Tag Archives: Parks

PARKS MANAGEMENT: A LOAD OF RUBBISH

This is what crap management looks like

Our new INEXPERIENCED and completely UNQUALIFIED parks boss, Gemma “Ctrl-v” Dando is off to a flying start. At the beginning of the year this idiot boss – who cut her teeth farting about with Neighbourhood Partnerships nowhere near any parks – unilaterally  announced from the comfort of her ‘flexible agile workspace’ in the Counts Louse that all overtime in the Parks Department must CEASE immediately.

This met with a universal outcry from our EXPERIENCED parks maintenance boys, who do know a thing or two about running our parks. Not only was this a major hit in the wallet for some of the council’s lowest paid staff (on about a third of Dando’s wedge), it would also mean no cleaning and maintenance of parks could take place over the WEEKENDS. This, they said, would result in crap all over the parks and a huge amount of extra work at the start of the week.

Indeed, Dando’s decision was so fucking clueless and stupid even the parks’ long term middle management yes-man , Richard “Bedwetter” Fletcher was moved to protest to Dando that her plan would not work. Naturally, dimwitted career bureaucrat and office monkey Dando IGNORED all of this experienced advice and forced through her daft plan.

Cue the first hot weekend of the year on 8 April and there’s absolute pandemonium. Parks across the city are COVERED IN CRAP and bins are OVERFLOWING and STINKING. Inevitably a huge social media storm ensues, picked up by the BBC and the Nazi Post, as hundreds of park users post photos of the mess all over the internet along with their howls of protest to the council. The whole episode was a blockbusting PERSONAL PR DISASTER for the Reverend, who has put a lot of political capital behind a gormless anti-litter campaign that his mum told him to do.

The Reverend’s PR chief and puppeteer Kevin “Don’t mention the private school education” Slocombe originally decided the solution to this self-inflicted disaster was to launch a poor quality SPIN OPERATION out of the Reverend’s office. Supported by Labour Party councillors and a few of its members whining away on Facebook, they attempted to pin the blame on the PUBLIC for the state of the parks rather than own-up to their refusal to listen to experienced voices and leave key decision-making to a cretin managing our parks by spreadsheet.

Naturally the Reverend’s HALF-ARSED EFFORT to blame the public for his own manager’s stupidity gained little traction with the pissed-off public and by Tuesday 11 April a visibly stressed Dando was hauling the parks maintenance crew back into her agile workspace. Five minutes later, all weekend overtime was restored for parks staff and there’s been no problem since! RESULT.

Perhaps the next decision should be to remove the tin-eared twat and walking PR disaster running our parks from a job she doesn’t know how to do (immediately saving us £80k – £90k a year)?

PARK RAVING MAD

A nice little earner?

The Reverend Rees has kickstarted his amazing masterplan to CUT ALL FUNDING to Bristol’s parks and get them to somehow generate their own income with the help of local volunteers and the underemployed fairies at the bottom of his garden.

On 24 February the Rev’s Strategic Imbecile for Neighbourhoods, Alison “Three Jobs” Comley, presented a report to councillors – Parks and Green Spaces – moving towards cost neutral – about this parks finance CONJURING TRICK.

A brief glance at the report reveals that £130k a year council boss Comley and her hapless minion, £90k a year Service Director, Gemma “Ctrl-v” Dando have simply COPY AND PASTED sections of a recently published House of Commons Select Committee Report on parks into their own report and told councillors to read it and call it ‘scrutiny’

The parks privatisation pair also helpfully recommended that councillors take a look at 2006’s Paying for Parks by the Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment, a Blairite Quango put out of its misery in 2011. The paper contains lots of ideas for New Labour politicians on how our parks can be PRIVATISED and MONETISED.

However, Three Jobs and Ctrl-v themselves are tight-lipped about how they will replace the £5 million budget they intend to cut for the Labour Party and how exactly our parks might achieve this deranged “cost neutral” FANTASY FUNDING MODEL by 2020.

Another parks fiasco is about to unfold. Watch this space …

WHINY TWAT SEEKS PRIVATE SECTOR MOVE?

Whiny twat: working seven days a week to fuck up our city

Whiny council twat, Barra Mac “NUGGET” Ruairi, jerking himself off under the title ‘Strategic Director of Place’ and struggling by on about £130k a year for hacking our public services apart was forced by the Rev Rees in November to attend a public meeting in Henbury about the cuts.

Many who attended openly EXPRESSED THEIR FRUSTRATION at clowns like Mac Nugget filling their boots at our expense while cocking up everything in sight.

Mac Nugget replied, “I’m an exec  leader with SIGNIFICANT SALARY who moved from Sheffield to serve the city – seven days per week – genuinely doing my best. I work with £100million contracts, miles of roads, planning, 38 refurbished schools. It’s a significant job with over 1,000 staff. We need qualified people to deliver this kind of work.

“I chose to work in public but could work in the PRIVATE SECTOR. We have trouble recruiting as the private sector take our staff. We don’t just work 37 hours per week but put in as much time for the city as we can.”

Mac Nugget was noticeably light on detail about any of his ACHIEVEMENTS. So here’s some of the things he’s been working seven days a week to achieve:

An arena over two years behind schedule, 20 per cent plus over budget that doesn’t have anyone to build it; a Metrobus bus scheme that nobody wants with no one to run it that’s also over budget; unnecessary concreting over of bluefinger land and allotments at Stapleton for the Metrobus; destruction of hundreds of trees for the Metrobus scheme; endless traffic congestion that continues to get worse; collapsing city docks infrastructure that has culminated in the ongoing closure of Princes Street Bridge; cancellation without notice of vital bus services like the number 51 last year; occupation of council properties by guardian companies that don’t comply with his own council’s licencing and health and safety rules or the law; the proposal to build a five metre wide road through Victoria Park; an inexplicable £9m deficit in his Property Services Department run up between March and June last year; an ongoing failure to deliver smart ticketing on public transport.

Then there’s the risk of failure to the major infrastructure projects he’s managing. Such a failure is currently listed as ‘LIKELY‘ by Bristol City Council

Please private sector take this useless twat. He’s all yours

Gardeners’ World Part 1

In the world of thick populated by Bristol City Council middle managers there’s always been a very special country called ‘stupid’ run by useless parks boss Tracy “BEAKER” Morgan.

Most famously, Beaker decided to try and SELL OFF swathes of Bristol’s park land to property developers in 2008. A plan so risible she got told to fuck off by just about every Bristolian alive at the time.

So it comes as no surprise to learn that having moved all the parks maintenance team back in house from Quadron Services – as no private sector firm could maintain our parks on the budget offered – that she’s fucked it up already.

Barely a month into Beaker’s BRAVE NEW PARKS WORLD and we hear reports that the fleet of vans supplied by Tracy to the new parks maintenance service aren’t fit for purpose and it’s not possible to load any machinery on to them!

The parks maintenance team are therefore driving lawn mowers all over the city at speeds of about 8 MPH to get any grass cut.

Be sure to give the lads a wave if you see them trundling past. They would also like to apologise in advance for the all the added congestion and pollution they’ll be indefinitely creating across the Green Capital ’til Tracy sorts out her latest mess (at our expense).

GARDENERS’ WORLD PART 2

Always one to lead from the front, Tracey personally greeted the entire parks maintenance team on their first day back at the council at a special staff meeting.

With the niceties out of the way, Tracy then shoved some worthless GAGGING ORDER devised by the council’s new nut job legal boss and secrecy obsessive Sanjay “Under” Prashar under the staffs’ noses and forced them to sign.

Tracey then solemnly issued firm instructions to the meeting. “What I don’t want to see is anything in The BRISTOLIAN,”  she intoned.

Nice one Trace, another milestone achieved