‘Mayor Of Bristol George Ferguson As Kuato From Total Recall’
Mayor George Ferguson, ink, 2013, Durston Fletcher
More artistic delights from FBWL‘s Durston Fletcher…
BRISTOLIAN GALLERY: ‘MAYOR KUATO’ BY DURSTON FLETCHER
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BRISTOLIAN GALLERY: ‘LOCAL TAXI DRIVER’ BY DURSTON FLETCHER
‘Local Taxi Driver’
Councillor Gary Hopkins, ink, 2013, Durston Fletcher
Our artistic odyssey continues, with Popular Local Radio DJ (it says here) From Bristol With Love‘s very own Durston Fletcher submitting this bold entry into our Best Gary Hopkins Portrait Meat Raffle competition.
Durston has been very busy of late thanks to a burgeoning feud between him and Bristol & Bumpkinshire Chief Constable Nick Gargan (see The BRISTOLIAN #4.7, out this week!), so big BRISTOLIAN thanks to him for taking time out of his busy arch-nemesissing schedule to make beautiful images for us.
BRISTOL CITY COUNCIL BLOCKS BRISTOLIAN!
Word reaches us that council staff are now denied access to their favourite super soaraway scandal sheet after Shitty Hall bosses BLOCKED access to The BRISTOLIAN website.
It seems that due to the constant stream of revelations about acts of incompetence, corruption and idiocy committed under Mayor Fergo’s ‘REIGN OF ERROR’, embarrassed senior BCC managers decided to pull the plug on the ‘Smiter’s site – effectively banning council workers from reading The BRISTOLIAN.
In the words of a whistleblower: “Ridiculous!”
NAZI LIST SHAME OF ‘POST’
That old Bristol Post masthead in all its spittle-flecked glory!
Oh my aching sides… Post editor Mike ‘No Balls Goebbels’ Norton and his crack news team (three interns plus his nephew on work experience) are backing an Avon & Somerset Constabulary campaign against ‘anarchists’.
It follows the £16 million-worth of ‘little local difficulties’ recently experienced at the PFI police gun shack near Portishead – currently just a smouldering heap – which led Gollum-like Chief Constable Nick Gargan and former pastie-dealing Police & Crime Commissioner Sue Mountstevens to announce a big crackdown on “DOMESTIC EXTREMISTS”.
The low-key announcement by the cops – buried in a single paragraph on page six of a 35 page presentation to the council – that they were about to wage war against “DE criminals” was just the greenlight Goebbels – who fancies himself as a sort of local version of Jeremy Clarkson by way of General Pinochet – needed to work up a good frothy rant.
Anarchists now join NIMBYs, cyclists, anti-supermarket campaigners, crusties, socialists, feminists, environmentalists, vegetarians, young people, drug users, clubbers, hippies, students, the jobless, the poor, the elderly, those with disabilities and anyone off a council estate on Goebbels’ growing LIST OF HATE.
It’s starting to look like his enthusiasm for football stadiums extends beyond an interest in sporting prowess.
It might be easier for Goebbels to state simply what he’s in favour of – or should he save himself the bother and just stick a swastika on the front of his newsletter?
FRESH HORSE FLESH SCANDAL AT ‘POST’ AWARDS!
For TROUBLED CHARITY HorseWorld (see The BRISTOLIAN #4.3) the race to the bottom is not yet over if whispers emanating from within the equine charity’s Whitchurch Führerbunker are anything to go by…
Shortlisted for an almost-coveted Bristol Post Business Award, the Horseworld management team forgot about their financial troubles and cut loose at the Awards dinner earlier this Summer. Hey, who wouldn’t jump at the CHANCE TO HOBNOB with red-blooded red trouser fetishist Mayor Fergo and other high-falutin’, self-regarding members of the Bristol business community?
“I heard an envelope was being opened…” Mayor Fergo pops up at the Post Business Awards
So off trotted HorseWorld managing director Mark ‘Not That One’ Owen – plus the whole senior management team and even the chair of trustees – to bask in the recognition of their particular brand of business genius.
Like others attending they made copious use of the microblogging service Twitter to report on events – and as the vino flowed, the messages got raunchier. At a SURPRISINGLY EARLY 9:45pm came a particularly eye-catching tweet from the official HorseWorld Trust account: “Nikki has promised to streak if we get 10 RTs [retweets] or a donation on table 18”…
The ‘Nikki’ in question is none other than Nikki Bridges, the charity’s high-earning Finance Director – the woman in charge of accounts in an organisation HAEMORRHAGING MONEY ever since Owen took up the reins. Possibly not the most becoming behaviour for a charity bean-counter.
Her boss Owen didn’t even have the common sense to delete the OFFENDING TWEET afterwards. Much, it appears, to the annoyance of several trustees and donors who now suspect their money is being used less to support needy steeds and all too often in funding boozy gala dinner nosh-ups for HorseWorld’s MD and his underperforming pals.
It is also notable that while the Finance Director seems WILLING TO STRIP for cash, the day job has been suffering. The Charity Commission reveals that three-quarters of the way through 2013, HorseWorld has yet to submit its annual accounts for the previous year. In 2012 they filed by May – and reported a staggering £647,000 loss. Could the current reporting delay be in any way connected to an even deeper FINANCIAL BLACK HOLE?
Oh, and by the way, HorseWorld won in its award category – for (yes, you’ve guessed it) ‘Communicator of the Year’.
Booze-fuelled HorseWorld management team – including MD Mark Owen (centre) & FD Nikki Bridges (back right) – celebrate with jobbing ex-Blue Peter presenter Valerie Singleton (right) at Post Business Awards 2013
HOLT BOLTS! NO-BALLS GOEBBELS JOINS SHITTY HALL RATS-FROM-SINKING SHIP EXODUS
Outgoing Communication Director Peter Holt and ‘friend’ (identity obscured)
And so The BRISTOLIAN, with a tear in its eye, draws your attention to the impending departure of Bristol City Council’s Communication & Marketing Director PETER ‘CLAUDIA JEAN’ HOLT – as EXCLUSIVELY revealed in The BRISTOLIAN!
Yes, the SELF-PROCLAIMED PR GURU – who showed off his muscular messaging abilities by cringing in the corner at an Easton Community Centre neighbourhood meeting back in April as his boss Mayor George Ferguson announced that rioting was okay as long as you did it “in the right way” – is off to “a new and exciting role in London”.
Notorious ALLEGED DOLPHIN-FUCKER Holt – snapped up as a hip-sounding young gun by Bristol City Council back in 2009 – will be trading in his BS8 Clifton Hill pad (average price: £350,000) for an NW8 Clifton Hill mansion (currently averaging £1m for flats up to £4m for houses). It’s almost enough to make you wonder how he could have managed to save up so much whilst working for BCC – has he been rifling around in the back of millionaire Mayor Fergo’s sofa for loose fifties?
Thinks he’s sophisticated like spin doctor CJ…
Anyway, who could begrudge Claudia Jean – who saw himself as the firm-but-fair White House press secretary CJ from The West Wing, when he was more PJ, the Byker Grove kid blinded in a freak paintball accident – the odd ‘PERK OF THE JOB’? Toiling away on thankless tasks like dealing with constant grunty pocket calls from Gary Hopkins every time he sits on his council-issue smartphone whilst settling down on the office chaise longue to enjoy his ‘special interest’ DVDs; or having to explain to a sobbing Sir Hoyty-Toyty that no, the reason your email doesn’t work isn’t because “the pixies who carry the messages through the internet tubes have died” but because you haven’t turned your PC monitor on.
…But is actually more like squeaky blind Geordie PJ
But don’t panic! You fine people of Bristol have not been forgotten! His Royal Holtness is having a taxpayer-funded leaving do at Council House, and you’re all invited!
He’s asked for RSVPs, but he surely won’t mind those who paid his NOT-INCONSIDERABLE WAGES turning up at Committee Room 15 of the Council House on College Green, from 4:30-6pm. Be sure not to be late – there will be a grand “ambient multi-media presentation” at four five o’ clock, “showing you…unexpected sides of Peter you will never have seen before.” If you can’t make it down to Shitty Hall, you can join the fun on Twitter. He even has his own hashtag: #byebyebristol.
Who could resist?
RED AND BLACK SCARE!
Avon and Somerset Police force have been FAILING SPECTACULARLY to catch a group or groups of anarchists responsible for a string of arson attacks in and around Bristol for the last few years.
In the latest twist they’ve decided because they can’t catch the people responsible they’re going to pick on people not responsible and threaten anyone associated with anarchism, protest or recent riots. This RED-AND-BLACK SCARE has begun before police have even finished their investigation!
Well, our very own beloved riot-supporting Mayor Fergo was at the Bristol Anarchist Book Fair in April getting in to trouble. Will he be raided any night soon? Arrested for being posh in possession of red trousers?
The Post is of course backing the MAD WITCH HUNT. The ‘Tesco riot’, if you believe the police/Post line, is that the whole thing was organised by anarchists with a one-in one-out door policy. So the riot wasn’t anything to do with the cops invading a busy area full of drunken punters on a bank holiday during a heatwave? Why not evict the squat at 6 on Monday morning? Then you wouldn’t have needed the small army they had there that night either.
The Post is now jumping at the chance to see some KIDS CHUCKED IN PRISON for 5 years in the wake of the scare as that’s all that what will happen. They wont get the arsonists. They’ll get any ‘anarchists’ to make us all feel safe.
The whole scare sounds like desperation. They’ve not had any evidence to nick the small arsonist cell so they’re opening up their investigation to anyone they can pin anything on in the last few years who may have stood near the word ANARCHIST.
‘Mad’ Mike Norton, editor of the Post, says we should support the police in their crackdown on ‘domestic extremists’. The BRISTOLIAN says support your local anarchists and troublemakers…
Otherwise it could be you next!
MALLETT’S MAYOR
Timmy Mallett: intellectual power behind George Ferguson’s mayoral throne?
Ever wondered what connects esteemed can-do, hands-on, low- impact city godfather George Ferguson and ‘wacky’ kids’ TV has- been TIMMY MALLETT? Well, we’ve found the man to ask…
Step forward John Miles, of the John Miles Organisation, talent spotter extraordinaire and representative to the stars. Yes, our very own Mayor has himself a SHOWBIZ AGENT!
He’s in illustrious company – JMO boasts not just Fergo and Timmy on its books, but also dead alleged kiddy-groper Terry Nutkins, audience-killing king of ‘family entertainment’ Noel Edmonds and Points West’s Alex Lovell!
How long before he’s charging for autographs?
FROM ‘THE BRISTOLIAN’ WITH LOVE TO ‘FROM BRISTOL WITH LOVE’
PINCH, PUNCH, THE FIRST OF THE MONTH…
It’s been a busy few weeks here at the BRISTOLIAN secret editorial bunker (with a lot of big, big scandalous stories brewing – watch this space!), so apologies for the recent radio silence on the website.
In the meantime, why not fill your time listening to the ever-excellent online radio station and podcast, From Bristol With Love?
The latest edition is #41, and features the musical stylings of Bristol artistes Redlight, The Qeld, and Dub Mafia & Buggsy, with your genial hosts Dick Gherkin and Durston Fletcher expounding on a range of hot local topics, including:
- Bristol city centre’s Car-Free Sunday
- St Paul’s Festival preparations
- Local woman & penis vs man
- Louis Theroux impersonator in Somerset
- MAYOR WATCH (Your run down of George Ferguson’s latest cock ups)
- Giant White Jesus in the ass end of Bristol
- Festival Reviews and insider critique
- As well as all your local news and gossip
And of course, don’t forget to check out their extensive back catalogue of shows as well.
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PS Your super, soaraway next issue of The BRISTOLIAN will be hitting the streets around about Wednesday 7th/Thursday 8th August
FERGO FARRAGO: MILLIONAIRE MAYOR’S PERSECUTION COMPLEX WEARING THIN
Are the signs of strain already getting to Gorgeous George? His recent antics down at the Bearpit pedestrian underpass between Stokes Croft and Broadmead – which saw him telling a member of the public, one Paul Saville, to “FUCK OFF” simply for asking him about Resident Parking Zones – certainly suggest so.
As do his bizarre excuses to the media following his very public breakdown. “He was stalking me!” squealed the LIGHTWEIGHT RED-TROUSERED FANTASIST about a person who had spoken to the him all of, er … twice!
The madness of King George’s attacks on his critics are increasing exponentially by the month. Back in the halcyon days of his election campaign, he merely accused his critics of “party politicking”. Once in office his critics became “silly”. Now he regularly accuses any critics of being “stalkers”.
The BRISTOLIAN therefore suggests that if you want to disagree with George do it quick.
At this rate of attrition, by Christmas you’re likely to be labelled by the mayor as “rapist” or “paedophile”.