIER. Again, always attacking opponents.

So with Baker now installed in the hot seat in Bristol and running his campaign, it’s pretty clear what type of campaign we can expect from Mayor Smear isn’t it?


George Ferguson leafletHurrah! George’s first mayoral campaign leaflet has appeared on the streets.

No doubt it’s been really carefully thought through by his dodgy new spin doctor MATT “PAGE 3” Baker so it looks exactly like something from the Green Party?

“Do you want a career politician running Bristol taking orders from a party leader in London?” it asks.

Er, no we don’t Matt, you huge plonker. But neither do we want a career politician running Bristol taking orders from a BENT NEW LABOUR SPIN DOCTOR from Rochdale, thanks.


mattbakerA semi-regular series on the ‘chequered history’ of the mayor’s new spin doctor, MATT “PAGE 3” BAKER, former bag-carrier and sleaze slinger for Labour’s hugely entertaining MP for Rochdale, Simon Danczuk.

Apparently needing to top-up his paltry MPs salary of £67,060 plus generous expenses, Baker’s former  boss, Simon Danczuk, bagged himself a lucrative NON-EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR gig back in 2013 when Shine Bid Services paid him £1,000 for a couple of days work a month over about 6 months. This salary works out at a very tasty £125k a year pro rata, considerably more than the majority of his Rochdale constituents could expect to earn.

Shine Bid Services help unnamed clients secure funding – usually from government agencies – and they make a big deal of the fact their name NEVER appears on any bid. “We are the back stage assistants,” gushes their website, “shying away from the spotlight to ensure you are always the star of the show.”

Which is all very convenient for an MP keen to sell their influence but keep any of the gory details away from prying eyes. Because, while Danczuk declared  in his Parliamentary Register of Interests that he worked for Shine Bid Services, he DID NOT MENTION any clients he represented or helped get government contracts or funding for.

Of more interest to us in Bristol, where the Baker’s pitched up, is the fact that, Danczuk had two staff registered with the House of Commons authorities with Parliamentary passes and access in 2013. One of them was Matt Baker (based in the North West not Westminster) who on his own Register of Interests made a NIL RETURN.

This is rather odd as Baker’s partner Margaret Quinn works for, er, Shine Bid Services!

So it was all very cosy in Rochdale wasn’t it? Let’s just hope Baker hasn’t brought these bad habits to Bristol then.

MAYORAL ELECTION: will George make a tit of himself?

Given Mayor Sweary’s outbursts over the last few days, no one can deny he’s not in need of a spin doctor.

So step forward Matt “PAGE 3” Baker who’s been employed by Mayor Desperate on a part time basis as one of his campaign managers for the mayoral election next year.

Matt who? That’s Matt Baker, a New Labour PR twat that, until earlier this month, had been spinning like a broken top for weirdo Rochdale MP, SIMON DANCZUK.

Admittedly, Baker’s done a fine job promoting Danczuk on the national stage as a COMPLETE NUTTER obsessed with paedophilia although he’s had less luck with Danczuk’s amply proportioned selfie obsessed wife, KAREN.

Unfortunately, not only was Danczuk far better known for his wife’s tits in the tabloids than his crappy right wing politics and overheated populist anti-paedo campaigns but Baker’s time with Danczuk has ended with Karen running off with her personal trainer! Much to the tabloid’s joy it must be said.

Baker, in his final job for Danczuk then, had to put it about that the MP was suffering from “DEPRESSION”. Translated from Nu-Labour PR drivel-speak, this roughly approximates to “My boss is a sad old man with a limp dick”.

Clearly such exotic experiences will do much to liven up Bristol’s mayoral election. As will Baker’s taste for setting up fake internet accounts during elections. According to Rochdale Online, Baker operated no less than FOUR fake accounts during the 2010 general election. So look out for those dodgy Twitter accounts talking up George and be sure to say a big hello to Matt!

We also understand Baker likes sending letters to the local press accusing members of the Labour Party he dislikes of having sex with underage girls. A matter currently in the hands of Greater Manchester Police “at a senior level” would you believe?

Oh, and finally … It’s rumoured Baker wants to keep his move to Bristol quiet, so please don’t tell anyone!


Carnival revellers dressed as clowns pedal on the clowns parade in Sesimbra village February 11, 2013.  REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro (PORTUGAL - Tags: SOCIETY) - RTR3DNM6

No austerity for clowns in Bristol

Looks like Mayor Luvvie-Dahling and his yes-man sidekick, Cabinet Member for freebies and junketing, Simon “Spend” Cook, have not heard of austerity when it comes to spending money on vital services such as juggling, street entertainers, circus performers, artisan cheese markets and local drama productions.

While environment and waste, planning services, highways and transport, housing services and social care have been hit with cuts of up to 33 per cent to budgets over the last year, the council’s culture budget has shot up 33 per cent from £36.156m to £47.891m!

Isn’t it nice to see Mayor Nepotism and Simon Spend not only looking after their friends and improving their personal ‘international profiles’ but they’re also keeping plenty of freebie tickets for themselves rolling in.
What better way to spend public money is there?


What’s the council’s full-pay, part-time private sector property boss, Robert “Spunkface” Orrett been up to now then?

A brief glance through the council’s draft accounts for 2014 – 15 reveals that operating costs in his Investment Property section have ROCKETED by over 70 per cent in one year from £1.66m to £2.83m.

That’s an INCREASE of over £1.1m in the costs for renting out exactly the same property as in the previous year. So what’s that dubious little ginger shit, Spunkface, doing with all our money then?

Obviously, as it’s a set of Bristol City Council accounts, we don’t really know. Although we do know Spunkface SPUNKING an extra £1.1m in mystery departmental costs only landed us an extra £700k in income for last year.

A net LOSS to us, the council taxpayer during this age of austerity, of at least £400k on the previous year. Feel free to admire that private sector efficiency Spunkface is bringing to the council!

Spunkface, of course, also financially oversees the Markets Service where inexplicable cash losses – listed by Spunkface’s finance minions as “LOANS” – have also been the order of the day for the last few years.

So what’s this private sector property boss up to with our money? Let’s hope it’s all above board, eh?



Look out OLD MARKET – the hipsters are coming! Beards, fixies, overpriced coffee, skinny jeans, organic food, high rents and low IQs may be heading to one of the few shopping streets left in the inner city not yet captured by THE TWATS.
However, the formation of a new company – the OLD MARKET ASSEMBLY Ltd – by the gentrifying goons behind Stokes Croft’s Canteen and No 1 Harbourside, including Mayor Greedy Pants himself, surely spells the end of Old Market as we currently know it?
Although we’re not able to state exactly what ‘The Old Market Assembly’ thinks it is yet. You might as well assume it will involve some artisanal marketing waffle and a craft beer bar furnished with old tat flogging locally sourced food and featuring sub-standard jazz musicians most weekends.
A funeral for Old Market will be held soon.

NETHERLAND: we visit Banksy’s Dismaland so you don’t have to

DismalandUnfortunately The BRISTOLIAN’s exclusive invite to last Thursday’s private view of Banksy’s Dismaland alongside leading art establishment critics like the Sunday Times’ Waldemar Januszczak and the Telegraph’s Mark Hudson went mysteriously missing in the post.

Maybe this goes to show that Banksy’s smart enough to know that pandering to the Murdoch press and elite art critics is a far better career move for the upwardly mobile self-consciously anti-authoritarian street artist than courting half-pissed old radicals who aren’t likely to bother talking you or your work up anyway? Or maybe the postal service is just crap?

For a militant anti-corporate, Banksy’s consistently efficient deployment of sophisticated corporate PR techniques has always been at least as impressive as his art. No doubt people out there who ‘get’ Banksy will explain that his well-oiled corporate PR machine is a prime example of the artist’s highly attuned sense of ‘irony’. As, no doubt, are pisspoor ticket booking systems, absurdly long queues and an entire absence of event management skills.

‘Ironies’ the Bristolian experienced first-hand having attempted last Friday to buy tickets through Banksy’s pisspoor web-based booking system. Then instead having to queue on Saturday for four hours to get in to country’s most talked-about visitor attraction because the booking system had ‘ironically’ gone tits-up.

How we laughed at the brilliance of all this ‘irony’ (a crap theme park with a crap booking system, geddit?) Especially hilarious when ordinary punters with shit to do get pissed about while a small band of wealthy establishment critics, journalists and hangers-on from West London – with sod all that’s important to do – get to swan around and leer out of newspapers and TV sets at you from the heart of this radical, anti-corporate attraction sporting their ‘I’ve-brownnosed-all-areas’ passes.

Here at the Bristolian we were particularly delighted to watch that dangerous radical Krishnan Guru-Murthy of Chanel 4 News, armed with one of those incendiary PPE degrees from Oxford University, wandering around an empty Dismaland helpfully explaining its complexities to us. Krishnan even managed to slip into his prime time news package that he knew who Banksy was! Very cosy.

If you’re not a posh bloke off the TV from West London then getting into Dismaland is a lot more difficult. Queue two hours to get a ticket from a pink fibre glass shed weirdly encased in a pointless framework of 4 x 2 (no doubt people out there who ‘get’ Banksy can tell you whether this is ‘ironic’ or not) then wait another two hours while staff let punters in ten at a time.

The extra wait is so that you can experience a comedy security routine created by Bill Barminski from California. Consisting of cardboard cameras, X-ray machines, metal detectors and a team of game security staff asking daft questions, it’s all a bit weird as you’ve already been searched by proper security and had your biro confiscated. Which makes the installShrekation more a satire on Banksy insecurity, paranoia and losing the plot – underlying Dismaland themes – rather than on the intended target: this country’s ludicrous security obsession.

Once inside the ‘Bemusement Park’ the visitor is presented with a dilemma. When the artist’s chosen medium is crap, what’s the deliberate crap and what’s just crap? In the former column we can safely put the main exhibit, the Princess’s Castle. A fully realised three-dimensional Banksy with obvious nods to Disney.

Aficionados of fly tipping, municipal tips, urban river pollution, rundown industrial estates and inner city blight will love this. Well executed with a fine attention to detail, you can’t help but stop to admire the carefully unarranged distressed corrugated iron, top class rusted barbed wire, the lovingly arranged turds, shopping trolleys, litter and half-sunken boat in the moat and a spectacular cop meat wagon water feature. Inside, we’re even treated to a decent Banksy gag. A wry comment on media and celebrity, which, although more relevant to the artist and his celebrity buyers than us, sits nicely in the Banksy canon.

The only problem with it is that it appears to have consumed the whole Dismaland budget. Look around the rest of the show and nothing gets close. OK, there’s three galleries of contemporary art where you can find some Damian Hirst, Jenny Holzer and something totally fucking mental by Jimmy Caunty if that’s your thing. There’s a few interesting sculptures strewn around the park too.

But much of the rest is half ideas and desperate one-liners by Phil Space. The Mini Gulf, “an oil caliphate themed crazy golf course”, says nothing about big oil or anything else for that matter and is an unexplored pun. A selection of unwinnable fairground attractions – hook-a-mucky-duck, the shooting gallery and knock over an anvil – are half worked ideas. While the much-vaunted refugee themed ‘Mediterranean boat ride’ adds very little new on the subject although, in fairness, it is quite smart-arsed.

No doubt people out there who ‘get’ Banksy will tell you that these exhibits are ‘ironic’ and ‘subversive’. And yes they are. But no more ironic or subversive than, say, the ‘Shrek’ movie, which shares many similar themes. Is Dismaland basically a Hollywood production with fly tipping?

Even Banksy’s leisure worker drones in their pink hi-viz working to a corporate script are an aimless cock-up. When we visited later in the day, many had already thrown away the ‘witty’ corporate script and instructions and were interacting with visitors normally. This should be applauded. Whether yoalg-nose-jpgur boss is Banksy or Bob Iger, Disney Chief Exec, not doing what they tell you is a genuinely subversive act.

Another oddity is a protest politics department stuck in the corner of the site. No doubt people out there who ‘get’ Banksy will tell you this is not ironic. Which leaves you wondering if Banksy really thinks staring at a couple of Damian Hirst’s and taking a ride on a rusty ferris wheel is going to get people demanding the immediate overthrow of capitalism and rushing on to the streets to protest? Or will they be heading to one of the well-stocked bars to upload their Dismaland selfies to Facebook?

More bizarre is a roving group of placard-waving anarchists protesting ‘reality’. What’s that all about then? The concern here isn’t even with the bunch of confused youngsters doing a performance of a protest in a satire of a fake but for Banksy himself. Because Dismaland isn’t really about art or protest or corporate leisure or capital at all. It’s a wealthy international celebrity’s fantasy theme park made real. And the last international celebrity to create his own theme park was?

And how did that work out again?